s: A much better method of stocking her cellar."


s: Heaven's right arm in vengeance falls,--


s: Lo where it comes!--the tempest lowers,--


s: Rides on the blast, and guides the storm


s: "Down--with the nests, and the rooks will fly!"


s: Arch, and pillar, and roof-tree, and all,


s: There they lie on the greensward strown--


s: No sound--good gracious!--what was that?


s: Embedded in mortar, and bricks, and stone?--


s: Why zooks! it's the popping of Ginger Beer


s: Vending, in cups, to the credulous throng


s: And a squeaking fiddle and "wry-necked fife"


s: Are screeching away, for the life!--for the life!


s: Tag, Rag, and Bobtail, are capering there,


s: Worse scene, I ween, than Bartlemy Fair!--


s: Two or three chimney-sweeps, two or three clowns,


s: Playing at "pitch and toss," sport their "Browns,"


s: Are ogling, and smiling, and sipping Bohea.


s: And the odors of "Stout," and tobacco, and gin!


s: "--Dear me!" I exclaim'd, "what a place to be in!"


s: And I said to the person who drove my "shay"


s: "This, all things considered, is rather too gay!


s: It don't suit my humor,--so take me away!


s: If not profanation, it's 'coming it strong,'


s: And I really consider it all very wrong.--


s: --Pray, to whom does this property now belong?"--


s: "Why I really DO think he's a little to blame,


s: But I can't say I knows the gentleman's name!"


s: And a tear-drop fell from my twinkling eye,


s: "My vastly good man, as I scarcely doubt


s: That some day or other you'll find it out,


s: That a Visitor whom you drove over one day,


s: Was exceedingly angry, and very much scandalized,


s: Finding these beautiful ruins so Vandalized,


s: I' "the Gael" to wear a long-tail'd coat!


s: Haven't YOU, too, got a long-tail'd coat?


s: What! shut the Gardens! lock the latticed gate!


s: Refuse the shilling and the fellow's ticket!


s: On Sundays no admittance at this wicket!


s: The Birds, the Beasts, and all the Reptile race,


s: Denied to friends and visitors till Monday!


s: Now, really, this appears the common case


s: Of putting too much Sabbath into Sunday--


s: Mere shrubberies without one drop of shrub--


s: Wherefore should they be closed like public-houses?


s: No ale is vended at the wild Deer's Head--


s: The Lion is not carved--or gilt--or red,


s: And does not send out porter of a Sunday--


s: The Bear denied! the Leopard under looks!


s: As if his spots would give contagious fevers!


s: The Birds invisible--the Gnaw-way Rats--


s: The Seal hermetically sealed till Monday--


s: To bend his legs, the way he does, in kneeling?


s: Was strict Sir Andrew, in his Sabbath coat,


s: Or did the Kentish Plumtree faint to note


s: The Pelicans presenting bills on Sunday?--


s: What feature has repulsed the serious set?


s: What error in the bestial birth or breeding,


s: To put their tender fancies on the fret?


s: One thing is plain--it is not in the feeding!


s: Some stiffish people think that smoking joints


s: Are carnal sins 'twixt Saturday and Monday--


s: But then the beasts are pious on these points,


s: For they all eat cold dinners on a Sunday--


s: What change comes o'er the spirit of the place,


s: The Snake, pro tempore, the true Satanic?


s: That now and then Good Friday falls on Monday)--


s: Are wicked Bulls of Bashan on a Sunday?--


s: There are some moody Fellows, not a few,


s: Who, turned by nature with a gloomy bias,


s: Renounce black devils to adopt the blue,


s: And think when they are dismal they are pious:


s: Has sent the brutes to Coventry till Monday?--


s: What dire offense have serious Fellows found


s: To raise their spleen against the Regent's spinney?


s: And would not Guinea Pigs subscribe their guinea?


s: Perchance, the Demoiselle refused to molt


s: The feathers in her head--at least till Monday;


s: A tract presented to be read on Sunday?--


s: Who mourns through Monkey-tricks his damaged clothing?


s: Who has been hissed by the Canadian Goose?


s: On whom did Llama spit in utter loathing?


s: Some Smithfield Saint did jealous feelings tell


s: To keep the Puma out of sight till Monday,


s: (Begging the pardon of each rigid Socius)


s: Are like the Keepers of the brutes ferocious--


s: About the grounds from Saturday till Monday,


s: If Saints could clap him in a cage on Sunday--


s: (Unless he's loose)--to look upon a lion.


s: I really think that one may go, perchance,


s: To see a bear, as guiltless as on Monday--


s: (That is, provided that he did not dance)--


s: Bruin's no worse than bakin' on a Sunday--


s: Because no children, with forestalling smiles,


s: Throng, happy, to the gates of Eden Minor--


s: It is not plain, to my poor faith at least,


s: That what we christen "Natural" on Monday,


s: The Dove, the winged Columbus of man's haven?


s: The tender Love-Bird--or the filial Stork?


s: The punctual Crane--the providential Raven?


s: The Pelican whose bosom feeds her young?


s: Nay, must we cut from Saturday till Monday


s: That feathered marvel with a human tongue,


s: Because she does not preach upon a Sunday--


s: The Sheep that owned an Oriental Shepherd--


s: That Desert-ship, the Camel of the East,


s: The horned Rhinoceros--the spotted Leopard--


s: The Creatures of the Great Creator's hand


s: Are surely sights for better days than Monday--


s: The Elephant, although he wears no band,


s: Has he no sermon in his trunk for Sunday?--


s: What harm if men who burn the midnight-oil,


s: Weary of frame, and worn and wan of feature,


s: Seek once a week their spirits to assoil,


s: And snatch a glimpse of "Animated Nature?"


s: Better it were if, in his best of suits,


s: The artisan, who goes to work on Monday,


s: Should spend a leisure-hour among the brutes,


s: Than make a beast of his own self on Sunday--


s: Why, zounds! what raised so Protestant a fuss


s: (Omit the zounds! for which I make apology)


s: But that the Papists, like some Fellows, thus


s: Had somehow mixed up Deus with their Theology?


s: Is Brahma's Bull--a Hindoo god at home--


s: A Papal Bull to be tied up till Monday?--


s: Or Leo, like his namesake, Pope of Rome,


s: That there is such a dread of them on Sunday--


s: To make Religion sad, and sour, and snubbish,


s: But Saints Zoological must cant their stuff,


s: As vessels cant their ballast-rattling rubbish!


s: Once let the sect, triumphant to their text,


s: "Close, close your eyes with holy dread,


s: And drunk the milk of Paradise!"--Coleridge.


s: A wanderer, Wilson, from my native land,


s: Besides some furlongs of a foreign sand--


s: Beyond the broadest Scotch of London Wall;


s: Beyond the loudest Saint that has a call;


s: Across the wavy waste between us stretched,


s: A friendly missive warns me of a stricture,


s: Wherein my likeness you have darkly etched,


s: And though I have not seen the shadow sketched,


s: I guess the features:--in a line to paint


s: Not one of those self-constituted saints,


s: Quacks--not physicians--in the cure of souls,


s: Who write down judgments with a pen hard-nibbed:


s: Commending sinners not to ice thick-ribbed,


s: But endless flames, to scorch them like flax--


s: Yet sure of heaven themselves, as if they'd cribbed


s: The impression of St. Peter's keys in wax!


s: There wants a certain cast about the eye;


s: In scorn of all that is, beneath the sky;


s: A face profane, that would not do at all


s: That Hall where bigots rant, and cant, and pray,


s: Conceives itself a great gas-light of grace!


s: Well!--be the graceless lineaments confest


s: I do enjoy this bounteous beauteous earth;


s: "Within the limits of becoming mirth;"--


s: Nor think I'm pious when I'm only bilious--


s: To frame a Sabbath Bill or forge a Bull,


s: I pray for grace--repent each sinful act--


s: Peruse, but underneath the rose, my Bible;


s: And love my neighbor, far too well, in fact,


s: That's turned by application to a libel.


s: My heart ferments not with the bigot's leaven,


s: All creeds I view with toleration thorough,


s: What else? No part I take in party fray,


s: With tropes from Billingsgate's slang-whanging Tartars,


s: I fear no Pope--and let great Ernest play


s: And treat sham Abr'am saints with wicked banters,


s: I even own, that there are times--but then


s: It's when I 've got my wine--I say d---- canters!


s: 'Tis said that people ought to guard their noses


s: Who thrust them into matters none of theirs


s: Your saint, yet I consider faith and prayers


s: And thus upon the public mind intrude it,


s: No food was fit to eat till I had chewed it.


s: On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk;


s: Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk--


s: 'Tis not so plain as the old Hill of Howth,


s: Because he talks with victuals in his mouth!


s: Mere verbiage--it is not worth a carrot!


s: Why, Socrates or Plato--where 's the odds?--


s: Once taught a Jay to supplicate the gods,


s: A mere professor, spite of all his cant, is


s: An insect, of what clime I can't determine,


s: That lifts its paws most parson-like, and thence,


s: By simple savages--through sheer pretense--


s: Is reckoned quite a saint among the vermin.


s: But where's the reverence, or where the nous,


s: To ride on one's religion through the lobby,


s: Who looks on erring souls as straying pigs,


s: That must be lashed by law, wherever found,


s: And driven to church as to the parish pound.


s: I do confess, without reserve or wheedle,


s: Worthy some parish clerk's ambitious son,


s: How much a man can differ from his neighbor,


s: Another wants to make it statute-labor--


s: The broad distinction in a line to draw,


s: You say--Sir Andrew and his love of law,


s: And I--the Saviour with his law of love.


s: Spontaneously to God should tend the soul,


s: But what were that intrinsic virtue worth,


s: Suppose some fellow with more zeal than knowledge,


s: Should nail the conscious needle to the north?


s: Prom schemes, with a religious willy-nilly,


s: That frown upon St. Giles' sins, but blink


s: The Lord of hosts with an exclusive lord


s: May go to heaven, whereas the poor and lowly


s: Must work their passage as they do in ships.


s: One place there is--beneath the burial-sod,


s: Where all mankind are equalized by death;


s: Another place there is--the Fane of God,


s: Where all are equal who draw living breath;--


s: Juggle who will ELSEWHERE with his own soul,


s: Playing the Judas with a temporal dole--


s: He who can come beneath that awful cope,


s: With soul unbowed by that pure spirit-level,


s: And frame unequal laws for rich and poor,--


s: Might sit for Hell, and represent the Devil!


s: In your last journey-work, perchance, you ravage,


s: Seeming, but in more courtly terms, to say


s: I'm but a heedless, creedless, godless, savage;


s: Of liking Mawworms less than merry maggots!


s: The humble records of my life to search,


s: I have not herded with mere pagan beasts:


s: But sometimes I have "sat at good men's feasts,"


s: And I have been "where bells have knolled to church."


s: Dear bells! how sweet the sound of village bells


s: Now loud as welcomes! faint, now, as farewells!


s: And trembling all about the breezy dells,


s: Meanwhile the bees are chanting a low hymn;


s: And lost to sight the ecstatic lark above


s: With, now and then, the coo of the wild pigeon:--


s: O pagans, heathens, infidels, and doubters!


s: If such sweet sounds can't woo you to religion,


s: Will the harsh voices of church cads and touters?


s: A man may cry Church! Church! at every word,


s: Because it keeps a-cawing from a steeple;


s: But quacking only gives it an ill savor;


s: While saintly mountebanks the porch disgrace,


s: And bring religion's self into disfavor!


s: Who, binding up his Bible with his ledger,


s: Blends Gospel texts with trading gammon,


s: Who backs his rigid Sabbath, so to speak,


s: "Rogue that I am," he whispers to himself,


s: But who on earth can say I am not pious!"


s: In proof how over-righteousness re-acts,


s: On Sunday morning--(at the day don't fret)--


s: Outside the stage, we happened to commend


s: "Ay," cried our coachman, with our talk to grapple,


s: "You're right! no house along the road comes nigh it!


s: 'T was built by the same man as built yon chapel,


s: But t' other driv' the bargain much too hard,--


s: Why, THAT you see, put master on his guard!"


