s: Worship mighty Mumbo Jumbo, in the mountains of the Moon.


s: I, myself, in far Timbuctoo, leopard's blood will daily quaff,


s: Ride a-tiger-hunting, mounted on a thorough-bred giraffe.


s: Fool! Again, the dream, the fancy! But I know my words are mad,


s: For I hold the gray barbarian lower than the Christian cad.


s: I, the swell, the city dandy! I to seek such horrid places,


s: I to wed with Coromantees! I, who managed--very near--


s: To secure the heart and fortune of the widow Shillibeer!


s: Stuff and nonsense! Let me never fling a single chance away.


s: Maids ere now, I know, have loved me, and another maiden may.


s: "|Wanted|--By a bard in wedlock, some young interesting woman.


s: Looks are not so much an object, if the shiners be forthcoming!


s: The blight, the wind, the sun, or shower


s: I've wander'd the wild waste of slaughter,


s: So strange are the sights that I've seen,


s: There were three sailors of Bristol City


s: But first with beef and captain's biscuits,


s: There was gorging Jack, and guzzling Jimmy,


s: Now when they'd got as far as the Equator


s: There's little Bill, he's young and tender,


s: "O Billy! we're going to kill and eat you,


s: "Make haste! make haste!" says guzzling Jimmy,


s: Then Bill went up to the main-top-gallant-mast,


s: He scarce had come to the Twelfth Commandment


s: There's the British flag a-riding at anchor,


s: So when they got aboard of the Admiral's,


s: An igstrawnary tail I vill tell you this veek--


s: I stood in the Court of A'Beckett the Beak,


s: Who charged Mary Brown with a robbin' of she.


s: And she came to Mrs. Roney it's more than twelve monce


s: She adn't got no bed, nor no dinner, nor no tea,


s: And kind Mrs. Roney gave Mary all three.


s: Mrs. Roney kep Mary for ever so many veeks


s: (Her conduct disgusted the best of all Beax),


s: She kept her for nothink, as kind as could be,


s: Never thinking that this Mary was a traitor to she.


s: "Mrs. Roney, O Mrs. Roney, I feel very ill;


s: Will you jest step to the doctor's for to fetch me a pill?"


s: "That I will, my pore Mary," Mrs. Roney says she:


s: And she goes off to the doctor's as quickly as may be.


s: No sooner on this message Mrs. Roney was sped,


s: Than hup gits vicked Mary, and jumps out a bed;


s: She hopens all the trunks without never a key--


s: She bustes all the boxes, and vith them makes free.


s: Mrs. Roney's best linning gownds, petticoats, and close,


s: Her children's little coats and things, her boots and her hose,


s: She packed them, and she stole 'em, and avay vith them did flee


s: Mrs. Roney's situation--you may think vat it vould be!


s: Of Mary, ungrateful, who had served her this vay,


s: Mrs. Roney heard nothink for a long year and a day,


s: Till last Thursday, in Lambeth, ven whom should she see?


s: But this Mary, as had acted so ungrateful to she.


s: She was leaning on the helbo of a worthy young man;


s: They were going to be married, and were walkin hand in hand;


s: And the church-bells was a ringing for Mary and he,


s: And the parson was ready, and a waitin' for his fee.


s: When up comes Mrs. Roney, and faces Mary Brown,


s: Who trembles, and castes her eyes upon the ground.


s: She calls a jolly pleaseman, it happens to be me;


s: I charge this young woman, Mr. Pleaseman, says she.


s: I acted most ungrateful I own, and I know,


s: But the marriage bell is ringin, and the ring you may see,


s: And this young man is a waitin, says Mary, says she.


s: I don't care three fardens for the parson and clark,


s: And the bell may keep ringing from noon day to dark.


s: Mary Brown, Mary Brown, you must come along with me.


s: And I think this young man is lucky to be free.


s: I took that young gurl to A'Beckett the Beak;


s: But never a sullable said Mary said she.


s: On account of her conduck so base and so vile,


s: That wicked young gurl is committed for trile,


s: And if she's transpawted beyond the salt sea,


s: It's a proper reward for such willians as she.


s: Now, you young gurls of Southwark for Mary who veep,


s: From pickin and stealin your ands you must keep,


s: Or it may be my dooty, as it was Thursday veek


s: To pull you all hup to A'Beckett the Beak.


s: Of a notable prince, that was called King John;


s: And he ruled England with maine and with might,


s: For he did great wrong, and maintein'd little right.


s: And Ile tell you a story, a story so merrye,


s: How for his house-keeping, and high renowne,


s: They rode poste for him to fair London towne.


s: And fifty golde chaynes, without any doubt,


s: In velvet coates waited the abbot about.


s: How now, father abbot, I heare it of thee,


s: Thou keepest a farre better house than mee,


s: And for thy house-keeping and high renowne,


s: I feare thou work'st treason against my crown.


s: My liege, quo' the abbot, I would it were knowne,


s: I never spend nothing but what is my owne;


s: And I trust your grace will doe me no deere


s: For spending of my owne true-gotten geere.


s: Yes, yes, father abbot, thy fault it is highe,


s: And now for the same thou needest must dye;


s: For except thou canst answer me questions three,


s: Thy head shall be smitten from thy bodie.


s: And first, quo' the king, when I'm in this stead,


s: With my crowne of golde so faire on my head,


s: Among all my liege-men, so noble of birthe,


s: Thou must tell me to one penny what I am worthe.


s: How soone I may ride the whole world about,


s: And at the third question thou must not shrink,


s: O, these are hard questions for my shallow witt,


s: But if you will give me but three weekes space,


s: Ile do my endeavour to answer your grace.


s: Now three weeks space to thee will I give.


s: And that is the longest time thou hast to live;


s: For if thou dost not answer my questions three,


s: Thy lands and thy livings are forfeit to mee.


s: Away rode the abbot, all sad at that word,


s: That could with his learning an answer devise.


s: Then home rode the abbot, of comfort so cold,


s: And he mett his shepheard agoing to fold:


s: How now, my lord abbot, you are welcome home


s: What newes do you bring us from good King John?


s: Sad newes, sad newes, shepheard, I must give:


s: That I have but three days more to live;


s: For if I do not answer him questions three,


s: The first is to tell him there in that stead,


s: With his crowne of golde so fair on his head


s: Among all his liege-men so noble of birth,


s: To within one penny of what he is worth.


s: The seconde, to tell him, without any doubt,


s: How soone he may ride this whole world about:


s: And at the third question I must not shrinke,


s: But tell him there truly what he does thinke.


s: Now cheare up, sire abbot, did you never hear yet,


s: That a fool he may learne a wise man witt?


s: Lend me horse, and serving-men, and your apparel,


s: And I'll ride to London to answere your quarrel.


s: Nay frowne not, if it hath bin told unto mee,


s: I am like your lordship, as ever may bee:


s: There is none shall knowe us in fair London towne.


s: Now horses and serving-men thou shalt have,


s: With sumptuous array most gallant and brave;


s: With crozier, and miter, and rochet, and cope,


s: Fit to appears 'fore our fader the pope.


s: Now welcome, sire abbot, the king he did say,


s: 'Tis well thou'rt come back to keepe thy day;


s: For and if thou canst answer my questions three,


s: Thy life and thy living both saved shall bee.


s: And first, when thou seest me here in this stead,


s: With my crown of golde so fair on my head,


s: Among all my liege-men so noble of birthe,


s: For I thinke, thou art one penny worser than hee.


s: The king he laughed, and swore by St. Bittel,


s: I did not think I had been worth so littel!


s: --Now secondly tell me, without any doubt,


s: How soone I may ride this whole world about.


s: You must rise with the sun, and ride with the same,


s: Until the next morning he riseth againe;


s: And then your grace need not make any doubt


s: But in twenty-four hours you'll ride it about.


s: The king he laughed, and swore by St. Jone,


s: I did not think it could be gone so soone!


s: --Now from the third question thou must not shrinke,


s: But tell me here truly what I do thinke.


s: Yea, that shall I do, and make your grace merry:


s: But I'm his poor shepheard, as plain you may see,


s: That am come to beg pardon for him and for mee.


s: The king he laughed, and swore by the masse,


s: Ile make thee lord abbot this day in his place!


s: Now naye, my liege, be not in such speede,


s: For alacke I can neither write, ne reade.


s: Four nobles a week, then, I will give thee,


s: For this merry jest thou hast showne unto mee:


s: And tell the old abbot, when thou comest home,


s: Thou hast brought him a pardon from good King John.


s: Still had she gaz'd, but, 'midst the tide,


s: She stretched in vain to reach the prize:


s: Not all that tempts your wandering eyes,


s: I was in Margate last July, I walk'd upon the pier,


s: I saw a little vulgar Boy--I said "What make you here?--


s: The gloom upon your youthful cheek speaks any thing but joy;"


s: Again I said, "What make you here, you little vulgar Boy?"


s: He frown'd, that little vulgar Boy--he deem'd I meant to scoff:


s: And when the little heart is big, a little "sets it off";


s: He put his finger in his mouth, his little bosom rose,--


s: He had no little handkerchief to wipe his little nose!


s: The tear-drop in his little eye again began to spring,


s: His bosom throbb'd with agony--he cried like any thing!


s: I stoop'd, and thus amidst his sobs I heard him murmur--"Ah


s: I haven't got no supper! and I haven't got no Ma'!!--


s: "My father, he is on the seas,--my mother's dead and gone!


s: And I am here, on this here pier, to roam the world alone;


s: I have not had, this live-long day, one drop to cheer my heart,


s: Nor '_brown_' to buy a bit of bread with,--let alone a tart.


s: "If there's a soul will give me food, or find me in employ,


s: By day or night, then blow me tight!" (he was a vulgar Boy);


s: "And now I'm here, from this here pier it is my fixed intent


s: To jump, as Mr. Levi did from off the Monu-ment!"


s: "Cheer up! cheer up! my little man--cheer up!" I kindly said.


s: "You are a naughty boy to take such things into your head:


s: "Come home with me, my little man, come home with me and sup;


s: My landlady is Mrs. Jones--we must not keep her up--


s: There's roast potatoes on the fire,--enough for me and you--


s: Come home,--you little vulgar Boy--I lodge at Number 2."


s: I took him home to Number 2, the house beside "The Foy,"


s: I bade him wipe his dirty shoes,--that little vulgar Boy,--


s: And then I said to Mistress Jones, the kindest of her sex,


s: "Pray be so good as go and fetch a pint of double X!"


s: But Mrs. Jones was rather cross, she made a little noise,


s: She said she "did not like to wait on little vulgar Boys."


s: She with her apron wiped the plates, and, as she rubb'd the delf,


s: I did not go to Jericho--I went to Mr. Cobb--


s: I changed a shilling--(which in town the people call "a Bob")--


s: It was not so much for myself as for that vulgar child--


s: And I said, "A pint of double X, and please to draw it mild!"


s: When I came back I gazed about--I gazed on stool and chair--


s: I could not see my little friend--because he was not there!


s: I peep'd beneath the table-cloth--beneath the sofa too--


s: I said "You little vulgar Boy! why what's become of you?"


