s: And tho' often condemned to see breaking of heads,


s: He had ne'er seen such breaking of Priscian's before.


s: However, the job's sure to _pay_--that's enough--


s: So, to it he sets with his tinkering hammer,


s: Convinced that there never was job half so tough


s: As the mending a great Major-General's grammar.


s: But lo! a fresh puzzlement starts up to view--


s: New toil for the Sub.--for the Lord new expense:


s: 'Tis discovered that mending his _grammar_ won't do,


s: As the Subaltern also must find him in _sense_!


s: At last--even this is achieved by his aid;


s: Friend Subaltern pockets the cash and--the story;


s: Drums beat--the new Grand March of Intellect's played--


s: And off struts my Lord, the Historian, in glory!


s: Or Lieutenant-General, as it may happen to be.


s: Di quà, di là, di giu, di su gli mena."_


s: I turned my steps and lo! a shadowy throng


s: Of ghosts came fluttering towards me--blown along,


s: Like cockchafers in high autumnal storms,


s: By many a fitful gust that thro' their forms


s: Whistled, as on they came, with wheezy puff,


s: And puft as--tho' they'd never puff enough.


s: "Whence and what are ye?" pitying I inquired


s: Of these poor ghosts, who, tattered, tost, and tired


s: With such eternal puffing, scarce could stand


s: On their lean legs while answering my demand.


s: "We once were authors"--thus the Sprite, who led


s: This tag-rag regiment of spectres, said--


s: "Authors of every sex, male, female, neuter,


s: "Who, early smit with love of praise and--_pewter_,


s: "On C--lb--n's shelves first saw the light of day,


s: "In ---'s puffs exhaled our lives away--


s: "Like summer windmills, doomed to dusty peace,


s: "When the brisk gales that lent them motion, cease.


s: "Ah! little knew we then what ills await


s: "Much-lauded scribblers in their after-state;


s: "Bepuft on earth--how loudly Str--t can tell--


s: "And, dire reward, now doubly puft in hell!"


s: Touched with compassion for this ghastly crew,


s: Whose ribs even now the hollow wind sung thro'


s: In mournful prose,--such prose as Rosa's ghost


s: Still, at the accustomed hour of eggs and toast,


s: Sighs thro' the columns of the _Morning Post_,--


s: Pensive I turned to weep, when he who stood


s: Foremost of all that flatulential brood,


s: Singling a _she_-ghost from the party, said,


s: "One of our _lettered_ nymphs--excuse the pun--


s: "Who gained a name on earth by--having none;


s: "Had she but learned those plain ones, A. B. C.


s: "Yon smirking ghost, like mummy dry and neat,


s: "Wrapt in his own dead rhymes--fit winding-sheet--


s: "Still marvels much that not a soul should care


s: "One single pin to know who wrote 'May Fair;'--


s: "While this young gentleman," (here forth he drew


s: A dandy spectre, puft quite thro' and thro',


s: For the whole Row's soft _trade_winds to inspire,)


s: "This modest genius breathed one wish alone,


s: "To have his volume read, himself unknown;


s: "But different far the course his glory took,


s: "All knew the author, and--none read the book.


s: "Behold, in yonder ancient figure of fun,


s: "Who rides the blast, Sir Jonah Barrington;--


s: "In tricks to raise the wind his life was spent,


s: "And now the wind returns the compliment.


s: "This lady here, the Earl of ---'s sister,


s: "Is a dead novelist; and this is Mister--


s: "A gentleman who some weeks since came over


s: "In a smart puff (wind S. S. E.) to Dover.


s: "Yonder behind us limps young Vivian Grey,


s: "Whose life, poor youth, was long since blown away--


s: "Like a torn paper-kite on which the wind


s: "No further purchase for a puff can find."


s: "And thou, thyself"--here, anxious, I exclaimed--


s: "Tell us, good ghost, how thou, thyself, art named."


s: "Me, Sir!" he blushing cried--"Ah! there's the rub--


s: "Know, then--a waiter once at Brooks's Club,


s: "A waiter still I might have long remained,


s: "And long the club-room's jokes and glasses drained;


s: "But ah! in luckless hour, this last December,


s: "I wrote a book, and Colburn dubbed me 'Member'--


s: "'Member of Brooks's!'--oh Promethean puff,


s: "To what wilt thou exalt even kitchen-stuff!


s: "With crumbs of gossip, caught from dining wits,


s: "And half-heard jokes, bequeathed, like half-chewed bits,


s: "To be, each night, the waiter's perquisites;--


s: "With such ingredients served up oft before,


s: "But with fresh fudge and fiction garnisht o'er,


s: "I managed for some weeks to dose the town,


s: "Till fresh reserves of nonsense ran me down;


s: "And ready still even waiters' souls to damn,


s: "The Devil but rang his bell, and--here I am;--


s: "Yes--'Coming _up_, Sir,' once my favorite cry,


s: "Exchanged for 'Coming _down_, Sir,' here am I!"


s: Scarce had the Spectre's lips these words let drop,


s: When, lo! a breeze--such as from ---'s shop


s: Blows in the vernal hour when puffs prevail,


s: And speeds the _sheets_ and swells the lagging _sale_--


s: Took the poor waiter rudely in the poop,


s: And whirling him and all his grisly group


s: The nameless author, better known than read--


s: And last, not least, Lord Nobody's twin-sister--


s: Blew them, ye gods, with all their prose and rhymes


s: And sins about them, far into those climes


s: "Where Peter pitched his waistcoat" in old times,


s: With my great master, thro' this realm unblest,


s: Whether Old Nick or Colburn puffs the best.


s: Rosa Matilda, who was for many years the writer of the political


s: "History of the Clubs of London," announced as by "a Member of


s: To the same head, thro' right and wrong.


s: Thro' long, long years our rallying sign--


s: _This_ was "the unkindest _cut_ of all!"


s: That steered its course by Bathurst's tail?


s: Though thus deprived of Bathurst's _queue_,


s: We've Ellenborough's _curls_ still left us:--


s: Sweet curls, from which young Love, so vicious,


s: His shots, as from nine-pounders, issues;


s: His Lordship shakes, as Homer's God did,


s: And oft in thundering talk comes near him;


s: Thro' many a year your growth to nourish!


s: His barbarous shears such locks to sever,


s: The noble Lord, as is well known, cut off this much-respected


s: appendage on his retirement from office some months since.


s: Curse the cormorants! stone 'em, shoot 'em,


s: Go seek for some abler defenders of wrong,


s: If we _must_ run the gantlet thro' blood and expense;


s: Or, Goths as ye are, in your multitude strong,


s: Be content with success and pretend not to sense.


s: If the words of the wise and the generous are vain,


s: If Truth by the bowstring _must_ yield up her breath,


s: Let Mutes do the office--and spare her the pain


s: Of an Inglis or Tyndal to talk her to death.


s: Chain, persecute, plunder--do all that you will--


s: But save us, at least, the old womanly lore


s: Of a Foster, who, dully prophetic of ill,


s: Is at once the _two_ instruments, AUGUR and BORE.


s: Bring legions of Squires--if they'll only be mute--


s: And array their thick heads against reason and right,


s: Like the Roman of old, of historic repute,


s: Pour out from each corner and hole of the Court


s: Your Bedchamber lordlings, your salaried slaves,


s: Who, ripe for all job-work, no matter what sort,


s: Have their consciences tackt to their patents and staves.


s: Catch all the small fry who, as Juvenal sings,


s: Are the Treasury's creatures, wherever they swim;


s: With all the base, time-serving _toadies_ of Kings,


s: Who, if Punch were the monarch, would worship even him;


s: And while on the _one_ side each name of renown


s: That illumines and blesses our age is combined;


s: While the Foxes, the Pitts, and the Cannings look down,


s: And drop o'er the cause their rich mantles of Mind;


s: Let bold Paddy Holmes show his troops on the other,


s: And, counting of noses the quantum desired,


s: Let Paddy but say, like the Gracchi's famed mother,


s: And thus let your farce be enacted hereafter--


s: Thus honestly persecute, outlaw and chain;


s: But spare even your victims the torture of laughter,


s: And never, oh never, try _reasoning_ again!


s: Fabius, who sent droves of bullock against the enemy.


s: Where linnets strain their tuneful throats;


s: And 'stead of crystal brooks and floods,


s: Called by Vergil, botanically, "species _aurifrondentis_."


s: No longer dear Vesey, feel hurt and uneasy


s: At hearing it said by the Treasury brother,


s: That thou art a sheet of blank paper, my Vesey,


s: And he, the dear, innocent placeman, another.


s: For lo! what a service we Irish have done thee;--


s: Thou now art a sheet of blank paper no more;


s: By St. Patrick, we've scrawled such a lesson upon thee


s: As never was scrawled upon foolscap before.


s: Come--on with your spectacles, noble Lord Duke,


s: (Or O'Connell has _green_ ones he haply would lend you,)


s: Read Vesey all o'er (as you _can't_ read a book)


s: And improve by the lesson we bog-trotters send you;


s: A lesson, in large _Roman_ characters traced,


s: Whose awful impressions from you and your kin


s: Of blank-sheeted statesmen will ne'er be effaced--


s: Unless, 'stead of _paper_, you're mere _asses' skin_.


s: Shall I help you to construe it? ay, by the Gods,


s: Could I risk a translation, you _should_ have a rare one;


s: But pen against sabre is desperate odds,


s: And you, my Lord Duke (as you _hinted_ once), wear one.


s: Again and again I say, read Vesey o'er;--


s: You will find him worth all the old scrolls of papyrus


s: Or the learned Champollion e'er wrote of, to tire us.


s: All blank as he was, we've returned him on hand,


s: Scribbled o'er with a warning to Princes and Dukes,


s: Whose plain, simple drift if they _won't_ understand,


s: Tho' carest at St. James's, they're fit for St. Luke's.


s: Talk of leaves of the Sibyls!--more meaning conveyed is


s: In one single leaf such as now we have spelled on,


s: Than e'er hath been uttered by all the old ladies


s: That ever yet spoke, from the Sibyls to Eldon.


s: Vill nobodies try my nice _Annual Pill_,


s: Pless ma heart, pless ma heart, let ma say vat I vill,


s: Not a Chrishtian or Shentleman minds vat I say.


s: 'Tis so pretty a bolus!--just down let it go,


s: And, at vonce, such a _radical_ shange you vill see,


s: Dat I'd not be surprished, like de horse in de show,


s: If your heads all vere found, vere your tailsh ought to be!


s: Vill nobodies try my nice _Annual Pill_, etc.


s: 'Twill cure all Electors and purge away clear


s: Dat mighty bad itching dey've got in deir hands--


s: 'Twill cure too all Statesmen of dulness, ma tear,


s: Tho' the case vas as desperate as poor Mister VAN'S.


s: Dere is noting at all vat dis Pill vill not reach--


s: Give the Sinecure Ghentleman van little grain,


s: Pless ma heart, it vill act, like de salt on de leech,


s: And he'll throw de pounds, shillings, and pence, up again!


s: 'Twould be tedious, ma tear, all its peauties to paint--


s: "But, among oder tings _fundamentally_ wrong,


s: It vill cure de Proad Pottom--a common complaint


s: Among M.P.'s and weavers--from _sitting_ too long.


s: Should symptoms of _speeching_ preak out on a dunce


s: (Vat is often de case), it vill stop de disease,


s: And pring avay all de long speeches at vonce,


s: Dat else vould, like tape-worms, come by degrees!


s: Vill nobodies try my nice _Annual Pill_,


s: Pless ma heart, pless ma heart, let me say vat I vill,


s: Not a Chrishtian or Shentleman minds vat I say!


s: Meaning, I presume, _Coalition_ Administrations.


s: Oh tidings of freedom! oh accents of hope!


s: Waft, waft them, ye zephyrs, to Erin's blue sea,


s: And refresh with their sounds every son of the Pope,


s: "_If_ mutely the slave will endure and obey,


s: "Nor clanking his fetters nor breathing his pains,


s: "His masters _perhaps_ at some far distant day


s: "May _think_ (tender tyrants!) of loosening his chains."


