s: Compose both prose and verse, the sad and merry--


s: For when the editor, whose pains compile


s: Vaunteth his articles, not women's, men's,


s: What means he but thy Patent Pens, my Perry?


s: So finely tempered--fit for tenderest Miss


s: Or kings to sign the warrant stern of death--


s: But their supremest merit still is this,


s: (No dramatist should ever be without 'em)--


s: There is so little of the goose about 'em,


s: Ah! who can paint that first great awful night,


s: When the poor dramatist, all fume and fret,


s: Fuss, fidget, fancy, fever, funking, fright,


s: Ferment, fault-fearing, faintness--more f's yet:


s: Flushed, frigid, flurried, flinching, fitful, flat,


s: Add famished, fuddled, and fatigued, to that,


s: Funeral, fate-foreboding--sits in doubt,


s: Or rather doubt with hope, a wretched marriage


s: To see his play upon the stage come out;


s: No stage to him! it is Thalia's carriage,


s: And he is sitting on the spikes behind it,


s: Striving to look as if he didn't mind it!


s: His nervousness, meanwhile his fate is dealt


s: He kneads, molds, pummels it, and sits it flat,


s: Squeezes and twists it up, until the felt,


s: Miss Mitford had mis-givings, and in fright,


s: Gnawed up one long kid glove, and all her bag,


s: Knowles has confessed he trembled as for life,


s: Poole told me that he felt a monstrous pail


s: Of water backing him, all down his spine--


s: "The ice-brook's temper"--pleasant to the chine!


s: For fear that Simpson and his Co. should fail.


s: Did Lord Glengall not frame a mental prayer,


s: Wishing devoutly he was Lord knows where?


s: Nay, did not Jerrold, in enormous drouth,


s: While doubtful of Nell Gwynne's eventful luck,


s: Than Nelly had to hawk from north to south?


s: Yea, Buckstone, changing color like a mullet,


s: Refused, on an occasion, once, twice, thrice,


s: Lest it should hiss in his own red-hot gullet.


s: Doth punning Peake not sit upon the points


s: Of his own jokes, and shake in all his joints,


s: And does not Pocock, feeling, like a peacock,


s: All eyes upon him, turn to very meacock?


s: And does not Planche, tremulous and blank,


s: Meanwhile his personages tread the boards,


s: And called upon himself to "walk the plank?"


s: As for the Dances, Charles and George to boot,


s: Of ease and rest, for sole of either foot,


s: Than bear that capers on a hotted floor!


s: Thus pending--does not Matthews, at sad shift


s: For voice, croak like a frog in waters fenny?--


s: Serle seem upon the surly seas adrift?--


s: And Kenny think he's going to Kilkenny?--


s: Haynes Bayly feel Old ditto, with the note


s: Big as a fine Dutch codling in his throat?


s: Did Rodwell, on his chimney-piece, desire


s: Quake at the Pantomime he loves to cater,


s: And ere its changes ring transform himself?


s: Myself, once guilty of one small rash act,


s: A hissing at some dull imperfect dunce--


s: My head was swimming, while my arms were flying!


s: My legs for running--all the rest was frying!


s: Thrice welcome, then, for this peculiar use,


s: For this shall dramatists, when they make merry,


s: Perry, whose fame, pennated, is let loose


s: For Patent Perryans approached by no man!


s: And when, ah me! far distant be the hour!


s: Pluto shall call thee to his gloomy bower,


s: Many shall be thy pensive mourners, many!


s: While time all meaner effigies shall bury,


s: Shall stand the Parian, Perryan, periwigged Perry,


s: Perched on the proudest peak of Penman Mawr!


s: A famed tragedian--one of tuneful tongue--


s: Appeared for that night only--'t was Charles Young.


s: The Child of hapless Cora, on there went


s: A smiling, fair-hair'd girl. She scarcely flung


s: A shadow, as she walk'd the lamps among--


s: So light she seem'd, and so intelligent!


s: That child would Rolla bear to Cora's lap:


s: Snatching the creature by her tiny gown,


s: He plants her on his shoulder,--All, all clap!


s: While all with praise the Infant Wonder crown,


s: She lisps in Rolla's ear,--"LOOK OUT, OLD CHAP,


s: SIDDONS.  I leave, and unreluctant, the repast;


s: Maiden! hast thou a thimble in thy gear?


s: Of needles', not of woman's eyes, I spake.


s: MAID.  O dear me! missus, what a sad mistake!


s: SIDDONS.  Now canst thou tell me what was that which led


s: MAID.  He never told me: I can't say, not I,


s: If I was fond of 'em I might have had 'em.


s: SIDDENS.  Avoid! avaunt! beshrew me! 'tis in vain


s: That Shakspeare's language germinates again.


s: In vain they spread the glitt'ring store,


s: I have watch'd thee with rapture, and dwelt on thy charms,


s: As link'd in Love's fetters we wander'd each day;


s: And each night I have sought a new life in thy arms,


s: And sigh'd that our union could last not for aye.


s: But thy life now depends on a frail silken thread,


s: Which I even by kindness may cruelly sever,


s: And I look to the moment of parting with dread,


s: For I feel that in parting I lose thee forever.


s: Sole being that cherish'd my poor troubled heart!


s: Thou know'st all its secrets--each joy and each grief;


s: And in sharing them all thou did'st ever impart


s: To its sorrows a gentle and soothing relief.


s: The last of a long and affectionate race,


s: As thy days are declining I love thee the more,


s: For I feel that thy loss I can never replace--


s: That thy death will but leave me to weep and deplore.


s: Unchanged, thou shalt live in the mem'ry of years,


s: I can not--I will not--forget what thou wert!


s: While the thoughts of thy love as they call forth my tears,


s: In fancy will wash thee once more--MY LAST SHIRT.


s: There is a madness of the heart, not head--


s: There is a throe when other pangs are dead,


s: That shakes the system to its utmost core.


s: There is a tear more scalding than the brine


s: That streams from out the fountain of the eye,


s: And like the lava leaves a scorched line,


s: With all the attendants that upon it wait


s: And make the victim now despair, now rave?


s: It is when hunger, clam'ring for relief,


s: Hears a shrill voice exclaim, "That graceless sinner,


s: The cook, has been, and gone, and burnt the beef,


s: And spilt the tart--in short, she's dish'd the dinner!"


s: He wore a brace of pistols the night when first we met,


s: His deep-lined brow was frowning beneath his wig of jet,


s: His footsteps had the moodiness, his voice the hollow tone,


s: Of a bandit-chief, who feels remorse, and tears his hair alone--


s: I saw him but at half-price, yet methinks I see him now,


s: In the tableau of the last act, with the blood upon his brow.


s: A private bandit's belt and boots, when next we met, he wore


s: His salary, he told me, was lower than before;


s: And standing at the O. P. wing he strove, and not in vain,


s: To borrow half a sovereign, which he never paid.


s: I saw it but a moment--and I wish I saw it now--


s: As he buttoned up his pocket with a condescending bow.


s: And once again we met; but no bandit chief was there;


s: His rouge was off, and gone that head of once luxuriant hair


s: He lodges in a two-pair back, and at the public near,


s: He can not liquidate his "chalk," or wipe away his beer.


s: I saw him sad and seedy, yet methinks I see him now,


s: Though largely developed's my organ of order,


s: And though I possess my destructiveness small,


s: On suicide, dearest, you'll force me to border,


s: If thus you are deaf to my vehement call


s: On a head that for want of it once was quite flat;


s: If thus with my passion I find you contending,


s: My organs will swell till they've knocked off my hat


s: I know, of perceptions, I've none of the clearest;


s: For while I believe that by thee I'm beloved,


s: I'm told at my passion thou secretly sneerest;


s: But oh! may the truth unto me never be proved!


s: I'll fly to Deville, and a cast of my forehead


s: I'll send unto thee;--then upon thee I'll call.


s: Rejection--alas! to the lover how horrid--


s: When 'tis passion that SPURS-HIM, 'tis bitter as GALL.


s: That doth exist between two simple bodies:


s: Endow'd with human sense, that, brought together,


s: Or common coal, or naphtha--would to heaven


s: That I were Phosphorus, and thou wert Lime!


s: So that thou might be Soda. In that case


s: We should be Glauber's Salt. Wert thou Magnesia


s: Instead we'd form that's named from Epsom.


s: Our happy union should that compound form,


s: And thus our several natures sweetly blent,


s: We'd live and love together, until death


s: Should decompose the fleshly TERTIUM QUID,


s: And mine is Johnson. Wherefore should not we


s: We will. The day, the happy day, is nigh,


s: When Johnson shall with beauteous Briggs combine.


s: Soon for my breakfast--sad reflection!--


s: His eye was stern and wild,--his cheek was pale and cold as clay;


s: He mused awhile--but not in doubt--no trace of doubt was there;


s: It was the steady solemn pause of resolute despair.


s: A sickness crept upon my heart, and dizzy swam my head,--


s: I could not stir--I could not cry--I felt benumb'd and dead;


s: I closed my eyes in utter fear, and strove to think no more.


s: Again I looked,--a fearful change across his face had pass'd--


s: He seem'd to rave,--on cheek and lip a flaky foam was cast;


s: And ere I could arrest his hand, he had begun to SHAVE!


s: There's naught so sure as something nice


s: When Youth and Bliss and Hope were mine;


s: A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take;


s: But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache.


s: Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,


s: And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant jam.


s: I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore


s: That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,


s: Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,


s: In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.


s: It may be so--I can not tell--I yet may do without;


s: They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.


s: I long to eat that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie;


s: I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.


s: I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;


s: Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch.


s: Susan, oh! Susan, ring the bell, and call for mother, dear,


s: My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!


s: Come nurse my feeble fancy in your arms,


s: Though I, and thee, and fancy town-pent lay,


s: Come, call around, a world of country charms.


s: Let all this room, these walls dissolve away,


s: And bring me Surrey's fields to take their place:


s: This floor be grass, and draughts as breezes play;


s: Yon curtains trees, to wave in summer's face;


s: My bed, a bank, on which to muse and dream.


s: The spell is wrought: imagination swells


s: My sleeping-room to hills, and woods, and dells!


s: I walk abroad, for naught my footsteps hinder,


s: And fling my arms. Oh! mi! I've broke the WINDER!


s: And for the heart that thou hast caught,


s: Brings back, as clear, as clear as can be,


s: Be still, my heart; throb less, my brain;


s: When Fulham's bowers their sweetest flowers


s: Let HOW'LL and JAMES tempt wealthier dames,


s: "When ladies blush 'neath lusters' flush,


s: When summer's close brings Chiswick shows--


s: It dirts both him that gives, and him that takes.


s: Low blacklegs more than servants of the Crown.


s: Those swindlers show the force of venal power,


s: Whereby 'tis managed that a bad horse wins:


s: But bribery is below their knavish "lay."


s: And other boroughs most like Gatton show


s: When bribery smothers conscience. Therefore, you,


s: Whose conscience takes the fee, consider this--


s: That in the cause of just reform, you all


s: Should lose your franchise: we do dislike bribery;


s: And that dislike doth cause us to object to


s: Still, when I call'd, 't was almost vain--


s: Downward has been his path through life.


s: Short route--which many thought a dream--


s: Your gunsmiths of their skill may crack,


s: But CHUBBS' and BRAMAH'S HOBBS has pick'd,


s: Come strike me the harp with its soul-stirring twang,


s: The drum shall reply with its hollowest bang;


s: Up, up in the air with the light tamborine,


s: And let the dull ophecleide's groan intervene;


s: For such is our life, lads, a chaos of sounds,


s: Through which the gay traveler actively bounds.