s: I could not see my table-spoons--I look'd, but could not see


s: The little fiddle-pattern'd ones I use when I'm at tea;


s: --I could not see my sugar-tongs--my silver watch--oh, dear!


s: I know 'twas on the mantle-piece when I went out for beer.


s: I could not see my Mackintosh!--it was not to be seen!


s: My roast potatoes!--all are gone!--and so's that vulgar Boy!


s: I rang the bell for Mrs. Jones, for she was down below,


s: "--Oh, Mrs. Jones! what _do_ you think?--ain't this a pretty go?


s: --That horrid little vulgar Boy whom I brought here to-night,


s: --He's stolen my things and run away!!"--Says she, "And sarve you


s: Next morning I was up betimes--I sent the Crier round,


s: All with his bell and gold-laced hat, to say I'd give a pound


s: To find that little vulgar Boy, who'd gone and used me so;


s: But when the Crier cried "O Yes!" the people cried, "O No!"


s: I went to "Jarvis' Landing-place," the glory of the town,


s: There was a common sailor-man a-walking up and down;


s: I told my tale--he seem'd to think I'd not been treated well,


s: And called me "Poor old Buffer!" what that means I cannot tell.


s: That sailor-man, he said he'd seen that morning on the shore,


s: A son of--something--'twas a name I'd never heard before,


s: A little "gallows-looking chap"--dear me; what could he mean?


s: And then he hitch'd his trowsers up, as is, I'm told, their use,


s: I did not understand him well, but think he meant to say


s: He'd seen that little vulgar Boy, that morning swim away


s: In Captain Large's Royal George about an hour before,


s: And they were now, as he supposed, "some_wheres_" about the Nore.


s: A landsman said, "I _twig_ the chap--he's been upon the Mill--


s: And 'cause he _gammons_ so the flats, ve calls him Veeping Bill!"


s: I went and told the constable my property to track;


s: He asked me if "I did not wish that I might get it back?"


s: I answered, "To be sure I do!--it's what I come about."


s: Not knowing what to do, I thought I'd hasten back to town,


s: He sent for Mr. Whithair then, and I described "the swag,"


s: My Mackintosh, my sugar-tongs, my spoons, and carpet-bag;


s: He promised that the New Police should all their powers employ;


s: But never to this hour have I beheld that vulgar Boy!


s: Remember, then, what when a boy I've heard my Grandma' tell,


s: Don't take too much of double X!--and don't at night go out


s: Give my respects to Mrs. Jones, and say I'm pretty well!


s: In Broad Street Buildings on a winter night,


s: The _Public Ledger_, in whose columns grubbing,


s: Tar, tallow, turmeric, turpentine, and tin;


s: "Your footman, sir, has gone his nightly track


s: And thought it neighborly to give you notice."


s: He knows, too (the unconscionable elf!),


s: That there's no soul at home except myself."


s: "Indeed," replied the stranger (looking grave),


s: He knows that rogues and thieves by scores


s: Blow out your candles--_thus_--and _thus_--


s: So said, so done; he made no more remark


s: John Gilpin was a citizen of credit and renown;


s: A train-band captain eke was he, of famous London town.


s: "To-morrow is our wedding-day, and we will then repair


s: Unto the Bell at Edmonton all in a chaise and pair.


s: "My sister, and my sister's child, myself, and children three,


s: Will fill the chaise; so you must ride on horseback after we."


s: He soon replied, "I do admire of womankind but one,


s: And you are she, my dearest dear; therefore it shall be done.


s: "I am a linendraper bold, as all the world doth know;


s: And my good friend, the calender, will lend his horse to go."


s: Quoth Mrs. Gilpin, "That's well said; and, for that wine is dear,


s: John Gilpin kissed his loving wife; o'erjoyed was he to find


s: That, though on pleasure she was bent, she had a frugal mind.


s: The morning came, the chaise was brought, but yet was not allowed


s: John Gilpin at his horse's side seized fast the flowing mane,


s: And up he got, in haste to ride--but soon came down again:


s: For saddletree scarce reached had he, his journey to begin,


s: When, turning round his head, he saw three customers come in.


s: So down he came: for loss of time, although it grieved him sore,


s: 'Twas long before the customers were suited to their mind;


s: Now Mistress Gilpin (careful soul!) had two stone bottles found,


s: To hold the liquor that she loved, and keep it safe and sound.


s: Each bottle had a curling ear, through which the belt he drew,


s: And hung a bottle on each side to make his balance true.


s: Then over all, that he might be equipped from top to toe,


s: His long red cloak, well brushed and neat, he manfully did throw.


s: Now see him mounted once again upon his nimble steed,


s: Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, with caution and good heed.


s: But finding soon a smoother road beneath his well-shod feet,


s: The snorting beast began to trot, which galled him in his seat.


s: So, "Fair and softly," John he cried, but John he cried in vain;


s: That trot became a gallop soon, in spite of curb and rein.


s: So stooping down, as needs he must who cannot sit upright,


s: His horse, who never in that sort had handled been before,


s: What thing upon his back had got did wonder more and more.


s: Away went Gilpin, neck or nought; away went hat and wig;


s: He little dreamt, when he set out, of running such a rig.


s: The wind did blow--the cloak did fly, like streamer long and gay;


s: Then might all people well discern the bottles he had slung--


s: A bottle swinging at each side, as hath been said or sung.


s: Away went Gilpin--who but he? His fame soon spread around--


s: "He carries weight! he rides a race! 'Tis for a thousand pound!"


s: And still as fast as he drew near, 'twas wonderful to view


s: How in a trice the turnpike men their gates wide open threw.


s: And now, as he went bowing down his reeking head full low,


s: The bottles twain behind his back were shattered at a blow.


s: Down ran the wine into the road, most piteous to be seen,


s: Which made his horse's flanks to smoke as they had basted been.


s: But still he seemed to carry weight, with leathern girdle braced;


s: Thus all through merry Islington these gambols did he play,


s: Until he came unto the Wash of Edmonton so gay;


s: And there he threw the wash about on both sides of the way,


s: Just like unto a trundling mop, or a wild goose at play.


s: At Edmonton his loving wife from the balcony spied


s: Her tender husband, wondering much to see how he did ride.


s: But yet his horse was not a whit inclined to tarry there;


s: For why?--his owner had a house full ten miles off, at Ware.


s: So like an arrow swift he flew, shot by an archer strong:


s: So did he fly--which brings me to the middle of my song.


s: Away went Gilpin out of breath, and sore against his will,


s: Till at his friend the calender's his horse at last stood still.


s: The calender, amazed to see his neighbor in such trim,


s: Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate, and thus accosted him:


s: Now Gilpin had a pleasant wit, and loved a timely joke;


s: And thus unto the calender in merry guise he spoke:


s: "I came because your horse would come; and, if I well forebode,


s: My hat and wig will soon be here, they are upon the road."


s: The calender, right glad to find his friend in merry pin,


s: Returned him not a single word, but to the house went in;


s: He held them up, and in his turn thus showed his ready wit--


s: "My head is twice as big as yours, they therefore needs must fit.


s: "But let me scrape the dirt away that hangs upon your face,


s: And stop and eat, for well you may be in a hungry case."


s: Said John, "It is my wedding-day, and all the world would stare,


s: If wife should dine at Edmonton, and I should dine at Ware."


s: So, turning to his horse, he said, "I am in haste to dine;


s: Whereat his horse did snort, as he had heard a lion roar,


s: And galloped off with all his might, as he had done before.


s: Away went Gilpin, and away went Gilpin's hat and wig:


s: He lost them sooner than at first, for why?--they were too big.


s: Now Mistress Gilpin, when she saw her husband posting down


s: Into the country far away, she pulled out half a crown;


s: And thus unto the youth she said, that drove them to the Bell,


s: The youth did ride, and soon did meet John coming back amain--


s: Whom in a trice he tried to stop, by catching at his rein;


s: But not performing what he meant, and gladly would have done,


s: The frighted steed he frighted more, and made him faster run.


s: Away went Gilpin, and away went post-boy at his heels,


s: Six gentlemen upon the road, thus seeing Gilpin fly,


s: And now the turnpike gates again flew open in short space;


s: The tollmen thinking, as before, that Gilpin rode a race.


s: And so he did, and won it, too, for he got first to town;


s: Nor stopped till where he had got up he did again get down.


s: Now let us sing, long live the king! and Gilpin, long live he;


s: And when he next doth ride abroad, may I be there to see!


s: Stole from a priest a fat pullet, they say,


s: "Your riv'rince," says Paddy, "I stole this fat hen."


s: "What, what!" says the priest, "at your ould thricks again?


s: Faith, you'd rather be staalin' than sayin' _amen_,


s: "Sure, you wouldn't be angry," says Pat, "if you knew


s: That the best of intintions I had in my view--


s: For I stole it to make it a present to you,


s: "Do you think," says the priest, "I'd partake of your theft?


s: Of your seven small senses you must be bereft--


s: You're the biggest blackguard that I know, right and left,


s: "Then what shall I do with the pullet," says Pat,


s: "If your riv'rince won't take it? By this and by that


s: I don't know no more than a dog or a cat


s: What your riv'rince would have me be afther."


s: "Why, then," says his rev'rence, "you sin-blinded owl,


s: Give back to the man that you stole from his fowl:


s: For if you do not, 'twill be worse for your sowl,


s: Says Paddy, "I ask'd him to take it--'tis thrue


s: As this minit I'm talkin', your riv'rince, to you;


s: But he wouldn't resaive it--so what can I do?"


s: "By my throth," says the priest, "but the case is absthruse;


s: If he won't take his hen, why the man is a goose:


s: 'Tis not the first time my advice was no use,


s: "But, for sake of your sowl, I would sthrongly advise


s: To some one in want you would give your supplies--


s: Some widow, or orphan, with tears in their eyes;


s: And _then_ you may come to _me_ afther."


s: So Paddy went off to the brisk Widow Hoy,


s: And the pullet between them was eaten with joy,


s: And, says she, "'Pon my word you're the cleverest boy,


s: Then Paddy went back to the priest the next day,


s: To a poor lonely widow, in want and dismay,


s: "Well, now," says the priest, "I'll absolve you, my lad,


s: For repentantly making the best of the bad,


s: In feeding the hungry and cheering the sad,


s: Supped, frolicked, late retired to rest,


s: "What wonder? where?" "The clock, the clock!"


s: "You mean the clock that's ticking there?


s: But, if you please, what wonder's in it?"


s: Tom scratched his head and tried to think.


s: Still,--'_Here she goes, and there she goes_.'


s: With--"_Here she goes, and there she goes_!"


s: "Hold!" said the Yankee, "Plank the ready!"


s: Thought he, "The fools! I'll bite them yet!


s: Of--_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_


s: Those words,--that motion,--are you mad?


s: But here's your wife, perhaps she knows,


s: The--_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_


s: "Lawks!" screamed the wife, "I'm in a whirl!


s: The doctors came, and looked, and wondered,


s: And shook their heads, and paused and pondered.