s: Wise "if" and "perhaps!"--precious salve for our wounds,


s: If he who would rule thus o'er manacled mutes,


s: Could check the free spring-tide of Mind that resounds,


s: Even now at his feet, like the sea at Canute's.


s: But, no, 'tis in vain--the grand impulse is given--


s: Man knows his high Charter, and knowing will claim;


s: And if ruin _must_ follow where fetters are riven,


s: Be theirs who have forged them the guilt and the shame.


s: "_If_ the slave will be silent!"--vain Soldier, beware--


s: There _is_ a dead silence the wronged may assume,


s: When the feeling, sent back from the lips in despair,


s: But clings round the heart with a deadlier gloom;--


s: When the blush that long burned on the suppliant's cheek,


s: Gives place to the avenger's pale, resolute hue;


s: And the tongue that once threatened, disdaining to _speak_,


s: Consigns to the arm the high office--to _do_.


s: _If_ men in that silence should think of the hour


s: When proudly their fathers in panoply stood,


s: Presenting alike a bold front-work of power


s: To the despot on land and the foe on the flood:--


s: That hour when a Voice had come forth from the west,


s: To the slave bringing hopes, to the tyrant alarms;


s: And a lesson long lookt for was taught the opprest,


s: That kings are as dust before freemen in arms!


s: _If_, awfuller still, the mute slave should recall


s: That dream of his boyhood, when Freedom's sweet day


s: At length seemed to break thro' a long night of thrall,


s: And Union and Hope went abroad in its ray;--


s: _If_ Fancy should tell him, that Dayspring of Good,


s: Tho' swiftly its light died away from his chain,


s: Tho' darkly it set in a nation's best blood,


s: Now wants but invoking to shine out again;


s: _If--if_, I say--breathings like these should come o'er


s: The chords of remembrance, and thrill as they come,


s: Then,--_perhaps_--ay, _perhaps_--but I dare not say more;


s: Air.--"_Sleep on, sleep on, my Kathleen dear.


s: Write, write, ye Peers, nor stoop to style,


s: "The parting Genius is with sighing sent."


s: It is o'er, it is o'er, my reign is o'er;


s: "Great Tithe and Small are dead and gone!"


s: In the Church must have your bacon saved;--


s: Ye fields, where Labor counts his sheaves,


s: Must bow to the Establisht _Church_ belief,


s: That the tenth is always a _Protestant_ sheaf;--


s: All things in short since earth's creation,


s: Leaving the whole _lay_-world, since then,


s: Just _ten per cent_. the worse for Parsons!


s: For the saving of souls thus gone in a trice?--


s: The whole put down, in the simplest way,


s: To _pay_ for our sermons doomed, 'tis true,


s: With the ears of their barley, not their own,)


s: It is o'er, it is o'er, my reign is o'er,


s: And make of his flock "a prey and meat."


s: Of suing his flock in the Bishop's Court,


s: In the case of "Shepherds _versus_ Sheep,"


s: While Plaintiff fills the preacher's station,


s: So lives he, Mammon's priest, not Heaven's,


s: For _tenths_ thus all at _sixes_ and _sevens_,


s: His reverence stints his evening readings


s: To learned Reports of Tithe Proceedings,


s: Like old Thumb's ghost, "I can no more."


s: --LORD BEXLEY'S _Letter to the Freeholders of Kent_.


s: Of sauces and soups Aristarchus profest!


s: Are _you_, too, my savory Brunswicker, going


s: To make an old fool of yourself with the rest?


s: Far better to stick to your kitchen receipts;


s: And--if you want _something_ to tease--for variety,


s: Go study how Ude, in his "Cookery," treats


s: Live eels when he fits them for polisht society.


s: Just snuggling them in, 'twixt the bars of the fire,


s: He leaves them to wriggle and writhe on the coals,


s: In a manner that Horner himself would admire,


s: And wish, 'stead of _eels_, they were Catholic souls.


s: Ude tells us the fish little suffering feels;


s: While Papists of late have more sensitive grown;


s: So take my advice, try your hand at live eels,


s: And for _once_ let the other poor devils alone.


s: I have even a still better receipt for your cook--


s: How to make a goose die of confirmed _hepatitis;_


s: And if you'll, for once, _fellow_-feelings o'erlook,


s: A well-tortured goose a most capital sight is.


s: First, catch him, alive--make a good steady fire--


s: Set your victim before it, both legs being tied,


s: (As if left to himself he _might_ wish to retire,)


s: And place a large bowl of rich cream by his side.


s: There roasting by inches, dry, fevered, and faint,


s: Having drunk all the cream you so civilly laid, off,


s: He dies of as charming a liver complaint


s: As ever sleek person could wish a pie made of.


s: Besides, only think, my dear one of Sixteen,


s: What an emblem this bird, for the epicure's use meant.


s: Presents of the mode in which Ireland has been


s: Made a tid-bit for yours and your brethren's amusement:


s: Tied down to the stake, while her limbs, as they quiver,


s: A slow fire of tyranny wastes by degrees--


s: No wonder disease should have swelled up her liver,


s: No wonder you, Gourmands, should love her disease.


s: The only way, Monsieur Ude assures us, to get rid of the oil so


s: A liver complaint. The process by which the livers of geese are


s: enlarged for the famous _Pates de foie d'oie_.


s: The present Lord Kenyon (the Peer who writes letters,


s: For which the waste-paper folks much are his debtors)


s: Hath one little oddity well worth reciting,


s: Which puzzleth observers even more than his writing.


s: Whenever Lord Kenyon doth chance to behold


s: A cold Apple-pie--mind, the pie _must_ be cold--


s: His Lordship looks solemn (few people know why),


s: And he makes a low bow to the said apple-pie.


s: This idolatrous act in so "vital" a Peer,


s: Is by most serious Protestants thought rather queer--


s: Pie-worship, they hold, coming under the head


s: (Vide _Crustium_, chap, iv.) of the Worship of Bread.


s: Some think 'tis a tribute, as author he owes


s: For the service that pie-crust hath done to his prose;--


s: The only good things in his pages, they swear,


s: Being those that the pastry-cook sometimes put there.


s: _Others_ say, 'tis a homage, thro' piecrust conveyed,


s: To our Glorious Deliverer's much-honored shade;


s: As that Protestant Hero (or Saint, if you please)


s: Was as fond of cold pie as he was of green pease,


s: And 'tis solely in loyal remembrance of that,


s: My Lord Kenyon to apple-pie takes off his hat.


s: While others account for this kind salutation;"--


s: By what Tony Lumpkin calls "concatenation;"


s: A certain good-will that, from sympathy's ties,


s: 'Twixt old _Apple_-women and _Orange_-men lies.


s: But 'tis needless to add, these are all vague surmises,


s: For thus, we're assured, the whole matter arises:


s: Lord Kenyon's respected old father (like many


s: Respected old fathers) was fond of a penny;


s: And loved so to save, that--there's not the least question--


s: His death was brought on by a bad indigestion,


s: From cold apple-pie-crust his Lordship _would_ stuff in


s: At breakfast to save the expense of hot muffin.


s: Hence it is, and hence only, that cold apple-pies


s: Are beheld by his Heir with such reverent eyes--


s: Just as honest King Stephen his beaver might doff


s: To the fishes that carried his kind uncle off--


s: And while _filial_ piety urges so many on,


s: 'Tis pure _apple_-pie-ety moves my Lord Kenyon.


s: _huc coeamus, ait; nullique libentius unquam responsura sono,


s: There are echoes, we know, of all sorts,


s: To the "airy-tongued babbler" that sports


s: There are echoes that bore us, like Blues,


s: With the latest smart _mot_ they have heard;


s: I might track thro' each hard Irish name


s: And their noddles too soft to dwell much on.


s: Of the dell and the deep-sounding shelves;


s: Take to fools who are charmed with themselves,


s: _1st Bruns_.--Thrice hath scribbling Kenyon scrawled,


s: _2d Bruns_.--Once hath fool Newcastle bawled,


s: _1st Bruns_.--Round about the caldron go;


s: _All_.--Dribble, dribble, nonsense dribble,


s: _2d Bruns_.--Slaver from Newcastle's quill


s: _3d Bruns_.--Now the charm begin to brew;


s: Whene'er you're in doubt, said a Sage I once knew,


s: 'Twixt two lines of conduct _which_ course to pursue,


s: Ask a woman's advice, and, whate'er she advise,


s: Do the very reverse and you're sure to be wise.


s: Of the same use as guides the Brunswicker throng;


s: In their thoughts, words and deeds, so instinctively wrong,


s: That whatever they counsel, act, talk or indite,


s: Take the opposite course and you're sure to be right.


s: So golden this rule, that, had nature denied you


s: The use of that finger-post, Reason, to guide you--


s: Were you even more doltish than any given man is,


s: More soft than Newcastle, more twaddling than Van is.


s: I'd stake my repute, on the following conditions,


s: To make you the soundest of sound politicians.


s: Place yourself near the skirts of some high-flying Tory--


s: Some Brunswicker parson, of port-drinking glory,--


s: Watch well how he dines, during any great Question--


s: What makes him feel gayly, what spoils his digestion--


s: And always feel sure that _his_ joy o'er a stew


s: Portends a clear case of dyspepsia to _you_.


s: Read him backwards, like Hebrew--whatever he wishes


s: Or praises, note down as absurd or pernicious.


s: Like the folks of a weather-house, shifting about,


s: When he's _out_ be an _In_-when he's _in_ be an _Out_.


s: Keep him always reversed in your thoughts, night and day,


s: Like an Irish barometer turned the wrong way:--


s: If he's _up_ you may swear that foul weather is nigh;


s: If he's _down_ you may look for a bit of blue sky.


s: Never mind what debaters or journalists say,


s: Only ask what _he_ thinks and then think t'other way.


s: Does he hate the Small-note Bill? then firmly rely


s: The Small-note Bill's a blessing, tho' _you_ don't know why.


s: Is Brougham his aversion? then Harry's your man.


s: Does he quake at O'Connell? take doubly to Dan.


s: Is he all for the Turks? then at once take the whole


s: Russian Empire (Tsar, Cossacks and all) to your soul.


s: In short, whatsoever he talks, thinks or is,


s: Be your thoughts, words and essence the contrast of his.


s: Nay, as Siamese ladies--at least the polite ones,--


s: All paint their teeth black, 'cause the devil has white ones-


s: If even by the chances of time or of tide


s: Your Tory for once should have sense on his side,


s: Even _then_ stand aloof--for be sure that Old Nick


s: When a Tory talks sensibly, means you some trick.


s: Such my recipe is--and, in one single verse,


s: I shall now, in conclusion, its substance rehearse,


s: Be all that a Brunswicker _is_ not nor _could_ be,


s: And then--youll be all that an honest man should be.


s: Alas! my dear friend, what a state of affairs!


s: How unjustly we both are despoiled of our rights!


s: Not a pound of black flesh shall I leave to my heirs,


s: Nor must you any more work to death little whites.


s: Both forced to submit to that general controller


s: Of King, Lords and cotton mills, Public Opinion,


s: No more shall _you_ beat with a big billy-roller.


s: Nor _I_ with the cart-whip assert my dominion.


s: Whereas, were we suffered to do as we please


s: With our Blacks and our Whites, as of yore we were let,


s: We might range them alternate, like harpsichord keys,


s: And between us thump out a good piebald duet.


s: But this fun is all over;--farewell to the zest


s: Which Slavery now lends to each teacup we sip;


s: Which makes still the cruellest coffee the best,


s: And that sugar the sweetest which smacks of the whip.


s: Small, living machines which if flogged to their tasks


s: Mix so well with their namesakes, the "Billies" and "Jennies,"


s: That _which_ have got souls in 'em nobody asks;--


s: Little Maids of the Mill, who themselves but ill-fed,


s: Are obliged, 'mong their other benevolent cares,


s: To "keep feeding the scribblers,"--and better, 'tis said,


s: Than old Blackwood or Fraser have ever fed theirs.


s: All this is now o'er and so dismal _my_ loss is,


s: So hard 'tis to part from the smack of the throng,


s: That I mean (from pure love for the old whipping process),


s: To take to whipt syllabub all my life long.