s: With the voice of the public the statesman must chime,


s: And change the key-note, boys, exactly in time;


s: The lawyer will coolly his client survey,


s: As an instrument merely whereon he can play.


s: Then harp, drum, and cymbals together shall clang,


s: With a loud-tooral lira, right tooral, bang, bang!


s: MR. MEADOWS . . . . A Country Gentleman.


s: PRIGWELL  . . . . . With a heavy heart and light fingers.


s: BROWN . . . . . . . Friends of each other.


s: JONES . . . . . . . Friends of each other.


s: BLIND VOCALIST  . . Who will attempt the song of "Hey


s: The Scene represents Ludgate Hill in the middle of the day;


s: Passengers, Omnibuses, etc., etc., passing to and fro.


s: MEADOWS. I stand at last on Ludgate's famous hill;


s: I've traversed Farringdon's frequented vale,


s: I've quitted Holborn's heights--the slopes of Snow,


s: Where Skinner's sinuous street, with tortuous track,


s: Trepans the traveler toward the field of Smith;


s: That field, whose scents burst on the offended nose


s: With foulest flavor, while the thrice shocked ear,


s: Thrice shocked with bellowing blasphemy and blows,


s: Is stunned, in physical and moral sense.


s: But this is Ludgate Hill--here commerce thrives;


s: Here, merchants carry trade to such a height


s: That competition, bursting builders' bonds,


s: Starts from the shop, and rushing through the roof,


s: Unites the basement with the floors above;


s: Till, like a giant, that outgrows his strength,


s: The whole concern, struck with abrupt collapse,


s: In one "tremendous failure" totters down!--


s: 'Tis food on which philosophy may fatten.


s: PRIGWELL. I've made a sorry day of it thus far;


s: I've fathomed fifty pockets, all in vain;


s: And nothing found--some business must be done.


s: By Jove--I'd rather turn Lascar at once:


s: To track its inky course along my cheek,


s: And stain my British brow with Indian brown.


s: Or, failing that, I'd rather drape myself


s: In cheap white cotton, or gay colored chintz--


s: Hang roung my ear the massive curtain-ring--


s: With strings of bold, effective glassy beads


s: Circle my neck--and play the Brahmin Priest,


s: And melt the silver in the stranger's purse.


s: But ah! (SEEING MEADOWS) the land of promise looms before me


s: The bulging skirts of that provincial coat


s: Tell tales of well-filled pocket-books within.


s: I scarce can say; I'm but a stranger here,


s: MEADOWS (STILL MUSING). This is indeed a great Metropolis.


s: 'Tis quite an age since you and I have met.


s: JONES.                       I'm extremely glad.


s: JONES.                   Thank you, very well;


s: BROWN.                   Quite well, I thank you.


s: JONES. Oh!--by the way--have you seen THOMSON lately?


s: BROWN. Not very lately. (After a pause, and as if struck


s: with a happy idea). But I met with SMITH--


s: JONES.           Oh! did you though, indeed?


s: Brown.           Why, he seemed pretty well


s: if they were going to speak to each other.


s: SMITH.            You were going to speak?


s: JONES. Oh! nothing. I was only going to say--


s: SMITH.            Oh! and so was I. Good-day.


s: when Smith turns round. Jones turning round at the same


s: time they both return and look at each other.


s: JONES. I thought you wished to speak, by looking back.


s: (A slight Variation on LONGFELLOW'S "EXCELSIOR.")


s: Midst scraps of slang, in unknown tongue,


s: He turn'd his head, and murmur'd "Slow,"


s: "Stay," said his Aunt, "come home to sup,


s: A faint voice stutter'd out "All right."


s: While friends speak gravely as they say--


s: SCENE.--A Barber's Shop. Barber's men engaged in cutting hair,


s: making wigs, and other barberesque operations.


s: OILY. And yet November's early days were fine.


s: OILY. I hoped fair weather might have lasted us


s: OILY. I know not, sir, who cut your hair last time;


s: OILY. Indeed! I should have fancied otherwise.


s: JONES. 'Twas cut in town--and in this very room.


s: OILY. Amazement!--but I now remember well.


s: JONES (looking at him). No--'twas yourself.


s: OILY. Myself! Impossible!  You must mistake.


s: JONES. I don't mistake--'twas you that cut my hair.


s: OILY. Our Vegetable Extract moistens it.


s: OILY. But hair, when gray, will rapidly fall off,


s: OILY. Perhaps you mean to say you'd like a wig.--


s: We've wigs so natural they can't be told


s: OILY. We've brushes, soaps, and scent, of every kind.


s: JONES. I see you have. (Pays 6d.) I think you'll find that


s: OILY. If there is nothing I can show you, sir,


s: JONES. No: nothing. Yet--there may be something, too,


s: OILY (to his man).  That's a rum customer at any rate.


s: But if kind friends will all our pains requite,


s: We'll hope for better luck another night.


s: Seedy Cab-driver, whither art thou going?


s: Sad is thy fate--reduced to law and order,


s: Local self-government yielding to the gripe of


s: Victim of FITZROY! little think the M.P.s,


s: Lording it o'er cab, 'bus, lodging-house, and grave-yard,


s: Of the good times when every Anglo Saxon's


s: Say, hapless sufferer, was it Mr. CHADWICK--


s: Was it the growth of Continental notions,


s: Prompted this blow at Laissez-faire, that free and


s: Have you not read Mr. TOULMIN SMITH'S great work on


s: Meanwhile I should be glad at once to hear your


s: View on the subject? jiggered if I've got one;


s: Which I suppose it's a crusher standin' sentry


s: Whereby if we gives e'er a word o' cheek to


s: Parties as rides, they pulls us up like winkin'--


s: And them there blessed beaks is down upon us


s: As for Mr. TOULMIN SMITH, can't say I knows him--


s: But as you talks so werry like a gem'man,


s: Perhaps you're goin in 'ansome style to stand a


s: I give a shilling? I will see thee hanged first--


s: Sixpence a mile--or drive me straight to Bow-street--


s: Where sconnered yowies wheepen yestreen.


s: Of Steak--of Steak--of prime Rump Steak--


s: Who'd cook a Stake--who'd cook a Steak--


s: Have patience! You mustn't put on your Steak.


s: And when 'tis brown'd by the genial glow,


s: Both sides with brown being cover'd o'er,


s: For a moment you broil your Steak no more,


s: As a nice Rump Steak in the cooking spiled.


s: I've lived in pleasure mixed with grief,


s: With plenty of cash, and power to range,


s: 'Mid fritters and lollipops though we may roam,


s: On the whole, there is nothing like Beignet de Pomme.


s: Of flour a pound, with a glass of milk share,


s: And a half pound of butter the mixture will bear.


s: Of Beignets there's none like the Beignet de Pomme!


s: A Beignet de Pomme, you will work at in vain,


s: If you stir not the mixture again and again;


s: Some beer, just to thin it, may into it fall;


s: Stir up that, with three whites of eggs, added to all.


s: Six apples, when peeled, you must carefully slice,


s: And cut out the cores--if you 'll take my advice;


s: Then dip them in batter, and fry till they foam,


s: And you'll have in six minutes your Beignet de Pomme.


s: "A nice Devil'd Biscuit," said JENKINS enchanted,


s: "I'll have after dinner--the thought is divine!"


s: The biscuit was bought, and he now only wanted--


s: To fully enjoy it--a glass of good wine.


s: He flew to the pepper, and sat down before it,


s: And at peppering the well-butter'd biscuit he went;


s: And down to be grill'd to the kitchen 'twas sent.


s: "Oh! how," said the Cook, "can I this think of grilling,


s: When common the pepper? the whole will be flat.


s: But here's the Cayenne; if my master is willing,


s: I'll make, if he pleases, a devil with that."


s: So the Footman ran up with the Cook's observation


s: To JENKINS, who gave him a terrible look:


s: "Oh, go to the devil!" forgetting his station,


s: Was the answer that JENKINS sent down to the Cook.


s: A basin of Barley Broth make, make for me;


s: No matter the broth, so of barley it be,


s: For, oh I when three pounds of good mutton you buy,


s: In a stewpan uncover'd, at first, let it lie;


s: What a teacup will hold--you should first have been told--


s: The pearl-barley choose--'tis the nicest that's sold--


s: Of carrots and turnips, small onions, green peas


s: (If the price of the last don't distress one),


s: Mix plenty; and boil altogether with these


s: There's your basin of Broth, if you'd dress one.


s: If you wish to make a pudding in which every one delights,


s: Of a dozen new-laid eggs you must take the yolks and whites;


s: Beat them well up in a basin till they thoroughly combine,


s: And shred and chop some suet particularly fine;


s: Stir them all well up together with a pound of wheaten flour,


s: And let them stand and settle for a quarter of an hour;


s: Then tie the pudding in a cloth, and put it in the pot,--


s: Some people like the water cold, and some prefer it hot;


s: Oh! if I were Queen of France, or, still better, Pope of Rome,


s: I'd have a Christmas pudding every day I dined at home;


s: And as for other puddings whatever they might be,


s: Why those who like the nasty things should eat them all for me.


s: Mind that they send you the fish that you order:


s: One that's sufficiently deep in the border.


s: Place in the bowl with due neatness and order:


s: All round the bowl, just by way of a border.


s: Take from the cellar of salt a proportion:


s: Take from the castors both pepper and oil,


s: With vinegar, too--but a moderate portion--


s: You blend them exactly in apple-pie order;


s: All but the eggs, which are used as a border.


s: A teaspoon of parsley that's chopp'd in small pieces:


s: Though, though, the point will bear reasoning,


s: A small taste of onion the flavor increases.


s: Still to proceed would on lunacy border.


s: AIR--"Had I a Heart for Falsehood Framed."


s: Oh! a splendid Soup is the true Pea Green


s: And in that liquor (before 'tis spoil'd)


s: I rub through a sieve the peas so green.


s: Though the trouble the indolent may shock,


s: But the Green Pea triumphs over them all,


s: There's not in the wide world so tempting a sweet


s: Oh! the latest sweet tooth from my head must depart


s: Ere the taste of that Trifle shall not win my heart.


s: Yet it is not the sugar that's thrown in between,


s: Nor the peel of the lemon so candied and green;


s: 'Tis not the rich cream that's whipp'd up by a mill:


s: Oh, no! it is something more exquisite still.


s: 'Tis that nice macaroons in the dish I have laid,


s: Of which a delicious foundation is made;


s: And you'll find how the last will in flavor improve,


s: When soak'd with the wine that you pour in above.


s: Sweet PLATEAU of Trifle! how great is my zest


s: For thee, when spread o'er with the jam I love best,


s: When the cream white of eggs--to be over thee thrown,


s: With a whisk kept on purpose--is mingled in one!


s: And our dish shall be, our dish shall be,


s: Come dine with me; yes, dine with me, etc.


s: Strain through sieve your Barley Water--


s: Its delicacy quite surprises.      Oh! my tender pullet dear!


s: The Peas, like fragrant breath of Spring,


s: A table-spoon of flour bring,  A quart of water bring,


s: Then take your Duck, nor let the strings


s: Three pounds of veal my darling girl prepares,


s: And chops it nicely into little squares;


s: Five onions next prepares the little minx


s: (The biggest are the best her Samiwel thinks).


s: And stews them in a pan until they're brown'd.


s: What's next my dexterous little girl will do?


s: With curry powder, table-spoonfulls three,


s: And milk a pint (the richest that may be);


s: And, when the dish has stewed for half-an-hour,


s: A lemon's ready juice she'll o'er it pour:


s: Then, bless her! then she gives the luscious pot


s: A very gentle boil--and serves quite hot.