s: "Thanks, mother!" thought her clever son;


s: "You help the knaves that would have bit me,


s: But,--_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_


s: So hold him, gemmen, while I shave him!"


s: What means that smile? what means that shiver?


s: The landlord's limbs with rapture quiver,


s: And up he starts,--"'Tis mine! 'tis mine!"


s: With a purse of gold and a silver tongue;


s: His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes,


s: For he hated high colors--except on his nose,


s: And the traveller nothing was loth, I think,


s: Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath,


s: And the Quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth,


s: And he asked, "Art thee going to ride on the heath?"


s: "I hope you'll protect me, kind sir," said the maid,


s: "As to ride this heath over, I'm sadly afraid;


s: For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound,


s: And I wouldn't for anything I should be found,


s: For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound."


s: "If that is thee own, dear," the Quaker, he said,


s: "I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed;


s: And I have another five hundred just now,


s: In the padding that's under my saddle-bow,


s: And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!"


s: The maiden she smil'd, and her rein she drew,


s: "Your offer I'll take, but I'll not take you,"


s: A pistol she held at the Quaker's head--


s: "Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead,


s: 'Tis under the saddle, I think you said."


s: The damsel she ripped up the saddle-bow,


s: And the Quaker was never a quaker till now!


s: And he saw, by the fair one he wished for a bride,


s: His purse borne away with a swaggering stride,


s: And the eye that shamm'd tender, now only defied.


s: "The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim," quoth she,


s: "To take all this filthy temptation from thee,


s: For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting,


s: Accept from thy maiden this right-loving greeting,


s: For much doth she profit by this Quaker's meeting!


s: "And hark! jolly Quaker, so rosy and sly,


s: Have righteousness, more than a wench, in thine eye;


s: Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath,


s: Remember the one that you met on the heath,


s: Her name's Jimmy Barlow, I tell to your teeth."


s: "Friend James," quoth the Quaker, "pray listen to me,


s: For thou canst confer a great favor, d'ye see;


s: The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend,


s: But my master's; and truly on thee I depend,


s: To make it appear I my trust did defend.


s: "So fire a few shots thro' my clothes, here and there,


s: To make it appear 'twas a desp'rate affair."


s: So Jim he popp'd first through the skirt of his coat,


s: And then through his collar--quite close to his throat;


s: "Now one thro' my broadbrim," quoth Ephraim, "I vote."


s: "I have but a brace," said bold Jim, "and they're spent,


s: And I won't load again for a make-believe rent."--


s: "Then!"--said Ephraim, producing his pistols, "just give


s: My five hundred pounds back, or, as sure as you live,


s: I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve."


s: Jim Barlow was diddled--and, tho' he was game,


s: He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim,


s: That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers,


s: And when the whole story got into the papers,


s: They said that "_the thieves were no match for the Quakers_."


s: Exclaimed, "'Tis time to stop that breath;


s: Thou stand'st condemned to certain death:


s: Replied the wretch, and kissed the dust.


s: Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay,


s: And then, of a sudden, it--ah, but stay,


s: I'll tell you what happened without delay,--


s: Frightening the people out of their wits--


s: That the Deacon finished his one-hoss shay.


s: Now in building of chaises, I'll tell you what,


s: There is always _somewhere_ a weakest spot--


s: In hub, tire, or felloe, in spring or thill,


s: In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill,


s: In screw, bolt, thorough brace--lurking still,


s: A chaise _breaks down_, but doesn't _wear out_.


s: With an "I dew vam" or an "I tell _yeou_"),


s: He would build one shay to beat the taown


s: 'n' the keounty 'n' all the kentry raoun';


s: It should be so built that it _couldna'_ break daown;


s: --"Fur," said the Deacon, "'t's mighty plain


s: That the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain;


s: T' make that place uz strong uz the rest."


s: So the deacon inquired of the village folk


s: That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke--


s: That was for spokes and floor and sills;


s: He sent for lancewood to make the thills;


s: The cross-bars were ash, from the straightest trees;


s: The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese,


s: But lasts like iron for things like these;


s: The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum"--


s: Last of its timber--they couldn't sell 'em,


s: And the wedges flew from between their lips;


s: Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;


s: Thorough-broke bison-skin, thick and wide;


s: "There!" said the deacon, "naow she'll dew!"


s: Children and grandchildren--where were they!


s: But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay


s: The deacon's masterpiece strong and sound.


s: In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth,


s: Take it--you're welcome.--No extra charge.)


s: |First of November|--The Earthquake-day--


s: There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,


s: That there wasn't a chance for one to start.


s: For the wheels were just as strong as the thills,


s: And the floor was just as strong as the sills,


s: And the panels just as strong as the floor,


s: And the whippletree neither less nor more,


s: And the back-crossbar as strong as the fore,


s: And yet, _as a whole_ it is past a doubt


s: "Huddup!" said the parson.--Off went they.


s: The parson was working his Sunday's text--


s: Had got to _fifthly_, and stopped perplexed


s: At half-past nine by the meet'n'-house clock--


s: As if it had been to the mill and ground!


s: You see, of course, if you're not a dunce,


s: It was a tall young oysterman lived by the river-side;


s: His shop was just upon the bank, his boat was on the tide.


s: The daughter of a fisherman, that was so straight and slim,


s: Lived over on the other bank, right opposite to him.


s: It was the pensive oysterman that saw a lovely maid,


s: Upon a moonlight evening, a-sitting in the shade;


s: He saw her wave her handkerchief, as much as if to say,


s: "I'm wide awake, young oysterman, and all the folks away."


s: Then up arose the oysterman, and to himself said he,


s: Leander swam the Hellespont--and I will swim this here."


s: And he has leaped into the waves, and crossed the shining stream,


s: O there were kisses sweet as dew, and words as soft as rain--


s: But they have heard her father's step, and in he leaps again!


s: Out spoke the ancient fisherman--"O what was that, my daughter?"


s: "'Twas nothing but a pebble, sir, I threw into the water."


s: "And what is that, pray tell me, love, that paddles off so fast?"


s: Out spoke the ancient fisherman--"Now bring me my harpoon!


s: I'll get into my fishing-boat, and fix the fellow soon."


s: Down fell that pretty innocent, as falls a snow-white lamb;


s: Alas for those two loving ones! she waked not from her swound,


s: And he was taken with the cramp, and in, the waves was drowned;


s: But Fate has metamorphosed them, in pity of their wo,


s: And now they keep an oyster-shop for mermaids down below.


s: A traveller came to the Well of St. Keyne,


s: For from cock-crow he had been travelling,


s: He drank of the water so cool and clear,


s: "Now art thou a bachelor, stranger?" quoth he,


s: The happiest draught thou hast drank this day


s: "Or hast thy good woman, if one thou hast,


s: For an if she have, I'll venture my life


s: She has drank of the Well of St. Keyne."


s: "I have left a good woman who never was here,"


s: "But that my draught should be the better for that


s: "St. Keyne," quoth the Cornishman, "many a time


s: "But if the wife should drink of it first,


s: The stranger stooped to the Well of St. Keyne,


s: "You drank of the well, I warrant, betimes?"


s: But the Cornishman smiled as the stranger spake,


s: "I hasten'd as soon as the wedding was done,


s: But i' faith she had been wiser than me,


s: The Jackdaw sat on the Cardinal's chair!


s: Bishop, and Abbot, and Prior were there;


s: With a great many more of lesser degree--


s: And they served the Lord Primate on bended knee,


s: Read of in books, or dreamt of in dreams,


s: Where, in state, the great Lord Cardinal sat


s: In the great Lord Cardinal's great red hat;


s: With a satisfied look, as if he would say,


s: "We two are the greatest folks here to-day!"


s: Said, "The devil must be in that little Jackdaw!"


s: The feast was over, the board was cleared,


s: And six little singing-boys--dear little souls!


s: In nice clean faces, and nice white stoles,


s: As any that flows between Rheims and Namur,


s: Which a nice little boy stood ready to catch


s: In a fine golden hand-basin made to match.


s: Two nice little boys, rather more grown,


s: Carried lavender-water and eau-de-Cologne;


s: And a nice little boy had a nice cake of soap,


s: Worthy of washing the hands of the Pope.


s: Of the best white diaper, fringed with pink,


s: And a cardinal's hat marked in "permanent ink."


s: The great Lord Cardinal turns at the sight


s: Of these nice little boys dressed all in white:


s: And, not thinking at all about little Jackdaws,


s: While the nice little boys on his Eminence wait;


s: Till, when nobody's dreaming of any such thing,


s: That little Jackdaw hops off with the ring!


s: And nobody seems to know what they're about,


s: But the monks have their pockets all turned inside out;


s: The carpet, the floor, and the walls, and the ceiling.


s: And left his red stockings exposed to the view;


s: They turn up the dishes, they turn up the plates,


s: They take up the poker and poke out the grates,


s: And the Abbot declared that "when nobody twigged it,


s: Some rascal or other had popped in and prigged it."


s: The Cardinal rose with a dignified look,


s: He called for his candle, his bell, and his book!


s: He cursed him at board, he cursed him in bed;


s: From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head;


s: He cursed him in sleeping, that every night


s: He should dream of the devil, and wake in a fright;


s: He cursed him in eating, he cursed him in drinking,


s: He cursed him in coughing, in sneezing, in winking;


s: He cursed him in sitting, in standing, in lying;


s: He cursed him in walking, in riding, in flying;


s: He cursed him in living, he cursed him in dying!--


s: The monks and the friars they searched till dawn;


s: Come limping a poor little lame Jackdaw;


s: His feathers all seemed to be turned the wrong way;


s: His pinions drooped, he could hardly stand,


s: His head was as bald as the palm of your hand;


s: That, heedless of grammar, they all cried "|That's him|!


s: That's the scamp that has done this scandalous thing!


s: That's the thief that has got my Lord Cardinal's ring!"


s: And turned his bald head, as much as to say,


s: Till they came to the back of the belfry door,


s: Was the |RING| in the nest of that little Jackdaw!


s: Then the great Lord Cardinal called for his book,


s: And, being thus coupled with full restitution,


s: Was so changed in a moment, 'twas really absurd;


s: A fresh crop of feathers came thick as a mat!


s: But no longer it wagged with an impudent air,


s: No longer he perched on the Cardinal's chair,


s: At matins, at vespers, he never was out;


s: And, so far from any more pilfering deeds,


s: He always seemed telling the Confessor's beads.


s: Or slumbered in prayer-time and happened to snore,


s: As much as to say, "Don't do so any more!"


s: While many remarked, as his manners they saw,


s: That they "never had known such a pious Jackdaw!"


s: And at last in the odour of sanctity died;


s: The Conclave determined to make him a Saint;


s: And on newly-made Saints and Popes, as you know,


s: It's the custom, at Rome, new names to bestow,


s: So they canonised him by the name of Jim Crow!