s: A man can pray unbidden from the cassock,


s: I would not harshly scorn, lest even there


s: I spurned some elements of Christian prayer--


s: An aim, though erring, at a "world ayont"--


s: Acknowledgment of good--of man's futility,


s: A sense of need, and weakness, and indeed


s: That very thing so many Christians want--


s: Such is my spirit--(I don't mean my wraith!)


s: Such, may it please you, is my humble faith;


s: I know, full well, you do not like my WORKS!


s: I have not sought, 'tis true, the Holy Land,


s: As full of texts as Cuddie Headrigg's mother,


s: And my own common-place-book in the other--


s: Some minds improve by travel--others, rather,


s: Which gets the narrower by going further!


s: Worthless are all such pilgrimages--very!


s: That at the Sepulcher they ought to bury.


s: To see a Christian creature graze at Sion,


s: Then homeward, of the saintly pasture full,


s: Rush bellowing, and breathing fire and smoke,


s: With such a bristling spirit wherefore quit


s: The Land of Cakes for any land of wafers,


s: And buzz and chafe importunate as chafers,


s: Longing to carve the carvers to Scotch collops?--


s: Should stay at home in Protestant dominions,


s: That grasps the nearest stem with tendril rings;


s: And as the climate and the soil may grant,


s: So is the sort of tree to which it clings.


s: Consider, then, before, like Hurlothrumbo,


s: You aim your club at any creed on earth,


s: YOU might have been High Priest to Mungo Jumbo.


s: For me--through heathen ignorance perchance,


s: Some travelers would blaze with here in France.


s: If their "offense be rank," should mine be RANCOR?


s: Mild light, and by degrees, should be the plan


s: And give him, two black eyes for being blind?


s: What Kentish boor would tear away the prop


s: So roughly as to wound, nay, kill the bine?


s: The images, 'tis true, are strangely dressed,


s: With gauds and toys extremely out of season;


s: The whole repugnant to the eye of Reason,


s: Shocking to Taste, and to Fine Arts a treason--


s: All Christian hearts may kindle or keep warm.


s: That made me breathe a prayer upon the spot--


s: The emblem's use, had trailed around its base


s: Methought, the claims of Charity to urge


s: More forcibly along with Faith and Hope,


s: The pious choice had pitched upon the verge


s: "Look round," it whispered, "on that prospect rare,


s: Those vales so verdant, and those hills so blue;


s: Enjoy the sunny world, so fresh, and fair,


s: But"--(how the simple legend pierced me through!)


s: With sweet kind natures, as in honeyed cells,


s: Religion lives and feels herself at home;


s: Where wasps instead of bees have formed the comb.


s: Shun pride, O Rae!--whatever sort beside


s: A pride there is of rank--a pride of birth,


s: A pride of learning, and a pride of purse,


s: A London pride--in short, there be on earth


s: A host of prides, some better and some worse;


s: But of all prides, since Lucifer's attaint,


s: The proudest swells a self-elected Saint.


s: To picture that cold pride so harsh and hard,


s: Strutting and dancing, and now planted stiff,


s: He felt "the eyes of Europe" on his tail!


s: As for the humble breed retained by man,


s: As last, with stately dodgings in a corner,


s: He pens a simple russet hen, to scorn her


s: Full in the blaze of his resplendent fan!


s: "Look here," he cries (to give him words),


s: "Thou feathered clay--thou scum of birds!"


s: Flirting the rustling plumage in her eyes--


s: "Look here, thou vile predestined sinner,


s: These are the rainbow colors of the skies,


s: That heaven has shed upon me con amore--


s: _I_ am that Saintly Fowl, thou paltry chick!


s: Thou dingy, dirty, dabbled, draggled jill!"


s: And off goes Partlett, wriggling from a kick,


s: With bleeding scalp laid open by his bill!


s: By saints!--the Hypocrites that ope heaven's door


s: Obsequious to the sinful man of riches--


s: But put the wicked, naked, bare-legged poor,


s: The Saints?--the Bigots that in public spout,


s: Spread phosphorus of zeal on scraps of fustian,


s: The Saints!--the aping Fanatics that talk


s: All cant and rant and rhapsodies high flown--


s: And shun God's work as you should shun your own.


s: The Saints!--the Formalists, the extra pious,


s: Who think the mortal husk can save the soul,


s: By trundling, with a mere mechanic bias,


s: To church, just like a lignum-vitae bowl!


s: The Saints!--the Pharisees, whose beadle stands


s: In that great Temple that's not made with hands!


s: Thrice blessed, rather, is the man with whom


s: The balm, the bliss, the beauty, and the bloom,


s: The bounteous providence in every feature,


s: Recall the good Creator to his creature,


s: Making all earth a fane, all heaven its dome!


s: To HIS tuned spirit the wild heather-bells


s: For Choir, the thrush and the gregarious linnet;


s: And, consecrated by the heaven within it,


s: Each cloud-capped mountain is a holy altar;


s: Rich in deep hymns of gratitude and love!


s: Poor Nature, with her face begrimmed by dust,


s: Is stoked, coked, smoked, and almost choked: but must


s: To make the road to heaven a railway trust,


s: And churches--that's the naked fact--mere factories?


s: And let the solemn, swelling organ greet,


s: The WILLING advent of the rich and poor!


s: And while to God the loud Hosannas soar,


s: With rich vibiations from the vocal throng--


s: From quiet shades that to the woods belong,


s: Voices may come to swell the choral song


s: With notes of praise they learned in musings lone.


s: How strange it is, while on all vital questions,


s: We always meet with some humane suggestions


s: And marks his narrow code with legal rigor!


s: With Sunday pippins and old Trots infirm,


s: One market morning, in my usual rambles,


s: Passing along Whitechapel's ancient shambles,


s: Where meat was hung in many a joint and quarter,


s: I had to halt a while, like other folks,


s: A score of lambs and fatted sheep to slaughter.


s: Bull-fronted, ruddy, with a formal streak


s: As if he dee-dashed-dee'd some other flocks


s: Besides those woolly-headed stubborn blocks


s: That stood before him, in vexatious huddle--


s: Poor little lambs, with bleating wethers grouped,


s: While, now and then, a thirsty creature stooped


s: And meekly snuffed, but did not taste the puddle.


s: Fierce barked the dog, and many a blow was dealt,


s: That loin, and chump, and scrag and saddle felt,


s: Yet still, that fatal step they all declined it--


s: And shunned the tainted door as if they smelt


s: Onions, mint-sauce, and lemon-juice behind it.


s: At last there came a pause of brutal force;


s: The cur was silent, for his jaws were full


s: The man had whooped and bellowed till dead hoarse,


s: The time was ripe for mild expostulation,


s: And thus it stammered ftom a stander-by--


s: "Zounds!--my good fellow--it quite makes me--why


s: The sturdy butcher seized upon the hint--


s: At least he seized upon the foremost wether--


s: And hugged and lugged and tugged him neck and crop


s: Just nolens volens through the open shop--


s: If tails come off he didn't care a feather--


s: Then walking to the door, and smiling grim,


s: He rubbed his forehead and his sleeve together--


s: Again--good-humoredly to end our quarrel--


s: Was seized with symptoms of such deep decline,


s: That, as their wont is at such desperate pass,


s: Each morn the patient quaffed a frothy bowl


s: Which got proportionably spare and skinny--


s: Meanwhile the neighbors cried "Poor Mary Ann!


s: When lo! to prove each prophet was a ninny,


s: The one that died was the poor wet-nurse Jenny.


s: There were but two grown donkeys in the place;


s: And, most unluckily for Eve's sick daughter,


s: The other long-eared creature was a male,


s: "Your sarvant, Miss--a werry spring-like day--


s: Bad time for hasses, though! good lack! good lack!


s: Jenny be dead, Miss--but I'ze brought ye Jack--


s: He doesn't give no milk--but he can bray."


s: Some Saints would sneer at Gubbins for his blindness;


s: But what the better are their pious saws


s: Inclined for some sport with the carnal,


s: His joints at each stir made a crack, and the cur


s: And what did he do with his deadly darts,


s: He dabbled and spilled man's blood, and he killed


s: The first he slaughtered it made him laugh


s: To think how the mutes, and men in black suits,


s: Death saw two Quakers sitting at church;


s: And he let them alone, like figures of stone,


s: And he shot one through at once--for he knew


s: Said Death, "He may keep his breath, for his sleep


s: But he let him stray on his tedious way,


s: But he knew that sort of man would extort,


s: For Death, who strikes whenever he likes,


s: Death saw a patient that pulled out his purse,


s: But he let them be--for he knew that the "fee"


s: For on water he scarcely had cared for death,


s: My clothes they were the queerest shape!


s: You're his friend--for that he hates you,


s: Hunts your weak point out, then shows it


s: At Cheltenham, where one drinks one's fill


s: I broached whate'er had gone its rounds,


s: Paints screens, subscribes to Sunday-schools,


s: There when the sound of flute and fiddle


s: Of all that sets young hearts romancing:


s: And when she danced--oh, heaven, her dancing!


s: I wondered where she'd left her sparrows.


s: Of Southey's prose, or Wordsworth's sonnets;


s: I might have thought they murmured Little.


s: Black eyes, fair forehead, clustering locks,


s: Such wealth, such honors, Cupid chooses;


s: She sketch'd; the vale, the wood, the beach,


s: Grew lovelier from her pencil's shading;


s: For hours and hours and blow the bellows.


s: Well fill'd with all an album's glories;


s: And she was flatter'd, worship'd, bored,


s: Her steps were watch'd, her dress was noted,


s: enlisted on account of some female difficulty."]--Morning Paper.


s: Fairest of earth! if thou wilt hear my vow,


s: Lo! at thy feet I swear to love thee ever;


s: Promise afiection which no time shall sever;


s: And love which e'er shall burn as bright as now,


s: To be extinguished--never, dearest, never!


s: Wilt thou that naughty, fluttering heart resign?


s: CATHERINE! my own sweet Kate! wilt thou be mine?


s: Thou shalt have pearls to deck thy raven hair--


s: Thou shalt have all this world of ours can bring,


s: For aught save for each other. We will fling


s: And thou shalt be my queen, and I thy king!


s: Still coy, and still reluctant? Sweetheart say,


s: When shall we monarchs be? and which the day?


s: Bonnets, gloves, frippery and trash--nay, nay,


s: Tears, MRS. PRINGLE, will not gull me now--


s: In wedding you I thought I had a treasure;


s: You rise at ten, then spend the day in pleasure;--


s: In fact, my confidence is slightly shaken.


s: Ha! what's that uproar? This, ma'am, is my leisure;


s: Sufficient noise the slumbering dead to waken!


s: Confound those children, but I'll make them quiet!


s: They looked so alike as they sat at their work,


s: (What a pity it is that one isn't a Turk!)


s: The same glances and smiles, the same habits and arts,


s: The same tastes, the same frocks, and (no doubt) the same hearts


s: The same irresistible cut in their jibs,


s: The same little jokes, and the same little fibs--


s: That I thought the best way to get out of my pain


s: Was by--HEADS for Maria, and WOMAN for Jane;


s: For hang ME if it seemed it could matter a straw,


s: Which dear became wife, and which sister-in-law.


s: But now, I will own, I feel rather inclined


s: To suspect I've some reason to alter my mind;


s: And the doubt in my breast daily grows a more strong one,


s: That they're not QUITE alike, and I've taken the wrong one.


s: Jane is always so gentle, obliging, and cool;


s: Never calls me a monster--not even a fool;


s: All our little contentions, 'tis she makes them up,


s: And she knows how much sugar to put in my cup:--


s: Yes, I sometimes HAVE wished--Heav'n forgive me the flaw!--


s: That my very dear wife was my sister-in-law.


s: Oh, your sister-in-law, is a dangerous thing!


s: The daily comparisons, too, she will bring!


s: Wife--curl-papered, slip-shod, unwashed and undressed;


s: She--ringleted, booted, and "fixed in her best;"


s: Wife--sulky, or storming, or preaching, or prating;


s: She--merrily singing, or laughing, or chatting:


s: Then the innocent freedom her friendship allows


s: To the happy half-way between mother and spouse.


s: In short, if the Devil e'er needs a cat's-paw,


s: He can't find one more sure than a sister-in-law.