s: _ah quoties dubies Scriptis exarsit amator_.


s: And he stood by the bed of the Benthamite,


s: And he said, in a voice that thrilled the frame,


s: Hath fired thy blood or flusht thy brow,


s: And he found the Scrip of Greece so high,


s: That it fired his blood, it flusht his eye,


s: And oh! 'twas a sight for the Ghost to see,


s: (As we see in a glass that tells the weather


s: The heat and the _silver_ rise together,)


s: And Liberty sung from the patriot's lip,


s: While a voice from his pocket whispered "Scrip!"


s: He smiled, as the pale moon smiles thro' rain,


s: For his soul was glad at that patriot strain;


s: (And poor, dear ghost--how little he knew


s: The jobs and the tricks of the Philhellene crew!)


s: "Blessings and thanks!" was all he said,


s: Then melting away like a night-dream fled!


s: The Benthamite hears--amazed that ghosts


s: Thou triest their passion, when under _par_,


s: And wishes the devil had Crescent and Cross,


s: Ere _he_ had been forced to sell at a loss.


s: They quote him the Stock of various nations,


s: Lord! how he loathes the Greek _quotations_!


s: "Who'll buy my Scrip? Who'll buy my Scrip?"


s: And says, "Oh Greece, for Liberty's sake,


s: "If you'll only consent to buy up _mine_!"


s: The Ghost of Miltiades came once more;--


s: His brow like the night was lowering o'er,


s: And he said, with a look that flasht dismay,


s: "And gamble for gold on Freedom's shrine!"


s: Thus saying, the Ghost, as he took his flight,


s: Which sent him, whimpering, off to Jerry--


s: God preserve us!--there's nothing now safe from assault;--


s: Thrones toppling around, churches brought to the hammer;


s: And accounts have just reached us that one Mr. _Galt_


s: Has declared open war against English and Grammar!


s: He had long been suspected of some such design,


s: And, the better his wicked intents to arrive at,


s: Had lately 'mong Colburn's troops of _the line_


s: (The penny-a-line men) enlisted as private.


s: There schooled, with a rabble of words at command,


s: Scotch, English and slang in promiscuous alliance.


s: He at length against Syntax has taken his stand,


s: And sets all the Nine Parts of Speech at defiance.


s: Next advices, no doubt, further facts will afford:


s: In the mean time the danger most imminent grows,


s: He has taken the Life of one eminent Lord,


s: And whom he'll _next_ murder the Lord only knows.


s: Since our last, matters, luckily, look more serene;


s: Tho' the rebel, 'tis stated, to aid his defection,


s: Has seized a great Powder--no, Puff Magazine,


s: And the explosions are dreadful in every direction.


s: What his meaning exactly is, nobody knows,


s: As he talks (in a strain of intense botheration)


s: And a mixture called amber immortalization.


s: _Now_, he raves of a bard he once happened to meet,


s: Seated high "among rattlings" and churning a sonnet;


s: _Now_, talks of a mystery, wrapt in a sheet,


s: With a halo (by way of a nightcap) upon it!


s: We shudder in tracing these terrible lines;


s: Something bad they must mean, tho' we can't make it out;


s: For whate'er may be guessed of Galt's secret designs,


s: That they're all _Anti_-English no Christian can doubt.


s: "The gelatinous character of their effusions." _Ibid_.


s: "The poetical embalmment or rather amber immortalization."--


s: "He was a mystery in a winding sheet, crowned with a halo."--


s: To far more lordly thoughts would stir 'em.


s: Those good men made the world their debtor,


s: But we, the Church reformed, know better;


s: That England's Church, tho' out of date,


s: All pickled snug--the brains drawn out--


s: And "Touch me not," those words terrific,


s: "They," the Bishops, "know that the primitive Church had no such


s: "_nec tu sperne piis venientia somnia portis:


s: cum pia venerunt somnia, pondus liubent_."


s: Being much too pious, as every one knows,


s: And I'll tell you his dream as well as I can.


s: And just at the time that gravest of Courts


s: _Sunday_ Sports! what a thing for the ear


s: When the people from church were coming away;


s: "Long life to the Bishops, hurrah! hurrah!


s: "For a week of work and a Sunday of play


s: "Make the poor man's life run merry away."


s: "The Bishops!" quoth Andrew, "Popish, I guess,"


s: But the song went on, and, to brim the cup


s: Of poor Andy's grief, the fiddles struck up!


s: "Come, take out the lasses--let's have a dance--


s: "For the Bishops allow us to skip our fill,


s: "Well knowing that no one's the more in advance


s: "On the road to heaven, for standing still.


s: "Oh! it never was meant that grim grimaces


s: "Should sour the cream of a creed of love;


s: "Or that fellows with long, disastrous faces,


s: "When the Church herself each sport points out;--


s: "There's May-games, archery, Whitsun-ale,


s: "Or should we be for a pole hard driven,


s: "With his pockets on earth and his nose in heaven,


s: "Then hurrah for the Bishops, hurrah! hurrah!


s: To Andy, who doesn't much deal in history,


s: This Sunday scene was a downright mystery;


s: And God knows where might have ended the joke,


s: But, in trying to stop the fiddles, he woke,


s: And the odd thing is (as the rumor goes)


s: That since that dream--which, one would suppose,


s: Should have made his godly stomach rise.


s: Even more than ever 'gainst Sunday pies--


s: He has viewed things quite with different eyes;


s: Is beginning to take, on matters divine,


s: Like Charles and his Bishops, the _sporting_ line--


s: As an interlude 'twixt Sunday prayers:--


s: That all good Protestants from this date


s: Air-"_Come live with me and be my love_."


s: And thou shalt walk through smiling rows


s: 'Tis true, even books entail some trouble;


s: While printers' devils correct the other.


s: "How is your book?" than "How's your baby?"


s: (Sheep-skin, or calf, or such wise leather,)


s: With naught but--literature betwixt 'em.


s: See "Ella of Garveloch."--Garveloch being a place where there


s: Puir, profligate Londoners, having heard tell


s: That the De'il's got amang ye, and fearing 'tis true,


s: We ha' sent ye a mon wha's a match for his spell,


s: A chiel o' our ain, that the De'il himsel


s: Will be glad to keep clear of, ane Andrew Agnew.


s: So at least ye may reckon for one day entire


s: In ilka lang week ye'll be tranquil eneugh,


s: As Auld Nick, do him justice, abhors a Scotch squire,


s: An' would sooner gae roast by his ain kitchen fire


s: Than pass a hale Sunday wi' Andrew Agnew.


s: For, bless the gude mon, gin he had his ain way,


s: He'd na let a cat on the Sabbath say "mew;"


s: Nae birdie maun whistle, nae lambie maun play,


s: An Phoebus himsel could na travel that day.


s: As he'd find a new Joshua in Andie Agnew.


s: Only hear, in your Senate, how awfu' he cries,


s: "Wae, wae to a' sinners who boil an' who stew!


s: "Wae, wae to a' eaters o' Sabbath baked pies,


s: "For as surely again shall the crust thereof rise


s: "In judgment against ye," saith Andrew Agnew!


s: Ye may think, from a' this, that our Andie's the lad


s: To ca' o'er the coals your nobeelity too;


s: That their drives, o' a Sunday, wi' flunkies, a' clad


s: Like Shawmen, behind 'em, would mak the mon mad--


s: But he's nae sic a noodle, our Andie Agnew.


s: If Lairds an' fine Ladies, on Sunday, think right


s: To gang to the deevil--as maist o' 'em do--


s: To stop them our Andie would think na polite;


s: And 'tis odds (if the chiel could get onything by't)


s: But he'd follow 'em, booing, would Andrew Agnew.


s: Yes, Winchelsea (I tremble while I pen it),


s: Winehelsea's Earl hath _cut_ the British Senate--


s: Hath said to England's Peers, in accent gruff,


s: "_That_ for ye all"[snapping his fingers] and exit in a huff!


s: Disastrous news!--like that of old which spread,


s: From shore to shore, "our mighty Pan is dead,"


s: O'er the cross benches (cross from _being_ crost)


s: Sounds the loud wail, "Our Winchelsea is lost!"


s: Which of ye, Lords, that heard him can forget


s: The deep impression of that awful threat,


s: "I quit your house!!"--midst all that histories tell,


s: I know but _one_ event that's parallel:--


s: It chanced at Drury Lane, one Easter night,


s: When the gay gods too blest to be polite


s: Gods at their ease, like those of learned Lucretius,


s: Laught, whistled, groaned, uproariously facetious--


s: A well-drest member of the middle gallery,


s: Whose "ears polite" disdained such low canaillerie,


s: Rose in his place--so grand, you'd almost swear


s: Lord Winchelsea himself stood towering there--


s: And like that Lord of dignity and _nous_,


s: Said, "Silence, fellows, or--I'll leave the house!!"


s: How brookt the gods this speech? Ah well-a-day,


s: That speech so fine should be so thrown away!


s: Of his own full-price countenance away--


s: And as the Lords laugh _now_, so giggled _then_ the gods!


s: "We want more Churches and more Clergymen."


s: _"rectorum numerum, terris pereuntibus augent."


s: Who, despising old Crocker's misgivings,


s: Count the rooks that, in clerical dresses,


s: And not minding the farmer's distresses,


s: Then, unless ye the Church would submerge, ye


s: For the wretch who could number the Clergy,


s: Count the bees that on Hybla are playing,


s: Count the flowers that enamel its fields,


s: "If it be the undergraduate season at which this _rabies


s: religiosa_ is to be so fearful, what security has Mr. Goulburn


s: Thro' Granta's halls, at large and foaming,


s: Which marks Dissenters when they're rabid!


s: Might spread and rage thro' kith and kin.


s: Might, tainted by such coarse infection,


s: His once-loved Nine and Thirty Articles;


s: Wishing the ropes might hang the ringers--


s: The Duke of Wellington, who styled them "the Articles of


s: "The longer one lives, the more one learns,"


s: Bemused with thinking of Tithe concerns,


s: And reading a book by the Bishop of FERNS,


s: And accordingly--never drest for dinner.


s: "What means, for men who don't eat meat,


s: "This grand display of loins and chops?"


s: Inshrined in _stalls_ with naught to do;


s: While some on a _bench_, half dozing, sat,


s: Still posed to think what all this scene


s: The expense of this strange masquerade?"--


s: "The expense!--oh! that's of course defrayed


s: (Said one of these well-fed Hecatombers)


s: (And while he spoke his cheeks grew fatter,)


s: "The rogues may munch their _Paddy_ crop,


s: "But the rogues must still support _our_ shop,


s: And my slumber fled and my dream was sped,


s: With my nose in the Bishop of FERNS'S book.


s: An indefatigable scribbler of anti-Catholic pamphlets.


s: A letter having been addressed to a very distinguished personage,


s: Assures on his honor the Brunswick Club,


s: But the truth is, still their Club affords


s: What living creature--_except his nurse_--


s: Or think 'twould matter if Lord Muskerry


s: To save from drowning my Lord Rathdowne,


s: In short, tho' from his tenderest years,


s: As the twenty Peers of the Brunswick Club.


s: For one in his station 'twere _infra dig_.


s: (Till they find some properer Peers for him),


s: To take his place at the Brunswick Club--


s: Which makes him of course the better suit


s: delegit pacisque bonas bellique ministras_."


s: Petticoat patriots, flounced John Russells,


s: Burdetts in _blonde_ and Broughams in _bustles_.


s: 'Twixt Ladies (so they're thorough-bred ones)


s: We'll have, at Almack's, Cabinet dances;


s: Nor let this world's important questions


s: Whether they've _danced_ thro' State affairs,


s: Pert blues shall act as "best debaters,"


s: It _can't_ have better legs to stand on.


s: Shall move (midst general cries of "Oh!")


s: In a work, on Church Reform, published by his Lordship in 1832.


s: For he loathed sweet music with all his soul.


s: That well might shock so learned a snorer--


s: And round were Cherubs on rainbow wings,


s: Who, his Lordship feared, might tire of flitting,


s: So begged they'd sit--but ah! poor things,


s: They'd, none of them, got the means of sitting.