s: Lobsters, or prawns, or any kind of fish


s: Are fit to make A CURRY. 'Tis, when done,


s: For half an hour they there were stay'd,


s: "Yea!" went the throats; stamp went the heels


s: "Good lack!" quoth JOHN, "yet try it on."


s: Says GILPIN, "Sing, Long live the QUEEN,


s: The Station clock proclaims the close of day;


s: The hard-worked clerks drop gladly off to tea;


s: The last train starts upon its dangerous way,


s: And leaves the place to darkness and to me.


s: Now fades the panting engine's red tail-light,


s: And all the platform solemn stillness holds,


s: Save where the watchmen, pacing for the night,


s: By smothered coughs announce their several colds.


s: The cooked account-books of the Railway sleep.


s: The Debts to credit side so neatly borne,


s: What should be losses, profits proved instead;


s: No more shall turn the fond Shareholder's head.


s: Oft did the doubtful to their balance yield,


s: How jocund were they that to them appealed!


s: How many votes of thanks did they provoke!


s: Let not Derision mock KING HUDSON'S toil,


s: Who made things pleasant greenhorns to allure;


s: Nor prudery give hard names unto the spoil


s: 'Twas glad to share--while it could share secure.


s: All know the way that he his fortune made,


s: How he bought votes and consciences did hire;


s: How hands that Gold and Silver-sticks have swayed


s: To grasp his dirty palm would oft aspire,


s: Till these accounts at last their doctored page,


s: Thanks to mischance and panic, did unroll,


s: And wiped George Hudson out of fashion's scroll.


s: The feasts at Albert Gate was glad to share,


s: For tricks he blushed not at, or blushed unseen,


s: Now cuts the Iron King with vacant stare.


s: For those who, mindful of their money fled,


s: Rejoice in retribution, sure though late--


s: Ask PUNCH to point the moral of his fate,


s: "Oft have I seen him, in his fortune's dawn,


s: Peer's ermine might be seen and Bishop's lawn.


s: "There the great man vouchsafed in turn to each


s: Advice, what scrip or shares 'twas best to buy,


s: There his own arts his favorites he would teach,


s: And put them up to good things on the sly.


s: "Till to the House by his admirers borne,


s: Warmed with Champagne in flustered speech he strove,


s: And on through commerce, colonies, and corn,


s: Like engine, without break or driver, drove.


s: "Till when he ceased to dip in fortune's till,


s: Out came one cooked account--of our M. P.;


s: Another came--yet men scarce ventured, still,


s: To think their idol such a rogue could be.


s: Proved how his victims he had fleeced and shorn


s: Approach and read (if thou canst read) my lay,


s: Writ on him more in sadness than in scorn."


s: Here lies, the gilt rubbed off his sordid earth,


s: A man whom Fortune made to Fashion known;


s: Though void alike of breeding, parts, or birth,


s: God Mammon early marked him for his own.


s: Large was his fortune, but he bought it dear;


s: He plundered no one knows how much a-year,


s: No further seek his frailties to disclose:


s: For many of his sins should share the load:


s: While he kept rising, who asked how he rose?


s: While we could reap, what cared we how he sowed?


s: It is talked of Now! Was talked of Yesterday!


s: It was full moon's full moonlight! The Shilling


s: Yes! Gigantic NOAH'S Ark of twenty times her tonnage,


s: Lay crouch'd, and purring, and velvety, and fanged


s: Snakes (ah, CUPID!) knit and interknit--to true love knots


s: The bushy Squirrel with his half-cracked Nut,


s: The Lion's Cage was hot with heat of blood:


s: And Peace in Curtain Ring linked two Ring Doves!


s: And still the moon looked wondrous like a Shilling,


s: My heart fluttered as tho' winged from Mercury!


s: Oh, the balm of Paradise that came and went!


s: The silver gleams of Eden shooting down the trembling strings


s: I dashed aside the human tear; and--yes--prepared myself


s: With will, drunk from the eyes of Hope, to gaze upon the Snake!


s: A Boa was there! A Boa, 'neath Crystal Roof!


s: And rabbits, taking the very moonlight in their paws,


s: Washed their meek faces. Washed, then hopped!


s: "And so (I couldn't help it) so," I groaned--"the ancient Snake--


s: Death shred of living thing that cropped the flower;


s: And, thoughtless, bleated forth its little baa-a!"


s: Away! I will not tarry! Let the Boa sleep,


s: And Rabbits, that have given bills to destiny,


s: Meet his demand at three and six months' date!


s: The Moon still glistens, and again I think


s: Prom peacock orient, scarce could tell a cock


s: Though be ye sure, a guinea from a guinea-pig


s: Here, too, paused the wise, sagacious man,


s: He sees the tusk of elephant--the two tusks--


s: And, with a thought, cuts 'em into cubes--


s: And with another thought--another--and another-


s: Tells (to himself) how oft, in twenty years


s: Those spotted squares shall come up sixes!


s: Did she think of TIPPOO SAIB'S Tiger's Head?


s: (With her gracious habits of condescension)


s: And now I am here; and whether I will or no,


s: The Chameleons are asleep, and, like the Cabinet


s: The baby elephant seems prematurely old:


s: Its infant hide all corrugate with thoughts


s: Ha! ha! here sits the Ape--the many-colored wight!


s: Thou hast marked him, with nose of scarlet sealing-wax,


s: As though he had come from sky to earth--


s: Sliding and wiping a fresh-painted rainbow!


s: And at the Snake-House once again I stand!


s: Keepers are up, and crowd about the box--


s: The Boa's box--with unconcerned rabbits!


s: In the Boa's inside place! The Monster mark!


s: How he writhes and wrestles with the wool, as though


s: That lift his eyes from out their sockets!--Of fleecy phlegm


s: That will neither in or out, but mid-way


s: From whom instinctively and breathlessly,


s: Say nothing; until a Keeper comes to me, and,


s: Hooking his fore-finger in his forehead's lock,


s: If Snakes will rush upon their end, why not?"


s: "My friend," said I, "The Blanket and the Boa--


s: You will conceive me--are a type, yes, just a type,


s: My friend, let the wool of that one blanket


s: And the Boa would bolt the animal entire,


s: And flourish on his meal, transmuting flesh and bones,


s: And turning them to healthful nutriment!


s: That gentle warmth that waits upon us, when WE KNOW


s: The BOA AND THE B----, like new-found star,


s: Tell me, how have I sung it? With what note?


s: published at the home of the great Exhibition of 1851.]


s: Oh, Muse! ungracious to thy sterner sister, THEMIS,


s: Far from my brief--Brief with a fee upon it,


s: And probably--before my business is concluded--


s: To-morrow let my junior cram me in Court.


s: Pick up the pieces! Let me wipe my eyes!


s: I'm on the Dilly, and the Dilly  Is on the road again


s: "With them thou goest to be doctored, too,


s: Of ISHMAEL'S sons, his swart progenitors--


s: Behold! ten live LORDS! and lo *! no end


s: And hob and nob with all the mighty of the earth,


s: The partial power that to the female race


s: Is charged to apportion gifts of form and grace,


s: With liberal hand molds beauty's curves in one,


s: But woman still for nature proves a match,


s: And grace by her denied, from art will snatch.


s: Hence, great ELIZA, grew thy farthingales;


s: Hence, later ANNA, swelled thy hoops' wide pales;


s: Nor less the bustle of more modern days.


s: Into good figures roundeth off the bad--


s: Whether of simple sawdust thou art seen,


s: Or tak'st the guise of costlier crinoline--


s: How oft to thee the female form doth owe


s: Than flesh and blood thought fit to clothe it with below!


s: Who had a friend--JAMES TAYLOR was his name.


s: He dealt in glass, and drove a thriving trade


s: And still saved up the profits that he made,


s: Till when a daughter blessed his marriage bed,


s: In his child's name a small sum to invest,


s: Years went and came; JAMES TAYLOR came and went,


s: Paid in, and drew, his modest three per cent,


s: Till, by the time his child reach'd girlhood's bounds,


s: The sum had ris'n to two-and-twenty pounds.


s: Our cautious legislature--well 'tis known--


s: Round savings-banks a guardian fence has thrown:


s: And, short of cash, unto the bank applied;


s: Failing some form of law, he was denied!


s: JAMES TAYLOR humm'd and haw'd--look'd blank and blue;--


s: In short, JAMES TAYLOR knew not what to do:


s: His creditor was stern--the bill was over due.


s: As to a friend he did his plight deplore--


s: The worthy dame of whom I spoke before--


s: (It might cause pain to give the name she owns,


s: "TAYLOR," said MRS. JONES, "as I'm a friend,


s: "This savings-bank deposit-book!" he cries.


s: "See--in my daughter's name the sum that lies!"


s: She saw--and, satisfied, the money lent;


s: Wherewith JAMES TAYLOR went away content.


s: But now what cares seize MRS. JONES'S breast!


s: What terrors throng her once unbroken rest!


s: Cash she could keep, in many a secret nook--


s: But where to stow away JAMES TAYLOR'S book?


s: Money is heavy: where 'tis put 't will stay;


s: Will make wings to itself, and fly away!


s: Long she devised: new plans the old ones chase,


s: Was't VENUS that the strange concealment planned,


s: Within whose vasty depths the book might safely hide!


s: 'Twas thought--'twas done! by help of ready pin,


s: The sawdust was let out, the book put in.


s: Henceforth--at home--abroad--where'er she moved,


s: Behind her lurk'd the volume that she loved.


s: She laughed to scorn the cut-purse and his sleight:


s: No fear of burglars scared her through the night;


s: But ah, what shrine is safe from greed of gold,


s: Can stoutest buckram's triple fold keep in,


s: The ODOR LUCRI--the strong scent of TIN?


s: For which CHUBB's locks are weak, and MILNER's safes are thin.


s: Some time elapsed--the time required by law,


s: Which past, JAMES TAYLOR might the money draw,


s: So to the savings-bank they took their way.


s: There MRS. JONES with modesty withdrew--


s: To do what no rude eye might see her do--


s: And soon returning--with a blushing look,


s: Unmarked by TAYLOR, she produced the book.


s: Which he, presenting, did the sum demand


s: What can there be upon the red-lined page


s: That TOMKINS's quick eye should so engage?


s: To "Walk in for a moment"--"he would see"--


s: "Only a moment"--"'twas all right, no doubt,"


s: "It could not be"--"and yet"--here he slipped out,


s: Leaving JAMES TAYLOR grievously perplexed,


s: "What means the man by treating people so?"


s: Too soon, alas, the secret cause they knew!


s: TOMKINS return'd, and, with him, one in blue--


s: Who told JAMES TAYLOR he must "come along"--


s: Revealed the book was forged--from first to last!


s: Who can describe the wrath of MRS. JONES?


s: The chill of fear that crept through TAYLOR'S bones?


s: The van--the hand-cuffs--and the prison cell


s: Where pined JAMES TAYLOR--wherefore pause to tell?


s: Soon came the Assizes--and the legal train;


s: In form the clerk JAMES TAYLOR did arraign;


s: And though his council mustered tears at will,


s: And made black white with true Old Bailey skill,


s: TAYLOR, though MRS. JONES for mercy sued,


s: Was doomed to five years' penal servitude;


s: And in a yellow suit turned up with gray,


s: Time passed: forgot JAMES TAYLOR and his shame--


s: When lo--one day unto the bank there came


s: And a new book, which TOMKINS genuine owns!


s: "Two TAYLORS and two JONESES and two books"--


s: Thought wary TOMKINS, "this suspicious looks--


s: "The former TAYLOR, former JONES I knew--


s: These are imposters-yet the book is true!"


s: When like a flash upon his mind it burst--


s: Who brought the second book had forged the first!


s: Again was summon'd X, the stern, the strong--


s: Again that pair were bid to "Come along!"