s: That no good upon earth can be had undiluted


s: Is a maxim experience has seldom refuted;


s: And preachers and poets have proved it is so


s: With abundance of tropes, more or less apropos.


s: Every light has its shade, every rose has its thorn,


s: The cup has its head-ache, its poppy the corn,


s: There's a fly in the ointment, a spot on the sun--


s: In short, they've used all illustrations--but one;


s: And have left it to me the most striking to draw--


s: Viz.: that none, without WIVES, can have SISTERS-IN-LAW.


s: produced by the titles of Cardinal Wiseman, etc.]


s: "Proud heedless fool," the parent cried;


s: Let other swains, upon the best cream-laid


s: Or wire-wove note, their amorous strains indite;


s: To paint the sufferings they can not write:


s: Upon their page, transfixed with numerous darts,


s: Or, on one spit, let two pale pink calves' hearts


s: Of shrubs, unknown to LINDLEY, she reposes,


s: See her own ALFRED to the old church tower


s: Or let the wreath, when raised, a cage reveal,


s: Wherein two doves their little bills entwine;


s: (A vile device, which always makes me feel


s: Marriage would only add your bills to mine.)


s: For arts like these I've neither skill nor time;


s: But if you'll seek the Diggings, dearest maid,


s: And share my fortune in that happier clime,


s: Your berth is taken, and your passage paid.


s: For reading, lately, in my list of things,


s: "Twelve dozen shirts! twelve dozen collars," too!


s: The horrid host of buttons and of strings


s: Flashed on my spirit, and I thought--of you.


s: "Surely," I said, as in my chest I dived--


s: That vast receptacle of all things known--


s: "To teach this truth my outfit was contrived,


s: Then fly with me! My bark is on the shore


s: (Her mark A 1, her size eight hundred tons),


s: And though she's nearly full, can take some more


s: Dry goods, by measurement--say GREEN and SONS.


s: Yes, fly with me! Had all our friends been blind,


s: We might have married, and been happy HERE;


s: But since young married folks the means must find


s: I think 'twill save us many a vain expense,


s: If on our wedding cards this Notice stands,


s: "At Home, at Ballarat, just three months hence!"


s: "Dey must not pass!" was the warning cry of the Austrian sentinel


s: The tourist laughed a scornful laugh; quoth he, "Indeed, I hope


s: There are few English books would please a Kaiser or a Pope;


s: "This Handbook to North Germany, by worthy Mr. MURRAY,


s: Need scarcely put your government in such a mighty flurry;


s: If tourists' handbooks be proscribed, pray have you ever tried


s: To find a treasonable page in Bradshaws Railway Guide?


s: This map, again, of Switzerland--nay, man, you needn't start or


s: Look black at such a little map, as if't were Magna Charta;


s: I know it is the land of TELL, but, curb your idle fury--


s: We've not the slightest hope, to-day, to find a TELL in your eye


s: "Sturmwetter!" said the sentinel, "Come! cease dis idle babbles!


s: Was ist dis oder book I see? Das Haus mit sieben Gabbles?


s: I nevvare heard of him bifor, ver mosh I wish I had,


s: For now Ich kann nicht let him pass, for fear he should be bad.


s: Das Haus of Commons it must be; Ja wohl! 'tis so, and den


s: Die Sieben Gabbles are de talk of your chief public men;


s: Potzmiekchen! it is dreadful books. Ja! Ja! I know him well;


s: Hoch Himmel! here he most not pass:" said the learned sentinel.


s: "Dis PLATO, too, I ver mosh fear, he will corrupt the land,


s: He has soch many long big words, Ich kann nicht onderstand."


s: So, if the books must stay behind, I stay behind as well."


s: Turnest thou up, Great Serpent, now and then,


s: What whirlpool gulf to thee affords a home!


s: Amid the unknown depths where dost thou dwell?


s: If--like the mermaid, with her glass and comb--


s: Thou art not what the vulgar call a Sell.


s: Art thou, indeed, a serpent and no sham?


s: A basking shark, or monstrous kind of seal?


s: I'll think that thou a true Ophidian art;


s: Because thou dost not play a reptile's part;


s: Thou swimmest, it appears, and dost not creep.


s: I'll trust, by whom thou some time since wast seen


s: And him who says he saw thee t'other day,


s: I will not bid address the corps marine.


s: What sort of snake may be thy class and style?


s: And mentioned--rather often--by CARLYLE?


s: Doubts, though subdued, will oft recur again--


s: Proceeding from the grog-oppressed brain?


s: If of the Boa species, couldst thou clasp


s: Within thy fold, and suffocate, a whale?


s: How long art thou?--Some sixty feet, they say,


s: And more--but how much more they do not know:


s: Scales hast thou got, of course--but what's thy weight?


s: On either side 'tis said thou hast a fin,


s: A crest, too, on thy neck, deponents state,


s: A saw-shaped ridge of flabby, dabby skin.


s: If I could clutch thee--in a giant's grip--


s: Could I retain thee in that grasp sublime?


s: Wouldst thou not quickly through my fingers slip,


s: Hast thou a forked tongue--and dost thou hiss


s: If ever thou art bored with Ocean's play?


s: That thou of gills or lungs dost breathe by way?


s: What spines, or spikes, or claws, or nails, or fin,


s: Or paddle, Ocean-Serpent, dost thou bear?


s: What kind of teeth show'st thou when thou dost grin?--


s: A set that probably would make one stare.


s: What is thy diet? Canst thou gulp a shoal


s: Of herrings? Or hast thou the gorge and room


s: To bolt fat porpoises and dolphins, whole,


s: Art thou alone, thou serpent, on the brine,


s: Is there no brother, sister, wife, of thine,


s: When first the granite mountain-stones were laid,


s: Wast thou not present there and then, old Snake?


s: What fossil Saurians in thy time have been?


s: Long as the tail thou doubtless canst unfold?


s: As a dead whale, but as a whale, though dead,


s: Thy floating bulk a British crew did strike;


s: And, so far, none will question what they said,


s: A flock of birds a record, rather loose,


s: Describes as hovering o'er thy lengthy hull;


s: Among them, doubtless, there was many a Goose,


s: I overheard two matrons grave, allied by close affinity


s: (The name of one was PHYSIC, and the other's was DIVINITY),


s: Says PHYSIC, "To unload the heart of grief, ma'am, is salubrious:


s: My age gives me a right to look for some esteem and reverence.


s: But, ma'am, I feel it is too true what every body says to me,--


s: Too many of my children are a shame and a disgrace to me."


s: "Ah!" says DIVINITY, "my heart can suffer with another, ma'am;


s: I'm sure I can well understand your feelings as a mother, ma'am.


s: "There are boys of mine," says PHYSIC, "ma'am, such silly fancies


s: As curing gout and stomach-ache by pawing and by flourishing."


s: "My good-for-nothing sons," says PHYSIC, "some have turned


s: "Mine," says DIVINITY, "pursue a system of gimcrackery,


s: Called Puseyism, a pack of stuff, and quite as arrant quackery."


s: "Ah!" says DIVINITY, "so mine, with quibbling and with caviling,


s: "Ah, ma'am," says PHYSIC, "I'm to blame, I fear, for these


s: "That's my fear too," DIVINITY says; "ma'am, upon my word it is."


s: 'T was business call'd a Father to travel by the Rail;


s: His eye was calm, his hand was firm, although his cheek was pale.


s: I'm going by the Rail, my dears--ELIZA, love, don't cry--


s: Now, kiss me both before I leave, and wish Papa good-by.


s: I hope I shall be back again, this afternoon, to tea,


s: And then, I hope, alive and well, that your Papa you'll see.


s: I'm going by the Rail, my dears, where the engines puff and hiss;


s: And in an instant, quick as thought--before you could cry "Ah!"


s: An accident occurs, and--say good-by to poor Papa!


s: Sometimes from scandalous neglect, my dears, the sleepers sink,


s: And then you have the carriages upset, as you may think.


s: The progress of the train, sometimes, a truck or coal-box checks,


s: Or there may be a screw loose, a hook, or bolt, or pin--


s: Or else an ill-made tunnel may give way, and tumble in;


s: And in the wreck the passengers and poor Papa remain


s: Confined, till down upon them comes the next Excursion-train.


s: If a policeman's careless, dears, or if not over-bright,


s: When he should show a red flag, it may be he shows a white;


s: Between two trains, in consequence, there's presently a clash,


s: If poor Papa is only bruised, he's lucky in the smash.


s: Points may be badly managed, as they were the other day,


s: Because a stingy Company for hands enough won't pay;


s: Over and over goes the train--the engine off the rail,


s: And poor Papa's unable, when he's found, to tell the tale.


s: And should your poor Papa escape, my darlings, with his life,


s: May he return on two legs, to his children and his wife--


s: With both his arms, my little dears, return your fond embrace,


s: And present to you, unalter'd, every feature of his face.


s: I hope I shall come back, my dears--but, mind, I am insured--


s: So, in case the worst may happen, you are so far all secured.


s: An action then will also lie for you and your Mamma--


s: And don't forget to bring it--on account of poor Papa.


s: To us, for GOD'S great laws transgressed,


s: For of all prayers prayed 'neath the sun


s: You'll sot, you'll bet; and, being green,


s: Who'll rob you; yours will be, in short,


s: You meet them, you, unless you're blind,


s: Including six substantial planks, forming the eight-inch ridge


s: On which the happy peasantry came dancing down the bridge.


s: Employed in sending storms of hail to rattle through the trees.


s: Lot Four, A Canvas Mossy Bank for Cupids to repose.


s: Lot Five, The old Stage Watering-pot, complete--except the nose.


s: Lot Six, The favorite Water-mill, used for Amina's dream,


s: Complete, with practicable wheel, and painted canvas stream.


s: Lots Seven to Twelve, Some sundries--A Pair of Sylphide's Wings;


s: Three dozen Druid's Dresses (one of them wanting strings).


s: In real papier mache--all in a decent state;


s: One of these services includes--its value to increase--


s: A full dessert, each plate of fruit forming a single piece.


s: Lot Seventeen, The Gilded Cup, from which Genarro quaffed,


s: Lot Twenty-one, A set of six Swiss Peasants' Cotton Shirts.


s: Lot Twenty-two, The sheet that backed Mascaniello's tent.


s: Lot Twenty-three, The Long White Wig--in wool--of Bide-the-Bent.


s: Lots Twenty-three to Forty, The Fish--Soles, Cod, and Dace--


s: For pelting the Vice-regal Guard in Naples' Market-place.


s: Lot Forty-one, Vesuvius, rather the worse for wear.


s: Lots Forty-two to Fifty, Priests' Leggings--at per pair.


s: Lot Fifty-one, The well-known Throne, with canopy and seat,


s: And plank in front, for courtiers to kneel at Sovereigns' feet.


s: Lot Fifty-two, A Royal Robe of Flannel, nearly white,


s: Warranted equal to Cashmere--upon the stage at night--


s: With handsome ermine collar thrown elegantly back;


s: The tails of twisted worsted--pale yellow, tipped with black.


s: The Crown of Semiramide--complete, with false back hair;


s: The Order worn by Ferdinand, when he proceeds to fling


s: His sword and medals at the feet of the astonished king.


s: Lot Sixty-one, The Bellows used in Cinderella's song.


s: Lot Sixty-two, A Document. Lot Sixty-three, A Gong.


s: Lots Sixty-four to Eighty, Of Wigs a large array,


s: Beginning at the Druids down to the present day.


s: Lot Eighty-one, The Bedstead on which Amina falls.


s: Lots Eighty-two to Ninety, Some sets of Outer Walls.


s: Lot Ninety-one, The Furniture of a Grand Ducal Room,


s: Including Chair and Table. Lot Ninety-two, A Tomb.


s: Lot Ninety-three, A set of Kilts. Lot Ninety-four, A Rill.


s: Lot Ninety-five, A Scroll, To form death-warrant, deed, or will.


s: Lot Ninety-six, An ample fall of best White Paper Snow.


s: Lot Ninety-seven, A Drinking-cup, brimmed with stout extra tow.


s: Lot Ninety-eight, A Set of Clouds, a Moon, to work on flat;


s: Water with practicable boat. Lot Ninety-nine, A Hat.