s: And Sir Thomas, her lord, was stout of limb,


s: And his cough was short, and his eyes were dim,


s: And he wore green "specs" with a tortoise shell rim,


s: And his hat was remarkably broad in the brim,


s: And wherever they went, or wherever they came,


s: Every one hailed them with loudest acclaim;


s: All sorts of pleasure, and no sort of pain,


s: To Sir Thomas the good, and the fair Lady Janel


s: Now Sir Thomas the good, be it well understood,


s: He would pour by the hour, o'er a weed or a flower,


s: Or the slugs, that came crawling out after a shower;


s: Black beetles, bumble-bees, blue-bottle flies,


s: And moths, were of no small account in his eyes;


s: An "industrious flea," he'd by no means despise,


s: While an "old daddy long-legs," whose long legs and thighs


s: Passed the common in shape, or in color, or size,


s: He was wont to consider an absolute prize.


s: Giving up, in short, both business and sport, he


s: Abandoned himself, _tout entier_, to philosophy.


s: And a good many years the junior of him,


s: There are some might be found entertaining a notion,


s: That such an entire, and exclusive devotion,


s: To that part of science, folks style entomology,


s: Ever poking his nose into this, and to that--


s: At a gnat, or a bat, or a cat, or a rat,


s: At great ugly things, all legs and wings,


s: With nasty long tails, armed with nasty long stings


s: And eternally thinking, and blinking, and winking,


s: At grubs--when he ought of _her_ to be thinking.


s: Was e'er known to wear more contented an air;


s: And--let who would call--every day she was there


s: Propounding receipts for some delicate fare,


s: Some toothsome conserve, of quince, apple or pear


s: Or distilling strong waters--or potting a hare--


s: Or counting her spoons, and her crockery ware;


s: Enough to make less gifted visitors stare.


s: This account of her merits must come to a close;


s: No!--examine her conduct more closely, you'll find


s: She by no means neglected improving her mind;


s: For there all the while with an air quite bewitching


s: She sat herring-boning, tambouring, or stitching,


s: Or having an eye to affairs of the kitchen.


s: Captain Dugald MacBride, Royal Scots Fusiliers;--


s: And I doubt if you'd find, in the whole of his clan,


s: A more highly intelligent, worthy young man;


s: Some very "wise saw," from some very good book--


s: The Captain was reading aloud to the dame,


s: Till, from having gone through half the books on the shelf,


s: They were _almost_ as wise as Sir Thomas himself.


s: The particular month;--but I _think_ 'twas in May,


s: 'Twas I _know_ in the spring-time, when "nature looks gay,"


s: As the poet observes--and on tree-top and spray,


s: That the whole of the house was thrown into affright,


s: For no soul could conceive what was gone with the Knight.


s: An egg, a little broiled haddock--at most


s: A round and a half of some hot buttered toast,


s: With a slice of cold sirloin from yesterday's roast.


s: Cups, with sugar and cream, of strong gunpowder tea,--


s: With the brim that I've said was so broad and so flat,


s: And his "specs" with the tortoise-shell rim, and his cane.


s: With the crutch-handled top, which he used to sustain


s: His steps in his walk, or to poke in the shrubs


s: Or the grass, when unearthing his worms or his grubs;


s: Thus armed he set out on a ramble--a-lack!


s: He _set out_, poor dear soul!--but he never came back!


s: At five--folks kept early hours then--and the "last"


s: Ding-donged, as it ever was wont, at half-past.


s: Still the master was absent--the cook came and said, he


s: Feared dinner would spoil, having been so long ready,


s: That the puddings her ladyship thought such a treat


s: He was morally sure, would be scarce fit to eat!


s: Said the lady, "Dish up! Let the meal be served straight,


s: And let two or three slices be put on a plate,


s: And kept hot for Sir Thomas."--Captain Dugald said grace,


s: Then set himself down in Sir Thomas' place.


s: That live-long night did the hours go by;


s: Though I really can't say that he actually cried,


s: As much as can well be expected, perhaps,


s: From "very young fellows," for very "old chaps."


s: 'Twould have been, "Poor old Duffer, he's certainly dead!"


s: The morning dawned--and the next--and the next


s: And all in the mansion were still perplexed;


s: Not so much as a runaway ring at the bell.


s: Yet the sun shone bright upon tower and tree,


s: And the meads smiled green as green may be,


s: And the lambs in the park skipped merry and free.--


s: Yon grove, whose choir so sweetly cheers


s: The one loved name--shall yet be there--


s: But where the hand that carved it? Where?


s: These were hinted to me as the very ideas


s: Which passed through the mind of the fair Lady Jane,


s: As she walked on the esplanade to and again,


s: Who could not look _quite_ so forlorn--though he tried,


s: An "idea" in fact, had got into _his_ head,


s: That if "poor dear Sir Thomas" should really be dead,


s: It might be no bad "spec" to be there in his stead,


s: And by simply contriving, in due time, to wed


s: And nobody knows how much money's been spent,


s: Yet no one's been found to say which way he went!


s: Here's a fortnight and more has gone by, and we've tried


s: Every plan we could hit on--and had him well cried


s: |A Gentleman|;--middle-aged, sober and staid;


s: Stoops slightly;--and when he left home was arrayed


s: In a sad-colored suit, somewhat dingy and frayed;


s: Had spectacles on with a tortoise-shell rim,


s: And a hat rather low crowned, and broad in the brim.


s: (Right side uppermost) home; or shall give notice where


s: Said middle-aged |Gentleman| is; or shall state


s: Any fact, that may tend to throw light on his fate,


s: To the man at the turnpike, called _Tappington Gate_,


s: Shall receive a reward of _Five Pounds_ for his trouble.


s: N.B. If defunct, the _Reward_ will be double!!'


s: No; doubtless he's shot--or he's hanged--or he's drowned!


s: To address her at once, at so early a day.


s: Well--what then--who cares!--let 'em say what they may."


s: And once fully made up his mind on the matter, he


s: Can't be too prompt in unmasking his battery.


s: He began on the instant, and vowed that her eyes


s: Far exceeded in brilliance the stars in the skies;


s: That her lips were like roses, her cheeks were like lilies;


s: Her breath had the odor of daffadowndillies!--


s: With a thousand more compliments, equally true,


s: Ere she fixed to repulse or return his embrace,


s: Up came running a man at a deuce of a pace,


s: With that very peculiar expression of face


s: Which always betokens dismay or disaster,


s: Crying out--'twas the gard'ner--"Oh, ma'am! we've found master!!"


s: But gasping for breath he could only respond


s: By pointing--be pointed, alas! |TO THE POND|.


s: 'Twas e'en so; poor dear Knight, with his "specs" and his hat,


s: He'd gone poking his nose into this and to that;


s: When close to the side of the bank, he espied


s: An uncommon fine tadpole, remarkably fat!


s: Got hold of her tail--and to land almost brought her,


s: When--he plumped head and heels into fifteen feet water!


s: Alas! for Sir Thomas!--she grieved for him,


s: As she saw two serving men sturdy of limb,


s: She sobbed and she sighed, she lamented and cried,


s: She swooned, and I think she'd have fallen down and died,


s: With the gardener;--they both their assistance supplied,


s: And from each of his pockets they pulled out two!


s: And the gardener himself had secreted a few,


s: For, when he came running to give the alarm,


s: He had six in the basket that hung on his arm.


s: Holy water was sprinkled and little bells tinkled,


s: And masses were sung, and masses were said,


s: All day, for the quiet repose of the dead,


s: And all night no one thought about going to bed.


s: Had made up her mind, or--what's much the same--


s: Had _thought about_, once more "changing her name,"


s: To Thompson the valet, while taking away,


s: When supper was over, the cloth and the tray,


s: They're a fish too, of which I'm remarkably fond--


s: Poor dear!--_he'll catch us some more_."


s: All middle-aged gentlemen let me advise,


s: If you're married, and hav'n't got very good eyes,


s: Don't go poking about after blue-bottle flies.


s: If you've spectacles, don't have a tortoise-shell rim,


s: And don't go near the water--unless you can swim.


s: Married ladies, especially such as are fair,


s: Tall and slim, I would next recommend to beware,


s: How, on losing one spouse, they give way to despair,


s: But let them reflect, there are fish, and no doubt on't,


s: As good _in_ the river, as ever came _out_ on't.


s: My William was a soldier, and he says to me, says he,


s: "My Susan, I must sail across the South Pacific sea;


s: But when he's dead I'll marry you, as sure as I'm alive!"


s: 'Twere hard for me to part with him; he couldn't read nor write,


s: So I never had love letters for to keep my memory bright;


s: But Jim, who is our footman, took the _Daily Telegraph_,


s: And told me William's reg-i-ment mowed down the foe like chaff.


s: So every day Jim come to me to read the Eastern news,


s: And used to bring me bouquets, which I scarcely could refuse;


s: I put his hand from off me, and I said in thrilling tones,


s: "I like you, Jim, but _never_ will I give up William Jones;


s: It ain't no good your talking, for my heart is firm and fixed,


s: For William is engaged to me, and naught shall come betwixt."


s: So Jim he turned a ghastly pale to find there was no hope;


s: And made remarks about a pond, and razors, and a rope;


s: The other servants pitied him, and Rosie said as much;


s: But Rosie was too flighty, and he didn't care for such.


s: The weeks and months passed slowly, till I heard the Eastern war


s: Was over, and my William would soon be home once more;


s: And I was proud and happy for I knew that I could say


s: I'd been true to my sweet William all the years he'd been away.


s: Says Jim to me, "I love you, Sue, you know full well I do,


s: And evermore whilst I draw breath I vow I will be true;


s: But my feelings are too sensitive, I really couldn't stand


s: A-seeing of that soldier taking hold your little hand.


s: "So I've made my mind up finally to throw myself away;


s: There's Rosie loves me truly, and no more I'll say her nay;


s: I've bought a hat on purpose, and I'm going to hire a ring,


s: So Jim he married Rosie, just the very day before


s: My William's reg-i-ment was due to reach their native shore;


s: I was there to see him landed and to give him welcome home,


s: And take him to my arms from which he never more should roam.


s: But I couldn't see my William, for the men were all alike,


s: "Not me!" I says, "I want a man who 'listed from our Square;


s: The sergeant wiped his eye, and took his helmet from his head,


s: "I'm very sorry, ma'am," he said, "_that_ William Jones is dead;


s: He died from getting sunstroke, and we envied him his lot,


s: For we were melted to our bones, the climate was that hot!"


s: So that's how 'tis that I'm condemned to lead a single life,


s: For the sergeant, who was struck with me, already had a wife;


s: And Jim is tied to Rosie, and can't get himself untied,


s: Whilst the man that I was faithful to has been and gone and died!


s: At midnight through the rooms |It| glides,


s: Our hearts all throb against our sides--


s: And who the deuce, in these bright days,


s: It looked extremely rocky for the Mudville nine that day,


s: The score stood four to six with but an inning left to play.


s: And so, when Cooney died at first, and Burrows did the same,


s: A pallor wreathed the features of the patrons of the game.


s: A straggling few got up to go, leaving there the rest,


s: With that hope which springs eternal within the human breast.


s: For they thought if only Casey could get a whack at that,


s: They'd put up even money with Casey at the bat.


s: But Flynn preceded Casey, and likewise so did Blake,


s: And the former was a pudding and the latter was a fake;


s: So on that stricken multitude a death-like silence sat,


s: For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.


