s: In a home that reeks of tar and sperm-oil!


s: Of those days which we, afar from turmoil,


s: And with smiles and good humor she meet me,


s: Her head's like the island folks tell on,


s: She's like nothing on earth--but a woman!


s: The birds had come; the bees were swarming.


s: And swore they never saw such wee things;


s: And tore her piecemeal o'er the tea-things.


s: Her patients thronged the village street;


s: And some pronounced her pills delightful.


s: 'Twas strange--I knew not what it meant--


s: The drugs I've drunk you'd weep to hear!


s: They've quite enriched the fair concocter,


s: And then--and then--I know 'twas wrong--


s: They were strolling together up the hill,


s: Where the wind comes blowing merry and chill;


s: And it blew the curls, a frolicsome race,


s: Till, scolding and laughing, she tied them in,


s: And it blew a colour bright as the bloom


s: All over the cheeks of the prettiest girl


s: The wildest tricks with the little maid,


s: Oh, western wind, do you think it was fair


s: To play such tricks with her floating hair?--


s: To blow her against the young man's breast,


s: If she hides, then they all keep staring


s: For they're all like sweet Mistress Malone!


s: O they're all like sweet Mistress Malone!


s: Mid Berkshire's hills, one winter's day,


s: "What's that?" the startled master cries;


s: "Wath William Willith, if you pleathe,--


s: With smile suppressed, and birch upraised,


s: "'Twas she herself, sir," sobbed the lad,


s: But, somehow, from her looks--boo--hoo--


s: I wus mighty good-lookin' when I wus young--


s: With fellers a-courtin' me Sunday nights,


s: But I toss'd up my head, an' made fun o' the crowd,


s: But they kep' up a-comin' in spite o' my talk,


s: 'Twas the only way to get rid of 'em all,


s: As beautiful Kitty one morning was tripping,


s: With a pitcher of milk from the fair of Coleraine,


s: When she saw me she stumbled, the pitcher it tumbled,


s: And all the sweet buttermilk water'd the plain.


s: "O, what shall I do now, 'twas looking at you now,


s: Sure, sure, such a pitcher I'll ne'er meet again!


s: 'Twas the pride of my dairy: O Barney M'Cleary!


s: You're sent as a plague to the girls of Coleraine."


s: I sat down beside her,--and gently did chide her,


s: That such a misfortune should give her such pain;


s: A kiss then I gave her,--and ere I did leave her,


s: She vow'd for such pleasure she'd break it again.


s: 'Twas hay-making season, I can't tell the reason,


s: Misfortunes will never come single,--that's plain,


s: For, very soon after poor Kitty's disaster,


s: The devil a pitcher was whole in Coleraine.


s: But though he'll dance and smile and flirt,


s: I've bought big books and talked of them


s: But Spurzheim could not touch their hearts,


s: Oh, I know a certain woman who is reckoned with the good,


s: But she fills me with more terror than a raging lion would.


s: The little chills run up and down my spine when'er we meet,


s: Though she seems a gentle creature and she's very trim and neat.


s: And she has a thousand virtues and not one acknowledged sin,


s: But she is the sort of person you could liken to a pin,


s: But she fills you with discomfort and exasperating pain--


s: If anybody asks you why, you really can't explain.


s: A pin is such a tiny thing,--of that there is no doubt,--


s: She is wonderfully observing--when she meets a pretty girl


s: She is always sure to tell her if her "bang" is out of curl.


s: And she is so sympathetic: to a friend, who's much admired,


s: She is often heard remarking, "Dear, you look so worn and tired!"


s: And she is a careful critic; for on yesterday she eyed


s: The new dress I was airing with a woman's natural pride,


s: And she said, "Oh, how becoming!" and then softly added, "It


s: Is really a misfortune that the basque is such a fit."


s: And she left me with the feeling--most unpleasant, I aver--


s: That the whole world would despise me if it had not been for her.


s: Whenever I encounter her, in such a nameless way


s: She gives me the impression I am at my worst that day,


s: And the hat that was imported (and that cost me half a sonnet)


s: With just one glance from her round eyes becomes a Bowery bonnet.


s: Oh! I wish some hapless specimen of mankind would begin


s: To tidy up the world for me, by picking up this pin.


s: "You have heard," said a youth to his sweetheart, who stood


s: While he sat on a corn-sheaf, at daylight's decline--


s: "You have heard of the Danish boy's whistle of wood;


s: I wish that the Danish boy's whistle were mine!"


s: "And what would you do with it?--tell me," she said,


s: While an arch smile play'd over her beautiful face.


s: "I would blow it," he answered, "and then my fair maid


s: Would fly to my side, and would there take her place."


s: "Is that all you wish for? Why, that may be yours


s: Without any magic," the fair maiden cried;


s: "A favour so slight one's good-nature secures;"


s: And she playfully seated herself by his side.


s: "I would blow it again," said the youth; "and the charm


s: Would work so, that not even modesty's check


s: Would be able to keep from my neck your white arm."


s: She smiled, and she laid her white arm round his neck.


s: "Yet once more I would blow, and the music divine


s: Would bring me a third time an exquisite bliss


s: You would lay your fair cheek to this brown one of mine


s: And your lips, stealing past it, would give me a kiss."


s: The maiden laughed out in her innocent glee--


s: "What a fool of yourself with the whistle you'd make!


s: To sit there and whistle for what you might take."


s: |Celeste| (_gazing at the solitary white Cloud_):


s: I wonder what your thoughts are, little Cloud,


s: |Cloud|: Not proud, dear maiden; lonely, if you will.


s: Long have I watched you, sitting there so still


s: Before that little shrine beside the way,


s: And wondered where your thoughts might be astray;


s: |Celeste| (_picks up her knitting_): Who was she?


s: What happened to _her_ knitting? Tell me, Cloud!


s: |Cloud|: She was a Queen; she wove her husband's shroud.


s: |Cloud|: There, there! 'Twas only an excuse


s: Bidding them bide till it was finished, she


s: |Cloud|:                    If I remember right,


s: It was the lovers needed shrouds that night!


s: It is an old, old tale. I heard it through


s: We Clouds pick up strange tales, as far and wide


s: Freighted with friendly flood or forkèd flame,


s: Knowing not whither bound nor whence we came;


s: |Celeste|:                       Oft-times I see


s: A Cloud, as by some playful fancy stirred,


s: Take likeness of a monstrous beast or bird


s: Or some fantastic fish, as though 'twere clay


s: |Cloud|:                      Then tell me, pray,


s: |Celeste|:                       I scarcely know.


s: I should have said a camel; then your hump


s: Dissolved, and you became a gosling plump,


s: |Cloud|:              What! _Warm_, up here?


s: |Celeste|:                               Oh dear!


s: |Cloud|:                  And who is this Pierre


s: That tells you all the secrets of the air?


s: How came he to such frigid heights to soar?


s: |Celeste|: Pierre's my--He is in the Flying Corps.


s: |Cloud|: Ah, now I understand! And he's away?


s: |Celeste|: He left at dawn, where for he would not say,


s: |Cloud|:                  What, little maid?


s: |Cloud|: Only a skylark dropping to her nest;


s: Her mate is hov'ring somewhere near. I heard


s: |Celeste|:                     That was no bird!


s: O Mary! Blessed Mother! Hear, my prayer!


s: That one that fell--grant it was not Pierre!


s: Will burn the longest candle it will buy!


s: |Cloud|: Courage, my child! Your prayer will not be vain!


s: Who guards the lark, will guide your lover's plane.


s: The West Wind's calling. I must go!--Hark! There


s: He sings again! _Le bon Dieu garde, ma chère!_


s: |Pierre|: I made a perfect landing over there


s: |Celeste|:                   The Virgin heard my prayer!