s: Lot Hundred, Massive Chandelier. Hundred and one, A Bower.


s: Hundred and two, A Canvas Grove. Hundred and three, A Tower.


s: Hundred and four, A Fountain.  Hundred and five, Some Rocks.


s: Hundred and six, The Hood that hides the Prompter in his box.


s: Our gracious Queen--long may she fill her throne--


s: The Majesty of England--bless her heart!--


s: And Cousin Germans have survived the view


s: In our young days we little thought to see


s: Such legs stretched under such mahogany;


s: At a French Palace, French Imperial fare:


s: Nor eat--as we should have believed at school--


s: At the Trois Freres we had not feasted then,


s: This great event of course could not take place


s: The brazen pig-tail of King George the Third


s: Thrice with a horizontal motion stirr'd,


s: Then rose on end, and stood so all day long,


s: From plaster nose three heavy drops of red.


s: Each Statue, too, of Pitt turn'd up the point


s: Of its proboscis--was that out of joint?


s: While Charles James Fox's grinn'd from ear to ear,


s: And Peel's emitted frequent cries of "Hear!"


s: She wept,--and breathed a trembling prayer


s: They laced her up, they starved her down,


s: They pinched her feet, they singed her hair,


s: You think you 've got him--when he calls


s: You, lose your love, or loaves, and fall


s: The impossibility of translating this now well-known expression


s: Nulla placere diu, nec vivere carmina possunt,


s: Quae scribuntur aquae potoribus.          HOR.


s: Of happiness terrestrial, and the source


s: Whence human pleasures flow, sing, heavenly Muse!


s: Of sparkling juices, of the enlivening grape,


s: Whose quickening taste adds vigor to the soul,


s: Whose sovereign power revives decaying nature,


s: And thaws the frozen blood of hoary Age,


s: A kindly warmth diffusing;--youthful fires


s: Gild his dim eyes, and paint with ruddy hue


s: His wrinkled visage, ghastly wan before:


s: With copious hand by bounteous gods bestow'd!


s: Bacchus divine! aid my adventurous song,


s: That with no middle flight intends to soar


s: With furrow'd frowns, when stupid downcast eyes,


s: The external symptoms of remorse within,


s: Express our grief, or when in sullen dumps,


s: Moping we sit, in silent sorrow drown'd;


s: The unwary youth, and tied the gordian knot


s: Of jangling wedlock not to be dissolv'd;


s: Who fails not to exalt him to the stars,


s: And fix him there among the branched crew


s: Or for the loss of anxious worldly pelf,


s: Or Delia's scornful slights, and cold disdain,


s: Which check'd his amorous flame with coy repulse,


s: The worst events that mortals can befall;


s: By cares depress'd, in pensive hippish mood,


s: With slowest pace the tedious minutes roll,


s: Thy charming sight, but much more charming gust,


s: New life incites, and warms our chilly blood.


s: Straight with pert looks we raise our drooping fronts,


s: And pour in crystal pure thy purer juice;--


s: With cheerful countenance and steady hand


s: Raise it lip-high, then fix the spacious rim


s: To the expecting mouth:--with grateful taste


s: The ebbing wine glides swiftly o'er the tongue;


s: The circling blood with quicker motion flies:


s: Such is thy powerful influence, thou straight


s: Dispell'st those clouds that, lowering dark, eclips'd


s: The whilom glories of the gladsome face;--


s: While dimpled cheeks, and sparkling rolling eyes,


s: Thy cheering virtues, and thy worth proclaim.


s: From "hills or steamy lake, dusky or gray,"


s: Prevail, till Phoebus sheds Titanian rays,


s: And paints their fleecy skirts with shining gold;


s: That vail'd the surface of the verdant fields,


s: At the god's penetrating beams disperse!


s: The earth again in former beauty smiles,


s: In gaudiest livery drest, all gay and clear.


s: When disappointed Strephon meets repulse,


s: Scoff'd at, despis'd, in melancholic mood


s: Joyless he wastes in sighs the lazy hours,


s: He storms the breach, and wins the beauteous fort.


s: To pay thee homage, and receive thy blessing,


s: The British seaman quits his native shore,


s: And ventures through the trackless, deep abyss,


s: Plowing the ocean, while the upheav'd oak,


s: "With beaked prow, rides tilting o'er the waves;"


s: Shock'd by tempestuous jarring winds, she rolls


s: At those blest climes thou favor'st with thy presence.


s: He thinks himself arrived: the purple grapes,


s: In largest clusters pendent, grace the vines


s: Innumerous: in fields grotesque and wild,


s: They with implicit curls the oak entwine,


s: And load with fruit divine his spreading boughs:


s: Sight most delicious! not an irksome thought,


s: Or of left native isle, or absent friends,


s: Or dearest wife, or tender sucking babe,


s: His kindly treacherous memory now presents;


s: The jovial god has left no room for cares.


s: Celestial Liquor! thou that didst inspire


s: Ennius, first fam'd in Latin song, in vain


s: Drew Heliconian streams, ungrateful whet


s: To jaded Muse, and oft with vain attempt,


s: With pains essay'd; but, abject still and low,


s: The mighty theme, till, from the purple fount


s: Of bright Lenaean sire, her barren drought


s: He quench'd, and with inspiring nectarous juice


s: Her drooping spirits cheer'd:--aloft she towers,


s: Borne on stiff pennons, and of war's alarms,


s: And trophies won, in loftiest numbers sings.


s: 'Tis thou the hero's breast to martial acts,


s: Excit'st: thou check'st inglorious lolling ease,


s: And sluggish minds with generous fires inflam'st.


s: O thou! that first my quickened soul didst warm,


s: Still with thy aid assist me, that thy praise,


s: I may record, and sing thy matchless worth.


s: Had the Oxonian bard thy praise rehears'd,


s: His Muse had yet retain'd her wonted height;


s: Such as of late o'er Blenheim's field she soar'd


s: She lies inglorious, floundering, like her theme,


s: Languid and faint, and on damp wing, immerg'd


s: In acid juice, in vain attempts to rise.


s: With what sublimest joy from noisy town,


s: Where the white poplar and the lofty pine


s: Join neighboring boughs, sweet hospitable shade,


s: A cool retreat, with few well-chosen friends,


s: On flowery mead recumbent, spent the hours


s: In mirth innocuous, and alternate verse!


s: Their temples bind, dress of sylvestrian gods!


s: Choicest nectarean juice crown'd largest bowls,


s: And overlook'd the brim, alluring sight,


s: Of fragrant scent, attractive, taste divine!


s: Whether from Formian grape depressed, Falern,


s: Mov'd briskly round, and spurr'd their heighten'd wit


s: To sing Mecaena's praise, their patron kind.


s: To umbrageous grot or vale; but when the sun


s: Faintly from western skies his rays oblique


s: Darts sloping, and to Thetis' wat'ry lap


s: Hastens in prone career, with friends select


s: *[Footnote: The Devil's Tavern, Temple Bar.]


s: Jocund and boon; where at the entrance stands


s: A stripling, who with scrapes and humil cringe


s: Greets us in winning speech, and accent bland:


s: With lightest bound, and safe unerring step,


s: He skips before, and nimbly climbs the stairs.


s: Melampus thus, panting with lolling tongue,


s: And wagging tail, gambols and frisks before


s: His sequent lord, from pensive walk return'd,


s: And waits his coming at the well-known gate.


s: Nigh to the stairs' ascent, in regal port,


s: Sits a majestic dame, whose looks denounce


s: Command and sovereignty: with haughty air,


s: And studied mien, in semicircular throne


s: Enclos'd, she deals around her dread commands;


s: Behind her (dazzling sight!) in order rang'd,


s: Pile above pile, crystalline vessels shine:


s: Attendant slaves with eager strides advance,


s: She knows the jargon sounds, and straight describes,


s: In characters mysterious, words obscure:


s: When they invoke the infernal spirit's aid.


s: Drive hence the rude and barbarous dissonance


s: The loud Centaurian broils with Lapithae


s: Sound harsh, and grating to Lenaean god;


s: Chase brutal feuds of Belgian skippers hence


s: (Amid their cups whose innate temper's shown),


s: In clumsy fist wielding scymetrian knife,


s: Who slash each other's eyes, and blubber'd face,


s: His festivals, from instruments or voice,


s: Or Gasperani's hand the trembling string


s: Should touch; or from the dulcet Tuscan dames,


s: Or warbling Toft's far more melodious tongue,


s: Sweet symphonies should flow: the Delian god


s: The stair's ascent now gain'd, our guide unbars


s: The door of spacious room, and creaking chairs


s: (To ear offensive) round the table sets.


s: We sit; when thus his florid speech begins:


s: "Name, sirs! the wine that most invites your taste;


s: Champaign, or Burgundy, or Florence pure,


s: Bourdeaux, or neat French white, or Alicant."


s: Declare, (such sympathy's in boon compeers).


s: He quits the room alert, but soon returns,


s: One hand capacious glistering vessels bears


s: Resplendent, the other, with a grasp secure,


s: A bottle (mighty charge!) upstaid, full fraught


s: With goodly wine. He, with extended hand


s: Rais'd high, pours forth the sanguine frothy juice,


s: O'erspread with bubbles, dissipated soon:


s: We straight to arms repair, experienc'd chiefs:


s: Now glasses clash with glasses (charming sound!)


s: And glorious Anna's health, the first, the best,


s: Crowns the full glass; at her inspiring name


s: The sprightly wine results, and seems to smile:


s: Her health we drink, and in her health our own.


s: A pause ensues: and now with grateful chat


s: We improve the interval, and joyous mirth


s: To pleasant laughter; straight the echoing room


s: With universal peals and shouts resounds.


s: The royal Dane, blest consort of the Queen,


s: Next crowns the ruby'd nectar, all whose bliss


s: In Anna's plac'd: with sympathetic flame,


s: Like to the kind turtle's pure untainted love,


s: Center in him, who shares the grateful hearts


s: Of loyal subjects, with his sovereign queen;


s: Were sav'd from hostile fleets' invasion dire.


s: The hero Marlborough next, whose vast exploits


s: Fame's clarion sounds; fresh laurels, triumphs new


s: We wish, like those he won at Hockstet's field.


s: Next Devonshire illustrious, who from race


s: Of noblest patriots sprang, whose worthy soul


s: Is with each fair and virtuous gift adorn'd,


s: That shone in his most worthy ancestors;


s: For then distinct in separate breasts were seen


s: Frugal, but free and generous of his own.


s: Next crowns the bowl; with faithful Sunderland,


s: In whom conspicuous, with full luster, shine


s: The surest judgment and the brightest wit,


s: And all the worthies of the British realm,


s: In order rang'd succeed; such healths as tinge


s: The dulcet wine with a more charming gust.


s: Now each his mistress toasts, by whose bright eye


s: He's fired; Cosmelia fair, or Dulcibell,


s: Or Sylvia, comely black, with jetty eyes


s: Piercing, or airy Celia, sprightly maid!--


s: Glass succeeds glass, till the Dircean god


s: Shines in our eyes, and with his fulgent rays


s: Enlightens our glad looks with lovely dye;


s: All blithe and jolly, that like Arthur's knights


s: Now most we seem'd--such is the power of Wine.


s: Thus we the winged hours in harmless mirth


s: And joys unsullied pass, till humid Night


s: Has half her race perform'd; now all abroad


s: Is hush'd and silent, nor the rumbling noise


s: Of coach, or cant, or smoky link-boy's call,


s: Surpris'd to find the hours so swiftly fly,


s: With hasty knock, or twang of pendant cord,


s: Alarm the drowsy youth from slumbering nod:


s: Startled he flies, and stumbles o'er the stairs


s: His yet clung eyelids, and with staggering reel


s: Enters confus'd, and muttering asks our wills;


s: When we with liberal hand the score discharge,


s: And homeward each his course with steady step


s: Unerring steers, of cares and coin bereft.


s: The saints would often leave their cells,


s: And stroll about, but hide their quality,


s: Where, in the strollers' canting strain,


s: Told them their calling and their errand:


s: They scarce had spoke, when fair and soft,


s: Turn'd round so quick you scarce could see't;


s: At christenings well could act his part,


s: And thought whose sow had farrow'd last;


s: Found his head fill'd with many a system;


s: But classic authors--he ne'er miss'd 'em.