s: And the much despisèd Blakey tore the cover off the ball,


s: And when the dust had lifted and they saw what had occurred,


s: There was Blakey safe on second, and Flynn a-hugging third.


s: Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell,


s: It bounded from the mountain top and rattled in the dell,


s: It struck upon the hillside, and rebounded on the flat,


s: For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.


s: There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place,


s: There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face,


s: And when responding to the cheers he lightly doffed his hat,


s: No stranger in the crowd could doubt, 'twas Casey at the bat.


s: Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt,


s: Five thousand tongues applauded as he wiped them on his shirt;


s: And while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip--


s: Defiance gleamed from Casey's eye--a sneer curled Casey's lip.


s: And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,


s: Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped--


s: Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore,


s: He stilled the rising tumult and he bade the game go on;


s: He signalled to the pitcher and again the spheroid flew,


s: But Casey still ignored it and the Umpire said "Strike two."


s: And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,


s: And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.


s: Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,


s: The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,


s: And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;


s: But there is no joy in Mudville--mighty Casey has "Struck Out."


s: They fought the dogs, and killed the cats,


s: And licked the soup from the cook's own ladles,


s: "Tis clear," cried they, "our Mayor's a noddy;


s: Rouse up, Sirs! Give your brains a racking


s: Or, sure as fate, we'll send you packing!"


s: "Bless us," cried the Mayor, "what's that?"


s: Save when at noon his paunch grew mutinous


s: For a plate of turtle green and glutinous),


s: "Come in!"--the Mayor cried, looking bigger:


s: Starting up at the Trump of Doom's tone,


s: Had walked this way from his painted tombstone!"


s: And, "Please your honours," said he, "I'm able,


s: To match with his coat of the selfsame cheque;


s: And his fingers, they noticed, were ever straying


s: Last June, from his huge swarms of gnats;


s: "One? fifty thousand!" was the exclamation


s: Of the astonished Mayor and Corporation.


s: And green and blue his sharp eyes twinkled


s: Like a candle flame where salt is sprinkled;


s: And ere three shrill notes the pipe uttered,


s: And the grumbling grew to a mighty rumbling;


s: And out of the house the rats came tumbling.


s: Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats,


s: Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats,


s: From street to street he piped advancing,


s: Which was, "At the first shrill notes of the pipe,


s: And a leaving ajar of conserve cupboards,


s: And a drawing the corks of train-oil-flasks,


s: And a breaking the hoops of butter-casks:


s: (Sweeter far than by harp or by psaltery


s: Is breathed) called out, Oh rats, rejoice!


s: The world is grown to one vast drysaltery!


s: So munch on, crunch on, take your nuncheon,


s: All ready staved, like a great sun shone


s: Just as methought it said, Come, bore me!


s: You should have heard the Hamelin people


s: Ringing the bells till they rocked the steeple.


s: "Go," cried the Mayor, "and get long poles!


s: Poke out the nests and block up the holes!


s: Of the rats!"--when suddenly, up the face


s: Of the piper perked in the market-place,


s: With a "First, if you please, my thousand guilders!"


s: A thousand guilders! The Mayor looked blue;


s: With Claret, Moselle, Vin-de-Grave, Hock;


s: Their cellar's biggest butt with Rhenish.


s: "Beside," quoth the Mayor with a knowing wink,


s: "Our business was done at the river's brink;


s: And what's dead can't come to life, I think.


s: So, friend, we're not the folks to shrink


s: From the duty of giving you something to drink,


s: And a matter of money to put in your poke;


s: Of them, as you very well know, was in joke;


s: Beside, our losses have made us thrifty:


s: Of the Head Cook's pottage, all he's rich in,


s: For having left in the Caliph's kitchen,


s: With you, don't think I'll bate a stiver!


s: May find me pipe after another fashion."


s: "How?" cried the Mayor, "d'ye think I'll brook


s: Laid his long pipe of smooth straight cane;


s: There was a rustling, that seemed like a bustling


s: Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling,


s: Small feet were pattering, wooden shoes clattering,


s: Little hands clapping and little tongues chattering,


s: And, like fowls in a farmyard when barley is scattering,


s: And sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls,


s: Tripping and skipping, ran merrily after


s: The wonderful music with shouting and laughter.


s: As if they were changed into blocks of wood,


s: As the Piper turned from the High Street


s: Right in the way of their sons and daughters!


s: And to Koppelberg Hill his steps addressed,


s: When, lo, as they reached the mountain's side,


s: And the Piper advanced and the children followed,


s: The door in the mountain-side shut fast.


s: And could not dance the whole of the way;


s: "It's dull in our town since my playmates left;


s: For he led us, he said, to a joyous land,


s: Where waters gushed and fruit-trees grew,


s: The sparrows were brighter than peacocks here,


s: And horses were born with eagle's wings;


s: The Mayor sent East, West, North, and South,


s: But when they saw 'twas a lost endeavour,


s: And Piper and dancers were gone for ever,


s: If, after the day of the month and year,


s: The place of the Children's last retreat,


s: They called it the Pied Piper's Street--


s: Was sure for the future to lose his labour.


s: On which their neighbours lay such stress,


s: To their fathers and mothers having risen


s: Of scores out with all men--especially pipers;


s: And, whether they pipe us free from rats or from mice,


s: If we've promised them aught, let us keep our promise.


s: "Here, take the goose, and keep you warm,


s: She dropt the goose, and caught the pelf,


s: And bless'd herself, and cursed herself,


s: "Go, take the goose, and wring her throat,


s: Then yelp'd the cur, and yawl'd the cat;


s: It was in a pleasant deepô, sequestered from the rain,


s: That many weary passengers were waitin' for the train;


s: Piles of quite expensive baggage, many a gorgeous portmantó,


s: Ivory-handled umberellas made a most touristic show.


s: Whereunto there came a person, very humble was his mien,


s: Who took an observation of the interestin' scene;


s: Who was followed shortly after by a most unhappy tramp,


s: Upon whose features poverty had jounced her iron stamp;


s: And to make a clear impression as bees sting you while they buzz,


s: For he was so awful ragged, and in parts so awful bare,


s: They drew themselves asunder with aversionary looks.


s: Sternly gazed the first newcomer on the unindulgent crowd,


s: Then in tones which pierced the deepô he solilicussed aloud:--


s: "I hev trevelled o'er this cont'nent from Quebec to Bogotáw,


s: But sech a set of scallawags as these I never saw.


s: "Ye are wealthy, ye are gifted, ye have house and lands and rent,


s: But there isn't any heathen that is half as small as you.


s: "Ye are lucky--ye hev cheque-books and deeposits in the bank,


s: And ye squanderate your money on the titled folks of rank;


s: The onyx and the sardonyx upon your garments shine,


s: An' ye drink at every dinner p'r'aps a dollar's wuth of wine.


s: "Ye are goin' for the summer to the islands by the sea,


s: Where it costs four dollars daily--setch is not for setch as me;


s: Iv'ry-handled umberellas do not come into my plan,


s: But I kin give a dollar to this sufl'rin' fellow-man.


s: "Hand-bags made of Rooshy leather are not truly at my call,


s: Yet in the eyes of Mussy I am richer 'en you all,


s: For I kin give a dollar wher' you dare not stand a dime,


s: And never miss it nother, nor regret it ary time."


s: Sayin' this he drew a wallet from the inner of his vest,


s: And gave the tramp a daddy, which it was his level best;


s: Other people havin' heard him soon to charity inclined--


s: One giver soon makes twenty if you only get their wind.


s: The first who gave the dollar led the other one about,


s: And at every contribution he a-raised a joyful shout,


s: Exclaimin' how 'twas noble to relieviate distress,


s: And remarkin' that our duty is our present happiness.


s: Thirty dollars altogether were collected by the tramp,


s: When he bid 'em all good evenin' and went out into the damp,


s: And was followed briefly after by the one who made the speech,


s: And who showed by good example how to practise as to preach.


s: Which soon around the corner the couple quickly met,


s: And the tramp produced the specie for to liquidate his debt;


s: And the man who did the preachin' took his twenty of the sum,


s: Which you see that out of thirty left a tenner for the bum.


s: And the couple passed the summer at Bar Harbor with the rest,


s: Greatly changed in their appearance and most elegently dressed.


s: Any fowl with change of feathers may a brilliant bird become:


s: Oh, how hard is life for many! oh, how sweet it is for some!


s: When they heard the Captain humming and beheld the dancing crew,


s: On the "Royal Biddy" frigate was Sir Peter Bombazoo;


s: His mind was full of music and his head was full of tunes,


s: And he cheerfully exhibited on pleasant afternoons.


s: He could whistle, on his fingers, an invigorating reel,


s: And could imitate a piper on the handles of the wheel;


s: He could play in double octaves, too, all up and down the rail,


s: Or rattle off a rondo on the bottom of a pail.


s: Then porters with their packages and bakers with their buns,


s: And countesses in carriages and grenadiers with guns,


s: And admirals and commodores arrived from near and far,


s: To listen to the music of this entertaining tar.


s: When they heard the Captain humming and beheld the dancing crew.


s: The commodores severely said, "Why, this will never do!"


s: And the admirals all hurried home, remarking, "This is most


s: Extraordinary conduct for a captain at his post."


s: Then they sent some sailing-orders to Sir Peter, in a boat,


s: And he did a little fifing on the edges of the note;


s: But he read the sailing orders, as of course he had to do,


s: And removed the "Royal Biddy" to the Bay of Boohgabooh.


s: Now, Sir Peter took it kindly, but it's proper to explain


s: He was sent to catch a pirate out upon the Spanish Main.


s: And he played, with variations, an imaginary tune


s: On the buttons of his waistcoat, like a jocular bassoon.


s: Then a topman saw the pirate come a-sailing in the bay,


s: And reported to the Captain in the ordinary way.


s: "I'll receive him," said Sir Peter, "with a musical salute,"


s: And he gave some imitations of a double-jointed flute.


s: Then the Pirate cried derisively, "I've heard it done before!"


s: And he hoisted up a banner emblematical of gore.


s: But Sir Peter said serenely, "You may double-shot the guns


s: While I sing my little ballad of 'The Butter on the Buns.'"


s: Then the Pirate banged Sir Peter and Sir Peter banged him back,


s: And they banged away together as they took another tack.


s: Then Sir Peter said, politely, "You may board him, if you like,"


s: And he played a little dirge upon the handle of a pike.


s: And remarked, "You must excuse me, but you acted like a brute


s: When I gave my imitation of that double-jointed flute."


s: So they took that wicked Pirate and they took his wicked crew,


s: And tied them up with double knots in packages of two.


s: And left them lying on their backs in rows upon the beach


s: With a little bread and water within comfortable reach.


s: Now the Pirate had a treasure (mostly silverware and gold),


s: And Sir Peter took and stowed it in the bottom of his hold;


s: And said, "I will retire on this cargo of doubloons,


s: And each of you, my gallant crew, may have some silver spoons."