s: "Having heard," said the Saint, "you're fond of hymns,


s: "And indeed that musical snore betrayed you,


s: "'Twas all a mistake--she was misdirected;"


s: Where fiddlers and angels were expected.


s: In vain--the Saint could see in his looks


s: So at once all opened their music-books,


s: And herself and her Cherubs set off at score.


s: So loud they squalled, he _must_ attend to 'em.


s: Were like themselves and had no end to 'em.


s: And was punisht like Henley for his pains.


s: Is the sentence launched from Apollo's throne;


s: The inscription, "Courage!" in letters bright,


s: And ('tis thought of late) mixt up with brass;


s: And thro' all Posterity's hands will pass.


s: One ne'er could, of course, the Cits suspect,


s: If we hadn't that evening chanced to see,


s: Nor even his friends just now without it.


s: He shall have a ride on the whitest hack


s: That's left in old King George's stable.


s: Hath much, it seems, _un_settled theirs;


s: That while his tones were in your ear, you


s: Tho' _one_ such Nick, God knows, must be


s: Territory belonging to the mines of Kolivano-Kosskressense.


s: "Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid." POPE.


s: dignified Clergy were performers. Scaliger says, that the first


s: Bishops were called _praesules_ for other reason than that


s: they led off these dances."--"_Cyclopaedia_," art. _Dances_.


s: I've had such a dream--a frightful dream--


s: Of a party of Churchmen dancing the hay!


s: Clerks, curates and rectors capering all


s: With a neat-legged Bishop to open the ball!


s: When the scene I had fancied before me rose--


s: And I saw--oh brightest of Church events!


s: Was to dear old Dublin pointing his toe.


s: There was Chester, hatched by woman's smile,


s: Performing a _chaine des Dames_ in style;


s: While he who, whene'er the Lords' House dozes,


s: Meantime, while pamphlets stuft his pockets,


s: (All out of date like spent skyrockets,)


s: As high on the floor as he doth on paper--


s: Who pirouettes his whole church-service--


s: That none could guess what the devil he'd be at;


s: Tho', watching his various steps, some thought


s: That a step in the Church was all he sought.


s: There gathered a gloom around their glee--


s: That ere one could say "'Tis there," 'twas past--


s: And, lo! when the scene again was cleared,


s: From the hallowed floor where late they stept,


s: While twelve was all that footed it still,


s: On the Irish side of that grand Quadrille!


s: Nor this the worst:--still danced they on,


s: But the pomp was saddened, the smile was gone;


s: While still as the light broke out anew,


s: Their ranks lookt less by a dozen or two;


s: Just Bishops enough for a four-hands-round;


s: I left the last holy pair _poussetting_!


s: Have the happiest knack at solving dreams,


s: I shall leave to my ancient feminine friends


s: Of the _Standard_ to say what _this_ portends.


s: Where, if the _Co_. called in their shares,


s: And thus he still, new plagiaries seeking,


s: St. Sinclair rose and declared in smooth,


s: That he wouldn't give sixpence to Maynooth.


s: He had hated priests the whole of his life,


s: And, having no wife, the Church was his mother,


s: The Church was his father, sister and brother.


s: This being the case, he was sorry to say


s: That a gulf 'twixt Papist and Protestant lay,


s: So deep and wide, scarce possible was it


s: And tho' your Liberals, nimble as fleas,


s: Could clear such gulfs with perfect ease,


s: 'Twas a jump that naught on earth could make


s: Your proper, heavy-built Christian take.


s: He'd take hands round with all the three;


s: To the Harlot ne'er would he point his toe.


s: St. Mandeville was the next that rose,--


s: And he said that Papists were much inclined


s: Which he couldn't in truth so much condemn,


s: Having rather a wish to extirpate _them_;


s: To extirpate them for their doctrine's sake;


s: Insomuch that when they've prime control,


s: They but cook the body for sake of the soul.


s: And he asked if we grant such toleration,


s: Pray, what's the use of our Reformation?


s: And still as he yelled out "what's the use?"


s: Where they'd for centuries slept, broke loose,


s: "It had always appeared to him that _between the Catholic and


s: T'other night, after hearing Lord Dudley's oration


s: (A treat that comes once a year as May-day does),


s: I dreamt that I saw--what a strange operation!


s: A "moral position" shipt off for Barbadoes.


s: The whole Bench of Bishops stood by in grave attitudes,


s: As their Reverences know that in southerly latitudes


s: "Moral positions" don't keep very sweet.


s: There was Bathurst arranging the custom-house pass;


s: And to guard the frail package from tousing and routing,


s: There stood my Lord Eldon, endorsing it "Glass,"


s: Tho' as to which side should lie uppermost, doubting.


s: The freight was however stowed safe in the hold;


s: The winds were polite and the moon lookt romantic,


s: While off in the good ship "The Truth" we were rolled,


s: With our ethical cargo, across the Atlantic.


s: Long, dolefully long, seemed the voyage we made;


s: For "The Truth," at all times but a very slow sailer,


s: By friends, near as much as by foes, is delayed,


s: And few come aboard her tho' so many hail her.


s: At length, safe arrived, I went thro' "tare and tret,"


s: Delivered my goods in the primest condition.


s: And next morning read in the _Bridge-town Gazette_,


s: "Just arrived by 'The Truth,' a new moral position.


s: "The Captain"--here, startled to find myself named


s: As "the Captain"--(a thing which, I own it with pain,


s: I thro' life have avoided,) I woke--lookt ashamed,


s: Found I _wasn't_ a captain and dozed off again.


s: "Tho' all the pet mischiefs we count upon fail,


s: "Tho' Cholera, hurricanes, Wellington leave us,


s: "We've still in reserve, mighty Comet, thy tail;--


s: "Last hope" of the Tories, wilt thou too deceive us?


s: "No--'tis coming, 'tis coming, the avenger is nigh;


s: "Heed, heed not, ye placemen, how Herapath flatters;


s: "One whisk from that tail as it passes us by


s: "Will settle at once all political matters;--


s: "(Now turned into two) with their rigmarole Protocols;--


s: "Ha! ha! ye gods, how this new friend of ours


s: "Will knock, right and left, all diplomacy's what-d'ye-calls!


s: "Yes, rather than Whigs at our downfall should mock,


s: "Meet planets and suns in one general hustle!


s: "While happy in vengeance we welcome the shock


s: "That shall jerk from their places, Grey, Althorp and Russell."


s: Thus spoke a mad Lord, as, with telescope raised,


s: His wild Tory eye on the heavens he set:


s: And tho' nothing destructive appeared as he gazed,


s: Much hoped that there _would_ before Parliament met.


s: And still, as odd shapes seemed to flit thro' his glass,


s: "Ha! there it is now," the poor maniac cries;


s: While his fancy with forms but too monstrous, alas!


s: From his own Tory zodiac peoples the skies:--


s: "Now I spy a big body, good heavens, how big!


s: "Whether Bucky or Taurus I cannot well say:--


s: "And yonder there's Eldon's old Chancery wig,


s: "In its dusty aphelion fast fading away.


s: "I see, 'mong those fatuous meteors behind,


s: "Londonderry, _in vacuo_, flaring about;--


s: "While that dim double star, of the nebulous kind,


s: "Is the Gemini, Roden and Lorton, no doubt.


s: "Ah, Ellenborough! 'faith, I first thought 'twas the Comet;


s: "So like that in Milton, it made me quite pale;


s: "The head with the same 'horrid hair' coming from it,


s: "And plenty of vapor, but--where is the tail?"


s: Just then, up aloft jumpt the gazer elated--


s: For lo! his bright glass a phenomenon showed,


s: Which he took to be Cumberland, _upwards_ translated,


s: Instead of his natural course, _t'other_ road!


s: But too awful that sight for a spirit so shaken,--


s: Down dropt the poor Tory in fits and  grimaces,


s: Then off to the Bedlam in Charles Street was taken,


s: And is now one of Halford's most favorite cases.


s: You bid me explain, my dear angry Ma'amselle,


s: How I came thus to bolt without saying farewell;


s: And the truth is,--as truth you _will_ have, my sweet railer,--


s: There are two worthy persons I always feel loath


s: To take leave of at starting,--my mistress and tailor,--


s: As somehow one always has _scenes_ with them both;


s: The Snip in ill-humor, the Syren in tears,


s: She calling on Heaven, and he on the attorney,--


s: Till sometimes, in short, 'twixt his duns and his dears,


s: A young gentleman risks being stopt in his journey.


s: But to come to the point, tho' you think, I dare say.


s: That 'tis debt or the Cholera drives me away,


s: 'Pon honor you're wrong;--such a mere bagatelle


s: As a pestilence, nobody now-a-days fears;


s: And the fact is, my love, I'm thus bolting, pell-mell,


s: To get out of the way of these horrid new Peers;


s: This deluge of coronets frightful to think of;


s: Which England is now for her sins on the brink of;


s: This coinage of _nobles_,--coined all of 'em, badly,


s: And sure to bring Counts to a _dis_-count most sadly.


s: Only think! to have Lords over running the nation,


s: As plenty as frogs in a Dutch inundation;


s: No shelter from Barons, from Earls no protection,


s: And tadpole young Lords too in every direction,--


s: Things created in haste just to make a Court list of,


s: Two legs and a coronet all they consist of!


s: The prospect's quite frightful, and what Sir George Rose


s: (My particular friend) says is perfectly true,


s: That, so dire the alternative, nobody knows,


s: 'Twixt the Peers and the Pestilence, what he's to do;


s: And Sir George even doubts,--could he choose his disorder,--


s: 'Twixt coffin and coronet, _which_ he would order.


s: This being the case, why, I thought, my dear Emma,


s: 'Twere best to fight shy of so curst a dilemma;


s: And tho' I confess myself somewhat a villain,


s: To've left _idol mio_ without an _addio_,


s: Console your sweet heart, and a week hence from Milan


s: I'll send you--some news of Bellini's last trio.


s: N.B.  Have just packt up my travelling set-out,


s: Things a tourist in Italy _can't_ go without--


s: Viz., a pair of _gants gras_, from old Houbigant's shop,


s: Good for hands that the air of Mont Cenis might chap.


s: Small presents for ladies,--and nothing so wheedles


s: The creatures abroad as your golden-eyed needles.


s: A neat pocket Horace by which folks are cozened


s: To think one knows Latin, when--one, perhaps, doesn't;


s: With some little book about heathen mythology,


s: Just large enough to refresh one's theology;


s: Nothing on earth being half such a bore as


s: Not knowing the difference 'twixt Virgins and Floras.


s: Once more, love, farewell, best regards to the girls,


s: And mind you beware of damp feet and new Earls.


s: A new creation of Peers was generally expected at this time.


s: College.--We announced, in our last that Lefroy and Shaw were


s: harnessing themselves to the car, and the Masters of Arts bearing


s: Bear witness (lest the world should doubt)


s: In the year 1799, the Board of Trinity College, Dublin, thought


s: And ne'er did the King of the Gulls go by


s: For he knew that a Prophet Voice had said,


s: "As long as those words by man were read,


s: "The ancient race of the Gulls should ne'er


s: And the letters still more legible grew,--


s: More skilled in Scrip than Scripture use;


s: While some surmised 'twas an ancient way


s: Of keeping accounts, (well known in the day


s: And proved in books most learnedly boring,


s: 'Twas called the Pon_tick_ way of scoring.


s: That 'twixt them formed so grim a spell,


s: He hath summoned his Peers and Patriots all,


s: "Stand basely by at the fall of the Free,


s: And they answer with voice of thunder, "No."


s: Out fly their flashing swords in the air!--


s: Hath chilled each eye and checkt each arm?


s: Showeth where dark those letters linger,--


s: His Lords of the Treasury shake their heads;


s: And to all his talk of "brave and free,"


s: They're fairly spell-bound, neck and heels;


s: And so, in the face of the laughing world,


s: Of all the misfortunes as yet brought to pass


s: By this comet-like Bill, with its long tail of speeches,


s: The saddest and worst is the schism which, alas!


