s: Even Eldon himself to a measure so mild.


s: So the snaffles, my dear, were agreed to _nem. con_.,


s: And my Lord Castlereagh, having so often shone


s: In the _fettering line_, is to buckle them on.


s: I shall drive to your door in these _Vetoes_ some day,


s: But, at present, adieu!-I must hurry away


s: To go see my Mamma, as I'm suffered to meet her


s: For just half an hour by the Queen's best repeater.


s: Alluding to a tax lately laid upon leather.


s: The Prince, good Sir, the Prince has read it


s: Sends forth, announced by trump and drum,


s: On _checks_ and _balances_ and so forth.


s: "Whip me those scoundrels, Castlereagh!"


s: And 'twill be done--ay, faith, and well done.


s: But, pray, whate'er you may impart, write


s: Somewhat more brief than Major Cartwright:


s: Else, tho' the Prince be long in rigging,


s: 'Twould take at least a fortnight's wigging,--


s: When (on his Lordship's entering puft) he


s: There's some parts of the Turkish system


s: So vulgar 'twere as well you missed 'em.


s: Your Turk whom girlish fondness flatters,


s: This rule's for _favorites_--nothing more--


s: The learned Colonel must allude here to a description of the


s: We missed you last night at the "hoary old sinner's,"


s: Who gave us as usual the cream of good dinners;


s: His soups scientific, his fishes quite _prime_--


s: His _pâtés_ superb, and his cutlets sublime!


s: In short, 'twas the snug sort of dinner to stir a


s: Stomachic orgasm in my Lord Ellenborough,


s: Who _set to_, to be sure, with miraculous force,


s: And exclaimed between mouthfuls, "a _He-Cook_, of course!--


s: "While you live--(what's there under that cover? pray, look)--


s: "While you live--(I'll just taste it)--ne'er keep a She-Cook.


s: "'Tis a sound Salic Law--(a small bit of that toast)--


s: "Which ordains that a female shall ne'er rule the roast;


s: "For Cookery's a secret--(this turtle's uncommon)--


s: "Like Masonry, never found out by a woman!"


s: The dinner you know was in gay celebration


s: Of _my_ brilliant triumph and Hunt's condemnation;


s: A compliment too to his Lordship the Judge


s: For his Speech to the Jury--and zounds! who would grudge


s: Turtle soup tho' it came to five guineas a bowl,


s: To reward such a loyal and complaisant soul?


s: We were all in high gig--Roman Punch and Tokay


s: Travelled round till our heads travelled just the same way;


s: And we cared not for Juries or Libels--no--damme! nor


s: Even for the threats of last Sunday's Examiner!


s: More good things were eaten than said--but Tom Tyrrhitt


s: In quoting Joe Miller you know has some merit;


s: Say--sated with turtle--"I'll now try the beef"--


s: Tommy whispered him (giving his Lordship a sly hit)


s: "I fear 'twill be _hung_-beef, my Lord, if you _try_ it!"


s: And Camden was there, who that morning had gone


s: And the dish set before him--oh! dish well-devised!--


s: Was what old Mother Glasse calls, "a calf's head surprised!"


s: The _brains_ were near Sherry and _once_ had been fine,


s: But of late they had lain so long soaking in wine,


s: That tho' we from courtesy still chose to call


s: These brains very fine they were no brains at all.


s: When the dinner was over, we drank, every one


s: In a bumper, "the venial delights of Crim. Con.;"


s: At which Headfort with warm reminiscences gloated,


s: And Ellenb'rough chuckled to hear himself quoted.


s: Our next round of toasts was a fancy quite new,


s: For we drank--and you'll own 'twas benevolent too--


s: To those well-meaning husbands, cits, parsons or peers,


s: Whom we've any time honored by courting their dears:


s: This museum of wittols was comical rather;


s: Old Headfort gave Massey, and _I_ gave your father.


s: In short, not a soul till this morning would budge--


s: We were all fun and frolic, and even the Judge


s: Laid aside for the time his juridical fashion,


s: And thro' the whole night wasn't _once_ in a passion!


s: I write this in bed while my whiskers are airing,


s: And Mac has a sly dose of jalap preparing


s: For poor Tommy Tyrrhitt at breakfast to quaff--


s: As I feel I want something to give me a laugh,


s: And there's nothing so good as old Tommy kept close


s: To his Cornwall accounts after taking a dose.


s: "These Papist dogs--hiccup--'od rot 'em!--


s: "With all the dirt even _you_ can pick up.


s: "But, as the Prince (here's to him--fill--


s: "And as _you_ deal in _strong_ expressions--


s: "You must indeed--hiccup--that's flat."--


s: To take my place, 'tis _thou_, Sir John;


s: Take it--'tis thine--his learned Port-folio,


s: (Which shows that since the world's creation


s: Your Priests, whate'er their gentle shamming,


s: To prove (what _we've_ long proved, perhaps,)


s: Farewell--I send with this, dear Nichol,


s: Wherewith to trim old Grattan's jacket.--


s: _Among the Enclosures in the foregoing Letter was the following


s: "Unanswerable Argument against the Papists_."


s: Connors and Tooles all downright Pagans.


s: A bad name for poetry; but Duigenan is still worse.


s: My dear Lady---! I've been just sending out


s: About five hundred cards for a snug little Rout--


s: (By the by, you've seen "Rokeby"?--this moment got mine--


s: The "Mail-Coach Edition"--prodigiously fine!)


s: But I can't conceive how in this very cold weather


s: I'm ever to bring my five hundred together;


s: As, unless the thermometer's near boiling heat,


s: One can never get half of one's hundreds to meet.


s: (Apropos--you'd have thought to see Townsend last night,


s: Escort to their chairs, with his staff, so polite,


s: The "three maiden Miseries," all in a fright;


s: Poor Townsend, like Mercury, filling two posts,


s: Supervisor of _thieves_ and chief-usher of _ghosts_!)


s: But, my dear Lady----, can't you hit on some notion,


s: At least for one night to set London in motion?--


s: As to having the Regent, _that_ show is gone by--


s: Besides, I've remarkt that (between you and I)


s: The Marchesa and he, inconvenient in more ways,


s: Have taken much lately to whispering in doorways;


s: Which--considering, you know, dear, the _size_ of the two--


s: Makes a block that one's company _cannot_ get thro';


s: And a house such as mine is, with door-ways so small,


s: Has no room for such cumbersome love-work at all.--


s: (Apropos, tho', of love-work--you've heard it, I hope,


s: That Napoleon's old mother's to marry the Pope,--


s: "What a comical pair!)--but, to stick to my Rout,


s: 'Twill be hard if some novelty can't be struck out.


s: Is there no Algerine, no Kamchatkan arrived?


s: No Plenipo Pacha, three-tailed and ten-wived?


s: No Russian whose dissonant consonant name


s: Almost rattles to fragments the trumpet of fame?


s: I remember the time three or four winters back,


s: When--provided their wigs were but decently black--


s: A few Patriot monsters from Spain were a sight


s: That would people one's house for one, night after night.


s: But--whether the Ministers _pawed_ them too much--


s: (And you--know how they spoil whatsoever they touch)


s: Or, whether Lord George (the young man about town)


s: Has by dint of bad poetry written them down.


s: One has certainly lost one's _peninsular_ rage;


s: And the only stray Patriot seen for an age


s: Has been at such places (think, how the fit cools!)


s: As old Mrs. Vaughan's or Lord Liverpool's.


s: But, in short, my dear, names like Wintztschitstopschinzoudhoff


s: Are the only things now make an evening go smooth off:


s: So, get me a Russian--till death I'm your debtor--


s: If he brings the whole Alphabet, so much the better.


s: And--Lord! if he would but, _in character_, sup


s: Off his fish-oil and candles, he'd quite set me up!


s: _Au revoir_, my sweet girl--I must leave you in haste--


s: Little Gunter has brought me the Liqueurs to taste.


s: By the by, have you found any friend that can conster


s: That Latin account, t'other day, of a Monster?


s: If we can't get a Russian, and _that think_ in Latin


s: Be not _too_ improper, I think I'll bring that in.


s: Alluding, I suppose, to the Latin Advertisement of a _lusus


s: Thy head still near the bowstring's borders.


s: This sewed-up race--this buttoned nation--


s: The slaves of buttons and tight breeches.


s: Yet tho' they thus their knee-pans fetter


s: (They're Christians and they know no better)


s: In _some_ things they're a thinking nation;


s: _Their_ heaven and _ours_ are just the same--


s: Yet tho' we've tried for centuries back--


s: To wear the establisht pea-green slippers.


s: They wash their toes--they comb their chins,


s: And what's the worst, (tho' last I rank it)


s: Green slippers but from treasonous views;


s: And twitch their beards where'er they meet 'em.


s: Like those sweet birds, that fly together,


s: Sunnites and Shiites are the two leading sects into which the


s: Per Post, Sir, we send your MS.--look it thro'--


s: Very sorry--but can't undertake--'twouldn't do.


s: Clever work, Sir!--would _get up_ prodigiously well--


s: Its only defect is--it never would sell.


s: And tho' _Statesmen_ may glory in being _unbought_,


s: In an _Author_ 'tis not so desirable thought.


s: Hard times, Sir, most books are too dear to be read--


s: Tho' the _gold_ of Good-sense and Wit's _small-change_ are fled,


s: Yet the paper we Publishers pass, in their stead,


s: Rises higher each day, and ('tis frightful to think it)


s: Not even such names as Fitzgerald's can sink it!


s: However, Sir--if you're for trying again,


s: And at somewhat that's vendible--we are your men.


s: Since the Chevalier Carr took to marrying lately,


s: The Trade is in want of a _Traveller_ greatly--


s: No job, Sir, more easy--your _Country_ once planned,


s: A month aboard ship and a fortnight on land


s: Puts your Quarto of Travels, Sir, clean out of hand.


s: An East-India pamphlet's a thing that would tell--


s: And a lick at the Papists is _sure_ to sell well.


s: Or--supposing you've nothing _original_ in you--


s: Write Parodies, Sir, and such fame it will win you,


s: You'll get to the Blue-stocking Routs of Albinia!


s: (Mind--_not_ to her _dinners_--a _second-hand_ Muse


s: Mustn't think of aspiring to _mess_ with the _Blues_.)


s: Or--in case nothing else in this world you can do--


s: The deuce is in't, Sir, if you can not _review_!


s: Should you feel any touch of _poetical_ glow,


s: We've a Scheme to suggest--Mr. Scott, you must know,


s: (Who, we're sorry to say it, now works for _the Row_.)


s: Having quitted the Borders to seek new renown,


s: Is coming by long Quarto stages to Town;


s: And beginning with "Rokeby" (the job's sure to pay)


s: Means to _do_ all the Gentlemen's Seats on the way.


s: Now, the Scheme is (tho' none of our hackneys can beat him)


s: To start a fresh Poet thro' Highgate to _meet_ him;


s: Who by means of quick proofs--no revises--long coaches--


s: May do a few Villas before Scott approaches.


s: Indeed if our Pegasus be not curst shabby,


s: He'll reach, without foundering, at least Woburn Abbey.


s: Such, Sir, is our plan--if you're up to the freak,


s: 'Tis a match! and we'll put you _in training_ next week.


s: At present, no more--in reply to this Letter,


s: Which charmed all eyes that last surveyed it;


s: When Brummel's self inquired "who made it?"--


s: Bring thy best lace, thou gay Philander,


s: Thy seals--in short, thy prettiest things!


s: _Both_ gay Lotharios--both good dressers--


s: Of serious Farce _both_ learned Professors--


s: Thou knowest the time, thou man of lore!


s: O'er snow-white moons and stars we walk,


s: O'er the white path shall bound and play


s: So passeth life--(thus Scott would write,


s: Time is not chalk, yet time's soon gone!


s: But, hang this long digressive flight!--


s: Shine as thou mayst in French vermilion,


s: Thou'rt _best_ beneath a French cotillion;


s: And still comest off, whate'er thy faults,


s: Nor needest thou mourn the transient date


s: While _some chef-d'oeuvres_ live to weary one,


s: _Thine_ boast a short life and a merry one;


s: (These, Porter, are thy glorious works!)