s: And wrong'd JAMES TAYLOR'S character was clear'd.


s: In evil hour--by what chance ne'er was known,


s: Whether the bustle's seam had come unsewn,


s: The artificial charms that decked her side--


s: But so it was, how or whene'er assailed--


s: The treacherous hiding-place was tried--and failed!


s: The book was ta'en--a forged one fill'd its place;-


s: And MRS. JONES was robb'd--not to her face--


s: And poor JAMES TAYLOE doom'd to trial and disgrace!


s: Who shall describe her anguish--her remorse?


s: James Taylor was at once released, of course;


s: Henceforth to carry, what she'd keep, before.


s: My tale is told--and, what is more, 'tis true:


s: Though reticules may drop, and purses fall,


s: Though thieves may unprotected females hustle,


s: A fatal hind'rance now is stuck:'Tis not that I am loath to kiss,


s: EDWIN. "Maiden, why that look of sadness?


s: What hath stilled thy bounding gladness,


s: Childhood's hours thou paus'st to mourn?


s: ANGELINA. "Can't you see, you clumsy creature,


s: Our lips that coarse expressions stain."


s: "May they be blest!" his Friend replied.


s: From the mountains, moors, and fenlands,


s: From his friend, great PUNCH, who loves him.


s: "Then give,--oh, first, best antidote,--


s: The sun is in the sky, mother, the flowers are springing fair,


s: And the melody of woodland birds is stirring in the air;


s: The river, smiling to the sky, glides onward to the sea,


s: And happiness is everywhere, oh, mother, but with me!


s: They are going to the church, mother--I hear the marriage bell


s: It booms along the upland--oh! it haunts me like a knell;


s: He leads her on his arm, mother, he cheers her faltering step,


s: And closely to his side she clings--she does, the demirep!


s: He will pass beside the stream, mother, where first my hand he


s: But he will not think of me, mother, his broken-hearted Jane!


s: He said I kept him off and on, in hopes of higher game--


s: And it may be that I did, mother; but who hasn't done the same?


s: I did not know my heart, mother--I know it now too late;


s: I thought that I without a pang could wed some nobler mate;


s: But no nobler suitor sought me--and he has taken wing,


s: And my heart is gone, and I am left a lone and blighted thing.


s: You may lay me in my bed, mother--my head is throbbing sore;


s: And, mother, prithee, let the sheets be duly aired before;


s: And, if you'd please, my mother dear, your poor desponding child,


s: Fill me once more the foaming pewter up!


s: To-night Lucullus with himself shall sup.


s: These mute inglorious Miltons are divine;


s: And as I here in slippered ease recline,


s: I sigh not for the lymph of Aganippe's rill.


s: Caught from Old England's fine time-hallowed drink,


s: And as the foaming fluids shrink and shrink,


s: Fill me once more, I say, up to the brink!


s: This makes strong hearts--strong heads attest its charm--


s: This nerves the might that sleeps in Britain's brawny arm!


s: But these remarks are neither here nor there.


s: Where was I? Oh, I see--old Southey's dead!


s: They'll want some bard to fill the vacant chair,


s: And drain the annual butt--and oh, what head


s: Than this, which, curled in many a fragrant coil,


s: Breathes of Castalia's streams, and best Macassar oil?


s: Like young Apollo's with his golden beams;


s: There should Apollo's bays be budding now:


s: And in my flashing eyes the radiance beams


s: That marks the poet in his waking dreams.


s: When as his fancies cluster thick and thicker,


s: He feels the trance divine of poesy and liquor.


s: They throng around me now, those things of air,


s: That from my fancy took their being's stamp:


s: There Pelham sits and twirls his glossy hair,


s: There Clifford leads his pals upon the tramp;


s: Their pale Zanoni, bending o'er his lamp,


s: Roams through the starry wilderness of thought,


s: Where all is every thing, and every thing is naught.


s: How love and murder hand in hand may run,


s: And kisses bless the spot where gore has been!


s: Who breathed the melting sentiment of crime,


s: And for the assassin waked a sympathy sublime!


s: Until the public, wildered as they read,


s: Believed they saw that which was not in sight--


s: Of course 'twas not for me to set them right;


s: Novels three-volumed I shall write no more--


s: Somehow or other now they will not sell;


s: Translating's simple, too, as I can tell,


s: Who've hawked at Schiller on his lyric throne,


s: And given the astonished bard a meaning all my own.


s: Moore, Campbell, Wordsworth, their best days are grassed,


s: Battered and broken are their early lyres.


s: Warmed his young hands at Smithfield's martyr fires,


s: And, worth a plum, nor bays, nor butt desires.


s: But these are things would suit me to the letter,


s: For though this Stout is good, old Sherry's greatly better.


s: Your Hunts, your Tennysons, your Milnes, and these!


s: Shall they compete with him who wrote "Maltravers,"


s: My own high brow girt with the bays about.


s: What ho, within there, ho! another pint of STOUT!


s: Brothers, spare awhile your liquor, lay your final tumbler down;


s: He has dropp'd--that star of honor--on the field of his renown!


s: Raise the wail, but raise it softly, lowly bending on your knees,


s: Sons of Pantagruel, gently let your hip-hurraing sink,


s: Be your manly accents clouded, half with sorrow, half with drink!


s: See how calm he sleeps, unconscious as the deadest nail in door!


s: Widely o'er the earth I've wander'd; where the drink most freely


s: I have ever reel'd the foremost, foremost to the beaker strode.


s: Deep in shady Cider Cellars I have dream'd o'er heavy wet,


s: By the fountains of Damascus I have quaff'd the rich Sherbet,


s: Regal Montepulciano drained beneath its native rock,


s: On Johannis' sunny mountain frequent hiccup'd o'er my hock;


s: I have bathed in butts of Xeres deeper than did e'er Monsoon,


s: Sangaree'd with bearded Tartars in the Mountains of the Moon;


s: In beer-swilling Copenhagen I have drunk your Danesman blind,


s: I have kept my feet in Jena, when each bursch to earth declined;


s: But a stouter, bolder drinker--one that loved his liquor more--


s: Never yet did I encounter than our friend upon the floor!


s: Yet the best of us are mortal, we to weakness all are heir,


s: He has fallen, who rarely stagger'd--let the rest of us beware!


s: Calmly, calmly let him slumber, and, as by the bar we pass,


s: Clinging to the hand that smote him, like a good 'un as he is!


s: Didst thou not praise me, Gaultier, at the ball,


s: Ripe lips, trim boddice, and a waist so small,


s: With clipsome lightness, dwindling ever less,


s: Dost thou remember, when with stately prance,


s: Our heads went crosswise in the country dance;


s: How soft, warm fingers, tipp'd like buds of balm,


s: Trembled within the squeezing of thy palm;


s: And how a cheek grew flush'd and peachy-wise


s: At the frank lifting of thy cordial eyes?


s: Ah, me! that night there was one gentle thing,


s: Who like a dove, with its scarce-feather'd wing,


s: Flutter'd at the approach of thy quaint swaggering!


s: There's wont to be, at conscious times like these,


s: And thus, when swirling from the waltz's wheel,


s: You craved my hand to grace the next quadrille.


s: That smiling voice, although it made me start,


s: Boil'd in the meek o'erlifting of my heart;


s: And, picking at my flowers, I said with free


s: And usual tone, "Oh yes, sir, certainly!"


s: Like one that swoons, 'twixt sweet amaze and fear,


s: And felt I cared not, so thou wert with me,


s: So, when a tall Knight Templar ringing came,


s: And took his place against us with his dame,


s: I neither turned away, nor bashful shrunk


s: From the stern survey of the soldier-monk,


s: Though rather more than full three-quarters drunk;


s: But threading through the figure, first in rule,


s: I paused to see thee plunge into La Poule.


s: Ah, what a sight was that? Not prurient Mars,


s: Pointing his toe through ten celestial bars--


s: In tripsome guise for Juno's masquerade--


s: Not smartest Hermes, with his pinion girth,


s: Jerking with freaks and snatches down to earth,


s: Look'd half so bold, so beautiful and strong,


s: As thou when pranking thro' the glittering throng!


s: How the calm'd ladies looked with eyes of love


s: The hem of gold, that, like a wavy river,


s: Flowed down into thy back with glancing shiver!


s: So bare was thy fine throat, and curls of black


s: So lightsomely dropp'd on thy lordly back.


s: So crisply swaled the feather in thy bonnet,


s: So glanced thy thigh, and spanning palm upon it,


s: That my weak soul took instant flight to thee,


s: Lost in the fondest gush of that sweet witchery!


s: But when the dance was o'er, and arm in arm


s: (The full heart beating 'gainst the elbow warm),


s: We pass'd to the great refreshment hall,


s: Where the heap'd cheese-cakes and the comfits small


s: When my poor quivering hand you finger'd twice,


s: And, with inquiring accents, whisper'd "Ice,


s: Water, or cream?" I could no more dissemble,


s: But dropp'd upon the couch all in a tremble.


s: A swimming faintness misted o'er my brain,


s: The corks seem'd starting from the brisk champagne,


s: Thine eyes met mine. That night we danced no more!


s: Then shook small Thiers, with terror riven;


s: Then stormed Bedeau, while gaol-ward driven;


s: The imperial crown. The French are done,


s: Few, few shall write, and none shall meet;


s: Snicks his chin, and swears--a deadly sin!


s: "Jove confound thee, thou bare-legged impostor!


s: Dost thou think my flesh is double Glo'ster?


s: Thus spoke Tarquin with a deal of dryness;


s: Answered--"Try it, your Imperial Highness,


s: Went the steel as glibly as through cheese.


s: So the Augur touched the tin of Tarquin,


s: But he wronged the blameless Gods; for hearken!


s: And I knew that he thought he was cutting a dash,


s: But he shall think, when the night is still,


s: And he shall creep from the wood-hole deep


s: Where their specter eyes have found him!


s: Ay! gather your reins, and crack your thong,


s: His burning bosom buttoned it with stars.


s: That is like padding to earth's meager ribs,


s: And hold communion with the things about me.


s: That binds the skirt of night's descending robe!


s: The thin leaves, quivering on their silken threads,


s: As the light breezes smooth their downy nap.


s: Ha! what is this that rises to my touch,


s: It is, it is that deeply injured flower,


s: Which boys do flout us with;--but yet I love thee,


s: Thou giant rose, wrapped in a green surtout.


s: Doubtless in Eden thou didst blush as bright


s: As these, thy puny brethren; and thy breath


s: Sweetened the fragrance of her spicy air;


s: But now thou seemest like a bankrupt beau,


s: Stripped of his gaudy hues and essences,


s: And growing portly in his sober garments.


s: Is that a swan that rides upon the water?


s: Which is the patron of our noble calling.


s: When these young hands first closed upon a goose


s: Which chronicles the hour of young ambition


s: And my sire's grandsire, all of them were tailors;


s: They had an ancient goose,--it was an heir-loom


s: When none was near, and I did deal with it,


s: And it did burn me,--oh, most fearfully!


s: It is a joy to straighten out one's limbs,


s: And leap elastic from the level counter,


s: The breaking thread, the din of clashing shears,


s: And all the needles that do wound the spirit,


s: For such a pensive hour of soothing silence.


s: Kind Nature, shuffling in her loose undress,


s: With all around me;--I can hail the flowers


s: That sprig earth's mantle,--and yon quiet bird,


s: That rides the stream, is to me as a brother.


s: The vulgar know not all the hidden pockets,


s: Cramps my extended calves, and I must go


s: Where I can coil them in their wonted fashion.


s: Was a jolly young chap, and a son of the SUN;


s: Or rather of PHOEBUS--but as to his mother,


s: Some going for one, and some for another!