s: Now commodores in coach-and-fours and corporals in cabs,


s: And men with carts of pies and tarts and fishermen with crabs,


s: And barristers with wigs, in gigs, still gather on the strand,


s: But there isn't any music save a little German band.


s: Carried down the crew and captain in the sea;


s: And I know they didn't come ashore with me.


s: And I sit and watch for people at the door.


s: As I'm quite a clever hand at making stews;


s: As the things I eat are rather tough and dry;


s: When I found the moths were eating off the hair;


s: Till I got the fine morocco suit I wear.


s: And we chip off little specimens of stone;


s: While the Cat is taking lessons on the drum.


s: And I wish to call attention, as I close,


s: And particular in turning out their toes.


s: Had chased the huge fish about Baffin's old Bay;


s: But time brought a change his diversion to spoil,


s: And that was when Gas took the shine out of Oil.


s: He turned up his nose at the fumes of the coke,


s: And swore the whole scheme was a bottle of smoke;


s: As to London, he briefly delivered his mind,


s: "Sparma-city," said he,--but the city declined.


s: So Ben cut his line in a sort of a huff,


s: As soon as his whales had brought profits enough,--


s: And hard by the Docks settled down for his life,


s: But, true to his text, went to Wales for a wife.


s: A big one she was, without figure or waist,


s: More bulky than lovely, but that was his taste;


s: In fat she was lapped from her sole to her crown,


s: And, turned into oil, would have lighted a town.


s: But Ben, like a whaler, was charmed with the match,


s: And thought, very truly, his spouse a great catch;


s: A flesh-and-blood emblem of Plenty and Peace,


s: And would not have changed her for Helen of Greece!


s: For Greenland was green in his memory still;


s: He'd quitted his trade, but retained the good-will;


s: And often when softened by bumbo and flip,


s: Would cry till he blubbered about his old ship.


s: No craft like the _Grampus_ could work through a floe,


s: What knots she could run, and what tons she could stow!


s: And then that rich smell he preferred to the rose,


s: By just nosing the hold without holding his nose.


s: Now Ben he resolved, one fine Saturday night,


s: A snug arctic circle of friends to invite;


s: Old tars in the trade, who related old tales,


s: And drank, and blew clouds that were "very like whales."


s: Of course with their grog there was plenty of chat,


s: Of canting, and flenching, and cutting up fat;


s: And how gun-harpoons into fashion had got,


s: And if they were meant for the gun-whale or not?


s: At last they retired, and left Ben to his rest,


s: By fancies cetaceous and drink well possessed,


s: When, lo! as he lay by his partner in bed,


s: He heard something blow through two holes in its head!


s: "A start!" muttered Ben, in the _Grampus_ afloat,


s: And made but one jump from the deck to the boat!


s: "Huzza! pull away for the blubber and bone,--


s: I look on that whale as already my own!"


s: Then groping about by the light of the moon,


s: He soon laid his hand on his trusty harpoon;


s: A moment he poised it, to send it more pat,


s: And then made a plunge to imbed it in fat!


s: "Starn all!" he sang out, "as you care for your lives,--


s: Starn all! as you hope to return to your wives,--


s: Stand by for the flurry! she throws up the foam!


s: Well done, my old iron; I've sent you right home!"


s: And scarce had he spoken, when lo! bolt upright


s: The leviathan rose in a great sheet of white,


s: And swiftly advanced for a fathom or two,


s: "Starn all!" echoed Ben, with a movement aback,


s: But too slow to escape from the creature's attack;


s: If flippers it had, they were furnished with nails,--


s: "You willin, I'll teach you that women ain't whales!"


s: "Avast!" shouted Ben, with a sort of a screech,


s: "I've heard a whale spouting, but here is a speech!"


s: "A-spouting, indeed!--very pretty," said she;


s: "But it's you I'll blow up, not the froth of the sea!


s: "To go to pretend to take _me_ for a fish!


s: You great polar bear--but I know what you wish;


s: You're sick of a wife that your hankering balks,


s: You want to go back to some young Esquimaux!"


s: "O dearest," cried Ben, frightened out of his life,


s: "Don't think I would go for to murder a wife


s: I must long have bewailed!" But she only cried, "Stuff!"


s: Don't name it, you brute, you've _be-whaled_ me enough!"


s: "Lord, Polly!" said Ben, "such a deed could I do?


s: I'd rather have murdered all Wapping than you!


s: Come, forgive what is past." "O you monster!" she cried,


s: "It was none of your fault that it passed off one side!"


s: However, at last she inclined to forgive;


s: "But, Ben, take this warning as long as you live,--


s: If the love of harpooning so strong must prevail,


s: Take a whale for a wife,--not a wife for a whale!"


s: Were order'd to the Virgin Mary's shrine,


s: Who at Loretto dwelt, in wax, stone, wood,


s: And in a fair white wig look'd wondrous fine.


s: Fifty long miles had those sad rogues to travel,


s: With something in their shoes much worse than gravel;


s: In short, their toes so gentle to amuse,


s: The priest had order'd peas into their shoes:


s: For purifying souls that stunk with crimes;


s: Which popish parsons for its powers exalt,


s: But very different was their speed, I wot:


s: The other limp'd, as if he had been shot.


s: One saw the Virgin soon--_peccavi_ cried--


s: Made fit with saints above to live forever.


s: He met his brother rogue about half-way,


s: Hobbling, with outstretch'd arms and bended knees,


s: Damning the souls and bodies of the peas;


s: His eyes in tears, his cheeks and brow in sweat,


s: Deep sympathizing with his groaning feet.


s: "How now," the light-toed, white-wash'd pilgrim broke,


s: "Odds curse it!" cried the other, "'tis no joke;


s: No! to the Devil my sinful soul must go,


s: What power hath work'd a wonder for your toes?


s: Whilst I, just like a snail, am crawling,


s: Now swearing, now on saints devoutly bawling,


s: Whilst not a rascal comes to ease my woes?


s: "How is't that _you_ can like a greyhound go,


s: Merry as if that naught had happen'd, burn ye!"


s: "Why," cried the other, grinning, "you must know,


s: That, just before I ventured on my journey,


s: Gathering her brows like gathering storm,


s: She tauld thee weel thou wast a skellum,


s: A blethering, blustering, drunken blellum;


s: That at the Lord's house, even on Sunday,


s: Thou drank wi' Kirkton Jean till Monday.


s: Thou wouldst be found deep drown'd in Doon!


s: The night drave on wi' sangs and clatter,


s: The storm without might rair and rustle--


s: As bees flee hame wi' lades o' treasure,


s: The minutes wing'd their way wi' pleasure;


s: Kings may be blest, but Tam was glorious,


s: You seize the flower, its bloom is shed!


s: That hour, o' night's black arch the keystane,


s: That dreary hour he mounts his beast in;


s: The speedy gleams the darkness swallow'd;


s: Loud, deep, and lang, the thunder bellow'd:


s: Whiles holding fast his guid blue bonnet,


s: Whiles crooning o'er some auld Scots sonnet;


s: Whiles glowering round wi' prudent cares,


s: The doubling storm roars through the woods;


s: When, glimmering through the groaning trees,


s: Through ilka bore the beams were glancing,


s: The swats sae ream'd in Tammie's noddle,


s: But hornpipes, jigs, strathspeys, and reels,


s: He screw'd the pipes, and gart them skirl,


s: That shaw'd the dead in their last dresses;


s: They reel'd, they set, they cross'd, they cleekit,


s: Their sarks, instead o' creeshie flannen,


s: That ance were plush, o' guid blue hair,


s: But Tam kenn'd what was what fu' brawlie,


s: Wi' twa pund Scots ('twas a' her riches),


s: Even Satan glower'd, and fidged fu' fain,


s: And hotch'd and blew wi' might and main;


s: When plundering herds assail their byke,


s: When, pop! she starts before their nose;


s: Wi' mony an eldritch screech and hollow.


s: Ah, Tam! ah, Tam! thou'lt get thy fairin'!


s: In hell they'll roast thee like a herrin'!


s: Their hair shone yellow, like spun gold,


s: Their rifles crossed their laps, but still


s: They sat and sighed and shook with cold.


s: Their hounds lay couching, slim and neat;


s: Then tossed his gun and turned his head.


s: Then sudden stopped and wheeled and faced


s: Dear brother, binds us best of friends."


s: Shook back their horns from bloom and vine,


s: They could but love, they could not doubt


s: And still they talked, and still they plead;


s: 'Twas on the shores that round our coast


s: And I heard this wight on the shore recite,


s: And he shook his fists and he tore his hair,


s: For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,


s: Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which


s: "And pretty nigh all the crew was drowned


s: "There was me and the cook and the captain bold,


s: And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,


s: "For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink,


s: "The next lot fell to the _Nancy's_ mate,


s: Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,


s: "For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,


s: But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed


s: "'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom.


s: I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I.


s: For don't you see that you can't cook _me_,


s: "So he boils the water, and takes the salt


s: (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot,


s: "'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride,


s: "And he stirred it round and round and round,


s: When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals


s: The last of his chops, why, I almost drops,


s: At a pleasant evening party I had taken down to supper


s: One whom I will call Elvira, and we talked of love and Tupper.


s: Mr. Tupper and the Poets, very lightly with them dealing,


s: For I've always been distinguished for a strong poetic feeling.


s: Then we let off paper crackers, each of which contained a motto,


s: There were noblemen in coronets, and military cousins,


s: Then she had convulsive sobbings in her agitated throttle,


s: But spite of all I said, her sobs grew more and more distressing,


s: Then she gazed upon the carpet, at the ceiling, then above me,


s: And she whispered, "Ferdinando, do you really, _really_ love me?"


s: "Send me to the Arctic regions, or illimitable azure,


s: On a scientific goose-chase, with my Coxwell or my Glaisher!


s: But she said, "It isn't polar bears, or hot volcanic grottoes;


s: Do you write the bon-ton mottoes my Elvira pulls at supper?"


s: But Henry Wadsworth smiled, and said he had not had that honor;


s: And Alfred, too, disclaimed the words that told so much upon her.


s: "Mister Martin Tupper, Poet Close, I beg of you inform us;"


s: But my question seemed to throw them both into a rage enormous.


s: Mister Close expressed a wish that he could only get anigh to me;


s: "A fool is bent upon a twig, but wise men dread a bandit,"--


s: Which I know was very clever; but I didn't understand it.


s: Seven weary years I wandered--Patagonia, China, Norway,


s: Till at last I sank exhausted at a pastrycook his doorway.


s: There were fuchsias and geraniums, and daffodils and myrtle;


s: So I entered, and I ordered half a basin of mock turtle.


s: He was plump and he was chubby, he was smooth and he was rosy,


s: And his little wife was pretty and particularly cosy.


s: He was wonderfully active for so very stout a party.


s: And I said, "O gentle pieman, why so very, very merry?


s: Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?"


s: But he answered, "I'm so happy--no profession could be dearer--


s: If I am not humming 'Tra la la' I'm singing 'Tirer, lirer!'