s: But _not_--ah! not the same dear fishes--


s: Late hours and claret killed the old ones--


s: Some sprats have been by Yarmouth's wish,


s: An amateur actor of much risible renown.


s: The crest of Mr. Coates, the very amusing amateur tragedian here


s: A foreign artist much patronized by the Prince Regent.


s: "We whispering walkt along, and learned to speak


s: "The tenderest feelings in the purest Greek;


s: "Ah! then how little did we think or hope,


s: "Dearest of men, that I should e'er be Pope!


s: "That I, the humble Joan, whose housewife art


s: "Seemed just enough to keep thy house and heart,


s: "(And those, alas! at sixes and at sevens,)


s: "Should soon keep all the keys of all the heavens!"


s: "Should thus surprise the Conclave's grave decorum,


s: "And let a _little Pope_ pop out before 'em--


s: "That name could e'er be justly fixt upon."


s: "But oh, more dear, more precious ten times over--


s: "I made _thee_ Cardinal--thou madest _me_--ah!


s: "Thou madest the Papa of the world Mamma!"


s: Enter the Prince Regent _solus_--After a few broken sentences, he


s: Thou haunt'st my fancy so, thou devilish Book,


s: I meet thee--trace thee, whereso'er I look.


s: I see thy damned _ink_ in Eldon's brows--


s: I see thy _foolscap_ on my Hertford's Spouse--


s: Vansittart's head recalls thy _leathern_ case,


s: And all thy _blank-leaves_ stare from R--d--r's face!


s: While, turning here (_laying his hand on his heart_,)


s: (_Walks the stage in considerable agitation_.)


s: Delicious drams! why have you not the art


s: To kill this gnawing _Book-worm_ in my heart?


s: Ha! treason in my house!--Curst words, that wither


s: My princely soul, (_shaking the papers violently_) what Demon


s: (_holding the fragments closer to the Candelabras_)


s: exclamations of loyalty and tenderness, and relates the following


s: I had a fearful dream of thee, my Prince!--


s: Methought I heard thee midst a courtly crowd


s: Say from thy throne of gold, in mandate loud,


s: "Worship my whiskers!"--(_weeps_) not a knee was there


s: But bent and worshipt the Illustrious Pair,


s: Of "Whiskers; whiskers!" shook the echoing skies.--


s: Just in that glorious hour, me-thought, there came,


s: With looks of injured pride, a Princely Dame


s: And a young maiden, clinging by her side,


s: As if she feared some tyrant would divide


s: Two hearts that nature and affection tied!


s: The Matron came--within her _right_ hand glowed


s: A radiant torch; while from her _left_ a load


s: Of Papers hung--(_wipes his eyes_) collected in her veil--


s: The venal evidence, the slanderous tale,


s: The wounding hint, the current lies that pass


s: From _Post_ to _Courier_, formed the motley mass;


s: Which with disdain before the Throne she throws,


s: And lights the Pile beneath thy princely nose.


s: Heavens, how it blazed!--I'd ask no livelier fire,


s: (With animation) To roast a Papist by, my gracious Sire!--


s: But ah! the Evidence--_(weeps again)_ I mourned to see--


s: Cast as it burned, a deadly light on thee:


s: And Tales and Hints their random sparkles flung,


s: And hissed and crackled, like an old maid's tongue;


s: While _Post_ and _Courier_, faithful to their fame,


s: Made up in stink for what they lackt in flame.


s: When, lo, ye Gods! the fire ascending brisker,


s: Now singes _one_ now lights the _other_ whisker.


s: Ah! where was then the Sylphid that unfurls


s: Throne, Whiskers, Wig soon vanisht into smoke,


s: The watchman cried "Past One," and--I awoke.


s: Go to your prisons--tho' the air of Spring


s: No mountain coolness to your cheeks shall bring;


s: Tho' Summer flowers shall pass unseen away,


s: And all your portion of the glorious day


s: Some beam that enters, trembling as if awed,


s: To tell how gay the young world laughs abroad!


s: Yet go--for thoughts as blessed as the air


s: Of Spring or Summer flowers await you there;


s: Thoughts such as He who feasts his courtly crew


s: Pure self-esteem--the smiles that light within--


s: The Zeal, whose circling charities begin


s: With the few loved-ones Heaven has placed it near,


s: And spread till all Mankind are in its sphere;


s: The Pride that suffers without vaunt or plea.


s: And the fresh Spirit that can warble free


s: My brave brother Tailors, come, straighten your knees,


s: For a moment, like gentlemen, stand up at ease,


s: While I sing of our Prince (and a fig for his railers),


s: The Shop-board's delight! the Maecenas of Tailors!


s: Some monarchs take roundabout ways into note,


s: While _His_ short cut to fame is--the cut of his coat;


s: Philip's Son thought the World was too small for his Soul,


s: But our Regent's finds room in a laced button-hole.


s: Look thro' all Europe's Kings--those, at least, who go loose--


s: Not a King of them all's such a friend to the Goose.


s: So, God keep him increasing in size and renown,


s: Still the fattest and best fitted Prince about town!


s: Honored Colonel--my Wife, who's the Queen of all slatterns,


s: She sent the wrong Measures too--shamefully wrong--


s: They're the same used for poor Mr. Lambert, when young;


s: But, bless you! they wouldnt go half round the Regent--


s: So, hope you'll excuse yours till death, most obedient.


s: "To enable the individual who holds the office of Chancellor to


s: maintain it in becoming splendor."  (_A loud laugh_.)--Lord


s: CASTLEREAGH'S _Speech upon the Vice Chancellor's Bill_.


s: --Lord CASTLEREAGH'S _Speech upon Colonel M Mahon's Appointment,


s: _Here_ tradesmen's bills,--official papers,


s: _There_ plans of Saddles, tea and toast.


s: And, cutting each some different capers,


s: And Tradesmen's bills, we know, mount high;


s: Nay even Death-warrants thought they'd best


s: Shocked with this breach of filial duty,


s: At length, dearest Freddy, the moment is night


s: When, with Perceval's leave, I may throw my chains by;


s: And, as time now is precious, the first thing I do


s: Is to sit down and write a wise letter to you.


s: I meant before now to have sent you this Letter,


s: But Yarmouth and I thought perhaps 'twould be better


s: To wait till the Irish affairs are decided--


s: (That is, till both Houses had prosed and divided,


s: With all due appearance of thought and digestion)--


s: For, tho' Hertford House had long settled the question,


s: I thought it but decent, between me and you,


s: That the two _other_ Houses should settle it too.


s: Our affairs were all looking, when Father went mad;


s: A strait waistcoat on him and restrictions on me,


s: A more _limited_ Monarchy could not well be.


s: I was called upon then, in that moment of puzzle.


s: To choose my own Minister--just as they muzzle


s: A playful young bear, and then mock his disaster


s: By bidding him choose out his own dancing-master.


s: I thought the best way, as a dutiful son,


s: Was to do as Old Royalty's self would have done.


s: So I sent word to say, I would keep the whole batch in,


s: The same chest of tools, without cleansing or patching:


s: For tools of this kind, like Martinus's sconce.


s: Would loose all their beauty if purified once;


s: And think--only think--if our Father should find.


s: Upon graciously coming again to his mind,


s: That improvement had spoiled any favorite adviser--


s: That Rose was grown honest, or Westmoreland wiser--


s: That R--d--r was, even by one twinkle, the brighter--


s: Or Liverpool speeches but half a pound lighter--


s: What a shock to his old royal heart it would be!


s: No!--far were such dreams of improvement from me:


s: And it pleased me to find, at the House, where, you know,


s: There's such good mutton cutlets, and strong curaçoa,


s: That the Marchioness called me a duteous old boy,


s: And my Yarmouth's red whiskers grew redder for joy.


s: You know, my dear Freddy, how oft, if I _would_,


s: By the law of last sessions I _might_ have done good.


s: I _might_ have withheld these political noodles


s: From knocking their heads against hot Yankee Doodles;


s: I _might_ have told Ireland I pitied her lot,


s: Might have soothed her with hope--but you know I did not.


s: And my wish is, in truth, that the best of old fellows


s: Should not, on recovering, have cause to be jealous,


s: But find that while he has been laid on the shelf


s: We've been all of us nearly as mad as himself.


s: You smile at my hopes--but the Doctors and I


s: Are the last that can think the King _ever_ will die.


s: A new era's arrived--tho' you'd hardly believe it--


s: And all things of course must be new to receive it.


s: New villas, new fêtes (which even Waithman attends)--


s: New saddles, new helmets, and--why not _new friends_?


s: I repeat it, "New Friends"--for I cannot describe


s: The delight I am in with this Perceval tribe.


s: Such capering!--Such vaporing!--Such rigor!--Such vigor!


s: North, South, East, and West, they have cut such a figure,


s: That soon they will bring the whole world round our ears,


s: And leave us no friends--but Old Nick and Algiers.


s: When I think of the glory they've beamed on my chains,


s: 'Tis enough quite to turn my illustrious brains.


s: It is true we are bankrupts in commerce and riches,


s: But think how we find our Allies in new breeches!


s: We've lost the warm hearts of the Irish, 'tis granted,


s: But then we've got Java, an island much wanted,


s: To put the last lingering few who remain,


s: Of the Walcheren warriors, out of their pain.


s: Then how Wellington fights! and how squabbles his brother!


s: _For_ Papists the one and _with_ Papists the other;


s: _One_ crushing Napoleon by taking a City,


s: While t'other lays waste a whole Catholic Committee.


s: Oh deeds of renown!--shall I boggle or flinch,


s: With such prospects before me? by Jove, not an inch.


s: No--let _England's_ affairs go to rack, if they will,


s: We'll look after the affairs of the _Continent_ still;


s: And with nothing at home but starvation and riot,


s: Find Lisbon in bread and keep Sicily quiet.


s: I am proud to declare I have no predilections,


s: My heart is a sieve where some scattered affections


s: Are just danced about for a moment or two,


s: And the _finer_ they are, the more sure to run thro';


s: Neither feel I resentments, nor wish there should come ill


s: To mortal--except (now I think on't) Beau Brummel,


s: Who threatened last year, in a superfine passion,


s: To cut _me_ and bring the old King into fashion.


s: This is all I can lay to my conscience at present;


s: When such is my temper, so neutral, so pleasant,


s: So royally free from all troublesome feelings,


s: So little encumbered by faith in my dealings


s: (And that I'm consistent the world will allow,


s: What I was at Newmarket the same I am now).


s: When such are my merits (you know I hate cracking),


s: I hope, like the Vender of Best Patent Blacking,


s: "To meet with the generous and kind approbation


s: "Of a candid, enlightened, and liberal nation."


s: By the by, ere I close this magnificent Letter,


s: (No man, except Pole, could have writ you a better,)


s: 'Twould please me if those, whom I've humbugged so long


s: With the notion (good men!) that I knew right from wrong,


s: Would a few of them join me--mind, only a few--


s: To let _too_ much light in on me never would do;


s: But even Grey's brightness shan't make me afraid,


s: While I've Camden and Eldon to fly to for shade;


s: Nor will Holland's clear intellect do us much harm,


s: While there's Westmoreland near him to weaken the charm.


s: As for Moira's high spirit, if aught can subdue it.


s: Sure joining with Hertford and Yarmouth will do it!


s: Between R-d-r and Wharton let Sheridan sit,


s: And the fogs will soon quench even Sheridan's wit:


s: And against all the pure public feeling that glows


s: Even in Whitbread himself we've a Host in George Rose!


s: So in short if they wish to have Places, they may,


s: And I'll thank you to tell all these matters to Grey.


s: Who, I doubt not, will write (as there's no time to lose)


s: And now, dearest Fred (tho' I've no predilection),


s: Believe me yours always with truest affection.


s: P.S. A copy of this is to Perceval going


s: Good Lord, how St. Stephen's will ring with his crowing!