s: It has caused between Wetherel's waistcoat and breeches.


s: Some symptoms of this Anti-Union propensity


s: Had oft broken out in that quarter before;


s: But the breach, since the Bill, has attained such immensity,


s: Daniel himself could have scarce wisht it more.


s: Oh! haste to repair it, ye friends of good order,


s: Ye Atwoods and Wynns, ere the moment is past;


s: Who can doubt that we tread upon Anarchy's border,


s: When the ties that should hold men are loosening so fast?


s: _Make_ Wetherel yield to "some sort of Reform"


s: (As we all must, God help us! with very wry faces;)


s: And loud as he likes let him bluster and storm


s: About Corporate Rights, so he'll only wear braces.


s: Should those he now sports have been long in possession,


s: And, like his own borough, the worse for the wear,


s: Advise him at least as a prudent concession


s: To Intellect's progress, to buy a new pair.


s: Oh! who that e'er saw him when vocal he stands,


s: With a look something midway 'twixt Filch's and Lockit's,


s: While still, to inspire him, his deeply-thrust hands


s: Keep jingling the rhino in both breeches-pockets--


s: Who that ever has listened thro' groan and thro' cough,


s: To the speeches inspired by this music of pence,--


s: But must grieve that there's any thing like _falling off_


s: In that great nether source of his wit and his sense?


s: Who that knows how he lookt when, with grace debonair,


s: He began first to court--rather late in the season--


s: Or when, less fastidious, he sat in the chair


s: Of his old friend, the Nottingham Goddess of Reason;


s: That Goddess whose borough-like virtue attracted


s: All mongers in _both_ wares to proffer their love;


s: Whose chair like the stool of the Pythoness acted,


s: As Wetherel's rants ever since go to prove;


s: _Who_ in short would not grieve if a man of his graces


s: Should go on rejecting, unwarned by the past,


s: The "moderate Reform" of a pair of new braces,


s: Till, some day,--he'll all fall to pieces at last.


s: I loathe the Poles, applaud the Russians,--


s: Am _for_ the Squires, _against_ the Poachers.


s: With Ireland's wrongs beprosed or shammed,--


s: And would, to give some chance of quiet,


s: So here's, with three times three hurrahs,


s: Was sitting one day in the shades below,


s: "I've heard much of English bishops," quoth he,


s: "And shall now take a trip to earth to see


s: "How far they agree in their lives and ways


s: "With our good old bishops of ancient days."


s: He had learned--but learned without misgivings--


s: Their love for good living and eke good livings;


s: Not knowing (as ne'er having taken degrees)


s: That good _living_ means claret and fricassees,


s: While its plural means simply--pluralities.


s: "From all I hear," said the innocent man,


s: "They are quite on the good old primitive plan.


s: "For wealth and pomp they little can care,


s: "As they all say _'No'_ to the Episcopal chair;


s: "And their vestal virtue it well denotes


s: "That they all, good men, wear petticoats."


s: Thus saying, post-haste to earth he hurries,


s: And knocks at the Archbishop of Canterbury's.


s: Saying, "What's your business with his Grace?"


s: "His Grace!" quoth Jerome--for posed was he,


s: Not knowing what _sort_ this Grace could be;


s: Whether Grace _preventing_, Grace _particular_,


s: Grace of that breed called _Quinquarticular_--


s: (For dearly the good saint loved his joke)


s: "Well, it isn't, at least, a _saving_ Grace!"


s: "Umph!" said the lackey, a man of few words,


s: "The Archbishop is gone to the House of Lords."


s: "To the House of the Lord, you mean, my son,


s: "For in _my_ time at least there was but one;


s: Unless such many-_fold_ priests as these


s: "Seek, even in their LORD, pluralities!"


s: "No time for gab," quoth the man in lace:


s: Then slamming the door in St. Jerome's face


s: Went to finish his port in the servants' hall,


s: So called from the proceedings of the Synod of Dort.


s: "This much I dare say, that, since _lording_ and loitering hath


s: "Once more," said Jerome, "I'll run up and see


s: How the Church goes on,"--and off set he.


s: Had arrived below with a freight so queer,


s: "My eyes!" said Jerome, "what have we here?"--


s: "They are ghosts of wigs," said Charon, "all,


s: "Of cast off things they'll want no more,


s: "Oft send them down, as gifts, you know,


s: Said the Saint to himself as, pondering, he


s: It was more than Rabelais's pen could draw.


s: But to get for himself, by some new trick,


s: That 'tis thought when askt, at the gate of heaven,


s: "But enough of Bishops I've had to-day,"


s: "Ay, that's the man," says the Saint, "to follow,"


s: "Which way, sir, pray, is the doctor gone?"--


s: "He is now at his living at Hillingdon."--


s: "He's away at his Deanery in Carlisle."--


s: "He's gone to his living in Cumberland."--


s: "You must try St. George's, Hanover Square."


s: From living to living, mockt and tired;--


s: 'Twas Hodgson here, 'twas Hodgson there,


s: With the comical things he on earth had found.


s: What a pleasing contrivance! how aptly devised


s: 'Twixt tar and magnolias to puzzle one's noses!


s: And how the tar-barrels must all be surprised


s: To find themselves seated like "Love among roses!"


s: What a pity we can't, by precautions like these,


s: Clear the air of that other still viler infection;


s: That radical pest, that old whiggish disease,


s: Of which cases, true-blue, are in every direction.


s: Stead of barrels, let's light up an _Auto da Fe_


s: Of a few good combustible Lords of "the Club;"


s: They would fume in a trice, the Whig cholera away,


s: And there's Bucky would burn like a barrel of bub.


s: How Roden would blaze! and what rubbish throw out!


s: A volcano of nonsense in active display;


s: While Vane, as a butt, amidst laughter, would spout


s: The hot nothings he's full of, all night and all day.


s: And then, for a finish, there's Cumberland's Duke,--


s: Good Lord, how his chin-tuft would crackle in air!


s: Unless (as is shrewdly surmised from his look)


s: He's already bespoke for combustion elsewhere.


s: "When they _do_ agree, their unanimity is


s: _Dr. Whig_.--This wild Irish patient _does_ pester me so.


s: That what to do with him, I'm curst if I know.


s: Tie him down--gag him well--he'll be tranquil enough.


s: But unluckily not much, till lately, in _mine_.


s: _Dr. Tory_.--Pooh, nonsense--ask Ude how he feels,


s: When, for Epicure feasts, he prepares his live eels,


s: By flinging them in, 'twixt the bars of the fire,


s: And letting them wriggle on there till they tire.


s: _He_, too, says "'tis painful"--"quite makes his heart bleed"--


s: But "Your eels are a vile, oleaginous breed."--


s: He would fain use them gently, but Cookery says "No,"


s: And--in short--eels were _born_ to be treated just so.


s: 'Tis the same with these Irish,--who're odder fish still,--


s: Your tender Whig heart shrinks from using them ill;


s: I myself in my youth, ere I came to get wise,


s: Used at some operations to blush to the eyes:--


s: But, in fact, my dear brother,--if I may make bold


s: To style you, as Peachum did Lockit, of old,--


s: We, Doctors, _must_ act with the firmness of Ude,


s: And, indifferent like him,--so the fish is _but_ stewed,--


s: _Must_ torture live Pats for the general good.


s: _Dr. Whig_.--But what, if one's patient's so devilish perverse,


s: You're a juvenile performer, but once you begin,


s: You cant think how fast you may train your hand in:


s: And (_smiling_) who knows but old Tory may take to the shelf,


s: With the comforting thought that, in place and in pelf,


s: He's succeeded by one just as--bad as himself?


s: Why, to tell you the truth, I've a small matter here,


s: Which you helped me to make for my patient last year,--


s: And such rest I've enjoyed from his raving since then


s: That I've made up my mind he shall wear it again.


s: Oh, charming!-My dear Doctor Whig, you're a treasure,


s: Next to torturing, _myself_, to help _you_ is a pleasure.


s: Give me leave--I've some practice in these mad machines;


s: There--tighter--the gag in the mouth, by all means.


s: Delightful!--all's snug--not a squeak need you fear,--


s: You may now put your anodynes off till next year.


s: Sweet singer of Romaldkirk, thou who art reckoned,


s: If thus, as a Curate, so lofty your flight,


s: Only think, in a Rectory, how you _would_ write!


s: Once fairly inspired by the "Tithe-crowned Apollo,"


s: (Who beats, I confess it, our lay Phoebus hollow,


s: Having gotten, besides the old _Nine's_ inspiration,


s: The _Tenth_ of all eatable things in creation.)


s: There's nothing in fact that a poet like you,


s: So be-_nined_ and be-_tenthed_, couldn't easily do.


s: Round the lips of the sweet-tongued Athenian they say,


s: While yet but a babe in his cradle he lay,


s: Wild honey-bees swarmed as presage to tell


s: Of the sweet-flowing words that thence afterwards fell.


s: Just so round our Overton's cradle, no doubt,


s: Tenth ducklings and chicks were seen flitting about;


s: Goose embryos, waiting their doomed decimation,


s: Came, shadowing forth his adult destination,


s: And small, sucking tithe-pigs, in musical droves,


s: Announced the Church poet whom Chester approves.


s: O Horace! when thou, in thy vision of yore,


s: Didst dream that a snowy-white plumage came o'er


s: Thy etherealized limbs, stealing downily on,


s: Till, by Fancy's strong spell, thou wert turned to a swan,


s: Little thought'st thou such fate could a poet befall,


s: Little thought'st thou the world would in Overton find


s: A bird, ready-made, somewhat different in kind,


s: But as perfect as Michaelmas' self could produce,


s: By gods yclept _anser_, by mortals a _goose_.


s: Articles--(_Boy begins to count them_) just thirty nine--


s: No occasion to count--you've now only to sign.


s: At Cambridge where folks are less High-church than we,


s: The whole Nine-and-Thirty are lumped into Three.


s: Let's run o'er the items;--there 'a Justification,


s: Not forgetting Salvation and Creed Athanasian,


s: Till we reach, at last, Queen Bess's Ratification.


s: That is sufficient--now, sign--having read quite enough,


s: You "believe in the full and true meaning thereof?"


s: Oh! a mere form of words, to make things smooth and brief,--


s: A commodious and short make-believe of belief,


s: Which our Church has drawn up in a form thus articular


s: To keep out in general all who're particular.


s: But what's the boy doing? what! reading all thro',


s: And my luncheon fast cooling!--this never will do.


s: Here are points which--pray, Doctor, what's "Grace of Congruity?"


s: At present, by signing, you pledge yourself merely.


s: Whate'er it may be, to believe it sincerely,


s: Both in _dining_ and _signing_ we take the same plan,--


s: First, swallow all down, then digest--as we can.


s: _Boy_ (_still reading_).--I've to gulp, I see, St. Athanasius's


s: Which. I'm told, is a very tough morsel indeed;


s: _Doctor P. (aside)_.--Ay, and so would _I_, willingly, too,


s: All confounded particular young boobies, like you.


s: This comes of Reforming!--all's o'er with our land,


s: When people wont stand what they can't _under_-stand;


s: Nor perceive that our ever-revered Thirty-Nine


s: Were made not for men to _believe_ but to _sign_.


s: --_Letter from Mr. S. Powell_, August 6.


s: No, _not_ for yourselves, ye reverend men,


s: Who've an abstract right to that pig, as theirs;


s: No, _not_ for himself hath Birmingham's priest


s: His "well-beloved" of their pennies fleeced:


s: But it is that, before his prescient eyes,


s: With their embryo daughters, nephews, nieces,


s: And 'tis for _them_ the poor he fleeces.


s: Saying, "Take the pig"--"oh take the pence;"


s: The unborn Birminghamites, reach his ears;


s: He would _not_ like a true-born Vicar feel.


s: Who, for sake of the Lundies of coming ages,


s: 'Tis true, in the pockets of _thy_ small-clothes


s: The claimed "obvention"of four-pence goes;


s: Warning them all to their rights to wake,


s: And rather to face the block, the stake,


s: Than give up their darling right _to take_.