s: Dame Baucis next they play'd their farce on.


s: "My dear, I see your forehead sprout!"--


s: "Sprout," quoth the man; "what's this you tell us?


s: In short, they both were turn'd to yews.


s: He'll talk of them from noon till night,


s: So the next parson stubb'd and burnt it.


s: Careful, observers may foretell the hour,


s: (By sure prognostics), when to dread a shower.


s: While rain depends, the pensive cat gives o'er


s: Her frolics, and pursues her tail no more.


s: Returning home at night, you'll find the sink


s: Strike your offended sense with double stink.


s: If you be wise, then, go not far to dine:


s: You'll spend in coach-hire more than save in wine


s: A coming shower your shooting corns presage,


s: Old aches will throb, your hollow tooth will rage;


s: Sauntering in coffee-house is Dulman seen;


s: He damns the climate, and complains of spleen.


s: Meanwhile the South, rising with dabbled wings,


s: A sable cloud athwart the welkin flings,


s: That swill'd more liquor than it could contain,


s: And, like a drunkard, gives it up again.


s: Brisk Susan whips her linen from the rope,


s: While the first drizzling shower is borne aslope;


s: Such is that sprinkling which some careless quear.


s: Flirts on you from her mop, but not so clean:


s: You fly, invoke the gods; then, turning, stop


s: To rail; she singing, still whirls on her mop.


s: Not yet the dust had shunn'd the unequal strife,


s: But, aided by the wind, fought still for life,


s: And wafted with its foe by violent gust,


s: 'T was doubtful which was rain, and which was dust.


s: When dust and rain at once his coat invade?


s: Sole coat! where dust, cemented by the rain,


s: Erects the nap, and leaves a cloudy stain!


s: Now in contiguous drops the flood comes down,


s: Threatening with deluge this DEVOTED town.


s: To shops in crowds the daggled females fly,


s: Pretend to cheapen goods, but nothing buy.


s: The Templar spruce, while every spout's abroach.


s: Stays till 'tis fair, yet seems to call a coach.


s: The tuck'd up sempstress walks with hasty strides,


s: While streams run down her oil'd umbrella's sides.


s: Here various kinds, by various fortunes led,


s: Commence acquaintance underneath a shed.


s: Triumphant Tories, and desponding Whigs,


s: Forget their feuds, and join to save their wigs.


s: Box'd in a chair the beau impatient sits,


s: While spouts run clattering o'er the roof by fits,


s: The leather sounds; he trembles from within.


s: So when Troy chairmen bore the wooden steed,


s: Pregnant with Greeks impatient to be freed,


s: (Those bully Greeks, who, as the moderns do,


s: Instead of paying chairmen, ran them through),


s: Laocoon struck the outside with his spear,


s: And each imprison'd hero quaked for fear.


s: Now from all parts the swelling kennels flow,


s: And bear their trophies with them as they go:


s: Filth of all hues and odor, seem to tell


s: What street they sail'd from by their sight and smell.


s: They, as each torrent drives with rapid force,


s: From Smithfield to St. Pulchre's shape their course,


s: And in huge confluence join'd at Snowhill ridge,


s: Fall from the conduit prone to Holborne bridge.


s: Sweeping from butchers' stalls, dung, guts, and blood;


s: Drown'd puppies, stinking sprats, all drench'd in mud,


s: Dead cats, and turnip-tops, come tumbling down the flood.


s: Sic transit gloria mundi!--Old Sun Dials.


s: From House of Buckingham, in grand parade,


s: To Whitbread's Brewhouse, moved the cavalcade.


s: questions.--A West India simile.--The marvelings of the draymen


s: wonder.--Also Mr. Whitbread's dog.--His Majesty maketh laudable


s: inquiry about Porter.--Again puzzleth Mr. Whitbread.--King noteth


s: profoundly answered by Mr. Whitbread.--Majesty in a


s: mistake.--Corrected by the brewer.--A nose simile.--Majesty's


s: Tom, soon as e'er thou strik'st thy golden lyre,


s: Thy brother Peter's muse is all on fire,


s: To sing of kings and queens, and such rare folk


s: Yet, 'midst thy heap of compliments so fine,


s: You Oxford wits most dearly love a joke.


s: Son of the Nine, thou writest well on naught;


s: Thy thundering stanza, and its pompous thought,


s: Than this new-christened hero of thy pen.


s: Yes, laurelled Odeman, braver far by half;


s: Though on Blackheath and Wimbledon's wide plain,


s: George keeps his hat off in a shower of rain;


s: Sees swords and bayonets without a dread,


s: Nor at a volley winks, nor ducks his head:


s: Although at grand reviews he seems so blest,


s: And leaves at six o'clock his downy nest,


s: Dead to the charms of blanket, wife, and bolster;


s: Unlike his officers, who, fond of cramming,


s: And at reviews afraid of thirst and famine,


s: With bread and cheese and brandy fill their holsters.


s: Sure, Tom, we should do justice to Queen Bess:


s: His present majesty, whom Heaven long bless


s: With wisdom, wit, and art of choicest quality,


s: As that old queen, though often called old b--ch,


s: In fame's colossal house of immortality.


s: And yet he was a devilish hearty fellow,


s: Enjoyed his beef, and bottle, and got mellow,


s: Knights of the manger, curry-combs, and brooms,


s: Lost to all glory, Charles did not delight--


s: Nor joked by day with pages, servant-maids,


s: Large, red-polled, blowzy, hard two-handed jades:


s: Indeed I know not what Charles did by night.


s: Sweet as a candied cake from top to toe;


s: Make it a rule that Virtue shall be praised,


s: And humble Merit from the ground be raised:


s: Thou cryest "Oh! how false! behold thy king,


s: Of whom thou scarcely say'st a handsome thing;


s: That king has virtues that should make thee stare."


s: Then pray for them when next thou sayest a prayer.


s: But, p'rhaps aloft on his imperial throne,


s: Whose light, though flying ever since creation,


s: Then may the royal ray be soon explored--


s: And Thomas, if thou'lt swear thou art not humming,


s: I'll take my spying-glass and bring thee word


s: Art thou, or art thou not, thy sovereign smoking?


s: George is a clever king, I needs must own,


s: Now thou exclaim'st, "God rot it! Peter, pray


s: I'll tell thee what to say, O tuneful Tom:


s: Sing how a monarch, when his son was dying,


s: His gracious eyes and ears was edifying,


s: Leaving that son to death and the physician,


s: Between two fires-a forlorn-hope condition;


s: And, special marksmen! seldom miss their aim.


s: Say, though the monarch did not see his son,


s: He kept aloof through fatherly affection;


s: To bring on useless tears, and dismal recollection.


s: For what can tears avail, and piteous sighs?


s: Death heeds not howls nor dripping eyes;


s: And what are sighs and tears but wind and water,


s: That show the leakiness of feeble nature?


s: Tom, with my simile thou wilt not quarrel;


s: Say--for the prince, when wet was every eye,


s: And thousands poured to heaven the pitying sigh Devout;


s: Ordered Dame Siddons to his house, and Kemble, To spout:


s: Gave them ice creams and wines, so dear!


s: Denied till then a thimble full of beer;


s: For which they've thanked the author of this meter,


s: Who, in his Ode on Ode, did dare exclaim,


s: Say--but I'll teach thee how to make an ode;


s: Thus shall thy labors visit fame's abode,


s: Not to the brightest monarch upon earth,


s: Because there are some brighter and as big;


s: Who love the arts that man exalt to heaven,


s: George loves them also, when they're given


s: To four-legged Gentry, christened dog and pig.*


s: Whose deeds in this our wonder-hunting nation


s: Prove what a charming thing is education.


s: The monarch heard of Mr. Whitbread's fame:


s: Quoth he unto the queen "My dear, my dear,


s: Whitbread hath got a marvelous great name;


s: Charly, we must, must, must see Whitbread brew--


s: Shame, shame, we have not yet his brewhouse seen!"


s: Thus sweetly said the king unto the queen!


s: With thirst of wondrous knowledge deep inflamed,


s: His vats, and tubs, and hops, and hogsheads famed,


s: He touched even terra firma with his nose;


s: Then said unto the page, hight Billy Ramus,


s: "Happy are we that our great king should name us,


s: Away sprung Billy Ramus quick as thought,


s: How Whitbread, staring, stood like any stake,


s: And trembled--then the civil things he said--


s: On which the king did smile and nod his head:


s: For monarchs like to see their subjects quake:


s: Such horrors unto kings most pleasant are,


s: High thoughts, too, all those shaking fits declare


s: Of kingly grandeur and great capability!


s: Indeed in a most humble light, God knows!


s: High stations are like Dover's towering cliffs,


s: Where ships below appear like little skiffs,


s: While people walking on the strand like crows.


s: Muse, sing the stir that Mr. Whitbread made;


s: He should not charm enough his guests divine:


s: He gave his maids new aprons, gowns and smocks;


s: And lo! two hundred pounds were spent in frocks,


s: To make the apprentices and draymen fine:


s: Dogs, cats, and chairs, and stools, were tumbled over,


s: Now moved king, queen, and princesses so grand,


s: Who sometimes swills his beer and grinds his meat


s: In a snug corner christened Chiswell-street;


s: But oftener charmed with fashionable air,


s: Lord Aylesbury, and Denbigh's Lord ALSO,


s: His grace the Duke of Montague LIKEWISE.


s: With Lady Harcourt joined the raree-show,


s: And fixed all Smithfield's marveling eyes:


s: For lo! a greater show ne'er graced those quarters,


s: Since Mary roasted, just like crabs, the martyrs.


s: Arrived, the king broad grinned, and gave a nod


s: Come with his angels to behold his beer,


s: With more respect he never could have met--


s: Light as a feather then the king did skip,


s: And asked a thousand questions, with a laugh,


s: Before poor Whitbread comprehended half.


s: I've seen--such noise the feathered imps did make,


s: Thus was the brewhouse filled with gabbling noise,


s: Devoured the questions that the king did ask:


s: In different parties were they staring seen,


s: Wondering to think they saw a king and queen!


s: Behind a tub were some, and some behind a cask.


s: Some draymen forced themselves (a pretty luncheon)


s: Into the mouth of many a gaping puncheon;


s: And through the bung-hole winked with curious eye,


s: To view, and be assured what sort of things


s: For whose most lofty station thousands sigh!


s: And lo! of all the gaping puncheon clan,


s: Few were the mouths that had not got a man!


s: Did with an opera-glass so curious peep:


s: Examining with care each wondrous matter


s: Thus have I seen a magpie in the street,


s: And, lo! no single thing came in his way,


s: That, full of deep research, he did not say,


s: "What's this! hae, hae? what's that? what's this? what's that?"


s: So quick the words, too, when he deigned to speak,


s: As if each syllable would break his neck.


s: Thus, to the world of GREAT whilst others crawl,


s: Our sovereign peeps into the world of SMALL;


s: Things that too oft provoke the public scorn,


s: Yet swell of useful knowledges the store,


s: Now boasting Whitbread serious did declare,


s: Placed side by side, to reach along to Kew:


s: On which the king with wonder swiftly cried,


s: "What, if they reach to Kew then, side by side,


s: What would they do, what, what, placed end to end?"


s: Almost to Windsor that they would extend;


s: On which, quick turning round his haltered head,


s: The brewer's horse, with face astonished neighed;


s: The brewer's dog too poured a note of thunder,


s: Rattled his chain, and wagged his tail for wonder.


s: Now did the king for other beers inquire,


s: For Calvert's, Jordan's, Thrale's entire


s: And, after talking of these different beers,


s: Asked Whitbread if his porter equalled theirs?


s: This was a puzzling, disagreeing question;


s: Grating like arsenic on his host's digestion:


s: That not even Solomon himself would ask.


s: With gilded leaves of asses' skin so white,


s: 'Tis hops that give a bitterness to beer--


s: Hops grow in Kent, says Whitbread, and elsewhere.


s: Is there no cheaper stuff? where doth it dwell?


s: Would not horse-aloes bitter it as well?