s: For myself, I must say, as a careful explorer,


s: This roaring young blade was the son of AURORA!


s: Now old Father PHOEBUS, ere railways begun


s: Drove a very fast coach by the name of "THE SUN;"


s: (On Sundays and all, in a heathenish way).


s: Of lanterns that shone with a brilliant display,


s: And dashing along like a gentleman's "shay."


s: Now PHAETHON begged of his doting old father,


s: To grant him a favor, and this the rather,


s: Since some one had hinted, the youth to annoy,


s: That he wasn't by any means PHOEBUS'S boy!


s: To darken the brow of the son of the SUN!


s: "By the terrible Styx!" said the angry sire,


s: While his eyes flashed volumes of fury and fire,


s: "To prove your reviler an infamous liar,


s: I swear I will grant you whate'er you desire!"


s: "I'll mount the coach when the horses are fed!--


s: For there's nothing I'd choose, as I'm alive,


s: Like a seat on the box, and a dashing drive!"


s: You're quite too young," continued the sage,


s: And when their mettle is thoroughly 'riled,'


s: Depend upon't, the coach'll be 'spiled'--


s: They're not the fellows to draw it mild!


s: 'T was just the thing to astonish the crowd--


s: He'd have the horses and wouldn't be cowed!


s: He called for the chargers, unheeding the charge,


s: And vowed that any young fellow of force,


s: Could manage a dozen coursers, of course!


s: He was in for it now, and couldn't back out.


s: (A "stage direction," of which the core is,


s: Don't use the whip--they're ticklish things--


s: But, whatever you do, hold on to the strings!)


s: (As the Judge remarked to a rowdy Scotchman,


s: Who was going to quod between two watchmen!)


s: Be shy of the stones, and keep in the road!"


s: Now Phaethon, perched in the coachman's place,


s: When all at once, with a dreadful crash,


s: The whole "establishment" went to smash!


s: Don't rashly take to dangerous courses--


s: Nor set it down in your table of forces,


s: That any one man equals any four horses!


s: Propt on the marsh, a dwelling now, I see


s: Where well-drilled urchins, each behind his tire,


s: Waited in ranks the wished command to fire,


s: Then all together, when the signal came,


s: Discharged their A-B ABS against the dame,


s: Who, 'mid the volleyed learning, firm and calm,


s: Patted the furloughed ferule on her palm,


s: And, to our wonder, could detect at once


s: Who flashed the pan, and who was downright dunce.


s: There young Devotion learned to climb with ease


s: The gnarly limbs of Scripture family-trees,


s: Who soonest to the topmost twig perspired;


s: Each name was called as many various ways


s: As pleased the reader's ear on different days,


s: So that the weather, or the ferule's stings,


s: Colds in the head, or fifty other things,


s: Transformed the helpless Hebrew thrice a week


s: The vibrant accent skipping here and there


s: Just as it pleased invention or despair;


s: With or without the points pleased her the same.


s: And looked at her, pride furnished skill enough;


s: She nerved her larynx for the desperate thing,


s: And cleared the five-barred syllables at a spring.


s: Ah, dear old times! there once it was my hap,


s: Perched on a stool, to wear the long-eared cap;


s: From books degraded, there I sat at ease,


s: What is't Fine Grand, makes thee my friendship fly,


s: As't were a challenge, or a borrower's letter?


s: The world must know your greatness is my debtor.


s: I lent you, on mere acquaintance, at a feast.


s: ITEM, a tale or two some fortnight after,


s: That yet maintains you, and your house in laughter.


s: Your partie-per-pale picture, one half drawn


s: In solemn cyprus, th' other cobweb lawn.


s: ITEM, a gulling impress for you, at tilt.


s: ITEM, your mistress' anagram, in your hilt.


s: ITEM, your own, sew'd in your mistress' smock.


s: In most vile verses, and cost me more pain,


s: Than had I made 'em good, to fit your vein.


s: Forty things more, dear Grand, which you know true,


s: For which, or pay me quickly, or I'll pay you.


s: Hardy, thy brain is valiant, 'tis confest,


s: Thou more; that with it every day dar'st jest


s: Thyself into fresh brawls; when call'd upon,


s: Scarce thy week's swearing brings thee off of one;


s: So in short time, thou art in arrearage grown


s: Some hundred quarrels, yet dost thou fight none;


s: Nor need'st thou; for those few, by oath released,


s: Make good what thou dar'st in all the rest.


s: Keep thyself there, and think thy valor right,


s: He that dares damn himself, dares more than fight.


s: When men a dangerous disease did 'scape,


s: Let me give two, that doubly am got free;


s: From my disease's danger, and from thee.


s: Filter, the most may admire thee, though not I;


s: And thou, right guiltless, may'st plead to it, why?


s: For thy late sharp device. I say 'tis fit


s: All brains, at times of triumph, should run wit;


s: For then our water-conduits do run wine;


s: Banks feels no lameness of his knotty gout,


s: And though the soundest legs go every day,


s: He toils to be at hell, as soon as they.


s: No cause, nor client fat, will Cheveril leese,


s: But as they come, on both sides he takes fees,


s: And pleaseth both; for while he melts his grease


s: For this; that wins, for whom he holds his peace.


s: Critics are like a kind of flies, that breed


s: In wild fig-trees, and when they're grown up, feed


s: And, by their nibbling on the outward rind,


s: Open the pores, and make way for the sun


s: To ripen it sooner than he would have done.


s: So round white stones will serve, they pay,


s: A godly man, that has served out his time


s: As scholars, when they've taken their degrees


s: For few do write that were not so before;


s: And those that have writ best, had they been rich.


s: Had ne'er been clapp'd with a poetic itch;


s: Had loved their ease too well to take the pains


s: And freely give their friends their voices


s: For praise, that's due, does give no more


s: There needs no other charm, nor conjurer


s: That makes men pull their horns in, like a snail


s: That's both a pris'ner to itself, and jail;


s: Draws more fantastic shapes, than in the grains


s: When all the cocks they think they see, and bulls,


s: Are only in the insides of their skulls.


s: While it condemns a less delinquent for't.


s: Who can deserve, for breaking of the laws,


s: All those that do but rob and steal enough,


s: Are punishment and court-of-justice proof,


s: And need not fear, nor be concerned a straw


s: As well as other sufferers, of their due.


s: Is but to put the soul on a clean shift.


s: Than glowing coals, that give them light.


s: To write his name, and 'tis in law as good,


s: So he, that can not write one word of sense


s: To scribble what he does not understand,


s: From other men; as wooden legs are stiffer


s: Than those of pliant joints, to yield and bow,


s: Which way soever they're design'd to go.


s: In all our Latin terms of art and Greek;


s: Would never understand one word of sense


s: As if the Schools design'd their terms of art,


s: Not to advance a science, but to divert;


s: Than draw it out; so 'tis in books the chief


s: Of all perfections to be plain and brief.


s: All the inventions that the world contains,


s: Were not by reason first found out, nor brains,


s: But pass for theirs who had the luck to light


s: And, in as learn'd authentic nonsense, writ


s: The names of all their moods and figures fit;


s: For a logician's one that has been broke


s: To ride and pace his reason by the book;


s: And by their rules, and precepts, and examples,


s: To put his wits into a kind of trammels.


s: Those get the least that take the greatest pains,


s: But most of all i' th' drudgery of the brains,


s: And children are more busy at their play,


s: Than those that wiseliest pass their time away.


s: Like pipestaves, are but hoop'd into a tub;


s: For nothing else but only to hold drink.


s: A country that draws fifty feet of water,


s: In which men live as in the hold of Nature;


s: And when the sea does in upon them break,


s: And drown a province, does but spring a leak;


s: That always ply the pump, and never think


s: They can be safe, but at the rate they stink;


s: That live as if they had been run a-ground,


s: And, when they die, are cast away and drown'd;


s: That dwell in ships, like swarms of rats, and prey


s: Upon the goods all nations' fleets convey;


s: And, when their merchants are blown up and cracked,


s: That feed, like cannibals, on other fishes,


s: And serve their cousin-germans up in dishes:


s: A land that rides at anchor, and is moor'd,


s: In which they do not live, but go a-board.


s: And though their passions have most pow'r,


s: They are, like Turks, but slaves the more


s: To th' abs'lute will, that with a breath


s: To flames, and raptures, and love-tricks.


s: Like birds they stoop at seeming grapes,


s: To him, for whom heav'n seem'd to frame,


s: Like moving mountains, topp'd with snow:


s: Mov'd in the orb, pleas'd with the chimes,


s: They tread on stars, and talk with gods;


s: Still pleased with their own verses' sound;


s: (Says t' other, perch'd upon the wheel),


s: Toss up their heads, and stretch their wings.


s: This neither spoke, nor t' other fought:


s: Both rais'd, but by their party's favor.


s: Your house and coach, both day and night,


s: Meek Francis lies here, friend: without stop or stay,


s: As you value your peace, make the best of your way.


s: Though at present arrested by death's caitiff paw,


s: If he stirs, he may still have recourse to the law.


s: And in the King's Bench should a verdict be found,


s: That by livery and seisin his grave is his ground,


s: He will claim to himself what is strictly his due,


s: And an action of trespass will straightway ensue,


s: That you without right on his premises tread,


s: On a simple surmise that the owner is dead.


s: What a frail thing is beauty! says baron Le Cras,


s: Perceiving his mistress had one eye of glass:


s: When she more confus'd as more angry she grew,


s: By a negligent rage prov'd the maxim too true:


s: Eateth baked meats, drinketh Greek wine;


s: And Mat. mote praise what Topaz verseth.


s: Now sure as priest did e'er shrive sinner,


s: When Bibo thought fit from the world to retreat,


s: And full of champagne as an egg's full of meat,


s: He waked in the boat; and to Charon he said,


s: He would be row'd back, for he was not yet dead.


s: Trim the boat, and sit quiet, stern Charon replied:


s: You may have forgot, you were drunk when you died.


s: While haughty Gallia's dames, that spread


s: While in the dark on thy soft hand I hung,


s: And heard the tempting syren in thy tongue,


s: What flames, what darts, what anguish I endured!


s: But when the candle entered I was cured.


s: In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow,


s: Thou 'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow;


s: Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee,


s: There is no living with thee, nor without thee.


s: Thy beard and head are of a different dye:


s: With all these tokens of a knave complete,


s: Should'st thou be honest, thou 'rt a dev'lish cheat.


s: So bright is thy beauty, so charming thy song,


s: As had drawn both the beasts and their Orpheus along;


s: But such is thy avarice, and such is thy pride.


s: That the beasts must have starved, and the poet have died.


s: You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:


s: Knock as you please, there's nobody at home.


s: That poisonous juice, which kills by cold.


s: The cold conceits, the chilling thoughts,


s: When (who could think?) though cold as ice,


s: You always are making a god of your spouse;


s: But this neither Reason nor Conscience allows;


s: Perhaps you will say, 'tis in gratitude due,


s: And you adore him because he adores you.


s: Your argument's weak, and so you will find,


s: For you, by this rule, must adore all mankind.


s: As Thomas was cudgel'd one day by his wife,


s: He took to his heels and fled for his life:


s: Tom's three dearest friends came by in the squabble,


s: And saved him at once from the shrew and the rabble;


s: Then ventured to give him some sober advice-


s: Too wise to take counsel, too proud to take warning,


s: That he sent to all three a challenge next morning.


s: Three duels he fought, thrice ventured his life;


s: Went home, and was cudgeled again by his wife.


s: The Church has vapors; there's no danger nigh.


s: And were they hang'd, there would no danger be.


s: And not believe our senses, but the Peers.


s: So ravishers that know no sense of shame,


s: First stop her mouth, and then debauch the dame.