s: (So subtle its spirit) a thousand rooms,


s: Thro' a thousand rectors' lives will tell.


s: Remembering still what the Law lays down,


s: "If the parson _in esse_ submits to loss, he


s: "Inflicts the same on the parson _in posse_."


s: I have been, like Puck, I have been, in a trice,


s: But they wanted not in this happy place,


s: Where a light of its own gilds every face;


s: 'Tis the _wish_ to look wise,--not knowing _how_.


s: Self-glory glistens o'er all that's there,


s: The trees, the flowers have a jaunty air;


s: The snow, if it snows, is _couleur de rose_,


s: And the sun looks simpering down on all.


s: There were Lords and Ladies sitting together,


s: In converse sweet, "What charming weather!--


s: "And the Premier says, my youngest brother


s: "(Him in the Guards) shall have another.


s: "Who has lost her all, poor thing, at whist,


s: "We must quarter _her_ on the Pension List."


s: But the sport at which most time they spent,


s: While, hid behind them, lords and squires,


s: Who owned the puppets, pulled the wires;


s: In this Eden of Church and State and Law;


s: As those who had the _best_ of the joke.


s: There were Irish Rectors, such as resort


s: And bumper, "Long may the Church endure,


s: There were Heads of Colleges lying about,


s: But that ("lapt in Elysium" as they are)


s: Even blessed fools must have their share.


s: "I trust we shall part as we met, in peace and charity. My last


s: The account is balanced--the bill drawn out,--


s: The debit and credit all right, no doubt--


s: The Curate, that _least_ well-fed of men,


s: Where bills like these will be checkt, some day,


s: Will back to his shade with interest come;


s: This tot, in his favor, of one pound two.


s: About fifty years since, in the days of our daddies,


s: That plan was commenced which the wise now applaud,


s: Of shipping off Ireland's most turbulent Paddies,


s: As good raw material for _settlers_, abroad.


s: Some West-India island, whose name I forget,


s: Was the region then chosen for this scheme so romantic;


s: And such the success the first colony met,


s: That a second, soon after, set sail o'er the Atlantic.


s: Behold them now safe at the long-lookt-for shore,


s: Sailing in between banks that the Shannon might greet,


s: And thinking of friends whom, but two years before,


s: They had sorrowed to lose, but would soon again meet.


s: And, hark! from the shore a glad welcome there came--


s: "Arrah, Paddy from Cork, is it you, my sweet boy?"


s: While Pat stood astounded, to hear his own name


s: Thus hailed by black devils, who capered for joy!


s: Can it possibly be?--half amazement--half doubt,


s: Pat listens again--rubs his eyes and looks steady;


s: Then heaves a deep sigh, and in horror yells out,


s: "Good Lord! only think,--black and curly already!"


s: Deceived by that well-mimickt brogue in his ears,


s: Pat read his own doom in these wool-headed figures,


s: And thought, what a climate, in less than two years,


s: 'Tis thus,--but alas! by a marvel more true


s: Than is told in this rival of Ovid's best stories,--


s: Your Whigs, when in office a short year or two,


s: By a _lusus naturae_, all turn into Tories.


s: And thus, when I hear them "strong measures" advise,


s: Ere the seats that they sit on have time to get steady,


s: I say, while I listen, with tears in my eyes,


s: Fine figures of speech let your orators follow,


s: Old Cocker has figures that beat them all hollow.


s: Tho' famed for his rules _Aristotle_ may be,


s: In but _half_ of this Sage any merit I see,


s: For, as honest Joe Hume says, the "_tottle_" for me!


s: For instance, while others discuss and debate,


s: It is thus about Bishops _I_ ratiocinate.


s: In England, where, spite of the infidel's laughter,


s: 'Tis certain our souls are lookt _very_ well after,


s: Two Bishops can well (if judiciously sundered)


s: Of parishes manage two thousand two hundred.--


s: Said number of parishes, under said teachers,


s: Containing three millions of Protestant creatures,--


s: So that each of said Bishops full ably controls


s: One million and five hundred thousands of souls.


s: And now comes old Cocker. In Ireland we're told,


s: _Half_ a million includes the whole Protestant fold;


s: If, therefore, for three million souls, 'tis conceded


s: _Two_ proper-sized Bishops are all that is needed,


s: 'Tis plain, for the Irish _half_ million who want 'em,


s: _One-third_ of _one_ Bishop is just the right quantum.


s: And thus, by old Cocker's sublime Rule of Three,


s: The Irish Church question's resolved to a T;


s: Keeping always that excellent maxim in view,


s: That, in saving men's souls, we must save money too.


s: Nay, if--as St. Roden complains is the case--


s: The half million of _soul_ is decreasing apace,


s: The demand, too, for _bishop_ will also fall off,


s: Till the _tithe_ of one, taken in kind be enough.


s: But, as fractions imply that we'd have to dissect,


s: And to cutting up Bishops I strongly object.


s: We've a small, fractious prelate whom well we could spare,


s: Who has just the same decimal worth, to a hair,


s: And, not to leave Ireland too much in the lurch.


s: We'll let her have Exeter, _sole_, as her Church.


s: Which soon will have but scant refectories,


s: It has been suggested,--lest that Church


s: With this gift of never requiring food,--


s: There couldnt be made of wood and leather,


s: (Howe'er the notion may sound chimerical,)


s: Jointed figures, not _lay_, but clerical,


s: Who've shown, by stopping the Church's food,


s: They think it isnt for her spiritual good


s: To be served by parsons of flesh and blood,)


s: They'd better at least have iron joints.


s: In parts, not much by Protestants haunted,


s: A figure to _look at_'s all that's wanted--


s: Which (now that the eating's o'er) comes cheap.


s: P.S.--Should the Lords, by way of a treat,


s: The Church will of course no longer need


s: And these _wood_ creatures of ours will sell


s: Our Beresfords, turned to bludgeons stout,


s: While our smooth O'Sullivans, by all means,


s: Should transmigrate into _turning_ machines.


s: The materials of which those Nuremberg Savans, mentioned by


s: Scriblerus, constructed their artificial man.


s: Choose some title that's dormant--the Peerage hath many--


s: Lord Baron of Shamdos sounds nobly as any.


s: Next, catch a dead cousin of said defunct Peer,


s: And marry him, off hand, in some given year,


s: To the daughter of somebody,--no matter who,--


s: Fig, the grocer himself, if you're hard run, will do;


s: For, the Medici _pills_ still in heraldry tell,


s: And why shouldn't _lollypops_ quarter as well?


s: Thus, having your couple, and one a lord's cousin,


s: Young materials for peers may be had by the dozen;


s: And 'tis hard if, inventing each small mother's son of 'em,


s: You can't somehow manage to prove _yourself_ one of 'em.


s: Should registers, deeds and such matters refractory,


s: Stand in the way of this lord-manufactory,


s: I've merely to hint, as a secret auricular,


s: One _grand_ rule of enterprise,--_don't_ be particular.


s: A man who once takes such a jump at nobility,


s: Must _not_ mince the matter, like folks of nihility,


s: But clear thick and thin with true lordly agility.


s: 'Tis true, to a would-be descendant from Kings,


s: Parish-registers sometimes are troublesome things;


s: As oft, when the vision is near brought about,


s: Some goblin, in shape of a grocer, grins out;


s: Or some barber, perhaps, with my Lord mingles bloods,


s: And one's patent of peerage is left in the suds.


s: But there _are_ ways--when folks are resolved to be lords--


s: Of expurging even troublesome parish records.


s: What think ye of scissors? depend on't no heir


s: Of a Shamdos should go unsupplied with a pair,


s: As whate'er _else_ the learned in such lore may invent,


s: Your scissors does wonders in proving descent.


s: Yes, poets may sing of those terrible shears


s: With which Atropos snips off both bumpkins and peers,


s: But they're naught to that weapon which shines in the hands


s: Of some would-be Patricians, when proudly he stands


s: O'er the careless churchwarden's baptismal array,


s: And sweeps at each cut generations away.


s: By some babe of old times is his peerage resisted?


s: One snip,--and the urchin hath _never_ existed!


s: Does some marriage, in days near the Flood, interfere


s: With his one sublime object of being a Peer?


s: Quick the shears at once nullify bridegroom and bride,--


s: No such people have ever lived, married or died!


s: Such the newest receipt for those high minded elves,


s: Who've a fancy for making great lords of themselves.


s: Follow this, young aspirer who pant'st for a peerage,


s: Take S--m for thy model and B--z for thy steerage,


s: Do all and much worse than old Nicholas Flam does,


s: And--_who_ knows but you'll be Lord Baron of Shamdos?


s: Air.--"A master I have, and I am his man,


s: He's an ogre to meet, and the devil to pass,


s: In being run o'er by a Prince of the Blood.


s: As 'tis now, my dear Tully, some weeks since I started


s: By railroad for earth, having vowed ere we parted


s: To drop you a line by the Dead-Letter post,


s: Just to say how I thrive in my new line of ghost,


s: And how deucedly odd this live world all appears,


s: To a man who's been dead now for three hundred years,


s: I take up my pen, and with news of this earth


s: Hope to waken by turns both your spleen and your mirth.


s: In my way to these shores, taking Italy first,


s: Lest the change from Elysium too sudden should burst,


s: I forgot not to visit those haunts where of yore


s: You took lessons from Paetus in cookery's lore.


s: Turned aside from the calls of the rostrum and Muse,


s: To discuss the rich merits of _rôtis_ and stews,


s: And preferred to all honors of triumph or trophy,


s: A supper on prawns with that rogue, little Sophy.


s: Having dwelt on such classical musings awhile,


s: I set off by a steam-boat for this happy isle,


s: (A conveyance _you_ ne'er, I think, sailed by, my Tully,


s: And therefore, _per_ next, I'll describe it more fully,)


s: Having heard on the way what distresses me greatly,


s: That England's o'errun by _idolaters_ lately,


s: Stark, staring adorers of wood and of stone,


s: Who will let neither stick, stock or statue alone.


s: Such the sad news I heard from a tall man in black,


s: Who from sports continental was hurrying back,


s: To look after his tithes;--seeing, doubtless, 'twould follow,


s: That just as of old your great idol, Apollo,


s: Devoured all the Tenths, so the idols in question,


s: These wood and stone gods, may have equal digestion,


s: And the idolatrous crew whom this Rector despises,


s: May eat up the tithe-pig which _he_ idolizes.


s: 'Tis all but too true--grim Idolatry reigns


s: In full pomp over England's lost cities and plains!


s: On arriving just now, as my first thought and care


s: Was as usual to seek out some near House of Prayer,


s: Some calm holy spot, fit for Christians to pray on,


s: I was shown to--what think you?--a downright Pantheon!


s: A grand, pillared temple with niches and halls,


s: Full of idols and gods, which they nickname St. Paul's;--


s: Tho' 'tis clearly the place where the idolatrous crew


s: Whom the Rector complained of, their dark rites pursue;


s: And, 'mong all the "strange gods" Abr'ham's father carved out,


s: That he ever carv'd _stranger_ than these I much doubt.


s: Were it even, my dear TULLY, your Hebes and Graces,


s: And such pretty things, that usurpt the Saints' places,


s: I shouldnt much mind,--for in this classic dome


s: Such folks from Olympus would feel quite at home.


s: But the gods they've got here!--such a queer omnium gatherum


s: Of misbegot things that no poet would father 'em;--


s: Britannias in light summer-wear for the skies,--


s: Old Thames turned to stone, to his no small surprise,--


s: Father Nile, too,--a portrait, (in spite of what's said,


s: That no mortal e'er yet got a glimpse of his _head_,)


s: And a Ganges which India would think somewhat fat for't,


s: Unless 'twas some full-grown Director had sat for't;--


s: Not to mention the _et caeteras_ of Genii and Sphinxes,


s: Fame, Victory, and other such semi-clad minxes;--


s: Sea Captains,--the idols here most idolized;


s: And of whom some, alas! might too well be comprized


s: Among ready-made Saints, as they died _cannonized_;


s: With a multitude more of odd cockneyfied deities,


s: Shrined in such pomp that quite shocking to see it 'tis;


s: Nor know I what better the Rector could do


s: Than to shrine there his own beloved quadruped too;


s: As most surely a tithe-pig, whate'er the world thinks, is


s: A much fitter beast for a church than a Sphinx is.