s: Now having penciled his remarks so shrewd,


s: His majesty his watch most sagely viewed,


s: To Whitbread now deigned majesty to say,


s: "Whitbread, are all your horses fond of hay!"


s: "Yes, please your majesty," in humble notes,


s: The brewer answered--"also, sir, of oats:


s: And that, an't please your majesty, are grains."


s: "Grains, grains," said majesty, "to fill their crops?


s: Grains, grains?--that comes from hops--yes, hops, hops?


s: Here was the king, like hounds sometimes, at fault--


s: "Sire," cried the humble brewer, "give me leave


s: Grains, sire, are never made from hops, but malt."


s: "True," said the cautious monarch, with a smile:


s: "From malt, malt, malt--I meant malt all the while."


s: "Yes," with the sweetest bow, rejoined the brewer,


s: "An't please your majesty, you did, I'm sure."


s: "Yes," answered majesty, with quick reply,


s: Now this was wise in Whitbread--here we find


s: 'Twas really a bright thought in Whitbread's tongue,


s: To tell a little fib, or some such thing,


s: Proud to instruct the ruler of a nation,


s: Had on the folly dwelt, to seem damned clever!


s: Now, what had been the consequence?  Too plain!


s: The man had cut his consequence in twain;


s: The king had hated the WISE fool forever!


s: That nose thou mayest pronounce, nay safely swear,


s: Is nursed on something better than small-beer.


s: Thus when thou findest kings in brewing wise,


s: Or natural history holding lofty station,


s: Thou mayest conclude, with marveling eyes,


s: Now did the king admire the bell so fine,


s: That daily asks the draymen all to dine:


s: On which the bell rung out (how very proper!)


s: To show it was a bell, and had a clapper.


s: And now before their sovereign's curious eye,


s: Parents and children, fine, fat, hopeful sprigs,


s: All snuffling, squinting, grunting in their style,


s: Appeared the brewer's tribe of handsome pigs:


s: On which the observant man, who fills a throne,


s: Declared the pigs were vastly like his own:


s: On which, the brewer, swallowed up in joys,


s: Tears and astonishment in both his eyes,


s: His soul brim full of sentiments so loyal,


s: Heavens! can my pigs compare, sire, with pigs royal?"


s: On which the brewer bowed, and said, "Good God!"


s: Crossed her fair hands, a dear old maid,


s: For such high honor done her father's swine.


s: "Whitbread, d'ye nick the excisemen now and then?


s: Hae, Whitbread, when d'ye think to leave off trade?


s: Hae? what? Miss Whitbread's still a maid, a maid?


s: "D'ye hunt!--hae, hunt? No, no, you are too old--


s: You'll be lord mayor--lord mayor one day--


s: Yes, yes, I've heard so--yes, yes, so I'm told:


s: I'll prick you every year, man, I declare:


s: Yes, Whitbread-yes, yes-you shall be lord mayor.


s: "Whitbread, d'ye keep a coach, or job one, pray?


s: Job, job, that's cheapest; yes, that's best, that's best


s: You put your liveries on the draymen-hee?


s: Hae, Whitbread? you have feather'd well your nest.


s: What, what's the price now, hee, of all your stock?


s: But, Whitbread, what's o'clock, pray, what's o'clock?"


s: Now Whitbread inward said, "May I be cursed


s: Then searched his brains with ruminating eye:


s: But e'er the man of malt an answer found,


s: Quick on his heel, lo, majesty turned round,


s: Skipped off, and baulked the pleasure of reply.


s: Kings in inquisitiveness should be strong-


s: The more a man inquires, the more he'll know.


s: 'Tis possible that thou wilt answer, "No."


s: Well then! he makes a most infernal rout;


s: Sucks, like an elephant, the waves below,


s: With huge proboscis reaching from the sky,


s: At length so full he can't hold one drop more-.


s: He bursts-down rush the waters with a roar


s: On some poor boat, or sloop, or brig, or ship,


s: And almost sinks the wand'rer of the deep:


s: Suck from the tribe of officers the news,


s: Then bear in triumph off each WONDROUS matter,


s: And souse it on the queen with such a clatter!


s: I always would advise folks to ask questions;


s: For, truly, questions are the keys of knowledge:


s: Soldiers, who forage for the mind's digestions,


s: Cut figures at the Old Bailey, and at college;


s: Make chancellors, chief justices, and judges,


s: The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell,


s: Strange mansion! in the bottom of a well,


s: Questions are then the windlass and the rope


s: Damn jokes then, and unmannerly suggestions,


s: Reflecting upon kings for asking questions.


s: Now having well employed his royal lungs


s: On nails, hoops, staves, pumps, barrels, and their bungs,


s: The king and Co. sat down to a collation


s: Of flesh and fish, and fowl of every nation.


s: Dire was the clang of plates, of knife and fork,


s: That merciless fell like tomahawks to work,


s: And fearless scalped the fowl, the fish, and cattle,


s: While Whitbread, in the rear, beheld the battle.


s: The conquering monarch, stopping to take breath


s: Now turned to Whitbread with complacence round,


s: And, merry, thus addressed the man of beer


s: What Whitbread, is it true what people say?


s: Son of a round-head are you? hae? hae? hae?


s: I'm told that you send Bibles to your votes--


s: Prayer-books instead of cash to buy them coats--


s: Your Bedford votes would wish to change their fare--


s: Rather see cash--yes, yes--than books of prayer.


s: Yes, yes, you eat calf's head, you eat calf's head."


s: Now having wonders done on flesh, fowl, fish,


s: Whole hosts o'erturned--and seized on all supplies;


s: To turn to House of Buckingham their eyes.


s: Asked Mr. Whitbread if he'd be a KNIGHT.


s: Whitbread contemplated the knights of Peg,


s: Then to his generous sovereign made a leg,


s: And said, "He was afraid he was too old.


s: He thanked however his most gracious king,


s: But, ah! a different reason 'twas I fear!


s: It was not age that bade the man of beer


s: The proffered honor of the monarch shun:


s: The tale of Margaret's knife, and royal fright,


s: Had almost made him damn the NAME of knight,


s: A tale that farrowed such a world of fun.


s: He mocked the prayer too by the king appointed,


s: A foe to FAST too, is he, let me tell ye;


s: And though a Presbyterian, can not think


s: Heaven (quarrelling with meat and drink)


s: Up rose the monarch with his laureled brow,


s: When Mr. Whitbread, waiting on his chair,


s: Expressed much thanks, much joy, and made a bow.


s: Miss Whitbread now so quick her curtsies drops,


s: Thick as her honored father's Kentish hops;


s: Which hop-like curtsies were returned by dips


s: That never hurt the royal knees and hips;


s: For hips and knees of queens are sacred things,


s: When odes of triumph sound his praise.--


s: Now through a thundering peal of kind huzzas,


s: Proceeding some from hired* and unhired jaws,


s: The raree-show thought proper to retire;


s: Surveyed all Chiswell-street with lofty air,


s: For, lo! they felt themselves some six feet higher


s: particularly country ladies and gentlemen, as an infallible


s: Thus shouldst thou birth-day songs indite;


s: Then stick to earth, and leave the lofty sky:


s: Thus should an honest laureate write of kings--


s: For conscience will not suffer me to wander


s: So very widely from the paths of candor.


s: I know full well SOME kings are to be seen,


s: To whom my verse so bold would give the spleen,


s: Should that bold verse declare they wanted BRAINS


s: I won't say that they NEVER brains possessed--


s: They MAY have been with such a present blessed,


s: And therefore fancy that some STILL remains;


s: For every well-experienced surgeon knows,


s: That men who with their legs have parted,


s: Swear that they've felt a pain in all their TOES,


s: They stared upon their oaken stumps in vain!


s: Fancying the toes were all come back again.


s: If men, then, who their absent toes have mourned,


s: Can fancy those same toes at times returned;


s: May fancy they have stumbled on their senses.


s: Yes, Tom--mine is the way of writing ode--


s: Strange disappointment in thy looks I read;


s: And now I hear thee in proud triumph cry,


s: Tubs, porter, pumps, vats, all the Whitbread throng,


s: Rare things to figure in the Muse's song!"


s: Thomas, I here protest, I want no quarrels


s: On kings and brewers, porter, pumps, and barrels--


s: Far from the dove-like Peter be such strife,


s: But this I tell thee, Thomas, for a fact--


s: Now God preserve all wonder-hunting kings,


s: Whether at Windsor, Buckingham, or Kew-house:


s: And may they never do more foolish things


s: Than visiting Sam Whitbread and his brewhouse.


s: And curse those councils which they praise;


s: You know, great sir, that ancient fellows,


s: Doth your great bard claim less ascendance


s: Will serve us great, but humble creatures.


s: "Needy Knife-grinder! whither are you going?


s: Rough is the road, your wheel is out of order--


s: Bleak blows the blast; your hat has got a hole in't,


s: Cold was the night wind; drifting fast the snows fell:


s: Wide were the downs, and shelterless and naked;


s: When a poor wand'rer struggled on her journey,


s: Drear were the downs, more dreary her reflections;


s: Cold was the night wind, colder was her bosom:


s: She had no home, the world was all before her.


s: Fast o'er the heath a chariot rattled by her:


s: "Pity me!" feebly cried the poor night wanderer,


s: "Pity me, strangers! lest with cold and hunger


s: "Weary Knife-grinder! little think the proud ones,


s: Who in their coaches roll along the turnpike-


s: road, what hard work 'tis crying all day 'Knives and


s: Tell me, Knife-grinder, how came you to grind knives?


s: Was it the squire? or parson of the parish?


s: "Was it the squire, for killing of his game? or


s: Covetous parson, for his tithes distraining?


s: Or roguish lawyer, made you lose your little


s: "(Have you not read the Rights of Man, by Tom Paine?)Drops of


s: Ready to fall, as soon as you have told your


s: "Story! God bless you! I have none to tell, sir,


s: Only last night a-drinking at the Chequers,


s: This poor old hat and breeches, as you see, were


s: "Constables came up, for to take me into


s: Custody; they took me before the justice;


s: "I should be glad to drink your Honor's health in


s: A pot of beer, if you will give me sixpence;


s: "I give thee sixpence! I will see thee damned first--


s: Wretch! whom no sense of wrongs can rouse to vengeance--


s: For one long term, or e'er her trial came,


s: Here BROWNRIGG linger'd. Often have these cells


s: Echoed her blasphemies, as with shrill voice


s: She screamed for fresh Geneva. Not to her


s: Did the blithe fields of Tothill, or thy street,


s: Till at the last, in slow-drawn cart she went


s: Shaped strictest plans of discipline. Sage schemes!


s: Such as Lycurgus taught, when at the shrine


s: The little Spartans; such as erst chastised


s: Our Milton, when at college. For this act


s: Did Brownrigg swing. Harsh laws! But time shall come


s: When France shall reign, and laws be all repeal'd!


s: For thirty years, secluded from mankind,


s: Here MARTEN lingered. Often have these walls


s: Echoed his footsteps, as with even tread


s: He never saw the sun's delightful beams,


s: Save when through yon high bars he pour'd a sad


s: And broken splendor. Dost thou ask his crime?


s: Shaped goodliest plans of happiness on earth,


s: And peace and liberty. Wild dreams! but such


s: Our Milton worship'd. Bless'd hopes! awhile


s: From man withheld, even to the latter days


s: When Christ shall come, and all things be fulfill'd.


s: eyes; gazing tenderly at it, he proceeds--]


s: Sweet kerchief, check'd with heavenly blue,


s: LESS WHITE the ivory than her snowy hand!


s: Enrapt, I watched her from my secret stand,


s: Her taper fingers twirled the giddy ball,


s: Now tost it, following still with EAGLE SIGHT,


s: Now on the pointed end INFIXED its fall.


s: Marking her sport I mused, and musing sighed.


s: Methought the BALL she played with was my HEART;


s: (Alas! that sport like THAT should be her pride!)


s: And the KEEN POINT which steadfast still she eyed


s: Wherewith to pierce it, that was Cupid's DART;


s: Some have denied a soul! THEY NEVER LOVED.