s: Carthy, you say, writes well--his genius true,


s: You pawn your word for him--he'll vouch for you.


s: So two poor knaves, who find their credit fail,


s: To cheat the world, become each other's bail.


s: When Cupid did his grandsire Jove entreat


s: Jove sent, and found, far in a country scene,


s: Truth, innocence, good nature, look serene:


s: From which ingredients first the dext'rous boy


s: Pick'd the demure, the awkward, and the coy.


s: The Graces from the court did next provide


s: Breeding, and wit, and air, and decent pride:


s: These Venus cleans from every spurious grain


s: Of nice coquet, affected, pert, and vain.


s: Jove mix'd up all, and the best clay employ'd;


s: Then call'd the happy composition FLOYD.


s: Straight oped 'scrutoire, and forth he took


s: 'Mong friends 't will break no squares, I guess.


s: All folks who pretend to religion and grace,


s: Allow there's a HELL, but dispute of the place:


s: But if HELL may by logical rules be defined


s: The place of the damn'd--I'll tell you my mind.


s: Most certainly there is HELL to be found:


s: Damn'd poets, damn'd critics, damn'd blockheads, damn'd knaves;


s: Damn'd senators bribed, damn'd prostitute slaves;


s: Damn'd lawyers and judges, damn'd lords and damn'd squires;


s: Damn'd spies and informers, damn'd friends and damn'd liars;


s: Damn'd villains, corrupted in every station;


s: Dama'd time-serving priests all over the nation;


s: And into the bargain I'll readily give you


s: Damn'd ignorant prelates, and councillors privy.


s: Then let us no longer by parsons be flamm'd,


s: For we know by these marks the place of the damn'd:


s: And HELL to be sure is at Paris or Rome.


s: How happy for us that it is not at home!


s: Jove, arm'd with terrors, bursts the skies,


s: The world stands trembling at his throne!


s: Jove, nodding, shook the heavens, and said:


s: You who, through frailty, stepp'd aside;


s: You who in different sects were shamm'd,


s: I damn such fools!--Go, go, you're bit."


s: "A slave to crowds, scorch'd with the summer's heats,


s: In courts the wretched lawyer toils and sweats;


s: While smiling Nature, in her best attire,


s: Regales each sense, and vernal joys inspire.


s: Can he, who knows that real good should please


s: This Paulus preach'd:--When, entering at the door,


s: Upon his board the client pours the ore:


s: He grasps the shining gifts, pores o'er the cause,


s: Forgets the sun, and dozes o'er the laws.


s: If you say this was made for friend Dan, you belie it,


s: I'll swear he's so like it that he was made by it.


s: Great wits to madness nearly are allied,


s: This makes the Dean for kindred THUS provide.


s: Faulkner! for once thou hast some judgment shown,


s: By representing Swift transformed to stone;


s: For could he thy ingratitude have known,


s: "God bless the King! God bless the faith's defender!


s: God bless--no harm in blessing--the Pretender.


s: But who that pretender is, and who that king,


s: God bless us all, is quite another thing."


s: Placed between the busts of Newton and Pope.


s: "Had Cain been Scot, God would have changed his doom;


s: Nor forced him wander, but confined him home."


s: Poor Edmund sees poor Britain's setting sun:


s: Poor Edmund GROANS--and Britain is UNDONE!


s: Reader! thou hast, I do presume (God knows though) been in a snug


s: Sunk ships, tore trees up--done a world of harm.


s: Yes, thou hast lifted up thy tearful eyes,


s: Fancying thou heardst of mariners the cries;


s: And sigh'd, "How wretched now must thousands be!


s: When, lo! this dreadful tempest, and his roar,


s: Pressing through Edmund's lungs for loaves and fishes,


s: On which he long hath looked with LONGING eye


s: To fill poor Edmund's not o'erburden'd dishes?


s: Give Mun a sup--forgot will be complaint;


s: Britain be safe, and Hastings prove a SAINT.


s: Who boasted that his pictures had hung near those of Sir Joshua


s: Garrick, on whom our nation justly brags--


s: The fellow hugg'd him with a kind embrace--


s: "Good sir, I do not recollect your face,"


s: Quoth Garrick--"No!" replied the man of rags.


s: "The boards of Drury you and I have trod


s: "When?" with an oath, cried Garrick--"for by G--


s: I never saw that face of yours before!--


s: "Lord!" quoth the fellow, "think not that I mock--


s: When you play'd Hamlet, sir--I play'd the cock"


s: "FINISH'D!" a disappointed artist cries,


s: Gaping for praise like a young crow for meat--


s: What rage for fame attends both great and small


s: Better be D--N'D, than mention'd NOT AT ALL!


s: West tells the world that Peter can not rhyme--


s: Peter declares, point blank, that West can't paint.


s: West swears I've not an atom of sublime--


s: And that his cross-wing'd cherubim are fowls,


s: Half of the meek apostles, gangs of robbers;


s: His angels, sets of brazen-headed lubbers.


s: The Holy Scripture says, "All flesh is grass,"


s: With Mr. West, all flesh is brick and brass;


s: Except his horse-flesh, that I fairly own


s: Is often of the choicest Portland stone.


s: I've said it too, that this artist's faces


s: Yet for this article hath he been studying,


s: But in it never could surpass a pudding-


s: I'm told the man with technicals is blest,


s: Thus, then, is Mr. West deserving praise--


s: And let my justice the fair laud afford;


s: For, lo! this far-fam'd artist cuts both ways,


s: The beauties of the art his CONVERSE shows,


s: His CANVAS almost ev'ry thing that's bad!


s: When Barry dares the President to fly on,


s: 'Tis like a mouse, that, work'd into a rage


s: Because Goliath scratch'd him as he fed,


s: There's one R. A. more dead! stiff is poor Hone--


s: His works be with him under the same stone:


s: I think the sacred art will not bemoan 'em;


s: As to his host, a TRAV'LER, with a sneer,


s: Go, then, poor Hone! and join a numerous train


s: And may its WHALE-LIKE stomach feel no motion


s: Thus have I seen a child, with smiling face,


s: And strut in triumph round its fav'rite flow'r;


s: Gaze on the leaves with infant admiration,


s: Thinking the flow'r the finest in the nation,


s: Which John the gard'ner was oblig'd to fill;


s: The child, so pleas'd, would pour the water out,


s: Then staring round, all wild for praises panting,


s: Tell all the world it was its own sweet planting;


s: Flutt'ring her feathers--making such a noise!


s: As if this chick, to which her egg gave birth,


s: Poor Peter Staggs, now rests beneath this rail,


s: Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;


s: For twenty years he did the duties well,


s: Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the "Bell."


s: But Death stepp'd in, and order'd Peter Staggs


s: To feed his worms, and leave the farmers' nags.


s: The church clock struck one--alas! 't was Peter's knell,


s: Who sigh'd, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"


s: Blest with more sense than half the folks I know:


s: Fond of his ease, and to no parties prone,


s: He damn'd no sect, but calmly gnaw'd his bone;


s: Perform'd his functions well in ev'ry way-


s: Blush, CHRISTIANS, if you can, and copy Tray.


s: Talk no more of the lucky escape of the head


s: I think very different, with thousands indeed,


s: Stop, thief! dame Nature cried to Death,


s: Last night 'twas said throughout the city;


s: The news proved false--'t was all a cheat--


s: What HALF the town last night was crying.


s: While both are thus with raptures fainting,


s: Since Tom and John both kiss a painting.


s: Nay, surely John's the happier of the twain,


s: Because--the picture can not kiss again!


s: Spends his own cash, and that of others,


s: Lie as long as you will, my fine fellow, believe me,


s: Your rhodomontading will never deceive me;


s: Though you took me in THEN, I confess, my good youth,


s: When moved by caprice you once told me the truth.


s: See yonder goes old Mendax, telling lies


s: To that good easy man with whom he's walking;


s: How know I that? you ask, with some surprise;


s: Why, don't you see, my friend, the fellow's talking.


s: SAVANS have decided, that search the globe round,


s: One only bad wife in the world can be found;


s: The worst of it is, as her name is not known,


s: Not a husband but swears that bad wife is his own.


s: From the grave where dead Gripeall, the miser, reposes,


s: What a villainous odor invades all our noses!


s: They have certainly buried the usurer's SOUL.


s: While Fell was reposing himself on the hay,


s: A reptile conceal'd bit his leg as he lay;


s: But all venom himself, of the wound he made light,


s: And got well, while the scorpion died of the bite.


s: So vile your grimace, and so croaking your speech,


s: One scarcely can tell if you're laughing or crying;


s: Were you fix'd on one's funeral sermon to preach,


s: The bare apprehension would keep one from dying.


s: How plain your little darling says "Mamma,"


s: But still she calls you "Doctor," not "Papa."


s: One thing is clear: your conscientious rib


s: Has not yet taught the pretty dear to fib.


s: "Be less prolix," says Grill.  I like advice--


s: "Grill, you're an ass!"  Now surely that's concise.


s: Chang'd for the well-fill'd purse of t'other.


s: That Dorilis thus, on her lap as he lies,


s: Should kiss little Pompey, excites no surprise;


s: But the lapdog whom thus she keeps fondling and praising,


s: Licks her face in return--that I own is amazing!


s: So slowly you walk, and so quickly you eat,


s: You should march with your mouth, and devour with your feet.


s: Give up one eye, and make your sister's two,


s: Or Spienetic Extempore, on my joyful departure from the city of


s: In the body-and-soul-stinking town of Cologne.


s: And pavements fanged with murderous stones,


s: And rags, and hags, and hideous wenches,


s: Ye nymphs that reign o'er sewers and sinks,


s: Offended by a sportive observation that women have no souls.


s: 'Tis _I_ that have one since I first had you.


s: But cunning Satan did not take his spouse.


s: But Heaven, that brings out good from evil,


s: Short-sighted devil, not to take his spouse!


s: Swans sing before they die--'t were no bad thing;


s: Did certain persons die before they sing.


s: Of yore, in Old England, it was not thought good,


s: What should folks say to YOU? who have faces so plenty,


s: That from under one hood you last night showed us twenty!


s: Stand forth, arch deceiver, and tell us in truth,


s: Are you handsome or ugly, in age or in youth?


s: Or are you, at once, each live thing in the house?


s: Each live thing did I ask?--each dead implement too,


s: A workshop in your person--saw, chisel, and screw!


s: Above all, are you one individual?--I know


s: You must be, at least, Alexandre and Co.


s: But I think you're a troop, an assemblage, a mob,


s: And that I, as the sheriff, should take up the job:


s: And, instead of rehearsing your wonders in verse,


s: Must read you the riot-act, and bid you disperse!


s: The Prince of Wales came into Brooke's one day, and complained of


s: Perhaps thou'st read, or heard repeated,


s: They tied him down-these little men did--


s: And needles in the great man's breeches;


s: Though different, too, these persecutions


s: Said his Highness to NED, with that grim face of his,


s: "Why refuse us the VETO, dear Catholic NEDDY?"--


s: "Because, sir" said NED, looking full in his phiz,


s: "You're FORBIDDING enough, in all conscience, already!"


s: Between Adam and me the great difference is,


s: Though a paradise each has been forced to resign,


s: That he never wore breeches till turn'd out of his,


s: While, for want of my breeches, I'm banish'd from mine


s: QUEST.-Why is a Pump like Viscount CASTLEREAGH?


s: ANSW.-Because it is a slender thing of wood,


s: That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,


s: And coolly spout, and spout, and spout away,


s: There's none like Jack--he's everywhere:


s: "Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,


s: There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake--


s: It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."--


s: "Why, so it is, father--whose wife shall I take?"


s: That from this hour I shall not love thee more.--


s: "What! love no more? Oh! why this alter'd vow?