s: "Then I polish all the silver, which a supper-table lacquers:


s: And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him,


s: And I heard the gentle pieman in the road behind me trilling,


s: "'Tira! lira!' stop him, stop him! 'Tra! la! la!' the soup's a


s: But until I reached Elvira's home, I never, never waited,


s: And Elvira to her Ferdinand's irrevocably mated!


s: It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown.


s: Her father was the terror of a small Italian town;


s: Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing;


s: But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing.


s: As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day,


s: A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way;


s: She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true,


s: That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!"


s: And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen,


s: She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten,


s: A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road


s: (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode.)


s: But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise


s: To look at strange young sorters with expressive purpleeyes;


s: So she sought the village priest to whom her family confessed,


s: The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed.


s: "Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not?


s: Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!"


s: The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?"


s: "I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad,


s: I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad.


s: I've planned a little burglary and forged a little cheque,


s: And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!"


s: The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear--


s: And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear--


s: It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece;


s: But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown apiece.


s: We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks--


s: Let's see--five crimes at half-a-crown--exactly twelve-and-six."


s: "Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep,


s: You do these little things for me so singularly cheap--


s: Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget;


s: But oh, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!


s: "A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes,


s: I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies;


s: He passes by it every day as certain as can be--


s: I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!"


s: "For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word


s: This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard.


s: Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand


s: To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band!


s: "This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so!


s: They are the most remunerative customers I know;


s: For many many years they've kept starvation from my doors,


s: I never knew so criminal a family as yours!


s: "The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood


s: Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good;


s: And if you marry any one respectable at all,


s: Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?"


s: The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown,


s: And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown;


s: To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit,


s: Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it.


s: Good Robber Brown, he muffled up his anger pretty well,


s: He said, "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell;


s: I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits,


s: And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits.


s: "I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two,


s: Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do--


s: A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall


s: When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small."


s: He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square;


s: He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware;


s: He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head,


s: And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed.


s: And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind,


s: She nevermore was guilty of a weakness of the kind,


s: Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand


s: On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band.


s: Strike the concertina's melancholy string!


s: Blow the spirit-stirring harp like anything!


s: Wrote a lot of ballet music in his teens:


s: Which is pretty, but I don't know what it means.


s: And blow the gay Pantechnicon all night.


s: Came two starving Tartar minstrels to his gates;


s: I remember that they called themselves the "Oüaits."


s: Oh! that day of sorrow, misery, and rage


s: When a yesterday has faded from its page!


s: Alas! Prince Agib went and asked them in;


s: Gave them beer, and eggs, and sweets, and scent, and tin.


s: Though its icy horror chill you to the core,


s: I will tell you what I never told before,--


s: _For I listened at the keyhole in the door!_


s: He gave them money, more than they could count,


s: Scent from a most ingenious little fount,


s: The elder of the brothers gave a squeal,


s: "Oh, listen, if you'd shun a horrid death,


s: To what the gent who's speaking to you saith:


s: For (ter-remble!) I am Aleck--this is Beth!"


s: I have heard that ye are men of evil mind!"


s: They fastened me full length upon the floor.


s: Oh! the horror of that agonizing thrill!


s: (I can feel the place in frosty weather still).


s: They branded me and broke me on a wheel,


s: And they left me in an hospital to heal;


s: What those Tartars had determined to reveal.


s: But that day of sorrow, misery, and rage,


s: When a yesterday has faded from its page.


s: Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason,


s: "You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant--


s: Kitty wants to write! Kitty intellectual!


s: What has been effectual to turn her stockings blue?


s: Kitty's seventh season has brought sufficient reason,


s: She has done 'most everything that there is left to do!


s: Half of them to laugh about and half of them to rue,--


s: Now we wait in terror for Kitty's wildest error.


s: What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!


s: Kitty wants to write! Débutante was Kitty,


s: Frivolous and witty as ever bud that blew.


s: Kitty lacked sobriety, yet she ran society,


s: A leader whom the chaperons indulged a year or two;


s: Corner-men, eligibles, dancing-dolls she knew,--


s: Kitty then was slighted, ne'er again invited;


s: Kitty wants to write! At the Social Settlement


s: Girls of Kitty's mettle meant a mission for a few;


s: Men to teach the classes, men to mould the masses,


s: Men to follow Kitty to adventures strange and new.


s: Some of her benevolence was hidden out of view!--


s: A patroness offended, Kitty's slumming ended.


s: What is there to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!


s: Kitty wants to write! Kitty was a mystic,


s: Deep from cabalistic lore many hints she drew!


s: Prattled in her parlor--such a wild and hairy crew!


s: Many came for money, and one or two to woo--


s: Kitty's pet astrologer wanted to acknowledge her!


s: What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!


s: Kitty wants to write! Kitty was a doctor;


s: Nothing ever shocked her, though they hazed a little, too!


s: Kitty learned of medicos how a heart unsteady goes,


s: Besides a score of secrets that are secrets still to you.


s: Kitty's course in medicine gave her many a clue--


s: Much of modern history now is less a mystery.


s: Kitty wants to write! Everybody's writing!


s: Won't it be exciting, the panic to ensue?


s: We who all have known her, think what we have shown her!


s: Read it in the magazines! Which half of _this_ is true?


s: Where did she get _that_ idea? Is it him, or who?--


s: Kitty's wretched enemies now will learn what venom is!


s: Dighton is engaged! Think of it and tremble!


s: Two-and-twenty ladies who have known him must dissemble;


s: Two-and-twenty ladies in a panic must repeat,


s: "Dighton is a gentleman; will Dighton be discreet?"


s: All the merry maidens who have known him at his best


s: Wonder what the girl is like, and if he has confessed.


s: Dighton the philanderer, will he prove a slanderer?


s: A man gets confidential ere the honeymoon has sped--


s: Dighton was a rover then, Dighton lived in clover then;


s: Dighton is a gentleman--but Dighton is to wed!


s: Dighton is engaged! Think of it, Corinna!


s: Watch and see his fiancée smile on you at dinner!


s: Watch and hear his fiancée whisper, "_That's_ the one?"


s: Try and raise a blush for what you said was "only fun."


s: Long have you been wedded; have you then forgot?


s: If you have, I'll venture that a certain man has not!


s: Dighton had a way with him; did you ever play with him?


s: Now that dream is over and the episode is dead.


s: Dighton never harried you after Charlie married you;


s: Dighton is engaged! Think of it, Bettina!


s: Did you ever love him when the sport was rather keener?


s: Did you ever kiss him as you sat upon the stairs?


s: Did you ever tell him of your former love affairs?


s: Think of it uneasily and wonder if his wife


s: Soon will know the amatory secrets of your life!


s: Dighton was impressible, you were quite accessible--


s: The bachelor who marries late is apt to lose his head.


s: Dighton wouldn't hurt you; does it disconcert you?


s: Dighton is a gentleman--but Dighton is to wed!


s: Dighton is engaged! Tremble, Mrs. Alice!


s: When he comes no longer will you bear the lady malice?


s: Now he comes to dinner, and he smokes cigars with Clint,


s: But he never makes a blunder and he never drops a hint;


s: He's a universal uncle, with a welcome everywhere,


s: But his smile it was pensive and childlike,


s: With a smile that was childlike and bland.


s: Which was stuffed full of aces and bowers,


s: We are ruined by Chinese cheap labour--"


s: With the cards that Ah Sin had been hiding,


s: And we found on his nails, which were taper,


s: I reside at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James;


s: I am not up to small deceit, or any sinful games;


s: And I'll tell in simple language what I know about the row


s: That broke up our society upon the Stanislow.


s: But first I would remark, that it is not a proper plan


s: For any scientific man to whale his fellow-man,


s: And, if a member don't agree with his peculiar whim,


s: To lay for that same member for to "put a head" on him.


s: Now, nothing could be finer or more beautiful to see


s: Than the first six months' proceedings of that same society,


s: Till Brown of Calaveras brought a lot of fossil bones


s: That he found within a tunnel near the tenement of Jones.


s: Then Brown he read a paper, and he reconstructed there,


s: From those same bones, an animal that was extremely rare;


s: And Jones then asked the Chair for a suspension of the rules,


s: Then Brown he smiled a bitter smile and said he was at fault,


s: It seemed he had been trespassing on Jones's family vault;


s: He was a most sarcastic man, this quiet Mr. Brown,


s: And on several occasions he had cleaned out the town.


s: Now, I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent


s: To say another is an ass--at least, to all intent;


s: Nor should the individual who happens to be meant


s: Reply by heaving rocks at him to any great extent.


s: Then Abner Dean of Angel's raised a point of order, when


s: A chunk of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen,


s: And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor,


s: For, in less time than I write it, every member did engage


s: In a warfare with the remnants of a palæozoic age;


s: And the way they heaved those fossils in their anger was a sin,


s: Till the skull of an old mammoth caved the head of Thompson in.


s: And this is all I have to say of these improper games


s: For I live at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James;


s: And I've told, in simple language, what I know about the row


s: That broke up our society upon the Stanislow.


s: Wrote rhymes and sighed and died--mustache!


s: She called him "Bill," he raised his head,


s: You would have thought the house on fire.


s: Then smelt her smelling-salts, and slept.


s: He crossed the great back-bone of earth,


s: Ringed round with room and shoreless light.


s: Her lovers passed. Wolves hunt in packs,


s: Then rose and checked her trunk right on;


s: And in the cars she lunched and lunched,


s: Then stirred his cocktail round and round.


s: Then raised his head and sighed profound,


s: And, lo! that stone read, "William Brown."


s: Pulled at his beard, and chewed and chewed.


s: But I've got a middlin' tight grip, sir,


s: We looked in and seen them huddled thar,


s: And thar sot Little Breeches and chirped,


s: He could never have walked in that storm:


s: But he said he was sick, and a king should know,


s: They did not cure him. He cut off their heads,


s: He had passed his life in studious toil,


s: Together they looked at the royal tongue,


s: In succession they thumped his august chest,


s: The old sage said, "You're as sound as a nut."


s: "Hang him up," roared the King in a gale--


s: But he pensively rubbed his sagacious nose,


s: _The King will be well, if he sleeps one night


s: And many they saw, and to many they spoke,


s: They found poor men who would fain be rich,


s: And men who twisted their waist in stays,


s: He whistled, and sang, and laughed, and rolled,


s: And one of them said, "Heaven save you, friend!


s: I will give you a hundred ducats, friend,


s: The merry blackguard lay back on the grass,


s: "I would do it, God wot," and he roared with the fun,


s: Each day to the King the reports came in


s: And he grew ashamed of his useless life,


s: And out he went in the world, and toiled


s: And the people blessed him, the land was glad,


s: Whar have you been for the last three years


s: But he never flunked, and he never lied;


s: And if ever the Prairie Belle took fire,


s: All boats have their day on the Mississip,


s: And her furnace crammed, rosin and pine.


s: The fire bust out as she clared the bar,


s: And quick as a flash she turned, and made


s: There was runnin' and cursin', but Jim yelled out


s: Through the hot black breath of the burnin' boat


s: And they all had trust in his cussedness,


s: And, sure's you're born, they all got off


s: An' de crew of de wood scow "Julie Plante"


s: And then, by sounding through the night,


s: They always guessed their reckoning right.