s: The antique shield of Martinus Scriblerus, which, upon scouring,


s: I certainly am the last person in the kingdom to whom it can be


s: permitted to despair of our royal father's recovery."--_Prince's


s: "A new era is now arrived, and I cannot but reflect with


s: In allusion to "the Book" which created such a sensation at that


s: Thro' Manchester Square took a canter just now--


s: Met the _old yellow chariot_ and made a low bow.


s: This I did, of course, thinking 'twas loyal and civil,


s: But got such a look--oh! 'twas black as the devil!


s: How unlucky!--_incog_. he was travelling about,


s: And I like a noodle, must go find him out.


s: _Mem_.--when next by the old yellow chariot I ride,


s: To remember there _is_ nothing princely inside.


s: At Levee to-day made another sad blunder--


s: What _can_ be come over me lately, I wonder?


s: The Prince was as cheerful as if all his life


s: He had never been troubled with Friends or a Wife--


s: "Fine weather," says he--to which I, who _must_ prate,


s: Answered, "Yes, Sir, but _changeable_ rather, of late."


s: He took it, I fear, for he lookt somewhat gruff,


s: And handled his new pair of whiskers so rough,


s: That before all the courtiers I feared they'd come off,


s: And then, Lord, how Geramb would triumphantly scoff!


s: To nourish his whiskers--sure road to promotion!


s: Baron Geramb, the rival of his R. H. in whiskers.


s: What news to-day?--"Oh! worse and worse--


s: King Crack was the best of all possible Kings,


s: (At least, so his Courtiers would swear to you gladly,)


s: But Crack now and then would do heterodox things,


s: And at last took to worshipping _Images_ sadly.


s: Some broken-down Idols, that long had been placed


s: In his father's old _Cabinet_, pleased him so much,


s: That he knelt down and worshipt, tho'--such was his taste!--


s: They were monstrous to look at and rotten to touch.


s: And these were the beautiful Gods of King Crack!--


s: But his People disdaining to worship such things


s: Cried aloud, one and all, "Come, your Godships must pack--


s: "You'll not do for _us_, tho' you _may_ do for _Kings_."


s: Then trampling these images under their feet,


s: They sent Crack a petition, beginning "Great Caesar!


s: "We're willing to worship; but only entreat


s: "That you'll find us some _decenter_ godheads than these are."


s: "I'll try," says King Crack--so they furnisht him models


s: Of better shaped Gods but he sent them all back;


s: Some were chiselled too fine, some had heads stead of noddles,


s: In short they were all _much_ too godlike for Crack.


s: So he took to his darling old Idols again,


s: And just mending their legs and new bronzing their faces,


s: Set the monsters up grinning once more in their places.


s: _Quest_. Why is a Pump like Viscount Castlereagh?


s: _Answ_. Because it is a slender thing of wood,


s: That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,


s: And coolly spout and spout and spout away,


s: Said his Highness to Ned, with that grim face of his,


s: "Why refuse us the _Veto_, dear Catholic Neddy?"


s: "Because, Sir," said Ned, looking full in his phiz,


s: "You're forbidding enough, in all conscience, already!"


s: Edward Byrne the head of the Delegates of the Irish Catholics.


s: The ancients, in like manner, crowned their Lares, or


s: Certain tinsel imitations of the Shamrock which are


s: "I want the Court Guide," said my lady, "to look


s: "We've lost the _Court Guide_, Ma'am, but here's _the Red Book_.


s: "Where you'll find, I dare say, Seymour _Places_ in plenty!"


s: Come, Yarmouth, my boy, never trouble your brains,


s: Is doing or brewing on Muscovy's plains;


s: Nor tremble, my lad, at the state of our granaries:


s: You always shall have, my dear Lord of the Stannaries.


s: For the gay bloom of fifty soon passes away,


s: And a wig (I confess it) so clumsily sits,


s: That it frightens the little Loves out of their wits;


s: Thy whiskers, too, Yarmouth!--alas, even they,


s: (What a heart-breaking change for thy whiskers!) to Grey.


s: Then why, my Lord Warden, oh! why should you fidget


s: Your mind about matters you dont understand?


s: Because "_you_," forsooth, "_have the pen in your hand_!"


s: How much pleasanter 'tis to sit under the bust


s: Of old Charley, my friend here, and drink like a new one;


s: While Charley looks sulky and frowns at me, just


s: As the Ghost in the Pantomime frowns at Don Juan.


s: Grows plenty of _monk's hood_ in venomous sprigs:


s: What youth of the Household will cool our Noyau


s: And see if the gentle _Marchesa_ be there?


s: The newest No-Popery Sermon that's going--


s: Oh! let her come, with her dark tresses flowing,


s: In the manner of--Ackerman's Dresses for May!


s: (If not his own, at least his Prince's,)


s: Tho' Peers may laugh and Papists swagger,


s: Mid drunken Sheelahs, blasting, blowing,


s: Got (God knows how) to Cranbourne Alley.


s: Sweet Church and State, like Jack and Jill,


s: There cannot be imagined a more happy illustration of the


s: Having sent off the troops of brave Major Camac,


s: With a swinging horse-tail at each valorous back.


s: And such helmets, God bless us! as never deckt any


s: Male creature before, except Signor Giovanni--


s: "Let's see," said the Regent (like Titus, perplext


s: With the duties of empire,) "whom _shall_ I dress next?"


s: He looks in the glass--but perfection is there,


s: Wig, whiskers, and chin-tufts all right to a hair;


s: Not a single _ex_-curl on his forehead he traces--


s: For curls are like Ministers, strange as the case is,


s: The _falser_ they are, the more firm in their places.


s: His coat he next views--but the coat who could doubt?


s: For his Yarmouth's own Frenchified hand cut it out;


s: Every pucker and seam were made matters of state,


s: And a Grand Household Council was held on each plait.


s: Then whom shall he dress? shall he new-rig his brother,


s: Great Cumberland's Duke, with some kickshaw or other?


s: And kindly invent him more Christianlike shapes


s: For his feather-bed neckcloths and pillory capes.


s: Ah! no--here his ardor would meet with delays,


s: For the Duke had been lately packt up in new Stays,


s: So complete for the winter, he saw very plain


s: 'Twould be devilish hard work to _un_pack him again.


s: So what's to be done?--there's the Ministers, bless 'em!--


s: As he _made_ the puppets, why shouldnt he _dress_ 'em?


s: "An excellent thought!--call the tailors--be nimble--


s: "Let Cum bring his spy-glass, and Hertford her thimble;


s: "While Yarmouth shall give us, in spite of all quizzers,


s: "The last Paris cut with his true Gallic scissors."


s: So saying, he calls Castlereagh and the rest


s: Of his heaven-born statesmen, to come and be drest.


s: While Yarmouth, with snip-like and brisk expedition,


s: Cuts up all at once a large Catholic Petition


s: In long tailors' measures, (the Prince crying "Well-done!")


s: And first _puts in hand_ my Lord Chancellor Eldon.


s: That model of Princes, the Emperor Commodus, was particularly


s: Come fly to these arms nor let beauties so bloomy


s: Your prudes may revile and your old ones look gloomy,


s: Oh! think the delight of two lovers congenial,


s: Their error how sweet and their raptures how _venial_,


s: When once they've got Law on their side.


s: 'Tis a thing that in every King's reign has been done too:


s: If the Father has done it why shouldnt the Son too?


s: And even should our sweet violation of duty


s: They can _but_ bring it in "misfortune," my beauty,


s: Hold, hold, my good Sir, go a little more slowly;


s: Such sinners as we, are a little too _lovely_,


s: Had you been a great Prince, to whose star shining o'er 'em


s: Then your Highness (and welcome!) might kick down decorum--


s: Were you even an old Marquis, in mischief grown hoary,


s: To the _pleasures_ of vice, is alive to its _glory_--


s: But for _you_, Sir, Crim. Con. is a path full of troubles;


s: And leave the pursuit to those Princes and Nobles


s: This day a New House for your edification


s: We open, most thinking and right-headed nation!


s: Excuse the materials--tho' rotten and bad,


s: They're the best that for money just now could be had;


s: And if _echo_ the charm of such houses should be,


s: You will find it shall echo my speech to a T.


s: As for actors, we've got the old Company yet,


s: And considering they all were but clerks t'other day,


s: It is truly surprising how well they can play.


s: Our Manager, (he who in Ulster was nurst,


s: And sung _Erin go Bragh_ for the galleries first,


s: But on finding _Pitt_-interest a much better thing,


s: Changed his note of a sudden to _God save the King_,)


s: Still wise as he's blooming and fat as he's clever,


s: Himself and his speeches as _lengthy_ as ever.


s: Here offers you still the full use of his breath,


s: Your devoted and long-winded proser till death.


s: You remember last season, when things went perverse on.


s: We had to engage (as a block to rehearse on)


s: One Mr. Vansittart, a good sort of person,


s: Who's also employed for this season to play,


s: In "Raising the Wind," and "the Devil to Pay."


s: We expect too--at least we've been plotting and planning--


s: To get that great actor from Liverpool, Canning;


s: And, as at the Circus there's nothing attracts


s: Like a good _single combat_ brought in 'twixt the acts,


s: If the Manager should, with the help of Sir Popham,


s: Get up new _diversions_ and Canning should stop 'em,


s: Who knows but we'll have to announce in the papers,


s: "Grand fight--second time--with additional capers."


s: Be your taste for the ludicrous, humdrum, or sad,


s: There is plenty of each in this House to be had.


s: Where our Manager ruleth, there weeping will be,


s: For a _dead hand at tragedy_ always was he;


s: And there never was dealer in dagger and cup,


s: Who so _smilingly_ got all his tragedies up.


s: His powers poor Ireland will never forget,


s: And the widows of Walcheren weep o'er them yet.


s: So much for the actors;--for secret machinery,


s: Traps, and deceptions, and shifting of scenery,


s: Yarmouth and Cum are the best we can find,


s: To transact all that trickery business behind.


s: The former's employed too to teach us French jigs,


s: Keep the whiskers in curl and look after the wigs.


s: In taking my leave now, I've only to say,


s: A few _Seats in the House_, not as yet sold away,


s: He had recently been appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer.


s: Here's a choice set of Tools for you, Ge'mmen and Ladies,


s: They'll fit you quite handy, whatever your trade is;


s: (Except it be _Cabinet-making_;--no doubt,


s: In that delicate service they're rather worn out;


s: Tho' their owner, bright youth! if he'd had his own will,


s: Would have bungled away with them joyously still.)


s: You see they've been pretty well _hackt_--and alack!


s: What tool is there job after job will not hack?


s: Their edge is but dullish it must be confest,


s: And their temper, like Ellenborough's, none of the best;


s: But you'll find them good hardworking Tools, upon trying,


s: Were't but for their _brass_ they are well worth the buying;


s: They're famous for making _blinds_, _sliders_, and _screens_,


s: And are some of them excellent _turning_ machines.


s: The first Tool I'll put up (they call it a _Chancellor_),


s: Heavy concern to both purchaser _and_ seller.


s: Tho' made of pig iron yet worthy of note 'tis,


s: 'Tis ready to _melt_ at a half minute's notice.


s: Who bids? Gentle buyer! 'twill turn as thou shapest;


s: 'Twill make a good thumb-screw to torture a Papist;


s: Or else a cramp-iron to stick in the wall


s: Of some church that old women are fearful will fall;


s: Or better, perhaps, (for I'm guessing at random,)


s: A heavy _drag-chain_ for some Lawyer's old _Tandem_.


s: Will nobody bid? It is cheap, I am sure, Sir--


s: Once, twice,--going, going,--thrice, gone!--it is yours, Sir.


s: To pay ready money you sha'n't be distrest,


s: As a _bill_ at _long date_ suits the Chancellor best.


s: This implement, Ge'mmen, at first was a _Vice_;


s: (A tenacious and close sort of tool that will let


s: Nothing out of its grasp it once happens to get;)


s: But it since has received a new coating of _Tin_,


s: Bright enough for a Prince to behold himself in.


s: Come, what shall we say for it? briskly! bid on,


s: We'll the sooner get rid of it--going--quite gone.