s: Now I must burn the candle that I vowed--


s: |Pierre|: Then 'twas our Blessed Lady sent that Cloud


s: That saved me when the Boche came up behind.


s: The Boche on top of me. It seemed a kind


s: As clear as clear; there was no Cloud in sight.


s: It looked to me, floating there calm and white.


s: She seemed to call me, and I scurried quick


s: Behind her wing. That spoiled the Boche's game,


s: And gave me time to turn and take good aim.


s: I emptied my last drum, and saw him drop


s: |Celeste| (_shuddering_):          Stop! Pierre, stop!


s: |Pierre|: 'Twas either him or me |Celeste|:


s: "You gave me the key of your heart, my love;


s: When he wrote his name on a laundry bill.


s: And the maids are false,--as everywhere.


s: And speed your Brush, I'll shut my Eyes."


s: Now when her Eyes were closed, the Dear,


s: Tom's album was filled with the pictures of belles


s: From the fairy who danced for the front-row swells


s: But one face as fair as a cloudless dawn


s: Caught my eye, and I said, "Who's this?"


s: "Oh, that," he replied, with a skilful yawn,


s: Her face was the best in the book, no doubt,


s: And we're all of us prone to sigh in vain


s: Young Rory O'More, courted Kathleen Bawn,


s: He was bold as a hawk,--she as soft as the dawn;


s: He wish'd in his heart pretty Kathleen to please,


s: And he thought the best way to do that was to tease.


s: "Now, Rory, be aisy," sweet Kathleen would cry,


s: (Reproof on her lip, but a smile in her eye),


s: "With your tricks I don't know, in troth, what I'm about,


s: Faith you've teased till I've put on my cloak inside out."


s: You've thrated my heart for this many a day;


s: And 'tis plaz'd that I am, and why not to be sure?


s: For 'tis all for good luck," says bold Rory O'More.


s: "Indeed, then," says Kathleen, "don't think of the like,


s: For I half gave a promise to soothering Mike;


s: The ground that I walk on he loves, I'll be bound."


s: "Faith," says Rory, "I'd rather love you than the ground."


s: "Now, Rory, I'll cry if you don't let me go;


s: Sure I drame ev'ry night that I'm hating you so!"


s: "Oh," says Rory, "that same I'm delighted to hear,


s: For drames always go by conthraries, my dear;


s: And bright morning will give dirty night the black lie!


s: And 'tis plaz'd that I am, and why not, to be sure?


s: Since 'tis all for good luck," says bold Rory O'More.


s: "Arrah, Kathleen, my darlint, you've teas'd me enough,


s: Sure I've thrash'd for your sake Dinny Grimes and Jim Duff;


s: And I've made myself, drinking your health, quite a baste,


s: So I think, after that, I may talk to the praste."


s: Then Rory, the rogue, stole his arm around her neck,


s: So soft and so white, without freckle or speck,


s: And he look'd in her eyes that were beaming' with light,


s: And he kiss'd her sweet lips;--don't you think he was right?


s: "Now, Rory, leave off, sir; you'll hug me no more,


s: That's eight times to-day you have kiss'd me before."


s: "Then here goes another," says he, "to make sure,


s: For there's luck in odd numbers," says Rory O'More.


s: "_Le temps le mieux employé est celui qu' on perd._"


s: I'd read three hours. Both notes and text


s: "You're reading Greek?" "I am--and you?"


s: "But hear,--the next's in stronger style:


s: She blushed--this time. "If Plato's page


s: Each waltzes, each warbles, each paints--


s: I've a scruple,--a grain, more affection,


s: Should appear, is it wrong to suppose,--


s: As the claims of the others are equal,--


s: That I might ... But no matter,--the sequel


s: If I were you, when ladies at the play, Sir,


s: I would not turn abstractedly away, Sir,


s: Wait for three hours to take me down to Kew,


s: If I were you, when ladies are so lavish,


s: I would not dance with _odious_ Miss M'Tavish,


s: If I were you, who vow you cannot suffer


s: Whiff of the best,--the mildest "honey dew,"


s: I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer,


s: If I were you, I would not, Sir, be bitter,


s: No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter,


s: Really! You would? Why, Frank, you're quite delightful,--


s: Borrow my fan. I would not look so _frightful_,


s: "It is the cause." I mean your chaperon is


s: Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu!


s: _I_ shall retire. I'd spare that poor Adonis,


s: Go, if you will. At once! And by express, Sir!


s: Go. I should leave inquirers my address, Sir,


s: Seems, on the whole, the proper thing to do--


s: Ah, you are strong,--I would not then be cruel,


s: One does not like one's feelings to be doubted,--


s: One does not like one's friends to misconstrue,--


s: Ask me to dance. I'd say no more about it,


s: Miss Flora McFlimsey, of Madison Square,


s: Has made three separate journeys to Paris;


s: And her father assures me, each time she was there,


s: (Not the lady whose name is so famous in history,


s: But plain Mrs. H., without romance or mystery)


s: Spent six consecutive weeks without stopping,


s: At all hours of the day, and in all sorts of weather:


s: For all manner of things that a woman can put


s: On the crown of her head or the sole of her foot,


s: Or wrap round her shoulders, or fit round her waist,


s: Or that can be sewed on, or pinned on, or laced,


s: Or tied on with a string, or stitched on with a bow,


s: For bonnets, mantillas, capes, collars, and shawls;


s: Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls;


s: Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in,


s: Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in;


s: Dresses for winter, spring, summer, and fall,--


s: All of them different in color and pattern,


s: Silk, muslin, and lace, crape, velvet, and satin,


s: Brocade, and broadcloth, and other material


s: Quite as expensive and much more ethereal:


s: In short, for all things that could ever be thought of,


s: Or milliner, modiste, or tradesman be bought of,


s: From ten-thousand-francs robes to twenty-sous frills;


s: In all quarters of Paris, and to every store:


s: While McFlimsey in vain stormed, scolded, and swore.


s: They footed the streets, and he footed the bills.


s: The last trip, their goods shipped by the steamer _Argo_


s: Formed, McFlimsey declares, the bulk of her cargo,


s: Not to mention a quantity kept from the rest,


s: Sufficient to fill the largest-sized chest,


s: Which did not appear on the ship's manifest,


s: But for which the ladies themselves manifested


s: Such particular interest that they invested


s: Their own proper persons in layers and rows


s: Of muslins, embroideries, worked underclothes,


s: Gloves, handkerchiefs, scarfs, and such trifles as those;


s: Then, wrapped in great shawls, like Circassian beauties,


s: Gave _good-by_ to the ship, and _go-by_ to the duties.


s: Her relations at home all marvelled, no doubt,


s: Miss Flora had grown so enormously stout


s: For an actual belle and a possible bride;


s: But the miracle ceased when she turned inside out,


s: And the truth came to light, and the dry-goods beside,


s: Which, in spite of collector and custom-house sentry,


s: And yet, though scarce three months have passed since the day


s: The merchandise went, on twelve carts, up Broadway,


s: This same Miss McFlimsey, of Madison Square,


s: The last time we met, was in utter despair,


s: Because she had nothing whatever to wear!


s: |Nothing to wear|! Now, as this is a true ditty,


s: I do not assert--this you know is between us--


s: That she's in a state of absolute nudity,


s: Like Powers's Greek Slave, or the Medici Venus;


s: But I do mean to say I have heard her declare,


s: When at the same moment she had on a dress


s: Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less,


s: That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear!