s: Because I CAN NOT love thee MORE--than NOW!"


s: Though so oft she has snapp'd at the flame,


s: To no ONE Muse does she her glance confine,


s: But has an eye, at once to ALL THE NINE!


s: He took, of course, to peers' relations;


s: With "Lord" and "Duke," were sweet to call,


s: "Cease, cease!" the blushing girl replied


s: You know 'T WAS IN THE DARK you taught me!"


s: Dooms us, poor whigs, at once to slaughter,


s: This journal of folly's an emblem of me;


s: But what book shall we find emblematic of thee?


s: Oh! shall we not say thou art LOVE'S DUODECIMO?


s: None can be prettier, few can be less, you know.


s: Such a volume in SHEETS were a volume of charms;


s: Or if BOUND, it should only be BOUND IN OUR ARMS!


s: They tell us that Woman was made of a rib


s: Just pick'd from a corner so snug in the side;


s: But the Rabbins swear to you that this is a fib,


s: And 't was not so at all that the sex was supplied.


s: For old Adam was fashion'd, the first of his kind,


s: With a tail like a monkey, full a yard and a span;


s: And when Nature cut off this appendage behind,


s: Why--then woman was made of the tail of the man.


s: If such is the tie between women and men,


s: And makes a most damnable ape of himself!


s: Yet, if we may judge as the fashions prevail,


s: Every husband remembers the original plan,


s: And, knowing his wife is no more than his tail,


s: Why--he leaves her behind him as much as he can.


s: Heaven grant no tears but tears of wine.


s: Of all speculations the market holds forth,


s: The best that I know for a lover of pelf,


s: Is to buy --- up at the price he is worth,


s: And then sell him at that which he sets on himself.


s: While Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,


s: See him, when starved to death and turn'd to dust,


s: The poet's fate is here in emblem shown--


s: He ask'd for BREAD, and he received a STONE.


s: Airey alone has gained that double prize,


s: Which forced musicians to divide the crown;


s: His works have raised a mortal to the skies,


s: His marriage-vows have drawn a mortal down.


s: "They say Ward has no heart, but I deny it;


s: He has a heart--and gets his speeches by it."


s: Famed for contemptuous breach of sacred ties,


s: By headless Charles see heartless Henry lies;


s: Between them stands another sceptered thing--


s: It moves, it reigns--in all but name, a king;


s: Charles to his people, Henry to his wife,


s: --In him the double tyrant starts to life;


s: Justice and death have mixed their dust in vain,


s: Ah! what can tombs avail, since these disgorge


s: The blood and dust of both to mold a George?


s: John Adams lies here, of the parish of Southwell,


s: A carrier who carried his can to his mouth well;


s: He carried so much, and he carried so fast,


s: He could carry no more--so was carried at last;


s: For the liquor he drank, being too much for one,


s: He could not carry off--so he's now carriON.


s: When up came Jem--"Sir John, your slave!"


s: The king can do no wrong? As I'm a sinner,


s: He's spoilt an honest tradesman and my dinner.


s: Years glide away, and are lost to me, lost to me I


s: Now, when the folks in the dance sport their merry toes,


s: Sighing, I murmur, "O mihi praeteritos !"


s: So much, dear Pope, thy English Homer charms,


s: Two scraps of foundation, some fragments of lace,


s: A shower of French rose-buds to droop o'er the face;


s: Fine ribbons and feathers, with crage and illusions,


s: Then mix and DErange them in graceful confusion;


s: Inveigle some fairy, out roaming for pleasure,


s: And beg the slight favor of taking her measure,


s: The length and the breadth of her dear little pate,


s: Then pour, as above, the bright mixture upon it,


s: And lo! you possess "such a love of a bonnet!"


s: As my wife and I, at the window one day,


s: A cart came by, with a "broth of a boy,"


s: To my wife I then spoke, by way of a joke,


s: "There's a relation of yours in that carriage."


s: To which she replied, as the donkey she spied,


s: One of whom, O'Connell, delayed a duel on the plea of his wife's


s: And honor their wife and their daughter,


s: That their days may be long in the land.


s: "Pray, why does the great Captain's nose


s: Because it has a bridge of size (sighs)."


s: That picture-raffles will conduce to nourish


s: Design, or cause good coloring to flourish,


s: Admits of logic-chopping and wise sawing,


s: But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard--


s: Will continue to work though it STRIKES.


s: Shiel's oratory's like bottled Dublin stout--


s: For, draw the cork, and only froth comes out.


s: The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,


s: And boast that they are only blessed with light.


s: Peel's politics to both sides so incline,


s: Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,


s: And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!


s: A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--


s: She died of MILK and WATER ON THE BRAIN.


s: One morn, two friends before the Newgate drop,


s: To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop:


s: "Alas!" cried one, as round in air he spun,


s: "True," said the other, drily, "to his cost,


s: The race is run--but, by a NECK 'tis lost."


s: "I wonder if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"


s: "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,


s: His majesty does nothing else than prey.


s: Short was the passage through this earthly vale,


s: By turnpike roads when mortals used to wend;


s: As soon again we reach the journey's end.


s: Which is of greater value, prythee, say,


s: The Bride or Bridegroom?--must the truth be told?


s: Alas, it must! The Bride is given away--


s: The lounger must oft, as he walks through the streets,


s: Be struck with the grace of some girl that he meets;


s: So graceful behind in dress--ringlets--all that--


s: But one gaze at the front--what a horrid old cat!


s: You then think of the notice you've seen on a door,


s: His majesty you should not say of FRITZ,


s: That king is neuter; so for HIS, use ITS.


s: What's the news?--Why, they say Death has killed Dr. Morrison.


s: The Pill-maker? Yes. Then Death will be sorry soon.


s: Nay, marvel not to see these scholars fight,


s: In brave disdain of certain scath and scar;


s: 'Tis but the genuine, old, Hellenic spite,--


s: "When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war!"


s: Quoth David to Daniel--"Why is it these scholars


s: Quoth Daniel to David--"it nat'rally follers


s: Folks come to hard words if they meddle with Greek!"


s: For "something to read--some novel or other,


s: "Take Chitty!" replied his legal friend,


s: Here Nature in her glass--the wanton elf--


s: And while she scans each clumsy feature o'er,


s: Repeats the blunders that she made before!


s: Why should they make what all their lives


s: "A fool," said Jeanette, "is a creature I hate!"


s: Besides, my dear girl, it's a terrible fate


s: A tale which grew in wonder year by year;


s: To the main fight, till faded and grown gray,


s: The original scene to bolder tints gave way;


s: Then Joe had heard the foe's scared double-quick


s: Beat on stove drum with one uncaptured stick,


s: And, ere death came the lengthening tale to lop,


s: Himself had fired, and seen a red-coat drop;


s: Had Joe lived long enough, that scrambling fight


s: Had squared more nearly to his sense of right,


s: And vanquished Perry, to complete the tale,


s: Had hammered stone for life in Concord jail.


s: So, mamma, 'tis in vain to take trouble--


s: And at present he's young enough plenty;


s: Though each, Heaven knows! diversely hearted.


s: Through nibbled sheepwalks straying onward,


s: Sense with his dull eyes earthward bent,


s: Fresh culled from all the neighboring hedges!


s: "I'll have her though," thought he, "by rape or rapine;


s: Jove nods sometimes, but catch a Nap a napping!


s: And now I think of Jove, 't was Jove's own fix,


s: And so I'll borrow one of Jove's own tricks:


s: Old itching Palm I'll tickle with a joke,


s: And he shall lend me England's decent cloak."


s: 'Twas said and done, and his success was full;


s: Would not contain one-half my speeches."


s: I devise to end my days--in a tavern drinking,


s: May some Christian hold for me--the glass when I am shrinking.


s: That the cherubim may cry--when they see me sinking,


s: God be merciful to a soul--of this gentleman's way of thinking.


s: A glass of wine amazingly--enlighteneth one's intervals;


s: 'Tis wings bedewed with nectar--that fly up to supernals;


s: Bottles cracked in taverns--have much the sweeter kernels,


s: Than the sups allowed to us--in the college journals.


s: Every one by nature hath--a mold which he was cast in;


s: I happen to be one of those--who never could write fasting;


s: By a single little boy--I should be surpass'd in


s: Writing so: I'd just as lief--be buried; tomb'd and grass'd in.


s: Every one by nature hath--a gift too, a dotation:


s: I, when I make verses--do get the inspiration


s: Of the very best of wine--that comes into the nation:


s: It maketh sermons to astound--for edification.


s: Just as liquor floeth good--floweth forth my lay so;


s: But I must moreover eat--or I could not say so;


s: Naught it availeth inwardly--should I write all day so;


s: But with God's grace after meat--I beat Ovidius Naso.


s: Neither is there given to me--prophetic animation,


s: Unless when I have eat and drank--yea, ev'n to saturation,


s: Then in my upper story--hath Bacchus domination


s: And Phoebus rushes into me, and beggareth all relation.


s: Dic, heris agro at, an da quar to fine ale,


s: Fora ringat ure nos, an da stringat ure tale.


s: For a ring at your nose, and a string at your tail.]


s: Shepherd.  Echo, I ween, will in the woods reply,


s: And quaintly answer questions: shall I try?


s: Shepherd.  What must we do our passion to express?


s: Shepherd.  How shall I please her, who ne'er loved before?


s: Shepherd.  What most moves women when we them address?


s: Echo.                                         A dress.


s: Shepherd.  Say, what can keep her chaste whom I adore?


s: Echo.                                         A door.


s: Shepherd.  If music softens rocks, love tunes my lyre.


s: Shepherd.  Then teach me, Echo, how shall I come by her?


s: Echo.                                         Buy her.


s: Shepherd.  When bought, no question I shall be her dear?


s: Echo.                                         Her deer.


s: Shepherd.  But deer have horns: how must I keep her under?


s: Echo.                                         Keep her under.


s: Shepherd.  But what can glad me when she's laid on bier?


s: Shepherd.  What must I do when women will be kind?


s: Echo.                                         Be kind.


s: Shepherd.  What must I do when women will be cross?


s: Echo.                                         Be cross.


s: Shepherd.  Lord, what is she that can so turn and wind?


s: Shepherd.  If she be wind, what stills her when she blows?


s: Shepherd.  But if she bang again, still should I bang her?


s: Echo.                                         Bang her.


s: Shepherd.  Is there no way to moderate her anger?


s: Echo.                                         Hang her.


s: Shepherd.  Thanks, gentle Echo! right thy answers tell


s: What woman is and how to guard her well.


s: Echo.                                         Guard her well.


s: Young Roger came tapping at Dolly's window--


s: He begg'd for admittance--she answered him no--


s: No, no, Roger, no--as you came you may go--


s: O what is the reason, dear Dolly? he cried--


s: That thus I'm cast off and unkindly denied?--


s: Some rival more dear, I guess, has been here--


s: Suppose there's been two, sir, pray what's that to you, sir


s: Wi' a disconsolate look his sad farewell he took--


s: And all in despair jump'd into a brook--


s: His courage did cool in a filthy green pool--


s: So he swam to the shore, but saw Dolly no more--


s: He did speedily find one more fat and more kind--


s: But poor Dolly's afraid she must die an old maid--


s: For with small-pox 't was scarred across:


s: And the calves of his wicked-looking legs


s: And whenever he emptied his tumbler of punch,


s: He'd not rest till he fill'd it full again,


s: The whiskey, frisky, rummy, gummy, brandy, no dandy Irishman.


s: And he broke the skulls of the men of Leith,


s: The hearts of the maids and the gentlemen's heads were bothered


s: Swells with her virtues' CATalogue along;


s: No CATaplasm could lengthen out her years,


s: Though mourning friends shed CATaracts of tears.