s: But I'm called off to dinner--grace just has been said,


s: And my host waits for nobody, living or dead.


s: _at Paris et Fratres, et qui rapure sub illis.


s: vix tenuere manus (scis hoc, Menelae) nefandas_.


s: Go, Brothers in wisdom--go, bright pair of Peers,


s: And my Cupid and Fame fan you both with their pinions!


s: The _one_, the best lover we have--_of his years_,


s: And the other Prime Statesman of Britain's dominions.


s: Go, Hero of Chancery, blest with the smile


s: Of the Misses that love and the monarchs that prize thee;


s: And all tailors but him who so well _dandifies_ thee.


s: Never mind how thy juniors in gallantry scoff,


s: Never heed how perverse affidavits may thwart thee,


s: But show the young Misses thou'rt scholar enough


s: To translate "_Amor Fortis_" a love, _about forty_!


s: And sure 'tis no wonder, when, fresh as young Mars,


s: From the battle you came, with the Orders you'd earned in't,


s: That sweet Lady Fanny should cry out "_My stars_!"


s: And forget that the _Moon_, too, was some way concerned in't.


s: For not the great Regent himself has endured


s: (Tho' I've seen him with badges and orders all shine,


s: Till he lookt like a house that was _over_ insured)


s: A much heavier burden of glories than thine.


s: And 'tis plain, when a wealthy young lady so mad is,


s: As to marry old Dandies that might be their daddies,


s: The _stars_ are in fault, my Lord Stewart, not they!


s: Thou, too, t'other brother, thou Tully of Tories,


s: Such a smooth rigmarole about; "monarchs," and "glories,"


s: And "_nullidge_," and "features," like syllabub slips.


s: Go, haste, at the Congress pursue thy vocation


s: Of adding fresh sums to this National Debt of ours,


s: Leaguing with Kings, who for mere recreation


s: Break promises, fast as your Lordship breaks metaphors.


s: Fare ye well, fare ye well, bright Pair of Peers,


s: And may Cupid and Fame fan you both with their pinions!


s: The one, the best lover we have--_of his years_,


s: And the other, Prime Statesman of Britain's dominions.


s: And Canning's too, and _lucid_ Bragge's,


s: To mind their papers, desks, and shelves,


s: First, Pitt, the chosen of England, taught her


s: When these, in turn, were put to flight, too,


s: In short, what _will_ not mortal man do?


s: And now, that--strife and bloodshed past--


s: We've done on earth what harm we can do,


s: And think its favoring smile to purchase


s: (Oh Lord, good Lord!) by--building churches!


s: "And now," quoth the goddess, in accents jocose,


s: "Having got good materials, I'll brew such a dose


s: "Of Double X mischief as, mortals shall say,


s: "They've not known its equal for many a long day."


s: Here she winkt to her subaltern imps to be steady,


s: And all wagged their fire-tipt tails and stood ready.


s: "So, now for the ingredients:--first, hand me that bishop;"


s: Whereupon, a whole bevy of imps run to fish up


s: From out a large reservoir wherein they pen 'em


s: The blackest of all its black dabblers in venom;


s: And wrapping him up (lest the virus should ooze,


s: And one "drop of the immortal" Right Rev. they might lose)


s: In the sheets of his own speeches, charges, reviews,


s: Pop him into the caldron, while loudly a burst


s: From the by-standers welcomes ingredient the first!


s: "Now fetch the Ex-Chancellor," muttered the dame--


s: "He who's called after Harry the Older, by name."


s: "The Ex-Chancellor!" echoed her imps, the whole crew of 'em--


s: "Why talk of _one_ Ex, when your Mischief has _two_ of 'em?"


s: "True, true," said the hag, looking arch at her elves,


s: "And a double-_Ex_ dose they compose, in themselves."


s: This joke, the sly meaning of which was seen lucidly,


s: Set all the devils a laughing most deucedly.


s: So, in went the pair, and (what none thought surprising)


s: Showed talents for sinking as great as for rising;


s: While not a grim phiz in that realm but was lighted


s: With joy to see spirits so twin-like united--


s: Or (plainly to speak) two such birds of a feather,


s: In one mess of venom thus spitted together.


s: Here a flashy imp rose--some connection, no doubt,


s: Of the young lord in question--and, scowling about,


s: "Hoped his fiery friend, Stanley, would not be left out;


s: "As no schoolboy unwhipt, the whole world must agree,


s: "Loved mischief, _pure_ mischief, more dearly than he."


s: But, no--the wise hag wouldnt hear of the whipster;


s: Not merely because, as a shrew, he eclipst her,


s: And nature had given him, to keep him still young,


s: Much tongue in his head and no head in his tongue;


s: But because she well knew that, for change ever ready,


s: He'd not even to mischief keep properly steady:


s: That soon even the _wrong_ side would cease to delight,


s: And, for want of a change, he must swerve to the _right_;


s: While, on _each_, so at random his missiles he threw,


s: That the side he attackt was most safe, of the two.--


s: This ingredient was therefore put by on the shelf,


s: There to bubble, a bitter, hot mess, by itself.


s: "And now," quoth the hag, as her caldron she eyed.


s: And the tidbits so friendlily rankling inside,


s: "There wants but some seasoning;--so, come, ere I stew 'em,


s: "By way of a relish we'll throw in John Tuam.'


s: "In cooking up mischief, there's no flesh or fish


s: "Like your meddling High Priest, to add zest to the dish."


s: Thus saying, she pops in the Irish Grand Lama--


s: Which great event ends the First Act of the Drama.


s: When, standing as if the gods to invoke, he


s: Tho' strange these things, to mind and sense,


s: If you wish still stranger things to see--


s: And that wave of the hand no soul resists,


s: With the friendly beckon towards Downing Street,


s: To taste of the Treasury loaves and fishes.


s: And is placeman, statesman, all, at once!


s: These effects, observe (with which I begin),


s: Take place when the patient's motioned _in_;


s: Far different of course the mode of affection,


s: When the wave of the hand's in the _out_ direction;


s: The effects being then extremely unpleasant,


s: As is seen in the case of Lord Brougham, at present;


s: That, in short--not to mince his situation--


s: It has workt in the man a transformation


s: That "pass" performed on this Lord of Law--


s: As it sent Harry Brougham to the right about--


s: The condition in which the patient has been


s: Like a case that lately, in reading o'er 'em,


s: Of a man in whose inside, when disclosed,


s: The whole order of things was found transposed;


s: The liver placed where the heart should be,


s: And the _spleen_ (like Brougham's, since laid on the shelf)


s: As diseased and as much _out of place_ as himself.


s: If e'er there was one, in this thinking nation;


s: That those _savans_ who mean, as the rumor goes,


s: And inform us, in _both_ these patients' states,


s: The name of the heroine of the performances at the North London


s: Let History boast of her Romans and Spartans,


s: And tell how they stood against tyranny's shock;


s: They were all, I confess, in _my_ eye, Betty Martins


s: Compared to George Grote and his wonderful Box.


s: Ask, where Liberty now has her seat?--Oh, it isn't


s: By Delaware's banks or on Switzerland's rocks;--


s: Like an imp in some conjuror's bottle imprisoned,


s: She's slyly shut up in Grote's wonderful Box.


s: How snug!--'stead of floating thro' ether's dominions,


s: Blown _this_ way and _that_, by the "_populi vox_,"


s: To fold thus in silence her sinecure pinions,


s: And go fast asleep in Grote's wonderful Box.


s: Time was, when free speech was the life-breath of freedom--


s: So thought once the Seldens, the Hampdens, the Lockes;


s: But mute be _our_ troops, when to ambush we lead 'em,


s: "For Mum" is the word with us Knights of the Box.


s: Pure, exquisite Box! no corruption can soil it;


s: There's Otto of Rose in each breath it unlocks;


s: While Grote is the "Betty," that serves at the toilet,


s: And breathes all Arabia around from his Box.


s: 'Tis a singular fact, that the famed Hugo Grotius


s: (A namesake of Grote's--being both of Dutch stocks),


s: Like Grote, too, a genius profound as precocious,


s: Was also, like him, much renowned for a Box;--


s: An immortal old clothes-box, in which the great Grotius


s: When suffering in prison for views heterodox,


s: Was packt up incog. spite of jailers ferocious,


s: And sent to his wife, carriage free, in a Box!


s: But the fame of old Hugo now rests on the shelf,


s: Since a rival hath risen that all parallel mocks;--


s: _That_ Grotius ingloriously saved but himself,


s: While _ours_ saves the whole British realm by a Box!


s: And oh! when, at last, even this greatest of Grotes


s: Must bend to the Power that at every door knocks,


s: May he drop in the urn like his own "silent votes,"


s: And the tomb of his rest be a large Ballot-Box.


s: While long at his shrine, both from county and city,


s: Shall pilgrims triennially gather in flocks,


s: And sing, while they whimper, the appropriate ditty,


s: "Oh breathe not his _name_, let it sleep--in the Box."


s: For the particulars of this escape of Grotius from the Castle of


s: When erst, my Southey, thy tuneful tongue


s: (Fit place for deep ones, such as they,)


s: How little thou knewest, dear Dr. Southey,


s: That, some years thence, thy wondering eyes


s: And should find this new, improved Destroyer


s: And his life, to make the thing completer,


s: Now _love_ his theme, now _Church_ his glory


s: Now in soft _couplet_ style philandering;


s: When scourged by Holland's silken thong.


s: In short, dear Bob, Destroyer the Second


s: May fairly a match for the First be reckoned;


s: (Who no great conjurors are, God knows,)


s: Seven millions of Paddies, face to face;


s: Which erst thy conjurors left on the shelf,


s: Transforms the boys of the Boyne and Liffey


s: Born but for whips and chains, the whole of 'em?


s: While t'other juggler--who'd have thought?


s: Tho' slippery long, has just been caught


s: But small's the chance that Law affords--


s: And, 'twixt the old Bailey and the Lords,


s: The date of this squib must have been, I think, about 1828-9.


s: With Stanley to help us, we cant but fall;


s: Like the late Charles Matthews' croak in my ear,


s: "That boy--that boy'll be the death of you all."


s: He will, God help us!--not even Scriblerius


s: In the "Art of Sinking" his match could be;


s: And our case is growing exceeding serious,


s: As such "Masters Shallow," well could go;


s: And where we shall all both low and high,


s: But that boy, that boy!--there's a tale I know,


s: Which in talking of him comes à_propos_.


s: And Sir Thomas said one day to his wife,


s: "For you prayed for a boy, and you now have a boy,


s: "Who'll continue a boy to the end of his life."


s: With the ever-young statesman we have got;


s: Wasn't more a youth than he'd been before,


s: While _ours_ such power of boyhood shows,


s: That the older he gets the more juvenile he grows,


s: His schoolboy course, heaven only knows;--


s: Some century hence, should he reach so far,


s: And ourselves to witness it heaven condemn,


s: We shall find him a sort of _cub_ Old Parr,


s: Nay, even should he make still longer stay of it,


s: The boy'll want _judgment_, even to the day of it!


s: Meanwhile, 'tis a serious, sad infliction;


s: The late Mr. Matthews' solemn prediction,


s: "That boy'll be the death, the death of you all."


s: Arrah, where were _you_, Murthagh, that beautiful day?--


s: Or how came it your riverence was laid on the shelf,


s: When that poor craythur, Bobby--as _you_ were away--


s: Had to make _twice_ as big a Tomfool of _himself_.


s: Troth, it wasnt at all civil to lave in the lurch


s: A boy so deserving your tindhr'est affection:--


s: Too such iligant Siamase twins of the Church,


s: As Bob and yourself, ne'er should cut the connection.


s: If thus in two different directions you pull,


s: 'Faith, they'll swear that yourself and your riverend brother


s: Are like those quare foxes, in Gregory's Bull,


s: Whose tails were joined _one_ way, while they lookt


s: That helpt soft Magee to that Bull of a Letther!