s: I should mention just here, that out of Miss Flora's


s: I had just been selected as he who should throw all


s: The rest in the shade, by the gracious bestowal


s: On myself, after twenty or thirty rejections


s: Of those fossil remains which she called her "affections,"


s: And that rather decayed but well-known work of art,


s: Which Miss Flora persisted in styling "her heart."


s: So we were engaged. Our troth had been plighted


s: Not by moonbeam or starbeam, by fountain or grove;


s: But in a front parlor, most brilliantly lighted,


s: Beneath the gas-fixtures we whispered our love--


s: Without any romance, or raptures, or sighs,


s: Without any tears in Miss Flora's blue eyes,


s: Or blushes, or transports, or such silly actions;


s: It was one of the quietest business transactions,


s: With a very small sprinkling of sentiment, if any,


s: And a very large diamond imported by Tiffany.


s: On her virginal lips while I printed a kiss,


s: She exclaimed, as a sort of parenthesis,


s: And by way of putting me quite at my ease,


s: "You know, I'm to polka as much as I please,


s: And flirt when I like,--now stop,--don't you speak,--


s: And you must not come here more than twice in the week,


s: But always be ready to come when I call:


s: So don't prose to me about duty and stuff,--


s: If we don't break this off, there will be time enough


s: For that sort of thing; but the bargain must be,


s: That as long as I choose I am perfectly free:


s: For this is a sort of engagement, you see,


s: Which is binding on you, but not binding on me."


s: Well, having thus wooed Miss McFlimsey, and gained her,


s: With the silks, crinolines, and hoops that contained her,


s: I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder


s: At least in the property, and the best right


s: To appear as its escort by day and by night;


s: And it being the week of the Stuckups' grand ball,--


s: Their cards had been out for a fortnight or so,


s: I found her--as ladies are apt to be found


s: When the time intervening between the first sound


s: Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter


s: Than usual--I found--I won't say I caught--her


s: Intent on the pier-glass, undoubtedly meaning


s: To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning.


s: She turned as I entered--"Why, Harry, you sinner,


s: I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner!"


s: "So I did," I replied; "but the dinner is swallowed,


s: And digested, I trust; for 'tis now nine or more:


s: So being relieved from that duty, I followed


s: Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door.


s: And now will your Ladyship so condescend


s: Your beauty and graces and presence to lend


s: (All of which, when I own, I hope no one will borrow)


s: To the Stuckups, whose party, you know, is to-morrow?"


s: The fair Flora looked up with a pitiful air,


s: And answered quite promptly, "Why, Harry, _mon cher_,


s: I should like above all things to go with you there;


s: But really and truly--I've nothing to wear."


s: Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far,


s: I engage, the most bright and particular star


s: On the Stuckup horizon--" I stopped, for her eye,


s: Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery,


s: Opened on me at once a most terrible battery


s: Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply,


s: But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose


s: (That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say,


s: "How absurd that any sane man should suppose


s: That a lady would go to a ball in the clothes,


s: No matter how fine, that she wears every day!"


s: So I ventured again--"Wear your crimson brocade."


s: (Second turn-up of nose)--"That's too dark by a shade."--


s: "Your blue silk--" "That's too heavy."--"Your pink--" "That's too


s: "Wear tulle over satin." "I can't endure white."--


s: "Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch--"


s: "I haven't a thread of point lace to match."--


s: "Your brown moire-antique--" "Yes, and look like a Quaker."--


s: "The pearl-colored--" "I would, but that plaguy dressmaker


s: Has had it a week."--"Then that exquisite lilac,


s: In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock."


s: (Here the nose took again the same elevation)--


s: "I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation."


s: "Why not? It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it


s: As more _comme il faut_"--"Yes, but, dear me, that lean


s: Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it,


s: And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen."--


s: "Then that splendid purple, that sweet mazarine,


s: That superb _point d'aiguille_, that imperial green,


s: That zephyr-like tarlatan, that rich grenadine--"


s: "Not one of all which is fit to be seen,"


s: Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed.


s: "Then wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed


s: Opposition, "that gorgeous toilette which you sported


s: In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation,


s: When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation;


s: And by all the grand court were so very much courted."


s: The end of the nose was portentously tipped up,


s: And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation,


s: As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation,


s: "I have worn it three times at the least calculation,


s: And that and most of my dresses are ripped up!"


s: Here I _ripped out_ something, perhaps rather rash--


s: Quite innocent, though; but to use an expression


s: More striking than classic, it "settled my hash,"


s: And proved very soon the last act of our session.


s: "Fiddlesticks, is it, sir? I wonder the ceiling


s: Doesn't fall down and crush you!--oh, you men have no feeling.


s: You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatures,


s: Who set yourselves up as patterns and preachers,


s: Your silly pretence--why, what a mere guess it is!


s: Pray, what do you know of a woman's necessities?


s: I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear,


s: And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care,


s: But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher):


s: "I suppose if you dared you would call me a liar.


s: Our engagement is ended, sir--yes, on the spot;


s: You're a brute, and a monster, and--I don't know what."


s: Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief,


s: As gentle expletives which might give relief:


s: But this only proved as a spark to the powder,


s: And the storm I had raised came faster and louder;


s: It blew, and it rained, thundered, lightened, and hailed


s: Interjections, verbs, pronouns, till language quite failed


s: To express the abusive, and then its arrears


s: Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears;


s: And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs-


s: Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat too,


s: Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo,


s: In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay


s: Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say:


s: Then, without going through the form of a bow,


s: Found myself in the entry,--I hardly knew how,--


s: On doorstep and sidewalk, past lamp-post and square,


s: At home and up-stairs, in my own easy-chair;


s: Poked my feet into slippers, my fire into blaze,


s: And said to myself, as I lit my cigar,--


s: Supposing a man had the wealth of the Czar


s: Of the Russias to boot, for the rest of his days,


s: On the whole do you think he would have much time to spare


s: If he married a woman with nothing to wear?


s: Which says that though young Love is strong,


s: Perhaps you may a-noticed I been soht o' solemn lately,


s: Haven't been a-lookin' quite so pleasant.


s: Mabbe I have been a little bit too proud and stately;


s: Dat's because I'se lonesome jes' at present.


s: I an' him agreed to quit a week or so ago,


s: I'se 'rived to de opinion dat he ain't my style o' beau,


s: So I tole him dat my watch was fas' fo' him.


s: Dimon' ring he give to me, an' said it was a fine stone.


s: Took it roun' to Eisenstein; he said it was a rhinestone,


s: Kind, he said, he didn't give a dam fur.


s: Sealskin sack he give to me it got me in a row.


s: P'liceman called an' asked to see dat sack;


s: Said another lady lost it. Course I don't know how;


s: But I had to go to jail or give it back.


s: We together were cast, I knew not her past;


s: Her limbs were tied in a double bow-knot


s: No curse there sprang to my pallid lips,


s: And there she'd be, in her _robe de nuit_,


s: By a section slight of my garb of night,


s: For the sweet, sweet sake of the Human Snake


s: But she skipped in the end with an old, old friend,


s: But, oh, at night, when my slumber's light,


s: For I miss the sound of those little feet,


s: "The swan," she said, "the lake's clear breast


s: The Awe's fierce stream may backward turn,


s: Still downward foams the Awe's fierce river;


s: O'er the men of Ethiopia she would pour her cornucopia,


s: Send down jelly cake and candies to the Indians of the Andes,


s: And a cargo of plum pudding to the men of Hindoostan;


s: If she had the wings of eagles to their succour she would fly


s: She would fly with speedy succour to the natives of Molucca


s: With whole loads of quail and salmon, and with tons of fricassee


s: And all the Archipelagoes that dot the southern sea;


s: Had enough to sate their hunger, let him look out for himself.