s: She shines confest. When EVERY SOUND IS DEAD,


s: The SPIRIT OF HER VOICE comes then to ROLL


s: Far, far from her my BODY drags its chain,


s: With gold-laced hat and golden-headed cane,


s: Who hangs in Delia's parlor! For whene'er


s: From book or needlework her looks arise,


s: And oft MY FAIR his FAVORED form surveys.


s: Lest the STRONG GLANCE of those DIVINEST charms


s: WARM HIM TO LIFE, as in the ancient days,


s: With gold-laced hat and golden-headed cane!


s: 'Tis mine I what accents can my joy declare?


s: Blest be the pressure of the thronging rout!


s: That left the TEMPTING CORNER hanging out!


s: After long travel to some distant shrine.


s: When at the relic of his saint he kneels,


s: When first with FILCHING FINGERS I drew near,


s: Keen hopes shot tremulous through every vein;


s: And when the FINISHED DEED removed my fear,


s: Scarce could my bounding heart its joy contain.


s: What though the EIGHTH COMMANDMENT rose to mind,


s: It only served a moment's qualm to move;


s: For thefts like this it could not be designed--


s: Here, when she took the maccaroons from me,


s: She wiped her mouth to clear the crumbs so sweet!


s: Dear napkin! yes, she wiped her lips on thee!


s: Lips SWEETER than the MACCAROONS she eat.


s: And when she took that pinch of Moccabaw,


s: And thou art doubly dear for things like these.


s: No washerwoman's filthy hand shall e'er,


s: For thou hast touched the RUBIES of my fair,


s: And I will kiss thee o'er and o'er again.


s: The comb between whose ivory teeth she strains


s: The straightning curls of gold so BEAMY BRIGHT,


s: Not spotless merely from the touch remains,


s: But issues forth MORE PURE, more MILKY WHITE.


s: The rose pomatum that the FRISEUR spreads


s: Sometimes with honored fingers for my fair,


s: With licensed fingers uncontrolled may rove!


s: And happy in his death the DANCING BEAR,


s: Oh could I hope that e'er my favored lays


s: Might CURL THOSE LOVELY LOCKS with conscious pride,


s: Nor Hammond, nor the Mantuan shepherd's praise,


s: Cupid has strung from you, O tresses fine,


s: The bow that in my breast impell'd his dart;


s: From you, sweet locks! he wove the subtile line


s: Wherewith the urchin ANGLED for MY HEART.


s: Fine are my Delia's tresses as the threads


s: That from the silk-worm, SELF-INTERR'D, proceed;


s: Fine as the GLEAMY GOSSAMER that spreads


s: His filmy net-work o'er the tangled mead.


s: Yet with these tresses Cupid's power, elate,


s: My captive HEART has HANDCUFF'D in a chain,


s: Strong as the cables of some huge first-rate,


s: The SYLPHS that round her radiant locks repair,


s: In FLOWING LUSTER bathe their bright'ning wings;


s: And ELFIN MINSTRELS with assiduous care,


s: The ringlets rob for FAIRY FIDDLESTRINGS.


s: Oh! be the day accurst that gave me birth!


s: Ye Seas! to swallow me, in kindness rise!


s: Fall on me, mountains! and thou merciful earth,


s: Now let the central fires their prison burst,


s: And EARTH, and HEAVEN, and AIR, and OCEAN burn,


s: For Delia FROWNS. She FROWNS, and I am curst.


s: Where hostile MILLIONS sought my single life;


s: Would storm VOLCANOES, BATTERIES, with delight,


s: And grapple with Grim Death in glorious strife.


s: Oh! I could brave the bolts of angry Jove,


s: When ceaseless lightnings fire the midnight skies;


s: What is HIS WRATH to that of HER I love?


s: What is his LIGHTNING to my Delia's eyes?


s: Go, fatal lock! I cast thee to the wind;


s: Would I could tear thy memory from my mind,


s: ACCURSED LOCK; thou cause of all my woe!


s: Seize the CURST CURLS, ye Furies, as they fly!


s: Demons of darkness, guard the infernal roll,


s: That thence your cruel vengeance, when I die,


s: Last night--Oh hear me, heaven, and grant my prayer!


s: The BOOK OF FATE before thy suppliant lay,


s: Or let me meet OLD TIME upon his flight,


s: And I will STOP HIM on his restless way;


s: Last night, as o'er the page of love's despair,


s: I stood a TREACHEROUS LOITERER by her chair,


s: And drew the FATAL SCISSORS from my sleeve:


s: And would at that instant o'er my thread


s: And when I reft the lock from Delia's head,


s: She heard the scissors that fair lock divide,


s: And while my heart with transport parted big,


s: "You stupid puppy--you have spoiled my wig!"


s: I've known the day when brats, not quite


s: My pensive Public, wherefore look you sad?


s: And when that donkey looked me in the face,


s: His face was sad I and you are sad, my Public.


s: Joy should be yours: this tenth day of October


s: Long wept my eye to see the timber planks


s: Ah me! I fear they never will rebuild it!


s: As along Charles-street I prepared to walk.


s: Just at the corner, by the pastrycook's,


s: Uprose at least seven inches o'er the planks.


s: He of the Blackfriars' Road, who hymned thy downfall


s: That flames, like those from prostrate Solyma,


s: Would scorch the hand that ventured to rebuild thee,


s: Has proved a lying prophet. From that hour,


s: As leisure offered, close to Mr. Spring's


s: Box-office door, I've stood and eyed the builders.


s: They had a plan to render less their labors;


s: Workmen in olden times would mount a ladder


s: With hodded heads, but these stretched forth a pole


s: From the wall's pinnacle, they placed a pulley


s: Athwart the pole, a rope athwart the pulley;


s: To this a basket dangled; mortar and bricks


s: Thus freighted, swung securely to the top,


s: Oh! 't was a goodly sound, to hear the people


s: Who watched the work, express their various thoughts!


s: While some believed it never would be finished,


s: Some, on the contrary, believed it would.


s: I've heard our front that faces Drury Lane


s: Much criticised; they say 'tis vulgar brick-work,


s: One of the morning papers wished that front


s: Cemented like the front in Brydges-street;


s: As now it looks, they call it Wyatt's Mermaid,


s: White is the steeple of St. Bride's in Fleet-street,


s: The Albion (as its name denotes) is white;


s: Morgan and Saunders' shop for chairs and tables


s: Gleams like a snow-ball in the setting sun;


s: White is Whitehall. But not St. Bride's in Fleet-street,


s: The spotless Albion, Morgan, no, nor Saunders,


s: Nor white Whitehall, is white as Drury's face.


s: I think you should have built a colonnade;


s: When tender Beauty, looking for her coach,


s: Protrudes her gloveless hand, perceives the shower,


s: And draws the tippet closer round her throat,


s: Perchance her coach stands half a dozen off,


s: And, ere she mounts the step, the oozing mud


s: Soaks through her pale kid slipper. On the morrow,


s: She coughs at breakfast, and her gruff papa


s: Cries, "There you go! this comes of playhouses!"


s: Heaven grant it prove not in the end pound foolish!


s: What is the Regency in Tottenham-street,


s: Compared with thee? Yet when I view thee pushed


s: Back from the narrow street that christened thee,


s: I know not why they call thee Drury Lane.


s: Amid the freaks that modern fashion sanctions,


s: Brought on the stage. Grimaldi has his rabbit,


s: Fie on such tricks! Johnson, the machinist


s: Quite to the life. The elephant in Blue Beard,


s: Stuffed by his hand, wound round his lithe proboscis


s: As spruce as he who roared in Padmanaba.


s: Naught born on earth should die. On hackney stands


s: I reverence the coachman who cries "Gee,"


s: And spares the lash. When I behold a spider


s: Or view a butcher with horn-handled knife


s: Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton,


s: Interior of a Theater described.--Pit gradually fills.-The


s: Check-taker.--Pit full.--The Orchestra tuned.--One Fiddle rather


s: 'Tis sweet to view, from half-past five to six,


s: Our long wax-candles, with short cotton wicks,


s: Touched by the lamplighter's Promethean art,


s: Start into light, and make the lighter start;


s: To see red Phoebus through the gallery-pane


s: Tinge with his beams the beams of Drury Lane;


s: While gradual parties fill our widened pit,


s: And gape, and gaze, and wonder, ere they sit.


s: At first, while vacant seats give choice and ease,


s: Distant or near, they settle where they please;


s: But when the multitude contracts the span,


s: And seats are rare, they settle where they can.


s: Now the full benches to late comers doom


s: No room for standing, miscalled STANDING-ROOM.


s: Hark! the check-taker moody silence breaks,


s: And bawling "Pit full!" gives the checks he takes;


s: Yet onward still the gathering numbers cram,


s: Contending crowders shout the frequent damn,


s: And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, and jam.


s: See to their desks Apollo's sons repair--


s: Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair!


s: Murmurs the hautboy, growls the coarse bassoon;


s: In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute,


s: Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute,


s: Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp,


s: Winds the French horn, and twangs the tingling harp


s: Till, like great Jove, the leader, fingering in,


s: Now all seems hushed--but, no, one fiddle will


s: Give half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still.


s: Foiled in his clash, the leader of the clan


s: Then on his candlestick thrice taps his bow,


s: Perchance, while pit and gallery cry "Hats off!"


s: And awed Consumption checks his chided cough,


s: Some giggling daughter of the Queen of Love


s: Drops, 'reft of pin, her play-bill from above:


s: Like Icarus, while laughing galleries clap,


s: Soars, ducks, and dives in air the printed scrap;


s: But, wiser far than he, combustion fears,


s: And, as it flies, eludes the chandeliers;


s: Till, sinking gradual, with repeated twirl,


s: It settles, curling, on a fiddler's curl;


s: Who from his powdered pate the intruder strikes,


s: And, for mere malice, sticks it on the spikes.


s: Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues?


s: Who's that calls "Silence!" with such leathern lungs?


s: He who, in quest of quiet, "Silence!" hoots,


s: What various swains our motley walls contain!


s: Fashion from Moorfields, honor from Chick Lane;


s: Bankers from Paper Buildings here resort,


s: Bankrupts from Golden Square and Riches Court;


s: From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain,


s: Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water Lane;


s: The lottery cormorant, the auction shark,


s: The full-price master, and the half-price clerk;


s: Boys who long linger at the gallery-door,


s: Till some Samaritan the two-pence spares,


s: And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs.


s: Critics we boast who ne'er their malice balk,


s: But talk their minds--we wish they'd mind their talk


s: Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live--


s: Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give;


s: That for old clothes they'd even ax St. Mary;


s: And bucks with pockets empty as their pate,


s: Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait;


s: Who oft, when we our house lock up, carouse


s: With tippling tipstaves in a lock-up house.


s: Yet here, as elsewhere, Chance can joy bestow,


s: Where scowling fortune seemed to threaten woe.


s: Was footman to Justinian Stubbs, Esquire;


s: But when John Dwyer listed in the Blues,


s: Emanuel Jennings polished Stubb's shoes.


s: Emanuel Jennings brought his youngest boy


s: In Holywell Street, St. Pancras, he was bred


s: Facing the pump, and near the Granby's Head:


s: He would have bound him to some shop in town,


s: But with a premium he could not come down.


s: Pat was the urchin's name-a red haired youth,


s: Ponder of purl and skittle-grounds than truth.


s: Silence, ye gods! to keep your tongue in awe,


s: The Muse shall tell an accident she saw.


s: But, leaning forward, Jennings lost his hat:


s: And spurned the one to settle in the two.


s: How shall he act? Pay at the gallery-door


s: Two shillings for what cost, when new, but four?


s: Or till half-price, to save his shilling, wait,


s: And gain his hat again at half-past eight?


s: Now, while his fears anticipate a thief,


s: John Mullins whispers, "Take my handkerchief."


s: "Thank you," cries Pat; "but one won't make a line."


s: "Take mine," cries Wilson; and cries Stokes, "Take mine."


s: Where Spitalfields with real India vies.


s: Like Iris' bow, down darts the painted clew,


s: Starred, striped, and spotted, yellow, red, and blue,


s: George Green below, with palpitating hand


s: Loops the last 'kerchief to the beaver's band--


s: Up soars the prize! The youth, with joy unfeigned,


s: Regained the felt, and felt the prize regained;


s: While to the applauding galleries grateful Pat


s: Made a low bow, and touched the ransomed hat.