s: Could tell, by _tasting_, just the spot,


s: Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!"


s: "Where are we now, sir? Please to taste."


s: Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,


s: By the side of a murmuring stream an elderly gentleman sat.


s: The gentleman then took his cane which lay by his side as he sat;


s: When opening his toothpick-case, one said,


s: That _anchovies_ on _terrâ firmâ_ grew."


s: "Grow!" cried the other, "yes, they _grow_, indeed,


s: You might as well say grapes grow on a reed,


s: "Why, sir," returned the irritated other,


s: This matter you are thoroughly mistaken."


s: "Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit


s: To the assertion--none e'er saw or read it;


s: Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."


s: "Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are


s: "Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar,


s: You may affirm just anything you please--


s: That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue,


s: "Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,"


s: Language like this no man can suffer cool:


s: So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied,


s: "Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face


s: That anchovies _don't_ grow like cloves and mace?"


s: Leave the contention as they found it--bone,


s: And take to duelling or thumping _têtes_;


s: For strength of argument; and he who winces


s: From force of words, with force of arms convinces!


s: With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint,


s: Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding,


s: Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading


s: (Their hearts already loaded) serv'd to show


s: It might be better they shook hands--but no;


s: When each opines himself, though frighten'd, right,


s: And they _did_ fight: from six full measured paces


s: The unbeliever pulled his trigger first;


s: And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces,


s: The whizzing lead had whizz'd its very worst,


s: (His ire evanishing like morning vapors),


s: Found him possess'd of one remaining ear,


s: Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth;


s: For while the surgeon was applying lint,


s: He, wriggling, cried--"The deuce is in't--


s: "Shoost look at these shpoons and vatches!


s: "Vot you vanst mit your schnapps and lager?


s: _Dat_ fetched him--she shtood all shpell-pound;


s: Hush up your teasin' and listen to this:


s: 'Tain't much of a jingle, 'tain't much of a tune,


s: But it's spang-fired truth about Chester Cahoon.


s: He was boss of the tub and the foreman of hose;


s: When the 'larm rung he'd start, sis, a-sheddin' his clothes,


s: --Slung cote and slung wes'cote and kicked off his shoes,


s: A-runnin' like fun, for he'd no time to lose.


s: And he'd howl down the ro'd in a big cloud of dust,


s: For he made it his brag he was allus there fust.


s: --Allus there fust, with a whoop and a shout,


s: And he never shut up till the fire was out.


s: And he'd knock out the winders and save all the doors,


s: And tear off the clapboards, and rip up the floors,


s: For he allus allowed 'twas a tarnation sin


s: To 'low 'em to burn, for you'd want 'em agin.


s: He gen'rally stirred up the most of his touse


s: In hustling to save the outside of the house.


s: And after he'd wrassled and hollered and pried,


s: He'd let up and tackle the stuff 'twas inside.


s: To see him you'd think he was daft as a loon,


s: But that was jest habit with Chester Cahoon.


s: Now see what ye think of a doin' like this:


s: The time of the fire at Jenkins' old place


s: The fambly they didn't know which way to turn.


s: And by gracious, it looked like it all was to burn.


s: But Chester Cahoon--oh, that Chester Cahoon,


s: He sailed to the roof like a reg'lar balloon;


s: Donno how he done it, but done it he did,


s: --Went down through the scuttle and shet down the lid.


s: And five minutes later that critter he came


s: To the second floor winder surrounded by flame.


s: He lugged in his arms, sis, a stove and a bed,


s: And balanced a bureau right square on his head.


s: His hands they was loaded with crockery stuff,


s: China and glass; as if that warn't enough,


s: He'd rolls of big quilts round his neck like a wreath,


s: And carried Mis' Jenkins' old aunt with his teeth.


s: You're right--gospel right, little sis,--didn't seem


s: The critter'd git down, but he called for the stream,


s: And when it come strong and big round as my wrist;


s: He stuck out his legs, sis, and give 'em a twist;


s: And he hooked round the water jes' if 'twas a rope,


s: And down he come easin' himself on the slope,


s: --So almighty spry that he made that 'ere stream


s: As fit for his pupp'us' as if 'twas a beam.


s: Oh, the thund'rinest fireman Lord ever made


s: Go 'way, fiddle; folks is tired o' hearin' you a-squawkin'--


s: Keep silence fur yo' betters!--don't you heah de banjo talkin'?


s: About de 'possum's tail she's gwine to lecter--ladies, listen!--


s: About de ha'r whut isn't dar, an' why de ha'r is missin':


s: "Dar's gwine to be a' oberflow," said Noah, lookin' solemn--


s: Fur Noah tuk the "_Herald_," an' he read de ribber column--


s: An' so he sot his hands to wuk a-cl'arin' timber-patches,


s: Ol' Noah kep' a-nailin' an' a-chippin' an' a-sawin';


s: An' all de wicked neighbours kep' a-laughin' an' a-pshawin';


s: But Noah didn't min' 'em, knowin' whut wuz gwine to happen:


s: An' forty days an' forty nights de rain it kep' a-drappin'.


s: Now, Noah had done cotched a lot ob ebry sort o' beas'es--


s: Ob all de shows a-trabbelin', it beat 'em all to pieces!


s: He had a Morgan colt an' sebral head o' Jarsey cattle--


s: An' druv 'em 'board de Ark as soon's he heered de thunder rattle.


s: Den sech anoder fall ob rain!--it come so awful hebby,


s: De ribber riz immejitly, an' busted troo de lebbee;


s: De people all wuz drownded out--'cep' Noah an' de critters,


s: An' men he'd hired to work de boat--an' one to mix de bitters.


s: De Ark she kep' a-sailin' an' a-sailin', _an'_ a-sailin';


s: De lion got his dander up, an' like to bruk de palin';


s: Got lonesome in de barber-shop, and c'u'dn't stan' de racket;


s: An' so, fur to amuse he-se'f, he steamed some wood an' bent it,


s: An' soon he had a banjo made--de fust dat wuz invented.


s: He tuk some tin, an' twisted him a thimble fur to ring it;


s: An' den de mighty question riz: how wuz he gwine to string it?


s: De 'possum had as fine a tail as dis dat I's a-singin';


s: An' sorted ob 'em by de size, f'om little E's to basses.


s: He strung her, tuned her, struck a jig,--'twus "Nebber min' de


s: She soun' like forty-lebben bands a-playin' all togedder;


s: Some went to pattin'; some to dancin': Noah called de figgers;


s: Now, sence dat time--it's mighty strange--dere's not de slightes'


s: Ob any ha'r at all upon de 'possum's tail a-growin';


s: Basking in peace in the warm spring sun,


s: The breath of May! and the day was fair,


s: And the bright motes danced in the balmy air.


s: And the sunlight gleamed where the restless breeze


s: Kissed the fragrant blooms on the apple-trees.


s: His beardless cheek with a smile was spanned,


s: As he stood with a carriage whip in his hand.


s: And he laughed as he doffed his bobtail coat,


s: And the echoing folds of the carpet smote.


s: And she smiled as she leaned on her busy mop,


s: But he sighed when the kitchen clock struck one,


s: But he lovingly put in his biggest licks,


s: And he pounded like mad till the clock struck six.


s: That she guessed he could finish it up next day.


s: Then all that day, and the next day, too,


s: That fuzz from the dirtless carpet flew.


s: And the new days came as the old days went,


s: And the landlord came for his regular rent.


s: And the neighbors laughed at the tireless broom,


s: And his face was shadowed with clouds of gloom.


s: And the carpet swayed in the autumn blast.


s: For never yet, since that bright spring-time,


s: Had it ever been taken down from the line.


s: Cautiously clim, clome, clem, clum, clamb.


s: He found him a stick in the old woodpile,


s: And he gathered it up with a sad, grim smile,


s: As he gazed at the carpet, tattered and torn.


s: Till the startled air gave his echoes back.


s: And out of the window a white face leaned,


s: And a palsied hand the pale face screened.


s: She knew his face; she gasped, and sighed,


s: Right down on the ground his stick he throwed,


s: And he shivered and said, "Well, I am blowed!"


s: And he turned away, with a heart full sore,


s: And he never was seen not more, not more.


s: "Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again


s: By which you may know, wheresoever you go,


s: "Let us take them in order. The first is the taste,


s: Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist,


s: "Its habit of getting up late you'll agree


s: That it frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea,


s: "The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines,


s: And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes--


s: "The fifth is ambition. It next will be right


s: Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite,


s: From those that have whiskers, and scratch.


s: "For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm,


s: Some are Boojums--" The Bellman broke off in alarm,


s: They roused him with muffins--they roused him with ice--


s: They roused him with jam and judicious advice--


s: When at length he sat up and was able to speak,


s: And the Bellman cried "Silence! Not even a shriek!"


s: There was silence supreme! Not a shriek, not a scream,


s: As the man they called "Ho!" told his story of woe.


s: "My father and mother were honest, though poor--"


s: "Skip all that!" cried the Bellman in haste,


s: "If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of a Snark,


s: "I skip forty years," said the Baker, in tears,


s: To the day when you took me aboard of your ship


s: "A dear uncle of mine (after whom I was named)


s: "Oh, skip your dear uncle," the Bellman exclaimed,


s: "He remarked to me then," said that mildest of men,


s: "'If your Snark be a Snark, that is right;


s: Fetch it home by all means--you may serve it with greens


s: "'You may seek it with thimbles--and seek it with care;


s: You may threaten its life with a railway-share;


s: "'But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day,


s: You will softly and suddenly vanish away


s: "It is this, it is this that oppresses my soul,


s: And my heart is like nothing so much as a bowl


s: "I engage with the Snark--every night after dark--


s: I serve it with greens in those shadowy scenes,


s: "But if ever I meet with a Boojum, that day,


s: I shall softly and suddenly vanish away--


s: Er twice in my life,--and first time was


s: When the army broke out, and Jim he went,


s: The Old man backin' him, fer three months.--


s: And likin' him all to hisse'f-like, see?--


s: The Old man come and stood round in the way


s: And down at the deepot a-heerin' him say,--


s: In the whole dern rigiment, white er black,


s: And his fightin' good as his farmin' bad--


s: Bored through his thigh, and carried the flag


s: Through the bloodiest battle you ever seen,--


s: 'At Cap. read to us, 'at said,--"Tell Jim


s: 'At he'd like to go back in the cavelry--


s: And the Old man jes' wrapped up in him!--


s: Jim 'lowed 'at he'd had sich luck afore,


s: Guessed he'd tackle her three years more.


s: And the Old man give him a colt he'd raised


s: And last he heerd was the Old man say,--


s: 'At stirred him up like the tap of a drum--


s: And tuk 'em, and p'inted 'em t'other way,


s: As they skooted fer timber, and on and on--


s: And the Old man's words in his mind all day,--


s: 'At's clumb clean up to the shoulder-straps--


s: Think of him--with the war plum' through,


s: His father's, the old voice in his ears,--


s: By a battered and shattered son of the sea--


s: With the wind a-lee and the capstan free


s: While the boatswain bold, in the forward hold,