s: To fasten up his galluses when he went out to his work;


s: For a giant was her father and a goddess was her mother,


s: She was Merope or Sterope--the one or else the other;


s: And the man was not the equal, though presentable and rich,


s: Of Merope or Sterope--I don't remember which!


s: She had yielded to a mortal when he came to flirt and flatter.


s: She was Merope or Sterope--the former or the latter;


s: So the planets all ignored her, and the comets wouldn't call


s: On Merope or Sterope--I am not sure at all!


s: So her former indiscretion as a fault was never reckoned,


s: To Merope or Sterope--the first or else the second,


s: And you'll never see so rigidly respectable a dame


s: As Merope or Sterope--I can't recall her name!


s: They've done just as they said they'd do,


s: They're bound the critter shall be seen,


s: I've sung the hymns both slow and quick,


s: But though my voice was good an' strong,


s: He looked his hymn-book through and through,


s: Had two little cottages out on the green,


s: With just room enough for two pig-pens between.


s: The widow was young and the widow was fair,


s: With the brightest of eyes and the brownest of hair,


s: And it frequently chanced, when she came in the morn,


s: With the swill for her pig, Larrie came with the corn,


s: And some of the ears that he tossed from his hand


s: In the pen of the widow were certain to land.


s: It's a waste of good lumber, this runnin' two rigs,


s: Wid a fancy purtition betwane our two pigs!"


s: "Indade, sur, it is!" answered Widow McGee,


s: With the sweetest of smiles upon Larrie O'Dee.


s: "And thin, it looks kind o' hard-hearted and mane,


s: Kapin' two friendly pigs so exsaidenly near


s: That whiniver one grunts the other can hear,


s: And yit kape a cruel purtition betwane."


s: "If ye fale in your heart we are mane to the pigs,


s: Ain't we mane to ourselves to be runnin' two rigs?


s: Och! it made me heart ache when I paped through the cracks


s: Of me shanty, lasht March, at yez shwingin' yer axe;


s: An' a-bobbin' yer head an' a-shtompin' yer fate,


s: Wid yer purty white hands jisht as red as a bate,


s: A-shplittin' yer kindlin'-wood out in the shtorm,


s: When one little shtove it would kape us both warm!"


s: Wid his dilicate tinder allusions to you;


s: So now yez must tell me jisht what I must do:


s: For, if I'm to say yes, shtir the swill wid yer snout;


s: But if I'm to say no, ye must kape yer nose out.


s: Now Larrie, for shame! to be bribin' a pig


s: By a-tossin' a handful of corn in its shwig!"


s: "Me darlint, the piggy says yes," answered he.


s: And that was the courtship of Larrie O'Dee.


s: When Mary Ann Dollinger got the skule daown thar on Injun Bay,


s: I was glad, for I like ter see a gal makin' her honest way.


s: I heerd some talk in the village abaout her flyin' high,


s: Tew high for busy farmer folks with chores ter do ter fly;


s: But I paid no sorter attention ter all the talk ontell


s: An' it tuk me aback to hear her kerrectin' him in his talk.


s: He p'sumed he was behindhand with the doin's at Injun Bay.


s: I remember once he was askin' for some o' my Injun buns,


s: Wal, Mary Ann kep' at him stiddy mornin' an' evenin' long,


s: Tell he dassent open his mouth for fear o' talkin' wrong.


s: One day I was pickin' currants daown by the old quince-tree,


s: Our Jake he put his foot daown in a plum, decided way,


s: "No wimmen-folks is a-goin' ter be rearrangin' me,


s: Hereafter I says 'craps,' 'them is,' 'I calk'late,' an' 'I be.'


s: Ef folks don't like my talk they needn't hark ter what I say:.


s: But I ain't a-goin' to take no sass from folks from Injun Bay.


s: I ask you free an' final, 'Be ye goin' ter marry me?'"


s: An' Mary Ann says, tremblin, yet anxious-like, "I be."


s: In deep bass tones cried, "Who--who--who!"


s: The one is too poor, and one is too tall,


s: And one just an inch too short for them all.


s: "Others pick and choose, and why not we?


s: We can very well wait," said the maids of Lee.


s: And they are all as cross as a gallows-tree,


s: Now, if any one chanced--'tis a chance remote--


s: One single charm in these maids to note,


s: For they all are willing as willing can be.


s: He may take the one, or the two, or the three,


s: And there they are, and there they'll be


s: To the end of the chapter, one, two, three,


s: There, when the sounds of flute and fiddle


s: And when she danced--O Heaven, her dancing!


s: And wonder'd where she'd left her sparrows.


s: Of Southey's prose, or Wordsworth's sonnets;


s: I might have thought they murmur'd Little.


s: Black eyes, fair forehead, clustering locks,


s: Such wealth, such honors, Cupid chooses;


s: She sketch'd; the vale, the wood, the beach,


s: Grew lovelier from her pencil's shading;


s: For hours and hours to blow the bellows.


s: Well fill'd with all an album's glories;


s: And she was flatter'd, worshipp'd, bored;


s: Her steps were watch'd, her dress was noted;


s: Old Nick, who taught the village school,


s: "Less freedom, ma'am!" Jane sighed and said,


s: Gin that's the case, there's time, and place,


s: And when we're ane, baith flesh and bane,


s: One month, three days, and half an hour,


s: The lace, the paint, and warlike things,


s: "Oh, 'tis time I should talk to your mother,


s: "Oh, don't talk to my mother," says Mary,


s: "Then, suppose I should talk to your father,


s: "Oh, don't talk to my father," says Mary,


s: Since my parents are both so conthrairy,


s: Who seemed my own through good and ill--


s: But should she clench her dimpled fists,


s: He tried, then, with his flattering tongue,


s: But she was sharp, though she was young:


s: Our steeds were tired, could hardly stir,


s: The joke which you've been drilling her;


s: One morning when Spring was in her teens--


s: All tinted in delicate pinks and greens--


s: She with her hat tipped down to her nose,


s: And I went to fishing like quaint old Ike,


s: All the noon I lay in the light of her eyes,


s: But the fish were cunning and would not rise,


s: Nay, I cannot come into the garden just now,


s: But I _must_ have the next set of waltzes, I vow,


s: I am sure you'll be heartily pleas'd when you hear


s: As for _me_--I've been looking a monster, my dear.


s: You had better at once hurry home, dear, to bed;


s: You may catch the bronchitis or cold in the head


s: Don't be obstinate, Alfy; come, take my advice--


s: Take a basin of gruel (you'll find it so nice),


s: No, I tell you I can't and I shan't get away,


s: As to _you_--if you like it, of course you can stay,


s: If you feel it a pleasure to talk to the flow'rs


s: When you might have been snoring for two or three hours,


s: Why, it's not the least business of mine.


s: "Are women fair?" Ay, wondrous fair to see, too.


s: "Are women sweet?" Yea, passing sweet they be, too.


s: Most fair and sweet to them that only love them;


s: Chaste and discreet to all save them that prove them.


s: "Are women wise?" Not wise, but they be witty;


s: "Are women witty?" Yea, the more the pity;


s: Though ye be ne'er so wise, they will beguile ye.


s: "Are women fools?" Not fools, but fondlings many;


s: When snow-white swans do turn to colour sable,


s: Then women fond will be both firm and stable.


s: "Are women saints?" No saints, nor yet no devils;


s: "Are women good?" Not good, but needful evils.


s: So Angel-like, that devils I do not doubt them,


s: So needful evils that few can live without them.


s: "Are women proud?" Ay! passing proud, an praise them.


s: "Are women kind?" Ay! wondrous kind, an please them.


s: Or so imperious, no man can endure them,


s: Or so kind-hearted, any may procure them.