s: Once loud and strong her CATachist-like voice


s: It dwindled to a CATcall's squeaking noise;


s: But a vile CATchpoll dog, with cruel bite,


s: Like CATling's cut, her strength disabled quite;


s: As CATaphracts their arms through legions bear;


s: Their lengths, like CATtle after busy day,


s: She ling'ring died, nor left in kit KAT the


s: "My TABLES! MEAT it is, _I_ SET IT down!"--Hamlet


s: I think it was Spring--but not certain I am--


s: But I know we were certainly looking for lamb,


s: 'T was at Christmas, I think, when I met with Miss Chase,


s: And I thought I had never beheld such a face,


s: Placed close by her side, it made others quite wild


s: How she blushed as I gave her some turtle, and smiled


s: I looked and I languished, alas! to my cost,


s: Through three courses of dishes and meats;


s: Getting deeper in love--but my heart was quite lost


s: With a rent-roll that told of my houses and land,


s: And then to herself I presented my hand,


s: I asked her to have me for weal or for woe,


s: I can't tell the date--but we married I know


s: We went to ----, it certainly was the sea-side;


s: For the next, the most blessed of morns,


s: I remember how fondly I gazed at my bride,


s: O, never may memory lose sight of that year,


s: That season the "grass" was remarkably dear,


s: So happy, like hours, all our days seemed to haste,


s: So united in heart--so congenial in taste--


s: A long life I looked for of bliss with my bride,


s: But then Death--I ne'er dreamt about that!


s: O, there's nothing is certain in life, as I cried


s: My dearest took ill at the turn of the year,


s: But something, it seemed like consumption, I fear--


s: In vain she was doctored, in vain she was dosed,


s: Still her strength and her appetite pined;


s: She lost relish for what she had relished the most,


s: For months still I lingered in hope and in doubt,


s: But the last dying spark of existence went out.


s: She died, and she left me the saddest of men,


s: Oh! I felt all the power of solitude then,


s: But when I beheld Virtue's friends in their cloaks,


s: O my grief poured a flood! and the out-of-door folks


s: "Why then," said she, "you've lost the feet


s: And they buried Ben in four cross-roads,


s: No dawn--no dusk--no proper time of day--


s: No road--no street--no "t' other side the way"--


s: No park--no ring--no afternoon gentility--


s: No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,


s: No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees.


s: No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds.


s: And then there was the plaintives costs,


s: An igstrawnary tail I vill tell you this veek--


s: I stood in the Court of A'Beckett the Beak,


s: Who charged Mary Brown with a robbin' of she.


s: And she came to Mrs. Roney it's more than twelve monce


s: She adn't got no bed, nor no dinner, nor no tea,


s: And kind Mrs. Roney gave Mary all three.


s: Mrs. Roney kep Mary for ever so many veeks


s: (Her conduct disgusted the best of all Beax),


s: She kept her for nothink, as kind as could be,


s: Never thinking that this Mary was a traitor to she.


s: "Mrs. Roney, O Mrs. Roney, I feel very ill;


s: Will you jest step to the doctor's for to fetch me a pill?"


s: "That I will, my pore Mary," Mrs. Roney says she:


s: And she goes off to the doctor's as quickly as may be.


s: No sooner on this message Mrs. Roney was sped,


s: Than hup gits vicked Mary, and jumps out a bed;


s: She hopens all the trunks without never a key--


s: She bustes all the boxes, and vith them makes free.


s: Mrs. Roney's best linning gownds, petticoats, and close,


s: Her children's little coats and things, her boots and her hose,


s: She packed them, and she stole 'em, and avay vith them did flee


s: Mrs. Roney's situation--you may think vat it vould be!


s: Of Mary, ungrateful, who had served her this vay,


s: Mrs. Roney heard nothink for a long year and a day,


s: Till last Thursday, in Lambeth, ven whom should she see?


s: But this Mary, as had acted so ungrateful to she.


s: She was leaning on the helbo of a worthy young man;


s: They were going to be married, and were walkin hand in hand;


s: And the church-bells was a ringing for Mary and he,


s: And the parson was ready, and a waitin' for his fee.


s: When up comes Mrs. Roney, and faces Mary Brown,


s: Who trembles, and castes her eyes upon the ground.


s: She calls a jolly pleaseman, it happens to be me;


s: I charge this young woman, Mr. Pleaseman, says she.


s: I acted most ungrateful I own, and I know,


s: But the marriage bell is a ringin, and the ring you may see,


s: And this young man is a waitin, says Mary, says she.


s: I don't care three fardens for the parson and clark,


s: And the bell may keep ringing from noon day to dark.


s: Mary Brown, Mary Brown, you must come along with me.


s: And I think this young man is lucky to be free.


s: I took that young gurl to A'Beckett the Beak;


s: But never a sullable said Mary said she.


s: On account of her conduck so base and so vile,


s: That wicked young gurl is committed for trile,


s: And if she's transpawted beyond the salt sea,


s: It's a proper reward for such willians as she.


s: Now, yon young gurls of Southwark for Mary who veep,


s: From pickin and stealin your ands you must keep,


s: Or it may be my dooty, as it was Thursday veek


s: To pull you all hup to A'Beckett the Beak.


s: likevise vere they kep their things, and


s: Prigs their boots, and hats, and clothes


s: Say the brave old Duke, "Come tell to us


s: Come, all ye Christian people, and listen to my tail,


s: It is all about a Doctor was traveling by the rail,


s: By the Heastern Counties Railway (vich the shares don't desire),


s: From Ixworth town in Suffolk, vich his name did not transpire.


s: A traveling from Bury this Doctor was employed


s: She entered into the carriage all with a tottering step,


s: And a pooty little Bayby upon her bussum slep;


s: The gentlemen received her with kindness and siwillaty,


s: Pitying this lady for her illness and debillaty.


s: She had a fust-class ticket, this lovely lady said,


s: Because it was so lonesome she took a secknd instead.


s: Better to travel by secknd class than sit alone in the fust,


s: And the pooty little Baby upon her breast she nust.


s: A seein of her cryin, and shiverin and pail,


s: To her spoke this surging, the Ero of my tail;


s: Saysee you look unwell, ma'am, I'll elp you if I can,


s: And you may tell your case to me, for I'm a meddicle man.


s: "Thank you, sir," the lady said, "I only look so pale,


s: Because I ain't accustom'd to traveling on the rale;


s: I shall be better presnly, when I've ad some rest:"


s: And that pooty little Baby she squeeged it to her breast.


s: So in conwersation the journey they beguiled,


s: Capting Loyd and the medical man, and the lady and the child,


s: Till the warious stations along the line was passed,


s: For even the Heastern Counties' trains must come in at last.


s: When at Shorediteh tumminus at lenth stopped the train,


s: This kind meddicle gentleman proposed his aid again.


s: "Thank you, sir," the lady said, "for your kyindness dear;


s: My carridge and my osses is probbibly come here.


s: "Will you old this baby, please, vilst I step and see?"


s: The Doctor was a famly man: "That I will," says he.


s: Then the little child she kist, kist it very gently,


s: Vich was sucking his little fist, sleeping innocently.


s: With a sigh from her art, as though she would have bust it,


s: Then she gave the Doctor the child--wery kind he nust it;


s: Hup then the lady jumped hoff the bench she sat from,


s: Tumbled down the carridge steps and ran along the platform.


s: Vile hall the other passengers vent upon their vays,


s: The Capting and the Doctor sat there in a maze;


s: Some vent in a Homminibus, some vent in a Cabby,


s: The Capting and the Doctor vaited with the babby.


s: There they sat looking queer, for an hour or more,


s: But their feller passinger neather on 'em sore:


s: Never, never back again did that lady come


s: To that pooty sleeping Hinfant a suckin of his Thum!


s: What could this pore Doctor do, bein treated thus,


s: When the darling baby woke, cryin for its nuss?


s: Off he drove to a female friend, vich she was both kind and mild,


s: That kind lady took the child instantly in her lap,


s: And made it very comforable by giving it some pap;


s: And when she took its close off, what d'you think she found?


s: A couple of ten pun notes sown up, in its little gownd!


s: Also, in its little close, was a note which did conwey,


s: That this little baby's parents lived in a handsome way:


s: And for its Headucation they reglary would pay,


s: And sirtingly like gentle-folks would claim the child one day,


s: If the Christian people who'd charge of it would say,


s: Per adwertisement in the TIMES, where the baby lay.


s: It had such pooty ways and such a pooty look;


s: And there came a lady forrard (I wish that I could see


s: Any kind lady as would do as much for me,


s: And I wish with all my art, some night in MY night gownd,


s: I could find a note stitched for ten or twenty pound)--


s: There came a lady forrard, that most honorable did say,


s: She'd adopt this little baby, which her parents cast away.


s: While the Doctor pondered on this hoffer fair,


s: Comes a letter from Devonshire, from a party there,


s: Hordering the Doctor, at its Mar's desire,


s: To send the little infant back to Devonshire.


s: Lost in apoplexity, this pore meddicle man,


s: Like a sensable gentleman, to the Justice ran;


s: Which his name was Mr. Hammill, a honorable beak,


s: That takes his seat in Worship-street four times a week.


s: "O Justice!" says the Doctor, "Instrugt me what to do,


s: I've come up from the country, to throw myself on you;


s: My patients have no doctor to tend them in their ills,


s: (There they are in Suffolk without their draffts and pills!)


s: "I've come up from the country, to know how I'll dispose


s: Up spoke Mr. Hammill, sittin at his desk,


s: "This year application does me much perplesk;


s: What I do adwise you, is to leave this babby


s: In the Parish where it was left, by its mother shabby."


s: The Doctor from his Worship sadly did depart--


s: He might have left the baby, but he hadn't got the heart


s: To go for to leave that Hinnocent, has the laws allows,


s: To the tender mussies of the Union House.


s: Mother who left this little one on a stranger's knee,


s: Think how cruel you have been, and how good was he!


s: Think, if you've been guilty, innocent was she;


s: And do not take unkindly this little word of me:


s: Heaven be merciful to us all, sinners as we be!


s: The night was stormy and dark, The town was shut up in


s: sleep: Only those were abroad who were out on a lark,  Or


s: I pass'd through the lonely street, The wind did sing and


s: blow; I could hear the policeman's feet Clapping to and fro.


s: There stood a potato-man  In the midst of all the wet;  He


s: stood with his 'tato-can  In the lonely Haymarket.


s: Two gents of dismal mien.  And dark and greasy rags,  Came


s: out of a shop for gin  Swaggering over the flags:


s: And I went and followed those seedy ones,


s: _I_ always write for five hundred shares,


s: "I WOULD have wrote," says Jack, "but where


s: This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin',


s: A chap could clear right out from there ef 't only looked like


s: Ef he fired away his ramrod arter tu much rum an' water.


s: Recollect wut fun we hed, you 'n I an' Ezry Hollis,


s: Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis?


s: (Wy I've worked out to slarterin' some for Deacon Cephas Billins,


s: It's glory--but, in spite o' all my tryin to git callous,


s: I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus.


s: But when it comes to BEIN' killed--I tell ye I felt streaked


s: The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked,


s: Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fandango,


s: The sentinul he ups an' sez, "Thet's furder 'an you can go"


s: I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us;


s: Caleb haint to monopoly to court the seenoreetas;


s: My folks to hum air full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!"


s: An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin'; wut would folly,


s: The everlatin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me


s: An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I wuz an in'my.


s: Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in ole Funnel


s: Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle


s: (It's Mister Secondary Bolles,* thet writ the prize peace essay,


s: Thet's wy he didn't list himself along o' us, I dessay),


s: An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but dont' put HIS foot in it,