s: God be with it, such tools, if not quickly knockt down,


s: Might at last cost their owner--how much? why, a _Crown_!


s: The next Tool I'll set up has hardly had handsel or


s: Trial as yet and is _also_ a Chancellor--


s: Such dull things as these should be sold by the gross;


s: Yet, dull as it is, 'twill be found to _shave close_,


s: And like _other_ close shavers, some courage to gather,


s: This _blade_ first began by a flourish on _leather_.


s: You shall have it for nothing--then, marvel with me


s: At the terrible _tinkering_ work there must be,


s: Where a Tool such as this is (I'll leave you to judge it)


s: Is placed by ill luck at the top of _the Budget_!


s: An allusion to Lord Eldon's lachrymose tendencies.


s: Of the taxes proposed by Mr. Vansittart, that principally


s: opposed in Parliament was the additional duty on leather."--_Ann.


s: _To the tune of "There was a little man, and he wooed a little


s: There was a little Man and he had a little Soul,


s: And he said, "Little Soul, let us try, try, try.


s: "Just between little you and little I, I, I,


s: "I protest, little Man, you are stout, stout, stout,


s: "Must our little, little speech be about, bout, bout,


s: "Must our little, little speech be about?"


s: And he called his little Soul to order, order, order,


s: (As she wasn't Duke or Earl) to reward her, ward her, ward her,


s: As she wasn't Duke or Earl, to reward her.


s: "For as sure as Jacky Fuller loves a sup, sup, sup,


s: "And my little patent plan to prop them up, up, up,


s: "And my little patent plan to prop them up."


s: Never yet in all their lives lookt so little, little, little.


s: Never yet in all their lives lookt so little!


s: _suosque tibi commendat, Troja Penates hos cape fatorum comites_.


s: As recruits in these times are not easily got


s: And the Marshal _must_ have them--pray, why should we not,


s: As the last and, I grant it, the worst of our loans to him,


s: Ship off the Ministry, body and bones to him?


s: There's not in all England, I'd venture to swear,


s: Any men we could half so conveniently spare;


s: And tho' they've been helping the French for years past,


s: We may thus make them useful to England at last.


s: Castlereagh in our sieges might save some disgraces,


s: Being used to the _taking_ and _keeping_ of _places_;


s: And Volunteer Canning, still ready for joining,


s: Might show off his talent for sly _under-mining_.


s: Could the Household but spare us its glory and pride,


s: Old Headfort at _horn-works_ again might be tried,


s: And as Chief Justice make a _bold charge_ at his side:


s: While Vansittart could victual the troops _upon tick_,


s: And the Doctor look after the baggage and sick.


s: Nay, I do not see why the great Regent himself


s: Should in times such as these stay at home on the shelf:


s: Tho' thro' narrow defiles he's not fitted to pass,


s: Yet who could resist, if he bore down _en masse_?


s: And tho' oft of an evening perhaps he might prove,


s: Like our Spanish confederates, "unable to move,"


s: Yet there's _one_ thing in war of advantage unbounded,


s: Which is, that he could not with ease be _surrounded_.


s: In my next I shall sing of their arms and equipment:


s: At present no more, but--good luck to the shipment!


s: The character given to the Spanish soldier, in Sir John


s: I hate thee, oh, Mob, as my Lady hates delf;


s: To Sir Francis I'll give up thy claps and thy hisses,


s: Leave old Magna Charta to shift for itself,


s: And, like Godwin, write books for young masters and misses.


s: Oh! it _is_ not high rank that can make the heart merry,


s: Even monarchs themselves are not free from mishap:


s: Tho' the Lords of Westphalia must quake before Jerry,


s: Poor Jerry himself has to quake before Nap.


s: Boy, tell the Cook that I hate all nicknackeries.


s: Fricassees, vol-au-vents, puffs, and gim-crackeries--


s: Six by the Horse-Guards!--old Georgy is late--


s: But come--lay the table-cloth--zounds! do not wait,


s: Nor stop to inquire, while the dinner is staying,


s: At which of his places Old Rose is delaying!


s: Between Adam and me the great difference is,


s: Tho' a paradise each has been forced to resign,


s: That he never wore breeches, till turned out of his,


s: While for want of my breeches, I'm banisht from mine.


s: While in battle he shone forth so terribly grand,


s: That the emblem they graved on his seal, was a child


s: With a thunderbolt placed in its innocent hand.


s: Oh Wellington, long as such Ministers wield


s: Your magnificent arm, the same emblem will do;


s: For while _they_'re in the Council and _you_ in the Field.


s: We've the _babies_ in _them_, and the _thunder_ in   _you_!


s: Perhaps thou'st read, or heard repeated,


s: They tied him down--these little men did--


s: And needles in the great man's breeches:


s: While, _here_, the _Nap_, oh sad mishap,


s: Is all then forgotten? those amorous pranks


s: You and I in our youth, my dear Government, played;


s: When you called me the fondest, the truest of Banks,


s: And enjoyed the endearing _advances_ I made!


s: When left to ourselves, unmolested and free,


s: To do all that a dashing young couple should do,


s: A law against _paying_ was laid upon me,


s: But none against _owing_, dear helpmate, on you.


s: And is it then vanisht?--that "hour (as Othello


s: So happily calls it) of Love and _Direction_?"


s: And must we, like other fond doves, my dear fellow,


s: Grow good in our old age and cut the connection?


s: Even so, my beloved Mrs. Bank, it must be;


s: This paying in cash plays the devil with wooing:


s: We've both had our swing, but I plainly foresee


s: There must soon be a stop to our _bill_ing and cooing.


s: Propagation in reason--a small child or two--


s: Even Reverend Malthus himself is a friend to;


s: The issue of some folks is moderate and few--


s: But _ours_, my dear corporate Bank, there's no end to!


s: So--hard tho' it be on a pair, who've already


s: Disposed of so many pounds, shillings and pence;


s: And in spite of that pink of prosperity, Freddy,


s: So lavish of cash and so sparing of sense--


s: When--high as we once used to carry our capers--


s: Those soft _billet-doux_ we're now passing between us,


s: Will serve but to keep Mrs. Coutts in curl-papers:


s: And when--if we _still_ must continue our love,


s: (After all that has past)--our amour, it is clear,


s: Like that which Miss Danäe managed with Jove,


s: Must all be transacted in _bullion_, my dear!


s: So called, to distinguish her from the Aure or _Golden_ Venus.


s: _"o ego non felix, quam tu fugis, ut pavet acres


s: Where they met in a neat purse of leather,


s: "Fair Pound, we can never live together?


s: "And of lots of young sixpences be mother;


s: "Of Westmouth see so little of each other!"


s: "Shame, shame, it is _yourself_ that roam, Sir--


s: "Leaving nothing but old rags at home, Sir.


s: "Poor man, made us _one_ in Love's fetter;


s: "But ours is all 'worse' and no 'better.'


s: "Tho' you know, sweet Sovereign, I adore you--


s: "When disowned by their natural protectors?


s: "When I get among those wicked Bank Directors."


s: How _can_ you, my Lord, thus delight to torment all


s: The Peers of the realm about cheapening their corn,


s: When you know, if one hasn't a very high rental,


s: 'Tis hardly worth while being very high born?


s: Why bore them so rudely, each night of your life,


s: On a question, my Lord, there's so much to abhor in?


s: A question-like asking one, "How is your wife?"--


s: At once so confounded _domestic_ and _foreign_.


s: As to weavers, no matter how poorly they feast;


s: But Peers and such animals, fed up for show,


s: (Like the well-physickt elephant, lately deceased,)


s: Take a wonderful quantum of cramming, you know.


s: You might see, my dear Baron, how bored and distrest


s: Were their high noble hearts by your merciless tale,


s: When the force of the agony wrung even a jest


s: From the frugal Scotch wit of my Lord Lauderdale!


s: Bright Peer! to whom Nature and Berwickshire gave


s: A humor endowed with effects so provoking,


s: That when the whole House looks unusually grave


s: You may always conclude that Lord Lauderdale's joking!


s: And then, those unfortunate weavers of Perth--


s: Not to know the vast difference Providence dooms


s: Between weavers of Perth and Peers of high birth,


s: 'Twixt those who have _heir_looms, and those who've but looms!


s: "To talk _now_ of starving!"--as great Athol said--


s: (And the nobles all cheered and the bishops all wondered,)


s: "When some years ago he and others had fed


s: "Of these same hungry devils about fifteen hundred!"


s: It follows from hence--and the Duke's very words


s: Should be publisht wherever poor rogues of this craft are--


s: That weavers, _once_ rescued from starving by Lords,


s: Are bound to be starved by said Lords ever after.


s: When Rome was uproarious, her knowing patricians


s: Made "Bread and the Circus" a cure for each _row_;


s: But not so the plan of _our_ noble physicians,


s: "No Bread and the Treadmill,"'s the regimen now.


s: So cease, my dear Baron of Ockham, your prose,


s: As I shall my poetry--_neither_ convinces;


s: And all we have spoken and written but shows,


s: See the proceedings of the Lords, Wednesday, March 1, 1826,


s: This noble Earl said, that "when he heard the petition came


s: The Duke of Athol said, that "at a former period, when these


s: An improvement, we flatter ourselves, on Lord L.'s joke.


s: "Now what, we ask, is become of this Sinking Fund--these eight


s: millions of surplus above expenditure, which were to reduce the


s: To the Bulls and the Bears, till their ears are stunned,


s: The Treasury floor, is the Sinking Fund!


s: What the deuce has become of this Treasury wonder?


s: And Robinson's scrawled with a goose-quill under.


s: When Frederick and Jenky set hob-nobbing,


s: "We make this funny old Fund worth robbing."


s: Eight Hundred Millions of score, to pay,


s: These _Gemmen_ of Finance are plundering cattle--


s: That best of Charleys, to spring his rattle.


s: To the well-known House of Robinson and Jenkin,


s: Whose Funds have all learned "the Art of Sinking."


s: What the devil has become of this Treasury wonder?


s: And Robinson's, scrawled with a goose-quill under.


s: Dear Goddess of Corn whom the ancients, we know,


s: (Among other odd whims of those comical bodies,)


s: Adorned with somniferous poppies to show


s: Thou wert always a true Country-gentleman's Goddess.


s: Behold in his best shooting-jacket before thee


s: An eloquent 'Squire, who most humbly beseeches.


s: Great Queen of Mark-lane (if the thing doesnt bore thee),


s: Thou'lt read o'er the last of his--_never_-last speeches.


s: Ah! Ceres, thou knowest not the slander and scorn


s: Now heapt upon England's 'Squirearchy, so boasted;


s: Improving on Hunt, 'tis no longer the Corn,


s: 'Tis the _growers_ of Corn that are now, alas! roasted.


s: In speeches, in books, in all shapes they attack us--


s: That you, my dear Ceres and Venus and Bacchus


s: And Gods of high fashion, know little about.


s: There's Bentham, whose English is all his own making,--


s: Who thinks just as little of settling a nation


s: As he would of smoking his pipe or of taking


s: (What he himself calls) his "postprandial vibration."


s: There are two Mr. Mills to whom those that love reading


s: Thro' all that's unreadable call very clever;--


s: And whereas Mill Senior makes war on _good_ breeding,


s: Mill Junior makes war on all _breeding_ whatever!


s: In short, my dear Goddess, old England's divided


s: Between _ultra_ blockheads and superfine sages;--


s: With _which_ of these classes we landlords have sided


s: Thou'lt find in my Speech if thou'lt read a few pages.


s: For therein I've proved to my own satisfaction


s: And that of all 'Squires I've the honor of meeting


s: That 'tis the most senseless and foul-mouthed detraction


s: To say that poor people are fond of cheap eating.


s: On the contrary, such the "_chaste_ notions" of food


s: That dwell in each pale manufacturer's heart,


s: They would scorn any law, be it ever so good,


s: That would make thee, dear Goddess, less dear than thou art!


s: Whom the Land and the Silk shall in fond combination


s: (Like _Sulky_ and _Silky_, that pair in the play,)


s: Cry out with one voice for High Rents and Starvation!