s: So, mamma, 'tis in vain to take trouble--


s: And at present he's young enough plenty;


s: Ef they put a golf-lynx on it, thet they'd haf to keep him tied.)


s: Course, she said, 't 'u'd make the parlor lots more roomier, she


s: Bein' overtook in slumber by the "fatal foldin'-bed."


s: "Not ef it wuz set in di'mon's! Nary foldin'-bed fer me!


s: I ain't goin' to start fer glory in a rabbit-trap!" says she.


s: "When the time comes I'll be ready an' a-waitin'; but ez yet,


s: I shan't go to sleep a-thinkin' that I've got the triggers set."


s: Well, sir, shore as yo''re a-livin', after all thet Sary said,


s: 'Fore we started home that evenin' she hed bought a foldin'-bed;


s: An' she's put it in the parlor, where it adds a heap o' style;


s: An' we're sleepin' in the settin'-room at present fer a while.


s: Sary still maintains it's han'some, "an' them city folks'll see


s: That we're posted on the fashions when they visit us," says she;


s: But it plagues her some to tell her, ef it ain't no other use,


s: We can set it fer the golf-lynx ef he ever sh'u'd get loose.


s: Palms a-slant and the hills a-smile, and


s: A black-eyed Turk and a blue-eyed Danish,


s: For the Puritan Prue she sets in the offing,


s: And the Spanish minx is the wust at scoffing


s: But the cannibal maid is a simple creetur,


s: A-hopin' in vain for the day I'll meet 'er,


s: And constant and faithful a-yearnin' for me.


s: Me Turkish sweetheart she played me double--


s: And the Danish damsel she made me trouble


s: When she ups and married an oblong Swede.


s: But there's truth in the heart of the maid o' Mango,


s: Though her cheeks is black like the kiln-baked cork,


s: As she sets in the shade o' the whingo-whango,


s: A-waitin' for me--with a knife and fork.


s: By your faithful and affectionate friend,


s: "My loved one!" sobbed she, "if you--cared


s: You surely would have--would have--dared."


s: It was a Moorish maiden was sitting by a well,


s: And what the maiden thought of I cannot, cannot tell.


s: When by there rode a valiant knight from the town of Oviedo--


s: Alphonso Guzman was he hight, the Count of Desparedo.


s: "Oh, maiden, Moorish maiden! why sitt'st thou by the spring?


s: Say, dost thou seek a lover, or any other thing?


s: Why gazest thou upon me, with eyes so large and wide,


s: And wherefore doth the pitcher lie broken by thy side?"


s: "I do not seek a lover, thou Christian knight so gay,


s: Because an article like that hath never come my way;


s: And why I gaze upon you, I cannot, cannot tell,


s: Except that in your iron hose you look uncommon swell.


s: "My pitcher it is broken, and this the reason is,--


s: A shepherd came behind me, and tried to snatch a kiss;


s: I would not stand his nonsense, so ne'er a word I spoke,


s: "My uncle, the Alcaydè, he waits for me at home,


s: And will not take his tumbler until Zorayda come.


s: I cannot bring him water--the pitcher is in pieces--


s: And so I'm sure to catch it, 'cos he wallops all his nieces."


s: "Oh, maiden, Moorish maiden! wilt thou be ruled by me!


s: So wipe thine eyes and rosy lips, and give me kisses three;


s: And I'll give thee my helmet, thou kind and courteous lady,


s: To carry home the water to thy uncle, the Alcaydè."


s: He lighted down from off his steed--he tied him to a tree--


s: He bowed him to the maiden, and took his kisses three:


s: "To wrong thee, sweet Zorayda, I swear would be a sin!"


s: He knelt him at the fountain, and he dipped his helmet in.


s: Up rose the Moorish maiden--behind the knight she steals,


s: And caught Alphonso Guzman up tightly by the heels;


s: A Christian maid is weeping in the town of Oviedo;


s: She waits the coming of her love, the Count of Desparedo.


s: I pray you all in charity, that you will never tell,


s: How he met the Moorish maiden beside the lonely well.


s: _Mother_. Are you quite certain? Come, recount


s: _Girl_. Of the kid gloves I found but one.


s: _Mother_. Never mind that. What else? Proceed.


s: _Mother_. And was there nothing you would save?


s: And scorned the mosque and the daily prayers;


s: When his sire frowned fierce, then he cried, "Ha, ha!"


s: But worst of all of the pranks he played


s: Was to fall in love with a Christian maid,--


s: Nor behind a lattice grew thin and pale;


s: At his sire's dark threats laughed the youth, "Ha, ha!"


s: "I will shut him close in an iron cage,"


s: But the prince slipped out by a postern door,


s: And away to the mountains his loved one bore;


s: Loud his glee rang back on the winds, "Ha, ha!"


s: When a youth and a maid adopt this plan,--


s: All frowns and threats with a laugh defy,


s: And away from the mosques to the mountains fly,--


s: Folk meet and greet with a gay "_Ha, ha!"


s: There was once a little man, and his rod and line he took,


s: For he said, "I'll go a-fishing in the neighboring brook."


s: And it chanced a little maiden was walking out that day,


s: Then he sat him down beside her, and an hour or two went by,


s: But still upon the grassy brink his rod and line did lie;


s: "I thought," she shyly whispered, "you'd be fishing all the day!"


s: So he gravely took his rod in hand, and threw the line about,


s: But the fish perceived distinctly that he was not looking out;


s: Then the stars came out above them, and she gave a little sigh,


s: As they watched the silver ripples, like the moments, running by;


s: And day by day beside the stream they wandered to and fro,


s: And day by day the fishes swam securely down below;


s: Till this little story ended, as such little stories may,


s: And now that they are married, do they always bill and coo?


s: Do they never fret and quarrel as other couples do?


s: Does he cherish her and love her? Does she honor and obey?


s: _Across the frost, across the flowers_--


s: _Through summer seconds and winter hours_


s: _'Tis strange you cannot sing_ (quoth he),


s: _What, know you not, old man_ (quoth he)--


s: _Your hair is white, your face is wise_--


s: _That Love must kiss that Mortal's eyes_


s: And fame and name, and great men's praise;


s: My song goes straight to one who stands--


s: And while they stood, with cheeks aflame,


s: That doth exist between two simple bodies:


s: Oh, would that I, my Mary, were an acid,


s: Endow'd with human sense, that, brought together,


s: Or common coal, or naphtha--would to heaven


s: That I were Phosphorus, and thou wert Lime!


s: So that thou might be Soda. In that case


s: We should be Glauber's Salt. Wert thou Magnesia


s: Instead we'd form the salt that's named from Epsom.


s: Our happy union should that compound form,


s: And thus our several natures sweetly blent,


s: We'd live and love together, until death


s: Should decompose the fleshly _tertium quid_,


s: And mine is Johnson. Wherefore should not we


s: I sat one night beside a blue-eyed girl--


s: The fire was out, and so, too, was her mother;


s: A feeble flame around the lamp did curl,


s: Making faint shadows, blending in each other:


s: 'Twas nearly twelve o'clock, too, in November;


s: For thirteen days, and had a sneaking notion


s: To pop the question, thinking all was right,


s: And once or twice had make an awkward motion


s: To take her hand, and stammer'd, cough'd, and stutter'd,


s: But, somehow, nothing to the point had utter'd.


s: I thought this chance too good now to be lost;


s: I hitched my chair up pretty close beside her,


s: Drew a long breath, and then my legs I cross'd,


s: Bent over, sighed, and for five minutes eyed her:


s: She looked as if she knew what next was coming,


s: And with her feet upon the floor was drumming.