s: Stiff spikes of steel protect my knuckles.


s: They might have thought, who gazed around


s: For shouts were heard 'mid fire and smoke,


s: And, lo! where Catharine street extends,


s: Each sought his pond'rous hobnailed shoes,


s: The engines thundered through the street,


s: Concealed them from th' astonished crowd.


s: 'Mid blazing beams and scalding streams,


s: Through fire and smoke he dauntless broke,    Where Muggins broke


s: Still o'er his head, while Fate he braved,


s: You, Clutterbuck, come, stir your stumps,


s: What are they fear'd on? fools: 'od rot 'em!"


s: Roll, roll thy hoop, and twirl thy tops,


s: Dangling beneath, for Whitbread's shears


s: You might have deemed her walls so thick,


s: "You praise our sires: but though they wrote with force,


s: Their rhymes were vicious, and their diction coarse:


s: We want their STRENGTH, agreed; but we atone


s: For that and more, by SWEETNESS all our own"--GIFFORD.


s: Puff out their lantern's rush-light ray;


s: And QUEER each o'erfraught chaise's load,


s: Join the FLASH crowd (the horse being led


s: While round the waist the 'kerchief tied,


s: They were not married by a muttering priest,


s: With superstitious rites, and senseless words,


s: Out-snuffled from an old worm-eaten book,


s: In a dark corner (railed off like a sheep-pen)


s: Of an old house, that fools do call a CHURCH!


s: THEIR altar was the flowery lap of earth--


s: Their book each other's eyes--and Love himself


s: Parson, and Clerk, and Father to the bride!--


s: There was a sort of drizzling rain that day,


s: Far more expressive) that I stood for shelter


s: (It might be ten) from Sheriff Waithman's shop


s: For half an hour or more, and there I mused


s: (Mine eyes upon the running kennel fixed,


s: To the common sewer, it's dark reservoir),


s: I mused upon the running stream of LIFE!


s: But that's not much to the purpose--I was telling


s: Of these most pure espousals.--Innocent pair!


s: Ye were not shackled by the vulgar chains


s: About the yielding mind of credulous youth,


s: Wound by the nurse and priest--YOUR energies,


s: Taught ye to soar above their "settled rules


s: Of Vice and Virtue." Fairest creature! He


s: Whom the world called thy husband, was in truth


s: Unworthy of thee.-A dull plodding wretch!


s: With whose ignoble nature thy free spirit


s: Held no communion.--'T was well done, fair creature!


s: Free as "that chartered libertine, the air."


s: Joy to thy chosen partner! blest exchange!


s: Your kindred souls by    *    *    *    *


s: There fled the noblest spirit--The most pure,


s: Exhaled, dissolved, diffused, commingled now


s: Of Nature, the great mother. Ev'n in life,


s: While still, pent-up in flesh, and skin, and bones,


s: My thoughts and feelings like electric flame


s: Shot through the solid mass, toward the source,


s: When thy young star o'er life's horizon hung


s: Far from it's zenith yet low lagging clouds


s: (Vapors of earth) obscured its heaven-born rays--


s: And thou didst wear awhile th' unholy bonds


s: The shame it was-the crying, crushing shame,


s: Then did thy boundless tenderness expand


s: And things inanimate. Thou hadst a heart,


s: Stranded and gasping--ripped up for his blubber


s: By Man the Tyrant.--The small sucking pig


s: Slain for his riot.--The down-trampled flower


s: Crushed by his cruel foot.--ALL, EACH, and ALL


s: Shared in thy boundless sympathies, and then--


s: Then didst thou spurn the whimp'ring wailing thing


s: That dared to call THEE "husband," and to claim,


s: As her just right, support and love from THEE--


s: With daddles [Footnote: Hands.] high upraised, and NOB held back,


s: And light manoeuv'ring, kindled up the war!


s: The One, in bloom of youth--a LIGHT-WEIGHT BLADE--


s: Express, by Nature for the hammering trade;


s: But aged, slow, with stiff limbs, tottering much,


s: And lungs, that lack'd the BELLOWS-MENDER'S touch.


s: Yet, sprightly TO THE SCRATCH both BUFFERS came,


s: While RIBBERS rung from each resounding frame,


s: And divers DIGS, and many a ponderous PELT,


s: Were on their broad BREAD-BASKETS heard and felt


s: With roving aim, but aim that rarely miss'd,


s: That the crush'd jaw-bones crackled as they fell!


s: But firmly stood ENTELLUS--and still bright,


s: Though bent by age, with all THE FANCY'S light,


s: STOPP'D with a skill, and RALLIED with a fire


s: While DARES, SHIFTING round, with looks of thought,


s: An opening to the COVE'S huge carcase sought


s: (Like General PRESTON, in that awful hour,


s: When on ONE leg he hopp'd to--take the Tower!)


s: And here, and there, explored with active FIN [Footnote: Arm.]


s: And skillful FEINT, some guardless pass to win,


s: And prove a BORING guest when once LET IN.


s: And now ENTELLUS, with an eye that plann'd


s: PUNISHING deeds, high raised his heavy hand,


s: But, ere the SLEDGE came down, young DARES spied


s: His shadow o'er his brow, and slipp'd aside--


s: So nimbly slipp'd, that the vain NOBBER pass'd


s: Through empty air; and He, so high, so vast,


s: Who dealt the stroke, came thundering to the ground


s: Not B--CK--GH--M himself, with bulkier sound,


s: Uprooted from the field of Whiggish glories,


s: Fell SOUSE, of late, among the astonish'd Tories!


s: Instant the RING was broke, and shouts and yells


s: From Trojan FLASHMEN and Sicilian SWELLS


s: Fill'd the wide heaven--while, touch'd with grief to see


s: Thus RUMLY FLOOR'D, the kind ACESTES ran,


s: And pitying raised from earth the GAME old man,


s: Uncow'd, undamaged to the SPORT he came,


s: His limbs all muscle, and his soul all flame.


s: The shame that aught but death should see him GRASS'D,


s: All fired the veteran's PLUCK--with fury flush'd,


s: Full on his light-limb'd CUSTOMER he rush'd--


s: And HAMMERING right and left, with ponderous swing,


s: RUFFIAN'D the reeling youngster round the RING--


s: Nor rest, nor pause, nor breathing-time was given,


s: But, rapid as the rattling hail from heaven


s: Beats on the house-top, showers of RANDALL'S SHOT


s: Around the Trojan's LUGS flew peppering hot!


s: Till now AENEAS, fill'd with anxious dread,


s: Rush'd in between them, and, with words well-bred


s: Preserved alike the peace and DARES' head,


s: BOTH which the veteran much inclined to BREAK--


s: Then kindly thus the PUNISH'D youth bespake:


s: Poor JOHNNY RAW! what madness could impel


s: Sees't thou not, boy, THE FANCY, heavenly Maid,


s: Herself descends to this great HAMMERER'S aid,


s: And, singling HIM from all her FLASH adorers,


s: Shines in his HITS, and thunders in his FLOORERS?


s: Then, yield thee, youth--nor such a SPOONEY be,


s: Thus spoke the Chief--and now, the SCRIMAGE o'er,


s: His faithful PALS the DONE-UP DARES bore


s: Back to his home, with tottering GAMS, sunk heart,


s: And MUNS and NODDLE PINK'D in every part.


s: While from his GOB the guggling CLARET gush'd,


s: And lots of GRINDERS, from their sockets crush'd,


s: Forth with the crimson tide in rattling fragments rush'd!


s: Not a SOUS had he got--not a guinea or note,


s: As he bolted away without paying his shot,


s: All bare, and exposed to the midnight dews,


s: And he look'd like a gentleman taking a snooze,


s: "The Doctor's as drunk as the d----," we said,


s: We raised him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head


s: We bore him home, and we put him to bed,


s: To give him, next morning, a couple of red


s: Loudly they talk'd of his money that's gone,


s: But little he reck'd, so they let him snore on


s: 'Neath the counterpane just as we laid him.


s: We heard the rough voice of a son of a gun


s: A rushlight was placed on the cold hearth-stone,


s: "And hast thou nerve to view," he cried,


s: "The incarnate Fiend that Heaven defied!--


s: "Say, canst Thou, with unshrinking gaze,


s: Sustain, rash youth, the withering blaze


s: That blasts where'er it lights--the breath


s: --"Darest thou confront that fearful form,


s: That rides the whirlwind, and the storm,


s: With skull and cross-bones fenc'd around;


s: "He comes !"--he cried with wild grimace,


s: For Bays the dead bard's crowned with Yew,


s: tion, comes to prate of wedge and screw,


s: In rhetoric, spells his lectures through,


s: The sun was slumbering in the west, my daily labors past;


s: On Anna's soft and gentle breast my head reclined at last;


s: The darkness closed around, so dear to fond congenial souls,


s: And thus she murmured in my ear, "My love, we're out of coals.


s: "That Mister Bond has called again, insisting on his rent;


s: And all the Todds are coming up to see us, out of Kent;


s: I quite forgot to tell you John has had a tipsy fall;--


s: I'm sure there's something going on with that vile Mary Hall!


s: I really think the Jones's house would be the thing for us;


s: I think I told you Mrs. Pope had parted with her NUS--


s: "Cook, by the way, came up to-day, to bid me suit myself--


s: (But stop--first let me kiss away that tear)--


s: (My love, he's poking peas into his ear!)


s: Untouched by sorrow, and unsoiled by sin--


s: (Good heavens! the child is swallowing a pin!)


s: Light as the singing bird that wings the air--


s: (The door! the door! he'll tumble down the stair!)


s: (Why, Jane, he'll set his pinafore afire!)


s: In Love's dear chain so strong and bright a link,


s: Thou idol of thy parents--(Drat the boy!


s: Fit playfellow for Fays, by moonlight pale,


s: (That dog will bite him if he pulls its tail!)


s: Thou human humming-bee, extracting honey


s: From every blossom in the world that blows,


s: (Another tumb!--that's his precious nose!)


s: (He'll break the mirror with that skipping-rope!)


s: With pure heart newly stamped from Nature's mint--


s: (He'll have that jug off, with another shove!)


s: (He'll climb upon the table, that's his plan!)


s: Touched with the beauteous tints of dawning life--


s: No storms, no clouds, in thy blue sky foreseeing,


s: Toss the light ball--bestride the stick--


s: (I knew so many cakes would make him sick!)


s: With fancies, buoyant as the thistle-down,


s: Prompting the face grotesque, and antic brisk,


s: (He's got the scissors, snipping at your gown!)


s: (Go to your mother, child, and wipe your nose!)


s: Balmy and breathing music like the South,


s: (He really brings my heart into my mouth!)Fresh as the morn, and


s: Bold as the hawk, yet gentle as the dove--


s: I can not write, unless he's sent above!)


s: That now unplucked of their quill-feathers wander,


s: Cackling, and gabbling, dabbling, making merry,


s: For which they chant thy praise all Britain through,


s: To carry it on jaunts, or more extensive


s: PERRYgrinations through the realms of thought;


s: Each plying from the Comic to the Pensive,


s: Modern improvements in their course we feel,


s: And while to iron railroads heavy wares,


s: Dry goods and human bodies, pay their fares,


s: To Pennsylvania, or, without rash vaunts,


s: In times bygone, when each man cut his quill,


s: What horrid, awkward, bungling tools of trade


s: Appeared the writing implements home-made!


s: What Pens were sliced, hewed, hacked, and haggled out,


s: Slit or unslit, with many a various snout,


s: Aquiline, Roman, crooked, square, and snubby.


s: And some to grub down Peter Stubbs his mark,


s: Or smudge through some illegible receipt;


s: Equal to ships, and wiggy heads, and swans!


s: And split like endive in some hurly-burly;


s: The third, incipient pop-gun, not yet made;


s: The fourth a broom; the fifth of no avail,


s: And last, not least, by way of a relief,


s: A stump that Master Richard, James or John,


s: They do not with a whizzing zig-zag split,


s: Straddle, turn up their noses, sulk, and spit,


s: They will not frizzle up, or, broom-like, drudge


s: Nay, bought at proper "Patent Perryan" shops,


s: They write good grammar, sense, and mind their stops