s: Long life to the Minister!--no matter who,


s: Or how dull he may be, if with dignified spirit he


s: Keeps the ports shut--and the people's mouths too--


s: We shall all have a long run of Freddy's prosperity,


s: And, as for myself, who've, like Hannibal, sworn


s: To hate the whole crew who would take our rents from us,


s: Had England but _One_ to stand by thee, Dear Corn,


s: That last, honest Uni-Corn would be Sir Thomas!


s: A sort of "breakfast-power," composed of roasted corn, was


s: The venerable Jeremy's phrase for his after-dinner walk.


s: A phrase in one of Sir Thomas's last speeches.


s: Great efforts were, at that time, making for the exclusion of


s: has a particular liking for everything "chaste."


s: _"animas sapientiores fieri quiescendo."_


s: Come, Ayes and Noes, thro' thick and thin,--


s: Come--free, at length, from Joint-Stock cares--


s: Whose dreams of premium knew no boundary;


s: (Which thou'dst have made for Peter's Pence)


s: Two pipes of port (_old_ port, 'twas said


s: Tho' short your absence, all deplore it--


s: This charge of two pipes of port for the sacramental wine is a


s: The Budget--quite charming and witty--no hearing,


s: For plaudits and laughs, the good things that were in it;--


s: Great comfort to find, tho' the speech isn't _cheering_,


s: That all its gay auditors _were_ every minute.


s: What, _still_ more prosperity!--mercy upon us,


s: "This boy'll be the death of me"--oft as, already,


s: Such smooth Budgeteers have genteelly undone us,


s: For _Ruin made easy_ there's no one like Freddy.


s: Much grave apprehension exprest by the Peers,


s: Lest--calling to life the old Peachums and Lockitts--


s: The large stock of gold we're to have in three years,


s: Should all find its way into highwaymen's pockets!


s: Little doing--for sacred, oh Wednesday, thou art


s: To the seven-o'-clock joys of full many a table--


s: When _the Members_ all meet, to make much of that part,


s: With which they so rashly fell out in the Fable.


s: It appeared, tho', to-night, that--as church-wardens yearly,


s: Eat up a small baby--those cormorant sinners.


s: The Bankrupt Commissioners, _bolt_ very nearly


s: A moderate-sized bankrupt, _tout chaud_, for their dinners!


s: _Nota bene_--a rumor to-day, in the city,


s: "Mr. Robinson just has resigned"--what a pity!


s: The Bulls and the Bears all fell a sobbing,


s: When they heard of the fate of poor Cock _Robin_:


s: While thus, to the nursery tune, so pretty,


s: A murmuring _Stock_-dove breathed her ditty:--


s: And as sweet as a prosperous Cock could crow;


s: But his _note_ was _small_ and the _gold_-finch's song


s: "I," said the Bank, "tho' he played me a prank,


s: "While I have a rag, poor _Rob_ shall be rolled in't,


s: "With many a pound I'll paper him round,


s: "Like a plump rouleau--_without_ the gold in it."


s: Mr. Abercromby's statement of the enormous tavern bills of the


s: "The Public Debt is due from ourselves to ourselves, and resolves


s: Tune--_My banks are all furnisht with bees_.


s: Hands round!--why the deuce should we stop?


s: Let him write on the bills, "_nota bene_,


s: "I authorized my Committee to take the step which they did, of


s: --_Extract from Mr. W. J. Bankes's Letter to Mr. Goulbourn_.


s: Sir--Having just heard of the wonderful resurrection of Mr. Roger


s: What a lucky turn-up!--just as Eldon's withdrawing,


s: To find thus a gentleman, frozen in the year


s: Sixteen hundred and sixty, who only wants thawing


s: To serve for _our_ times quite as well as the Peer;--


s: To bring thus to light, not the Wisdom alone


s: Of our Ancestors, such as 'tis found on our shelves,


s: But in perfect condition, full-wigged and full-grown,


s: To shovel up one of those wise bucks themselves!


s: Oh thaw Mr. Dodsworth and send him safe home--


s: Let him learn nothing useful or new on the way;


s: With his wisdom kept snug from the light let him come,


s: And our Tories will hail him with "Hear!" and "Hurrah!"


s: What a God-send to _them_!--a good, obsolete man,


s: Who has never of Locke or Voltaire been a reader;--


s: Oh thaw Mr. Dodsworth as fast as you can,


s: And the Lonsdales and Hertfords shall choose him for leader.


s: Yes, Sleeper of Ages, thou _shalt_ be their chosen;


s: And deeply with thee will they sorrow, good men,


s: To think that all Europe has, since thou wert frozen,


s: So altered thou hardly wilt know it again.


s: And Eldon will weep o'er each sad innovation


s: Such oceans of tears, thou wilt fancy that he


s: Has been also laid up in a long congelation,


s: And is only now thawing, dear Roger, like thee.


s: Great Sir, having just had the good luck to catch


s: An official young demon, preparing to go,


s: Ready booted and spurred, with a black-leg despatch


s: From the Hell here at Crockford's, to _our_ Hell below--


s: I write these few lines to your Highness Satanic,


s: To say that first having obeyed your directions


s: And done all the mischief I could in "the Panic,"


s: My next special care was to help the Elections.


s: Well knowing how dear were those times to thy soul,


s: When every good Christian tormented his brother,


s: And caused, in thy realm, such a saving of coal,


s: From all coming down, ready grilled by each other;


s: Remembering besides how it pained thee to part


s: With the old Penal Code--that _chef-d'oeuvre_ of Law,


s: In which (tho' to own it too modest thou art)


s: We could plainly perceive the fine touch of thy claw;


s: I thought, as we ne'er can those good times revive,


s: (Tho' Eldon, with help from your Highness would try,)


s: 'Twould still keep a taste for Hell's music alive,


s: Could we get up a thundering No-Popery cry;--


s: That yell which when chorused by laics and clerics,


s: So like is to _ours_, in its spirit and tone.


s: That I often nigh laugh myself into hysterics,


s: To think that Religion should make it her own.


s: So, having sent down for the original notes


s: Of the chorus as sung by your Majesty's choir


s: With a few pints of lava to gargle the throats


s: Of myself and some others who sing it "with fire,"


s: Thought I, "if the Marseillais Hymn could command


s: "Such audience, tho' yelled by a _Sans-culotte_ crew


s: "What wonders shall _we_ do, who've men in our band,


s: "That not only wear breeches but petticoats too."


s: Such _then_ were my hopes, but with sorrow, your Highness,


s: I'm forced to confess--be the cause what it will,


s: Whether fewness of voices or hoarseness or shyness,--


s: Our Beelzebub Chorus has gone off but ill.


s: The truth is no placeman now knows his right key,


s: The Treasury pitch-pipe of late is so various;


s: And certain _base_ voices, that lookt for a fee


s: At the _York_ music-meeting now think it precarious.


s: Even some of our Reverends _might_ have been warmer,--


s: Tho' one or two capital roarers we've had;


s: Doctor Wiseis for instance a charming performer,


s: And _Huntingdon_ Maberley's yell was not bad!


s: Altogether however the thing was not hearty;--


s: And when next we attempt a No-Popery party,


s: We _must_, please your Highness, recruit _from below_.


s: But hark! the young Black-leg is cracking his whip--


s: Excuse me, Great Sir-there's no time to be civil;--


s: The next opportunity shan't be let slip,


s: A millennium at hand!--I'm delighted to hear it--


s: As matters both public and private now go,


s: With multitudes round us all starving or near it.


s: A good, rich Millennium will come _à-propos_.


s: Only think, Master Fred, what delight to behold,


s: Instead of thy bankrupt old City of Rags,


s: Sound bullion throughout from the roof to the flags--


s: A City where wine and cheap corn shall abound--


s: A celestial _Cocaigne_ on whose buttery shelves


s: We may swear the best things of this world will be found,


s: As your Saints seldom fail to take care of themselves!


s: Thanks, reverend expounder of raptures Elysian,


s: Divine Squintifobus who, placed within reach


s: Of two opposite worlds, by a twist of your vision


s: Can cast at the same time a sly look at each;--


s: Thanks, thanks for the hope thou affordest, that we


s: May even in our own times a Jubilee share.


s: Which so long has been promist by prophets like thee,


s: And so often postponed, we began to despair.


s: There was Whiston who learnedly took Prince Eugene


s: For the man who must bring the Millennium about;


s: There's Faber whose pious productions have been


s: All belied ere his book's first edition was out;--


s: There was Counsellor Dobbs, too, an Irish M. P.,


s: Who discoursed on the subject with signal _eclat_,


s: And, each day of his life sat expecting to see


s: A Millennium break out in the town of Armagh!


s: There was also--but why should I burden my lay


s: With your Brotherses, Southcotes, and names less deserving,


s: When all past Millenniums henceforth must give way


s: To the last new Millennium of Orator Irving.


s: Go on, mighty man,--doom them all to the shelf,--


s: And when next thou with Prophecy troublest thy sconce,


s: Oh forget not, I pray thee, to prove that thyself


s: Art the Beast (Chapter iv.) that sees nine ways at once.


s: "A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley


s: When Whiston presented to Prince Eugene the Essay in which he


s: There are three that all Doctors out-top,


s: Doctor Southey writes books by the yard.


s: By his scribbling or physicking brother,


s: Ay, and _doze_ us with stuff like the other.


s: Taat if Eady should take the _mad_ line,


s: Has been _had up_ to Bow-street for his!


s: That tho' little blood has been spilt, he


s: The _Chalking_ Act, _known_ to be guilty.


s: (With whose catalogue ne'er should I stop)


s: Of the three greatest lights of our time,


s: Should you ask me, to _which_ of the three


s: Great Doctors the preference should fall,


s: The editor of the Morning Herald, so nicknamed.


s: With "Lord" and "Duke," were sweet to call;


s: The minor felts that round thee grovel;--


s: For hats grow like the heads that wear 'em:


s: Who changed so quick from _blue_ to _yellow_,


s: To prove that priests all fleece their flocks


s: Still smarter cockt, still brusht the brighter,


s: Dear Coz, as I know neither you nor Miss Draper,


s: When Parliament's up, ever take in a paper,


s: But trust for your news to such stray odds and ends


s: As you chance to pick up from political friends-


s: Being one of this well-informed class, I sit down


s: To transmit you the last newest news that's in town.


s: As to Greece and Lord Cochrane, things couldn't look better--


s: His Lordship (who promises now to fight faster)


s: Has just taken Rhodes and despatched off a letter


s: To Daniel O'Connell, to make him Grand Master;


s: Engaging to change the old name, if he can,


s: Or if Dan should prefer (as a still better whim)


s: Being made the Colossus, 'tis all one to him.


s: From Russia the last accounts are that the Tsar--


s: Most generous and kind as all sovereigns are,


s: And whose first princely act (as you know, I suppose)


s: Was to give away all his late brother's old clothes--


s: Is now busy collecting with brotherly care


s: The late Emperor's nightcaps, and thinks, of bestowing


s: One nightcap apiece (if he has them to spare)


s: On all the distinguisht old ladies now going.


s: (While I write, an arrival from Riga--the "Brothers"--


s: Having nightcaps on board for Lord Eldon and others.)


s: Last advices from India--Sir Archy, 'tis thought,


s: Was near catching a Tartar (the first ever caught


s: In N. Lat. 2l.)--and his Highness Burmese,


s: Being very hard prest to shell out the rupees,


s: And not having rhino sufficient, they say, meant


s: To pawn his august Golden Foot for the payment.


s: (How lucky for monarchs, that thus when they choose


s: The security being what Rothschild calls "goot,"


s: A loan will be shortly, of course, set _on foot_;


s: The parties are Rothschild, A. Baring and Co.


s: With three other great pawnbrokers: each takes a toe,


s: And engages (lest Gold-foot should give us _leg_-bail,


s: As he did once before) to pay down _on the nail_.


s: This is all for the present--what vile pens and paper!


s: Yours truly, dear Cousin--best love to Miss Draper.


s: This potentate styles himself the Monarch of the Golden foot.