s: I couldn't speak--the words were always choking;


s: I scarce could move--I seem'd tied to the chair--


s: I hardly breathed--'twas awfully provoking!


s: The perspiration from each pore came oozing,


s: My heart, and brain, and limbs their power seem'd losing.


s: Walk purring up, inviting me to pat her;


s: My doubts, like summer clouds, began to scatter,


s: I seized on tabby, though a scratch she gave me,


s: And said, "Come, Puss, ask Mary if she'll have me."


s: 'Twas done at once--the murder now was out;


s: The thing was all explain'd in half a minute.


s: Won't you follow me? Won't you follow me?"


s: He left, by will, to Rose, his daughter;


s: "Won't you follow me? Won't you follow me?"


s: Her heart she locked fast in her breast,


s: First, then, we turned the knob to "Sighs,"


s: We climbed to the top of Goat Point hill,


s: And watched the moon make stars on the waves,


s: While a throne we made on a rough stone wall,


s: And Kitty's dear eyes twinkled brightly,


s: The throne on the wall was still standing,


s: And, with much twitter and much chatter,


s: Till yonder heaven and earth shall mingle,


s: Turned short 'round, strutting, and sidling,


s: But, though the birds were thus in haste,


s: The wind, of late breathed gently forth,


s: Bare trees and shrubs but ill, you know,


s: Stepping into their nests, they paddled,


s: Themselves were chill'd, their eggs were addled.


s: Grew quarrelsome, and peck'd each other,


s: Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare


s: Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair?


s: Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry


s: Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie?


s: Do you know? Well, I'll tell you--it's Love.


s: I hae a stook, and I'll soon hae a mowe,


s: Three sparrows may dance upon the floor,


s: I prithee now, wilt? and I'll marry thee,


s: I've three good marks that lie in a rag,


s: In a nook of the chimney, instead of a bag.


s: Words that belong to the cart and the plough.


s: Has pierced me through an' through the heart,


s: Knitting is the maid o' the kitchen, Milly,


s: Doing nothing sits the chore boy, Billy:


s: Something's happened, very red is Milly,


s: Weeks gone, still they're sitting, Milly, Billy;


s: O, the winter winds are wondrous chilly!


s: Winters two have gone, and where is Milly?


s: Spring has come again, and where is Billy?


s: As one that knots his necktie for a ball;


s: But just as all the neighbours--on the wall--


s: Are drawing a long breath to shout "Hurray!"


s: The strangest whim has seized me.... After all


s: My uncle's sword is hanging in the hall--


s: I see a little cloud all pink and grey--


s: Perhaps the rector's mother will _not_ call--


s: That mushrooms could be cooked another way--


s: The world will have another washing day;


s: And H. G. Wells has found that children play,


s: And Bernard Shaw discovered that they squall;


s: And through thick woods one finds a stream astray,


s: So secret that the very sky seems small--


s: Prince, I can hear the trump of Germinal,


s: The tumbrils toiling up the terrible way;


s: Whiniver the kyars got offen the thrack,


s: An' muddled up things t' th' divil an' back,


s: An' he tould jist how the smash occurred;


s: Now Flannigan knowed more than Finnigin--


s: An' he said: "I'll gamble a whole month's pa-ay


s: Gits a whack at this very same sin ag'in.


s: An' some kyars went off as they made the swerve.


s: "But repoorts must be made to Flannigan."


s: An' the shmoky ol' lamp wuz burnin' bright


s: An' he writed this here: "Muster Flannigan:


s: And I muse in my bed on the reasons that led


s: Each bridge that he makes either buckles or breaks,


s: And I can't understand why you gave him your hand,


s: For they bow and They smile in an affable style


s: Of a highly paid post which is claimed by a host


s: What is the spell that you manage so well,


s: From the madding crowd they stand apart,


s: The Western one from the nameless place,


s: Who blushing said, "What a lovely vace!"


s: To crush the stranger with one small word.


s: She cries, "'Tis, indeed, a lovely vaze!"


s: With the consciousness of two grandpapas,


s: And glances round with an anxious thrill,


s: But the Boston maid smiles courteouslee,


s: I was so entranced with that lovely vaws!"


s: Grew lean while he assailed the seasons;


s: When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;


s: Scratched his head and kept on thinking;


s: Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:


s: Ye monkey-faced divil, I'll jolly ye through!


s: Ye march like the aigle in Cintheral Parrk!"


s: Ye whiskered orang-outang, I'll fix you!


s: Ye've eyes like a bat!--can ye see in the dark?"


s: I'm dhry as a dog--I can't shpake but I bark!"


s: What's wur-ruk for chickens is sport for the lark!"


s: And ye'll pay the potheen? Ye're a daisy! Whurroo!


s: The Rigiment's flattered to own ye, me spark!"


s: F'r he's pulled the dive that kapes me alive,


s: 'What's this,' sez he, 'I hear?' sez he--


s: He's pulled a fri'nd av a fri'nd av me fri'nd,


s: ''Tis a shame,' sez he, 'f'r to blame,' sez he,


s: An' ye've cooked yer goose, an' now ye're loose


s: 'He's pinched,' sez he, 'an' cinched,' sez he,


s: F'r the town is too warrm f'r this gendarme,


s: An' tether 'im out on the Bloomin'dale route


s: Instead, he paints the _creak_ and _strain_,


s: With "programme" things you cannot hear.


s: She wept,--and breathed a trembling prayer


s: If all the trees in all the woods were men,


s: And each and every blade of grass a pen;


s: Turned to a sheet of foolscap; every sea


s: Were changed to ink, and all earth's living tribes


s: Had nothing else to do but act as scribes,


s: And for ten thousand ages, day and night,


s: The human race should write, and write, and write,


s: Till all the pens and paper were used up,


s: Still would the scribblers clustered round its brink


s: Call for more pens, more paper, and more ink.


s: Some good bank-stock, some note of hand,


s: Busts, cameos, gems--such things as these,


s: _Two_ Meerschaums, I would fain possess.


s: Wealth's wasteful tricks I will not learn,


s: And the Fund for Sending Browning's Poems


s: Their hostess said, when first they met:


s: I've smoothed all boulders from our path,


s: My views and creeds, and make them yours.


s: Strikes snags in love's meandering stream,


s: Love's bright day follows hatred's night;


s: Wisely a woman prefers to a lover a man who neglects her.


s: This one may love her some day; some day the lover will not.


s: When they seem going they come: Diplomats, women, and crabs.


s: What is a first love worth except to prepare for a second?


s: What does the second love bring? Only regret for the first.


s: De Hen-roost Man he'll preach about Paul,


s: He's afeard he'll hear dat rooster crow.


s: An' he ain't by 'isself in dat, in dat--


s: Were put in a bundle and rolled into one,


s: It could not be lighted nor warmed by the sun;


s: And keep him in fuel while Time's wheels run.


s: But if all the harm that's been done by men


s: Were doubled, and doubled, and doubled again,


s: And melted and fused into vapour, and then


s: Were squared and raised to the power of ten,


s: There wouldn't be nearly enough, not near,


s: To keep a small girl for the tenth of a year.


s: "Needy Knife-grinder! whither are you going?


s: Rough is the road--your wheel is out of order--


s: Bleak blows the blast; your hat has got a hole in't,


s: "Weary Knife-grinder! little think the proud ones,


s: Who in their coaches roll along the turnpike-


s: Road, what hard work 'tis crying all day' Knives and


s: "Tell me, Knife-grinder, how you came to grind knives?


s: Was it the squire? or parson of the parish?


s: "Was it the squire, for killing of his game? or


s: Covetous parson, for his tithes distraining?


s: Or roguish lawyer, made you lose your little


s: "(Have you not read the Rights of Man, by Tom Paine?)