s: Not even my own self, tho' I sometimes make free


s: At such bull-manufacture, could make him a betther.


s: To be sure, when a lad takes to _forgin_', this way,


s: 'Tis a thrick he's much timpted to carry on gayly;


s: That parsons should forge thus appears mighty odd,


s: And (as if somethin' "odd" in their _names_, too, must be,)


s: _One_ forger, of ould, was a riverend Dod,


s: "While a riverend Todd's now his match, to a T.


s: But, no matther _who_ did it all blessin's betide him,


s: For dishin' up Bob, in a manner so nate;


s: And there wanted but _you_, Murthagh 'vourneen, beside him,


s: To make the whole grand dish of _bull_-calf complate.


s: "An ingenious device of my learned friend."--Bob's _Letter to


s: Of all the odd plans of this monstrously queer age,


s: The oddest is that of reforming the peerage;--


s: Just as if we, great dons, with a title and star,


s: Did not get on exceedingly well as we are,


s: And perform all the functions of noodles by birth


s: As completely as any born noodles on earth.


s: How _acres_ descend, is in law-books displayed,


s: But we as _wise_acres descend, ready made;


s: And by right of our rank in Debrett's nomenclature,


s: Are all of us born legislators by nature;--


s: Like ducklings to water instinctively taking,


s: So we with like quackery take to lawmaking;


s: And God forbid any reform should come o'er us,


s: To make us more wise than our sires were before us.


s: If your sire was a cook, you must be a cook too:


s: Thus making, from father to son, a good trade of it,


s: Poisoners _by right_ (so no more could be said of it),


s: The cooks like our lordships a pretty mess made of it;


s: Without a wry face bolted all the prescriptions.


s: It is true, we've among us some peers of the past,


s: Who keep pace with the present most awfully fast--


s: Fruits that ripen beneath the new light now arising


s: With speed that to _us_, old conserves, is surprising.


s: Conserves, in whom--potted, for grandmamma uses--


s: 'Twould puzzle a sunbeam to find any juices.


s: 'Tis true too. I fear, midst the general movement,


s: Even _our_ House, God help it, is doomed to improvement,


s: And all its live furniture, nobly descended


s: But sadly worn out, must be sent to be mended.


s: With _movables_ 'mong us, like Brougham and like Durham,


s: No wonder even _fixtures_ should learn to bestir 'em;


s: And distant, ye gods, be that terrible day,


s: When--as playful Old Nick, for his pastime, they say,


s: Flies off with old houses, sometimes, in a storm--


s: So _ours_ may be whipt off, some night, by Reform;


s: And as up, like Loretto's famed house, thro' the air,


s: Not angels, but devils, our lordships shall bear,


s: Grim, radical phizzes, unused to the sky,


s: Shall flit round, like cherubs, to wish us "good-by,"


s: While perched up on clouds little imps of plebeians,


s: Small Grotes and O'Connells, shall sing Io Paeans.


s: Set a beggar on horseback, wise men say,


s: "Stop, stop," said Truth, but vain her cry--


s: You may talk of the jumps of Homer's gods,


s: I'd back for a _bounce_, 'gainst any odds,


s: A file of the _Times_ lay right in the path


s: Fall much more dead, in the dirt and mire,


s: And, thinking the while of Stanhope, say


s: "For lack of sense we'll draw our swords--


s: "So here's your health, my brave huzzar,


s: Snored out (as if some _Clerk_ had given


s: Talk no more of your Cheltenham and Harrowgate springs,


s: 'Tis from _Lethe_ we now our potations must draw;


s: Yon _Lethe_'s a cure for--all possible things,


s: And the doctors have named it the Wellington Spa.


s: Other physical waters but cure you in part;


s: _One_ cobbles your gout--_t'other_ mends your digestion--


s: Some settle your stomach, but _this_--bless your heart!--


s: It will settle for ever your Catholic Question.


s: Unlike too the potions in fashion at present,


s: This Wellington nostrum, restoring by stealth,


s: So purges the memory of all that's unpleasant,


s: That patients _forget_ themselves into rude health.


s: For instance, the inventor--his having once said


s: "He should think himself mad if at _any one's_ call,


s: "He became what he is"--is so purged from his head


s: That he now doesnt think he's a madman at all.


s: Of course, for your memories of very long standing--


s: Old chronic diseases that date back undaunted


s: To Brian Boroo and Fitz-Stephens' first landing--


s: A devil of a dose of the _Lethe_ is wanted.


s: But even Irish patients can hardly regret


s: An oblivion so much in their own native style,


s: So conveniently planned that, whate'er they forget,


s: They may go on remembering it still all the while!


s: Half Whig, half Tory, like those mid-way things,


s: 'Twixt bird and beast, that by mistake have wings;


s: A mongrel Stateman, 'twixt two factions nurst,


s: Who, of the faults of each, combines the worst--


s: The Tory's loftiness, the Whigling's sneer,


s: The leveller's rashness, and the bigot's fear:


s: The thirst for meddling, restless still to show


s: How Freedom's clock, repaired by Whigs, will go;


s: The alarm when others, more sincere than they,


s: Advance the hands to the true time of day.


s: By Mother Church, high-fed and haughty dame,


s: The boy was dandled, in his dawn of fame;


s: Listening, she smiled, and blest the flippant tongue


s: On which the fate of unborn tithe-pigs hung.


s: Ah! who shall paint the grandam's grim dismay,


s: When shockt she heard him ape the rabble's tone,


s: And in Old Sarum's fate foredoom her own!


s: Groaning she cried, while tears rolled down her cheeks,


s: "Poor, glib-tongued youth, he means not what he speaks.


s: "Like oil at top, these Whig professions flow,


s: "But, pure as lymph, runs Toryism below.


s: "Alas! that tongue should start thus, in the race,


s: "Ere mind can reach and regulate its pace!--


s: "For, once outstript by tongue, poor, lagging mind,


s: "At every step, still further limps behind.


s: "But, bless the boy!--whate'er his wandering be,


s: "Still turns his heart to Toryism and me.


s: "Like those odd shapes, portrayed in Dante's lay.


s: "With heads fixt on, the wrong and backward way,


s: "His feet and eyes pursue a diverse track,


s: "While _those_ march onward, _these_ look fondly back."


s: And well she knew him--well foresaw the day,


s: Which now hath come, when snatched from Whigs away


s: The self-same changeling drops the mask he wore,


s: And rests, restored, in granny's arms once more.


s: But whither now, mixt brood of modern light


s: And ancient darkness, canst thou bend thy flight?


s: Tried by both factions and to neither true,


s: Feared by the _old_ school, laught at by the _new_;


s: For _this_ too feeble and for _that_ too rash,


s: _This_ wanting more of fire, _that_ less of flash,


s: Lone shalt thou stand, in isolation cold,


s: Betwixt two worlds, the new one and the old,


s: A small and "vext Bermoothes," which the eye


s: Of venturous seaman sees--and passes by.


s: "Avaunt, ye frights!" his Lordship cried,


s: "Ah, Lyndhurst dear!" the frights replied,


s: Bold Lyndhurst then, whom naught could keep


s: Cried "Curse you all"--fell fast asleep--


s: While, shockt, the bodies flew downstairs,


s: But--who shall describe my look of despair,


s: When I came to Lefroy's "destructive" capers!


s: That _he_--that, of all live men, Lefroy


s: Should join in the cry "Destroy, destroy!"


s: Who, even when a babe, as I've heard said,


s: Only think--to sweep from the light of day


s: Nor leave them even the accustomed tolls,


s: To keep together their bodies and souls!--


s: At a time too when snug posts and places


s: To add to the ruin that round us reigns,


s: By knocking out mayors' and town-clerks' brains;


s: By dooming all corporate bodies to fall,


s: Till they leave at last no bodies at all--


s: Where pensive criers, like owls unblest,


s: Robbed of their roosts, shall still hoot o'er them:


s: Nor _mayors_ shall know where to seek a _nest_,


s: Till Gaily Knight shall _find_ one for them;--


s: Till mayors and kings, with none to rue 'em,


s: And the _sovereigns_ of Belfast and Tuam


s: Must join their brother, Charles Dix, at Prague.


s: I found myself borne to sleep's dominions,


s: A new House of Commons appeared to rise,


s: Whose living contents, to fancy's survey,


s: _Here_, Inglis, turned to a sansculotte,


s: Was dancing the hays with Hume and Grote;


s: While Stanley and Graham, as _poissarde_ wenches,


s: Screamed "_à-bas_!" from the Tory benches;


s: The Lord preserve us!--if dreams come true,


s: On that fossil reliquium called Petrified Wig,


s: Of those wigs made for antediluvian wear,


s: Which, it seems, stood the Flood without turning a hair--


s: Mr. Tomkins rose up, and requested attention


s: To facts no less wondrous which he had to mention.


s: Some large fossil creatures had lately been found,


s: Of a species no longer now seen above ground,


s: But the same (as to Tomkins most clearly appears)


s: With those animals, lost now for hundreds of years,


s: Which our ancestors used to call "Bishops" and "Peers,"


s: But which Tomkins more erudite names has bestowed on,


s: Having called the Peer fossil the _Aris_-tocratodon,


s: And, finding much food under t'other one's thorax,


s: Has christened that creature the Episcopus Vorax.


s: Lest the _savantes_ and dandies should think this all fable,


s: Mr. Tomkins most kindly produced, on the table,


s: A sample of each of these species of creatures,


s: Both tolerably human, in structure and features,


s: Except that the Episcopus seems, Lord deliver us!


s: To've been carnivorous as well as granivorous;


s: And Tomkins, on searching its stomach, found there


s: Large lumps, such as no modern stomach could bear,


s: Of a substance called Tithe, upon which, as 'tis said,


s: The whole _Genus Clericum_ formerly fed;


s: And which having lately himself decompounded,


s: Just to see what 'twas made of, he actually found it


s: Composed of all possible cookable things


s: That e'er tript upon trotters or soared upon wings--


s: All products of earth, both gramineous, herbaceous,


s: Hordeaceous, fabaceous and eke farinaceous,


s: All clubbing their quotas, to glut the oesophagus


s: Of this ever greedy and grasping Tithophagus.


s: "Admire," exclaimed Tomkins. "the kind dispensation


s: "By Providence shed on this much-favored nation,


s: "In sweeping so ravenous a race from the earth,


s: "That might else have occasioned a general dearth--


s: "And thus burying 'em, deep as even Joe Hume would sink 'em,


s: "And other queer _ci-devant_ things, under ground--


s: "Not forgetting that fossilized youth, so renowned,


s: "Who lived just to witness the Deluge--was gratified


s: "Much by the sight, and has since been found _stratified_!"


s: This picturesque touch--quite in Tomkins's way--


s: Called forth from the _savantes_ a general hurrah;


s: While inquiries among them, went rapidly round,


s: As to where this young stratified man could be found.


s: The "learned Theban's" discourse next as livelily flowed on,


s: To sketch t'other wonder, the _Aris_tocratodon--


s: An animal, differing from most human creatures


s: Not so much in speech, inward structure or features,


s: As in having a certain excrescence, T. said,


s: Which in form of a coronet grew from its head,


s: And devolved to its heirs, when the creature was dead;


s: Nor mattered it, while this heirloom was transmitted,


s: How unfit were the _heads_, so the _coronet_ fitted.


s: He then mentioned a strange zoölogical fact,


s: Whose announcement appeared much applause to attract.


s: In France, said the learned professor, this race


s: Had so noxious become, in some centuries' space,


s: When, lo! certain knowing ones--_savans_, mayhap,


s: Who, like Buckland's deep followers, understood _trap_,


s: Slyly hinted that naught upon earth was so good


s: For _Aris_tocratodons, when rampant and rude,


s: As to stop or curtail their allowance of food.


s: This expedient was tried and a proof it affords


s: Of the effect that short commons will have upon lords;


s: For this whole race of bipeds, one fine summer's morn,


s: Shed their coronets, just as a deer sheds his horn,


s: And the moment these gewgaws fell off, they became


s: Quite a new sort of creature--so harmless and tame,


s: That zoölogists might, for the first time, maintain 'em