s: "Up!" said the Spirit and ere I could pray


s: For it glimmered o'er with a _doubtful_ light,


s: One couldn't say whether 'twas day or night;


s: And I felt like a needle that's going astray


s: (With its _one_ eye out) thro' a bundle of hay;


s: When the Spirit he grinned, and whispered me,


s: (Like bottled-up babes that grace the room


s: Of that worthy knight, Sir Everard Home)--


s: All of them, things half-killed in rearing;


s: Around on a _point of law_ were spinning;


s: Or balanced aloft, 'twixt _Bill_ and _Answer_,


s: Lead at each end, like a tight-rope dancer.


s: Some were so _cross_ that nothing could please 'em;-


s: Some gulpt down _affidavits_ to ease 'em--


s: Let it _move_ as it might, could ever move _on_,


s: "These," said the Spirit, "you plainly see,


s: I heard a loud screaming of old and young,


s: Or an Irish Dump ("the words by Moore ")


s: At an amateur concert screamed in score;--


s: Of the wretches who in this Limbo dwell!


s: Or those frogs whose legs a barbarous cook


s: Cut off and left the frogs in the brook,


s: To cry all night, till life's last dregs,


s: Touched with the sad and sorrowful scene,


s: When the Spirit replied, with a grin of glee,


s: With a wig like a cloud before men's eyes.


s: And they moved and moved as he waved it o'er,


s: But they never get on one inch the more.


s: While o'er as many old papers he turned,


s: He talkt of his virtue--"tho' some, less nice,


s: (He owned with a sigh) preferred his _Vice_"--


s: Called God to witness, and damned the Pope;


s: With many more sleights of tongue and hand


s: I couldn't for the soul of me understand.


s: To ask his name, when the screams without,


s: And that conjuror's mutterings, made such a din,


s: That, startled, I woke--leapt up in my bed--


s: Found the Spirit, the imps, and the conjuror fled,


s: And blest my stars, right pleased to see,


s: To the people of England, the humble Petition


s: Of Ireland's disconsolate Orangemen, showing--


s: That sad, very sad, is our present condition;--


s: Our jobbing all gone and our noble selves going;--


s: That forming one seventh, within a few fractions,


s: Of Ireland's seven millions of hot heads and hearts,


s: We hold it the basest of all base transactions


s: To keep us from murdering the other six parts;--


s: That as to laws made for the good of the many,


s: We humbly suggest there is nothing less true;


s: As all human laws (and our own, more than any)


s: Are made _by_ and _for_ a particular few:--


s: That much it delights every true Orange brother


s: To see you in England such ardor evince,


s: In discussing _which_ sect most tormented the other,


s: And burned with most _gusto_ some hundred years since;--


s: That we love to behold, while old England grows faint,


s: Messrs. Southey and Butler nigh coming to blows,


s: To decide whether Dunstan, that strong-bodied Saint,


s: Ever truly and really pulled the De'il's nose;


s: Whether t'other Saint, Dominic, burnt the De'il's paw--


s: Whether Edwy intrigued with Elgiva's odd mother--


s: And many such points, from which Southey can draw


s: Conclusions most apt for our hating each other.


s: That 'tis very well known this devout Irish nation


s: Believing in two kinds of Substantiation,


s: One party in _Trans_ and the other in _Con_;


s: That we, your petitioning _Cons_, have in right


s: Of the said monosyllable ravaged the lands


s: And embezzled the goods and annoyed, day and night,


s: Both the bodies and souls of the sticklers for _Trans_;--


s: That we trust to Peel, Eldon, and other such sages,


s: For keeping us still in the same state of mind;


s: Pretty much as the world used to be in those ages,


s: When still smaller syllables maddened mankind;--


s: When the words _ex_ and _per_ served as well to annoy


s: One's neighbors and friends with, as _con_ and _trans_ now;


s: And Christians, like Southey, who stickled for _oi_,


s: Cut the throats of all Christians who stickled for _ou_.


s: That relying on England whose kindness already


s: So often has helpt us to play this game o'er,


s: We have got our red coats and our carabines ready,


s: And wait but the word to show sport as before.


s: That as to the expense--the few millions or so,


s: Which for all such diversions John Bull has to pay--


s: 'Tis at least a great comfort to John Bull to know


s: That to Orangemen's pockets 'twill all find its way.


s: For which your petitioners ever will pray,


s: "And give him some bread, I implore you!"


s: "Should stoop from their Bench's sublimity,


s: "Base offspring of Arkwright the barber,


s: "What claim canst _thou_ have upon Lords?


s: "May defy your whole rabble of _Jennys_!"


s: Went Corn in his chaise thro' the throng,


s: "Squire Corn will be _down_ before long."


s: "A Christian of the best edition."--RABELAIS.


s: Canonize him!--yea, verily, we'll canonize him,


s: Tho' Cant is his hobby and meddling his bliss,


s: Tho' sages may pity and wits may despise him,


s: He'll ne'er make a bit the worse Saint for all this.


s: Descend, all ye Spirits, that ever yet spread


s: The dominion of Humbug o'er land and o'er sea,


s: Descend on our Butterworth's biblical head,


s: Come, shade of Joanna, come down from thy sphere.


s: And bring little Shiloh--if 'tisn't too far--


s: Such a sight will to Butterworth's bosom be dear,


s: _His_ conceptions and _thine_ being much on a par.


s: Nor blush, Saint Joanna, once more to behold


s: A world thou hast honored by cheating so many;


s: Thou'lt find still among us one Personage old,


s: Who also by tricks and the _Seals_ makes a penny.


s: Thou, too, of the Shakers, divine Mother Lee!


s: Thy smiles to beatified Butterworth deign;


s: Two "lights of the Gentiles" are thou, Anne, and he,


s: _One_ hallowing Fleet Street, and _t'other_ Toad Lane!


s: The heathen, we know, made their Gods out of wood,


s: And Saints may be framed of as handy materials;--


s: Old women and Butterworths make just as good


s: As any the Pope ever _bookt_ as Ethereals.


s: Stand forth, Man of Bibles!--not Mahomet's pigeon,


s: When perched on the Koran, he dropt there, they say,


s: Strong marks of his faith, ever shed o'er religion


s: Such glory as Butterworth sheds every day.


s: Great Galen of souls, with what vigor he crams


s: Down Erin's idolatrous throats, till they crack again,


s: Bolus on bolus, good man!--and then damns


s: Both their stomachs and souls, if they dare cast them back again.


s: How well might his shop--as a type representing


s: The creed of himself and his sanctified clan--


s: On its counter exhibit "the Art of Tormenting,"


s: Bound neatly, and lettered "Whole Duty of Man!"


s: Canonize him!--by Judas, we _will_ canonize him;


s: For Cant is his hobby and twaddling his bliss;


s: And tho' wise men may pity and wits may despise him,


s: He'll make but the better _shop_-saint for all this.


s: Call quickly together the whole tribe of Canters,


s: Convoke all the _serious_ Tag-rag of the nation;


s: To witness their Butterworth's Canonization!


s: Yea, humbly I've ventured his merits to paint,


s: Yea, feebly have tried all his gifts to portray,


s: And they form a sum-total for making a Saint.


s: That the Devil's own advocate could not gainsay.


s: Jump high, all ye Jumpers, ye Ranters all roar,


s: While Butterworth's spirit, upraised from your eyes,


s: Like a kite made of foolscap, in glory shall soar,


s: With a long tail of rubbish behind, to the skies!


s: The member, during a long period, for Coventry.


s: 'Twas evening time, in the twilight sweet


s: I sailed along, when--whom should I meet


s: When spying him first thro' twilight dim,


s: When he _ought_ to stay and be ate at home.


s: Like the magic lantern's shifting slider;


s: On the back of that Turtle sat a rider--


s: Who there at his ease did sit and smile,


s: Of what his _forced_-meat balls would be.


s: Inquiring friends that the Turtle and he


s: "parce illi; vestrum delicium est asinus."_


s: A donkey whose talent for burdens was wondrous,


s: So much that you'd swear he rejoiced in a load,


s: One day had to jog under panniers so ponderous,


s: That--down the poor Donkey fell smack on the road!


s: His owners and drivers stood round in amaze


s: What! Neddy, the patient, the prosperous Neddy,


s: So easy to drive thro' the dirtiest ways


s: For every description of job-work so ready!


s: One driver (whom Ned might have "hailed" as a "brother")


s: Had just been proclaiming his Donkey's renown


s: For vigor, for spirit, for one thing or other--


s: When, lo! mid his praises the Donkey came down!


s: But how to upraise him?--_one_ shouts, _t'other_ whistles,


s: While Jenky, the Conjuror, wisest of all,


s: Declared that an "over-production of thistles--


s: (Here Ned gave a stare)--was the cause of his fall."


s: Another wise Solomon cries as he passes--


s: "There, let him alone and the fit will soon cease;


s: "The beast has been fighting with other jack-asses,


s: "And this is his mode of '_transition to peace_.'"


s: Some lookt at his hoofs, and with learned grimaces


s: Pronounced that too long without shoes he had gone--


s: "Let the blacksmith provide him a _sound metal basis_,"


s: (The wise-acres said), "and he's sure to jog on."


s: Meanwhile, the poor Neddy in torture and fear


s: Lay under his panniers, scarce able to groan;


s: And--what was still dolefuller--lending an ear


s: To advisers whose ears were a match for his own.


s: At length a plain rustic whose wit went so far


s: As to see others' folly, roared out, as he past--


s: "Quick--off with the panniers, all dolts as ye are,


s: "Or your prosperous Neddy will soon kick his last!"


s: Great Sultan, how wise are thy state compositions!


s: In which thou command'st that all _she_ politicians


s: Shall forthwith be strangled and cast in the sea.


s: 'Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster--


s: A maid who her faith in old Jeremy puts,


s: Who talks with a lisp of "the last new West_minster_,"


s: And hopes you're delighted with "Mill upon Gluts;"


s: Who tells you how clever one Mr. Funblank is,


s: How charming his Articles 'gainst the Nobility;--


s: And assures you that even a gentleman's rank is


s: In Jeremy's school, of no sort of _utility_.


s: To see her, ye Gods, a new Number perusing--


s: ART. 2.--By her Favorite Funblank--"so amusing!


s: "Dear man! he makes Poetry quite a _Law_ case."


s: (Chief Fallacy being his hope to find readers);-


s: ART. 5.--(by the young Mr. Mill) "Hints to Breeders."


s: Oh, Sultan, oh, Sultan, tho' oft for the bag


s: And the bowstring, like thee, I am tempted to call--


s: Tho' drowning's too good for each blue-stocking hag,


s: I would bag this _she_ Benthamite first of them all!


s: And lest she should ever again lift her head


s: From the watery bottom, her clack to renew--


s: As a clog, as a sinker, far better than lead,


s: I would hang around her neck her own darling Review.


s: What! _still_ those two infernal questions,


s: While Ministers, still worse than either,


s: _Here_, landlords, _here_ polemics nail you,


s: Armed with all rubbish they can rake up;


s: _Prices_ and _Texts_ at once assail you--


s: From Daniel _these_, and _those_ from Jacob,


s: And when you sleep, with head still torn


s: Comes dancing thro' the "Porta _Corn_ea."


s: Like Papists, _bearding_ Church and State--


s: Where Corn or Papists ne'er were heard of.


s: The Horn Gate, through which the ancients supposed all true


s: dreams (such as those of the Popish Plot, etc.) to pass.


s: "The greater the truth, the worse the libel."


s: ('Twere a libel perhaps to mention where,)


s: (His horns, it seems, are made to unscrew;


s: So he has but to take them out of the socket,


s: Conveniently clap them into his pocket.)


s: And even contrived--to his own great wonder--


s: At White's and Crockford's, where no doubt


s: At night he was seen with Crockford's crew,


s: So past his time 'twixt _black_ and _blue_.


s: Swore, in a rage, "he'd be damned, if he


s: "Would ever sit in one house with Johnny."


s: The Press, the impartial Press, that snubs


s: Fired off a squib in the morning papers:


s: "With a fire-proof wig and a cloven hoof


s: Who piques himself on well-bred dealings,--


s: You may guess, when o'er these lines he ran,


s: How much they hurt and shockt his feelings.