s: Drops of compassion tremble on my eyelids,


s: Ready to fall, as soon as you have told your


s: "Story! God bless you! I have none to tell, sir,


s: Only last night, a-drinking at the Chequers,


s: This poor old hat and breeches, as you see, were


s: Custody; they took me before the justice;


s: "I should be glad to drink your Honour's health in


s: A pot of beer, if you will give me sixpence;


s: "_I_ give thee sixpence! I will see thee damn'd first--


s: Wretch! whom no sense of wrongs can rouse to vengeance--


s: That was so large, and smooth, and round.


s: "'Tis some poor fellow's skull," said he,


s: Two honest tradesmen meeting in the Strand,


s: "Hark-ye," said he, "'tis an odd story, this,


s: About the crows!" "I don't know what it is,"


s: Replied his friend. "No! I'm surprised at that;


s: Where I came from it is the common chat;


s: But you shall hear--an odd affair indeed!


s: And that it happened, they are all agreed.


s: Not to detain you from a thing so strange,


s: A gentleman, that lives not far from 'Change,


s: This week, in short, as all the alley knows,


s: Taking a puke, has thrown up three black crows."


s: "Impossible!" "Nay, but it's really true;


s: I have it from good hands, and so may you."


s: "From whose, I pray?" So, having named the man,


s: Straight to inquire his curious comrade ran.


s: "Sir, did you tell"--relating the affair.


s: "Yes, sir, I did; and, if it's worth your care,


s: But, by the bye, 'twas two black crows--not three."


s: "Sir"--and so forth. "Why, yes; the thing is fact,


s: It was not two black crows--'twas only one;


s: The gentleman himself told me the case."


s: "Where may I find him?" "Why, in such a place."


s: Away goes he, and, having found him out,


s: "Sir, be so good as to resolve a doubt."


s: And begged to know if true what he had heard.


s: "Did you, sir, throw up a black crow?" "Not I."


s: Black crows have been thrown up, three, two, and one;


s: And here, I find, all comes, at last, to none.


s: "Crow--crow--perhaps I might, now I recall


s: The matter over." "And pray, sir, what was't?"


s: "Why, I was horrid sick, and, at the last,


s: I did throw up, and told my neighbor so,


s: Something that was--as black, sir, as a crow."


s: The _Ballyshannon_ foundered off the coast of Cariboo,


s: And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew;


s: Down went the owners--greedy men whom hope of gain allured:


s: Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.


s: Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew,


s: The passengers were also drowned excepting only two:


s: Young Peter Gray, who tasted teas for Baker, Croop, and Co.,


s: And Somers, who from Eastern shores imported indigo.


s: These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast,


s: Upon a desert island were eventually cast.


s: They hunted for their meals, as Alexander Selkirk used,


s: But they couldn't chat together--they had not been introduced.


s: For Peter Gray, and Somers, too, though certainly in trade,


s: Were properly particular about the friends they made;


s: And somehow thus they settled it, without a word of mouth,


s: On Peter's portion oysters grew--a delicacy rare,


s: But oysters were a delicacy Peter couldn't bear.


s: On Somer's side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick,


s: Which Somers couldn't eat, because it always made him sick.


s: Gray gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store


s: Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature's shore.


s: The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved,


s: For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved.


s: And Somers sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south,


s: He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough.


s: How they wished an introduction to each other they had had


s: When on board the _Ballyshannon_! And it drove them nearly mad


s: To think how very friendly with each other they might get,


s: If it wasn't for the arbitrary rule of etiquette!


s: One day, when out a-hunting for the _mus ridiculus_,


s: Gray overheard his fellow-man soliloquising thus:


s: "I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on,


s: These simple words made Peter as delighted as could be;


s: Old chummies at the Charterhouse were Robinson and he.


s: He walked straight up to Somers, then he turned extremely red,


s: "I beg your pardon--pray forgive me if I seem too bold,


s: But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old.


s: You spoke aloud of Robinson--I happened to be by.


s: You know him?" "Yes, extremely well." "Allow me, so do I."


s: It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on,


s: For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew Robinson!


s: And Mr. Somers' turtle was at Peter's service quite,


s: And Mr. Somers punished Peter's oyster-beds all night.


s: They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs;


s: They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs;


s: They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives;


s: On several occasions, too, they saved each other's lives.


s: They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night,


s: And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light;


s: Each other's pleasant company they reckoned so upon,


s: And all because it happened that they both knew Robinson!


s: They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore,


s: And day by day they learned to love each other more and more.


s: At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day,


s: They saw a frigate anchored in the offing of the bay.


s: To Peter an idea occurred. "Suppose we cross the main?


s: So good an opportunity may not be found again."


s: And Somers thought a minute, then ejaculated, "Done!


s: I wonder how my business in the City's getting on?"


s: "But stay," said Mr. Peter; "when in England, as you know,


s: I earned a living tasting teas for Baker, Croop, and Co.,


s: I may be superseded--my employers think me dead!"


s: "Then come with me," said Somers, "and taste indigo instead."


s: But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found


s: The vessel was a convict ship from Portland outward bound;


s: As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke,


s: They recognized a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke:


s: 'Twas Robinson--a convict, in an unbecoming frock!


s: Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!!


s: They laughed no more, for Somers thought he had been rather rash


s: In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash;


s: And Peter thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon


s: In making the acquaintance of a friend of Robinson.


s: At first they didn't quarrel very openly, I've heard;


s: They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word:


s: The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head.


s: And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.


s: To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth,


s: And Peter takes the north again, and Somers takes the south;


s: And Peter has the oysters, which he hates, in layers thick,


s: And Somers has the turtle--turtle always makes him sick.


s: Haughty, being great--purse-proud, being rich--


s: Who went from England in his patron's suite,


s: One day, at table, flushed with pride and wine,


s: His honor, proudly free, severely merry,


s: "Young man," he said, "by what art, craft, or trade


s: Did your good father gain a livelihood?"


s: The joke applauded, and the laugh went round.


s: Said (craving pardon, if too free he made),


s: "My father's trade! by Heaven, that's too bad!


s: My father's trade? Why, blockhead, are you mad?


s: My father, sir, did never stoop so low--


s: Modestus said, with archness on his brow,


s: Will serve to keep the world thy friend:


s: Thou shalt not kill; but need'st not strive


s: Mov'd in the orb, pleas'd with the chimes,


s: They tread on stars, and talk with gods;


s: Still pleas'd with their own verses' sound;


s: A friend of mine was married to a scold,


s: To me he came, and all his troubles told.


s: Said he, "She's like a woman raving mad."


s: "Alas! my friend," said I, "that's very bad!"


s: "No, not so bad," said he; "for, with her, true


s: I had both house and land, and money too."


s: And every penny went to pay the cost."--


s: "For we agreed that he the house should keep,


s: And give to me four score of Yorkshire sheep


s: All fat, and fair, and fine, they were to be."


s: "Well, then," said I, "sure that was well for thee?"


s: Then into tallow melt for winter store."


s: "Well, then," said I, "that's better than before?"


s: "No! not so bad," said he; "for, what is best,


s: My scolding wife has gone among the rest."


s: Enraptured with this, and enchanted with that;


s: I'm wild with the sweets of variety's plan,


s: And life seems a blessing too happy for man.


s: But the country, Lord help me! sets all matters right,


s: So calm and composing from morning to night;


s: Oh, it settles the spirits when nothing is seen


s: But an ass on a common, a goose on a green!


s: In town, if it rain, why it damps not our hope,


s: The eye has her choice, and the fancy her scope;


s: What harm though it pour whole nights or whole days?