s: And 'twould make you laugh could you have seen 'em,


s: And 'twas "hail, good fellow, well met," between 'em.


s: That Plaintiff's self was the Father of Evil--


s: And Stultz to speak to the tail of the Devil.


s: Found for the Plaintiff--on hearing which


s: The Devil gave one of his loftiest capers.


s: For oh, 'twas nuts to the Father of Lies


s: (As this wily fiend is named in the Bible)


s: That the greater the truth, the worse the libel!


s: Wanted--Authors of all-work to job for the season,


s: No matter which party, so faithful to neither;


s: Good hacks who, if posed for a rhyme or a reason.


s: Can manage, like ******, to do without either.


s: If in jail, all the better for out-o'-door topics;


s: Your jail is for travellers a charming retreat;


s: They can take a day's rule for a trip to the Tropics,


s: And sail round the world at their ease in the Fleet.


s: For a dramatist too the most useful of schools--


s: He can study high life in the King's Bench community;


s: Aristotle could scarce keep him more _within rules_,


s: And of _place_ he at least must adhere to the _unity_.


s: To have good "Reminiscences" (three-score or higher)


s: Will meet with encouragement--so much, _per_ page,


s: And the spelling and grammar both found by the buyer.


s: No matter with _what_ their remembrance is stockt,


s: So they'll only remember the _quantum_ desired;--


s: Enough to fill handsomely Two Volumes, _oct_.,


s: Price twenty-four shillings, is all that's required.


s: They may treat us, like Kelly, with old _jeu-d'esprits_,


s: Like Dibdin, may tell of each farcical frolic;


s: Or kindly inform us, like Madame Genlis,


s: That gingerbread-cakes always give them the colic.


s: Wanted also a new stock of Pamphlets on Corn


s: By "Farmers" and "Landholders"--(worthies whose lands


s: Enclosed all in bow-pots their attics adorn,


s: Or whose share of the soil maybe seen on their hands).


s: No-Popery Sermons, in ever so dull a vein,


s: Sure of a market;--should they too who pen 'em


s: Be renegade Papists, like Murtagh O'Sullivan,


s: Something _extra_ allowed for the additional venom.


s: All excellent subjects for turning a penny;--


s: To write upon _all_ is an author's sole chance


s: For attaining, at last, the least knowledge of _any_.


s: Nine times out of ten, if his _title_ is good,


s: The material _within_ of small consequence is;--


s: Let him only write fine, and, if not understood,


s: Why--that's the concern of the reader, not his.


s: _Nota Bene_--an Essay, now printing, to show,


s: That Horace (as clearly as words could express it)


s: Was for taxing the Fund-holders, ages ago,


s: When he wrote thus--"Quodcunque _in Fund is, assess it."_


s: "He is dead--he is dead," the rumor flew;


s: And I raised my chain and turned me round,


s: And askt, thro' the dungeon-window, "Who?"


s: Their grief 'twas bliss to hear and see!


s: And askt, "What foe of my race hath died?


s: "Is it he--that Doubter of law and right,


s: "Whom nothing but wrong could e'er decide--


s: "Who, long as he sees but wealth to win,


s: "Or what suitors for freedom he'd shut out--


s: "Who, a clog for ever on Truth's advance,


s: "Hangs round her (like the Old Man of the Sea


s: "Round Sinbad's neck), nor leaves a chance


s: With a laughter even more fierce and wild


s: Than their funeral howling, answered "No."


s: But the cry still pierced my prison-gate,


s: And again I askt, "What scourge is gone?


s: "Whose name is one of the ill-omened words


s: "They link with hate on his native plains;


s: "And why?--they lent him hearts and swords,


s: "And he in return gave scoffs and chains!


s: When, hark!--there sounded a Royal knell;


s: And I knew what spirit had just expired,


s: He had left to the future nor hope nor choice,


s: But sealed that hate with a Name Divine,


s: And he now was dead and--I _couldn't_ rejoice!


s: And _them_ did I curse--but sighed for him.


s: For, _his_ was the error of head not heart;


s: Go, learn _his_ fame from the lips of friends,


s: A Prince without pride, a man without guile,


s: Touched to the heart by that solemn toll,


s: While, still as I said, "Heaven rest his soul!"


s: Written on the death of the Duke of York.


s: subjecit pedibus, strepitumque Acherontis


s: Disputing _which_ most serves the nation.


s: "Oh! 'tis the Wig, that rules, like Love,


s: "Who tried the long, _Long_ WELLESLEY suit,


s: "Not thou, oh Hat!--tho' _couldst_ thou do't,


s: "Of other _brims_ than thine thou'dst learn.


s: "When, loath poor WELLESLEY to condemn, he


s: "Tho' cheapened at the cheapest hatter's,


s: "Thou ne'er wert made for public matters."


s: "Think of that night, that fearful night,


s: "When thou hadst to thy box sneaked off,


s: "Think, if Catarrh had quenched that sun,


s: "Of Church and State been ravisht from ye,


s: "Would then have played up 'Hell and Tommy'!


s: Which made him cut Hat's rhetoric shorter,


s: His Lordship's demand for fresh affidavits was incessant.


s: "To Panurge was assigned the Laird-ship of Salmagundi, which was


s: yearly worth 6,789,106,789 ryals besides the revenue of the


s: _Locusts_ and _Periwinkles_, amounting one year with another


s: And they cheered and shouted all the way,


s: And their rulers, skilled in all the trick


s: "And now," quoth the Minister, (eased of his panics,


s: And ripe for each pastime the summer affords,)


s: "Having had our full swing at destroying mechanics,


s: "By way of _set-off_, let us make a few Lords.


s: "'Tis pleasant--while nothing but mercantile fractures,


s: "Some simple, some _compound_, is dinned in our ears--


s: "To think that, tho' robbed all coarse manufactures,


s: "We still have our fine manufacture of Peers;--


s: "Those _Gotielin_ productions which Kings take a pride


s: "In engrossing the whole fabrication and trade of;


s: "Choice tapestry things very grand on _one_ side,


s: "But showing, on t'other, what rags they are made of.


s: The plan being fixt, raw material was sought,--


s: No matter how middling, if Tory the creed be;


s: And first, to begin with, Squire W---, 'twas thought,


s: For a Lord was as raw a material as need be.


s: Next came with his _penchant_ for painting and pelf


s: The tasteful Sir Charles, so renowned far and near


s: For purchasing pictures and selling himself--


s: And _both_ (as the public well knows) very dear.


s: Beside him Sir John comes, with equal _éclat_, in;--


s: Stand forth, chosen pair, while for titles we measure ye;


s: Both connoisseur baronets, both fond of _drawing_,


s: Sir John, after nature, Sir Charles, on the Treasury.


s: But, bless us!--behold a new candidate come--


s: In his hand he upholds a prescription, new written:


s: He poiseth a pill-box 'twixt finger and thumb,


s: And he asketh a seat 'mong the Peers of Great Britain!


s: "Forbid it," cried Jenky, "ye Viscounts, ye Earls!


s: "Oh Rank, how thy glories would fall disenchanted,


s: "If coronets glistend with pills stead of pearls,


s: "And the strawberry-leaves were by rhubarb supplanted!


s: "No--ask it not, ask it not, dear Doctor Holford--


s: "If naught but a Peerage can gladden thy life,


s: "And young Master Holford as yet is too small for't,


s: "Sweet Doctor, we'll make a _she_ Peer of thy wife.


s: "Next to bearing a coronet on our _own_ brows


s: "Is to bask in its light from the brows of another;


s: "And grandeur o'er thee shall reflect from thy spouse,


s: "As o'er Vesey Fitzgerald 'twill shine thro' his mother."


s: Thus ended the _First_ Batch--and Jenky, much tired


s: (It being no joke to make Lords by the heap),


s: Took a large dram of ether--the same that inspired


s: His speech 'gainst the Papists--and prosed off to sleep.


s: Among the persons mentioned as likely to be raised to the


s: Peerage are the mother of Mr. Vesey Fitzgerald, etc.


s: My Lords, I'm accused of a trick that God knows is


s: The last into which at my age I could fall--


s: Of leading this grave House of Peers by their noses,


s: Wherever I choose, princes, bishops and all.


s: My Lords, on the question before us at present,


s: No doubt I shall hear, "'Tis that cursed old fellow,


s: "That bugbear of all that is liberal and pleasant,


s: "Who won't let the Lords give the man his umbrella!"


s: God forbid that your Lordships should knuckle to me;


s: I am ancient--but were I as old as King Priam,


s: Not much, I confess, to your credit 'twould be,


s: To mind such a twaddling old Trojan as I am.


s: I own, of our Protestant laws I am jealous,


s: And long as God spares me will always maintain,


s: That _once_ having taken men's rights, or umbrellas,


s: We ne'er should consent to restore them again.


s: What security have you, ye Bishops and Peers,


s: If thus you give back Mr. Bell's _parapluie_,


s: That he mayn't with its stick, come about all your ears,


s: And then--_where_ would your Protestant periwigs be?


s: No! heaven be my judge, were I dying to-day,


s: Ere I dropt in the grave, like a medlar that's mellow,


s: "For God's sake"--at that awful moment I'd say--


s: "For God's sake, _don't_ give Mr. Bell his umbrella."


s: A case which interested the public very much at this period. A


s: From Mr. Canning's translation of Jekyl's--


s: _Dublin, March 12, 1827_.--Friday, after the arrival of the


s: Should thy faith in my medicine be shaken,


s: Nothing's wanted to make it more pleasant


s: 'Tis the cure that all quacks for thy ill,


s: The _Devil_ of the Freischütz could know


s: For he'd charm ye, in spite of your lead.


s: That you'd all of you know, as you sped,


s: To Swanage--that neat little town in whose bay


s: Fair Thetis shows off in her best silver slippers--


s: Lord Bags took his annual trip t'other day,


s: To taste the sea breezes and chat with the dippers.


s: There--learned as he is in conundrums and laws--


s: Quoth he to his dame (whom he oft plays the wag on),


s: "Why are chancery suitors like bathers?"--"Because


s: Their _suits_ are _put off_, till they haven't a rag on."


s: Thus on he went chatting--but, lo! while he chats,


s: With a face full of wonder around him he looks;


s: For he misses his parsons, his dear shovel hats,


s: Who used to flock round him at Swanage like rooks.


s: "How is this, Lady Bags?--to this region aquatic


s: "Last year they came swarming to make me their bow,


s: "As thick as Burke's cloud o'er the vales of Carnatic,


s: "Deans, Rectors, D.D.'s--where the devil are they now?"


s: "My dearest Lord Bags!" saith his dame, "_can_ you doubt?


s: "I am loath to remind you of things so unpleasant;


s: "But _don't_ you perceive, dear, the Church have found out


s: "That you're one of the people called _Ex's_, at present?"


s: "Ah, true--you have hit it--I _am_, indeed, one


s: "Of those ill-fated _Ex's_ (his Lordship replies),


s: "And with tears, I confess--God forgive me the pun!--


s: "We X's have proved ourselves _not_ to be Y's."


s: Wo, wo unto him who would check or disturb it--


s: That beautiful Light which is now on its way;


s: Which beaming, at first, o'er the bogs of Belturbet,


s: Now brightens sweet Ballinafad with its ray!


s: Oh Farnham, Saint Farnham, how much do we owe thee!


s: How formed to all tastes are thy various employs.


s: The old, as a catcher of Catholics, know thee;


s: The young, as an amateur scourger of boys.


s: Wo, wo to the man who such doings would smother!--


s: With whip in one hand and with Bible in t'other,


s: Like Mungo's tormentor, both "preachee and floggee."


s: Come, Saints from all quarters, and marshal his way;


s: Come, Lorton, who, scorning profane erudition,


s: Popt Shakespeare, they say, in the river one day,


s: Tho' 'twas only old Bowdler's _Velluti_ edition.


s: Come, Roden, who doubtest--so mild are thy views--


s: Whether Bibles or bullets are best for the nation;


s: Who leav'st to poor Paddy no medium to choose


s: 'Twixt good _old_ Rebellion and _new_ Reformation.


s: What more from her Saints can Hibernia require?


s: St. Bridget of yore like a dutiful daughter


s: Supplied her, 'tis said, with perpetual fire,


s: And Saints keep her _now_ in eternal hot water.


s: Wo, wo to the man who would check their career,


s: Or stop the Millennium that's sure to await us,


s: When blest with an orthodox crop every year,


s: We shall learn to raise Protestants fast as potatoes.


s: In kidnapping Papists, our rulers, we know,


s: Had been trying their talent for many a day;


s: Till Farnham, when all had been tried, came to show,


s: Like the German flea-catcher, "anoder goot way."


s: And nothing's more simple than Farnham's receipt;--


s: "Catch your Catholic, first--soak him well in _poteen_,


s: "Add _salary_ sauce, and the thing is complete.


s: "You may serve up your Protestant smoking and clean."


s: "Wo, wo to the wag, who would laugh at such cookery!"


s: Thus, from his perch, did I hear a black crow


s: Caw angrily out, while the rest of the rookery


s: Opened their bills and re-echoed "Wo! wo!"


s: The inextenguishable fire of St. Bridget, at Kildare.


s: "If in China or among the natives of India, we claimed civil


s: advantages which were connected with religious usages, little as


s: we might value those forms in our hearts, we should think common


s: decency required us to abstain from treating them with offensive


s: Come take my advice, never trouble your cranium,


s: When "civil advantages" are to be gained,


s: What god or what goddess may help to obtain you 'em,


s: Hindoo or Chinese, so they're only obtained.


s: In this world (let me hint in your organ auricular)


s: All the good things to good hypocrites fall;


s: And he who in swallowing creeds is particular,


s: Soon will have nothing to swallow at all.


s: Oh place me where _Fo_ (or, as some call him, _Fot_)


s: Is the god from whom "civil advantages" flow,


s: And you'll find, if there's anything snug to be got,


s: I shall soon be on excellent terms with old _Fo_.


s: Or were I where _Vishnu_, that four-handed god,


s: Is the quadruple giver of pensions and places,


s: I own I should feel it unchristian and odd


s: Not to find myself also in _Vishnu's_ good graces.


s: For among all the gods that humanely attend


s: To our wants in this planet, the gods to _my_ wishes


s: Are those that, like _Vishnu_ and others, descend


s: In the form so attractive, of loaves and of fishes!


s: So take my advice--for if even the devil


s: Should tempt men again as an idol to try him,


s: 'Twere best for us Tories even then to be civil,


s: As nobody doubts we should get something by him.


s: Come, riddle-me-ree, come, riddle-me-ree,


s: I am nearly one hundred and thirty years old,


s: And therefore no chicken, as you may suppose;--


s: Tho' a dwarf in my youth (as my nurses have told),


s: I have, every year since, been out-growing my clothes:


s: Till at last such a corpulent giant I stand,


s: That if folks were to furnish me now with a suit,


s: It would take every morsel of _scrip_ in the land


s: But to measure my bulk from the head to the foot.


s: Hence they who maintain me, grown sick of my stature,


s: To cover me nothing but _rags_ will supply;


s: And the doctors declare that in due course of nature


s: Meanwhile, I stalk hungry and bloated around,


s: An object of _interest_ most painful to all;


s: In the warehouse, the cottage, the place I'm found,


s: Holding citizen, peasant, and king in nay thrall.


s: When the lord of the counting-house bends o'er his book,


s: Bright pictures of profit delighting to draw,


s: O'er his shoulders with large cipher eyeballs I look,


s: And down drops the pen from his paralyzed paw!


s: When the Premier lies dreaming of dear Waterloo,


s: And expects thro' _another_ to caper and prank it,


s: You'd laugh did you see, when I bellow out "Boo!"


s: How he hides his brave Waterloo head in the blanket.


s: When mighty Belshazzar brims high in the hall


s: His cup, full of gout, to the Gaul's overthrow,


s: Lo, "_Eight Hundred Millions_" I write on the wall,


s: And the cup falls to earth and--the gout to his toe!


s: But the joy of my heart is when largely I cram


s: My maw with the fruits of the Squirearchy's acres,


s: And knowing who made me the thing that I am,


s: Like the monster of Frankenstein, worry my makers.


s: Then riddle-me-ree, come, riddle-me-ree,


s: And tell, if thou know'st, who _I_ may be.


s: Lying stretched on the beach in the sun,--


s: "What's the number of souls in this town?"--


s: "The number! Lord bless you, there's none.


s: "We have nothing but _dabs_ in this place,


s: But the _soles_, please your reverence and grace,


s: But your _soles_, every one, out of town.


s: In the dog-days, with _thee_ must be puzzled!--


s: Whose amendments (like honest Sir Boyle's)


s: Are "_amendments_, that make matters _worse_;"


s: With Redesdale's five quarters of mutton?


s: As that precious one, "This is too bad!"


s: The _nom de guerre_ under which Colman has written some of his


s: Next week will be published (as "Lives" are the rage)


s: The whole Reminiscences, wondrous and strange,


s: Of a small puppy-dog that lived once in the cage


s: Of the late noble Lion at Exeter 'Change.


s: Tho' the dog is a dog of the kind they call "sad,"


s: 'Tis a puppy that much to good breeding pretends;


s: And few dogs have such opportunities had


s: Of knowing how Lions behave--among friends;


s: How that animal eats, how he snores, how he drinks,


s: Is all noted down by this Boswell so small;


s: And 'tis plain from each sentence, the puppy-dog thinks


s: That the Lion was no such great things after all.


s: Tho' he roared pretty well--this the puppy allows--


s: It was all, he says, borrowed--all second-hand roar;


s: And he vastly prefers his own little bow-wows


s: To the loftiest war-note the Lion could pour.


s: 'Tis indeed as good fun as a _Cynic_ could ask,


s: To see how this cockney-bred setter of rabbits


s: Takes gravely the Lord of the Forest to task,


s: And judges of lions by puppy-dog habits.


s: Nay, fed as he was (and this makes it a dark case)


s: With sops every day from the Lion's own pan,


s: He lifts up his leg at the noble beast's carcass.


s: However, the book's a good book, being rich in


s: Examples and warnings to lions high-bred,


s: How they suffer small mongrelly curs in their kitchen,


s: Who'll feed on them living and foul them when dead.


s: After so much good teaching 'tis quite a _take-in_, Sir;


s: First schooled as you were under Metternich's eye,


s: And then (as young misses say) "finisht" at Windsor!


s: I ne'er in my life knew a case that was harder;--


s: Such feasts as you had when you made us a call!


s: Three courses each day from his Majesty's larder,--


s: And now to turn absolute Don after all!!


s: Some authors, like Bayes, to the style and the matter


s: Of each thing they _write_ suit the way that they _dine_,


s: Roast sirloin for Epic, broiled devils for Satire,


s: And hotchpotch and _trifle_ for rhymes such as mine.


s: That Rulers should feed the same way, I've no doubt;--


s: Great Despots on _bouilli_ served up _à la Russe_,


s: Your small German Princes on frogs and sour crout,


s: And your Viceroy of Hanover always on _goose_.


s: _Some_ Dons too have fancied (tho' this may be fable)


s: A dish rather dear, if in cooking they blunder it;--


s: Not content with the common _hot_ meat _on_ a table,


s: They're partial (eh, Mig?) to a dish of _cold under_ it!


s: Even Windsor's collations plebeianly plain;


s: Where the dishes most _high_ that my Lady sends round


s: Are here _Maintenon_ cutlets and soup _à la Reine_.


s: Alas! that a youth with such charming beginnings,


s: Should sink all at once to so sad a conclusion,


s: And what is still worse, throw the losings and winnings


s: Of worthies on 'Change into so much confusion!


s: The Bulls, in hysterics--the Bears just as bad--


s: The few men who _have_, and the many who've _not_ tick,


s: All shockt to find out that that promising lad,


s: Prince Metternich's pupil, is--_not_ patriotic!


s: Oft have I seen, in gay, equestrian pride,


s: Some well-rouged youth round Astley's Circus ride


s: Two stately steeds--standing, with graceful straddle,


s: Like him of Rhodes, with foot on either saddle,


s: While to soft tunes--some jigs and some _andantes_--


s: He steers around his light-paced Rosinantes.


s: So rides along, with canter smooth and pleasant,


s: That horseman bold, Lord Anglesea, at present;--


s: _Papist_ and _Protestant_ the coursers twain,


s: That lend their necks to his impartial rein,


s: And round the ring--each honored, as they go,


s: With equal pressure from his gracious toe--


s: To the old medley tune, half "Patrick's Day"


s: And half "Boyne Water," take their cantering way,


s: While Peel, the showman in the middle, cracks


s: His long-lasht whip to cheer the doubtful hacks.


s: How blest, if neither steed would bolt or start;--


s: If _Protestant's_ old restive tricks were gone,


s: And _Papist's_ winkers could be still kept on!


s: But no, false hopes--not even the great Ducrow


s: 'Twixt two such steeds could 'scape an overthrow:


s: If _solar_ hacks played Phaëton a trick,


s: If once my Lord his graceful balance loses,


s: Or fails to keep each foot where each horse chooses;


s: If Peel but gives one _extra_ touch of whip


s: To _Papist's_ tail or _Protestant's_ ear-tip--


s: That instant ends their glorious horsmanship!


s: Off bolt the severed steeds, for mischief free.


s: And down between them plumps Lord Anglesea!


s: And saw that valley where all the things,


s: The hopes of youth, the resolves of age,


s: The vow of the lover, the dream of the sage,


s: The promises great men strew about them;


s: Of monarchs who rule as well without them!--


s: Like him, but diving with wing profound,


s: Where characters lost on earth, (and _cried_,


s: In heaps like yesterday's orts, are thrown


s: That even the imps would not purloin them,


s: From the canting lips of saints that would be;


s: And some once owned by "the best of men,"


s: Who had proved-no better than they should be.


s: Once shining fair, now soakt and black--


s: Two statesmen's characters, found, he said,


s: Last night, on the floor of the House of Commons;


s: For their journey down, as you may suppose;


s: But _one_ so devilish rank--"Odd's curse!".


s: Said the Lord Chief Imp, and held his nose.


s: "From whom these two stray matters fell;"--


s: Then, casting away, with loathful shrug,


s: The Invisible's own dark hand had mixt),


s: And trying, tho' mischief laught in his eye,


s: To be moral because of the _young_ imps by,


s: "What a pity!" he cried--"so fresh its gloss,


s: "This comes of a man, the careless blockhead,


s: "There's room for that and his gains together--


s: "Cramming and cramming and cramming away,


s: "Till--out slips character some fine day!


s: "However"--and here he viewed it round--


s: "Some flaws, soon patched, some stains are all


s: "The harm it has had in its luckless fall.


s: "Here, Puck!" and he called to one of his train--


s: "Tho' damaged for ever, if used with skill,


s: "It may serve perhaps to _trade on_ still;


s: 'Mong our neighbors, the French, in the good olden time


s: When Nobility flourisht, great Barons and Dukes


s: Often set up for authors in prose and in rhyme,


s: But ne'er took the trouble to write their own books.


s: Poor devils were found to do this for their betters;--


s: And one day a Bishop, addressing a _Blue_,


s: Said, "Ma'am, have you read my new Pastoral Letters?"


s: To which the _Blue_ answered--"No, Bishop, have you?"


s: The same is now done by _our_ privileged class;


s: And to show you how simple the process it needs,


s: For an author of History, thus he proceeds:--


s: First, scribbling his own stock of notions as well


s: As he can, with a _goose_-quill that claims him as _kin_,


s: He settles his neckcloth--takes snuff--rings the bell,


s: The Subaltern comes--sees his General seated,


s: In all the self-glory of authorship swelling;--


s: "There look," saith his Lordship, "my work is completed,--


s: "It wants nothing now but the grammar and spelling."


s: Well used to a _breach_, the brave Subaltern dreads


s: Awkward breaches of syntax a hundred times more;