s: It spoils not our prospects, or stops not our ways.


s: In the country, what bliss, when it rains in the fields,


s: To live on the transports that shuttlecock yields;


s: Or go crawling from window to window, to see


s: In town, we've no use for the skies overhead,


s: For when the sun rises then we go to bed;


s: And as to that old-fashioned virgin the moon,


s: She shines out of season, like satin in June.


s: In the country, these planets delightfully glare,


s: Just to show us the object we want isn't there;


s: Oh, how cheering and gay, when their beauties arise,


s: To sit and gaze round with the tears in one's eyes!


s: But 'tis in the country alone we can find


s: That happy resource, the relief of the mind,


s: When, drove to despair, our last efforts we make,


s: And drag the old fish-pond, for novelty's sake:


s: Indeed I must own, 'tis a pleasure complete


s: To see ladies well-draggled and wet in their feet;


s: But what is all that to the transport we feel


s: When we capture, in triumph, two toads and an eel?


s: I have heard though, that love in a cottage is sweet,


s: When two hearts in one link of soft sympathy meet;


s: That's to come--for as yet I, alas! am a swain,


s: Who require, I own it, more links to my chain.


s: In the country, if Cupid should find a man out,


s: The poor tortured victim mopes hopeless about;


s: But in London, thank Heaven! our peace is secure,


s: Where for one eye to kill, there's a thousand to cure.


s: In town let me live then, in town let me die,


s: For in truth I can't relish the country, not I.


s: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell,


s: Oh, give me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall!


s: T'other day, much in want of a subject for song;


s: Thinks I to myself, I have hit on a strain--


s: Sure marriage is much like a Devonshire lane.


s: In the first place, 'tis long, and when once you are in it,


s: It holds you as fast as the cage holds a linnet;


s: For howe'er rough and dirty the road may be found,


s: Drive forward you must, since there's no turning round.


s: But though 'tis so long, it is not very wide,


s: For two are the most that together can ride;


s: And e'en there 'tis a chance but they get in a pother,


s: And jostle and cross, and run foul of each other.


s: Old Poverty greets them with mendicant looks,


s: And Care pushes by them o'erladen with crooks,


s: And Strife's grating wheels try between them to pass,


s: Or Stubbornness blocks up the way on her ass.


s: Then the banks are so high, both to left hand and right,


s: That they shut up the beauties around from the sight;


s: And hence, you'll allow, 'tis an inference plain


s: That marriage is just like a Devonshire lane.


s: But, thinks I, too, these banks within which we are pent,


s: With bud, blossom, and berry are richly besprent;


s: And the conjugal fence which forbids us to roam


s: Looks lovely when deck'd with the comforts of home.


s: In the rock's gloomy crevice the bright holly grows,


s: The ivy waves fresh o'er the withering rose;


s: And the evergreen love of a virtuous wife


s: Smooths the roughness of care--cheers the winter of life.


s: Then long be the journey and narrow the way;


s: I'll rejoice that I've seldom a turnpike to pay;


s: And, whate'er others think, be the last to complain,


s: Though marriage is just like a Devonshire lane.


s: On quail on toast, washed down with wines;


s: O'er the lack of true religion, and the dearth of common sense,


s: Side of thirty, entered proudly, and to crush me did commence:


s: I've discovered of that poem not a solitary thing."


s: And I knew to pacify her I would have to--fib like fun.


s: Which were great, had come to--bless us,


s: Among the years that follow--one to each succeeding Spring.


s: In the year of nineteen-forty, when the birds begin to sing."


s: Dear mother, dear mother, the Church is cold;


s: But the Alehouse is healthy, and pleasant, and warm.


s: Besides, I can tell where I am used well;


s: The poor parsons with wind like a blown bladder swell.


s: But, if at the Church they would give us some ale,


s: And a pleasant fire our souls to regale,


s: We'd sing and we'd pray all the livelong day,


s: Nor ever once wish from the Church to stray.


s: Then the Parson might preach, and drink, and sing,


s: And we'd be as happy as birds in the spring;


s: And modest Dame Lurch, who is always at Church,


s: Would not have bandy children, nor fasting, nor birch.


s: And God, like a father, rejoicing to see


s: His children as pleasant and happy as He,


s: Would have no more quarrel with the Devil or the barrel,


s: But kiss him, and give him both drink and apparel.


s: While each was in quest of a fugitive love;


s: And they wept in its waters for sympathy.


s: "Oh, never was knight such a sorrow that bore!"


s: "Oh, never was maid so deserted before!"


s: "From life and its woes let us instantly fly,


s: They searched for an eddy that suited the deed,


s: But here was a bramble and there was a weed;


s: "How tiresome it is!" said the fair, with a sigh;


s: So they sat down to rest them in company.


s: They gazed at each other, the maid and the knight;


s: How fair was her form, and how goodly his height!


s: "One mournful embrace," sobbed the youth, "ere we die!"


s: "Oh, had I but loved such an angel as you!"


s: "Oh, had but my swain been a quarter as true!"


s: "To miss such perfection how blinded was I!"


s: At length spoke the lass, 'twixt a smile and a tear,


s: Their best and dearest friend, plum porridge,


s: He drinks, an' swears, an' plays at cartes,


s: Frae God's ain priest the people's hearts


s: Thy strong right hand, Lord, mak it bare


s: O Lord, my God! that glib-tongu'd Aiken,


s: To think how we stood sweatin', shakin',


s: In Southern parts before rebellion stirred,


s: Who did not spend his strength in empty sound;


s: His was a mind deep-reaching and profound.


s: Others might beat the air, and make a noise,


s: And help to amuse the silly girls and boys;


s: But as for him, he was a man of thought,


s: He could not read or write, but he was wise,


s: And knew right smart how to extemporize.


s: One Sunday morn, when hymns and prayers were said,


s: The preacher rose and rubbing up his head,


s: "Bredren and sisterin, and companions dear,


s: Our preachment for to-day, as you shall hear,


s: On which God fashioned Adam, de fust man.


s: He shape him all out right, den by and by,


s: "Stop," said a voice; and straightway there arose


s: "Tell me," said he, "before you farder go,


s: One little thing which I should like to know.


s: How came dat fence so nice and handy dar?"


s: Like one who in the mud is tightly stuck,


s: Or one nonplussed, astonished, thunderstruck,


s: The preacher looked severely on the pews,


s: And rubbed his hair to know what words to use:


s: "Bredren," said he, "dis word I hab to say;


s: De preacher can't be bothered in dis way;


s: For, if he is, it's jest as like as not,


s: 'Twas a wreck. Willi_am_, on shore he swam,


s: When a noble savage lady, of a color rather shady,


s: Away a twelvemonth sped, and a happy life he led


s: His paint was red and yellar, and he used a big umbrella,


s: He'd corals and knives, and twenty-six wives,


s: When these things following be done to our intent,


s: When nettles in winter bring forth roses red,


s: And all manner of thorn trees bear figs naturally,


s: When box bear paper in every land and town,


s: And thistles bear berries in every place,


s: And pikes have naturally feathers in their crown,


s: When whitings do walk forests to chase harts,


s: And herrings their horns in forests boldly blow,


s: And gurnards shoot rooks out of a crossbow,


s: And goslings hunt the wolf to overthrow,


s: And sprats bear spears in armès of defence,


s: When swine be cunning in all points of music,


s: And cats do heal men by practising of physic,


s: And buzzards to scripture give any credence,


s: And merchants buy with horn, instead of groats and pence,


s: And pyes be made poets for their eloquence,


s: When sparrows build churches on a height,


s: And curlews carry timber houses to dight,


s: And fomalls bear butter to market to sell,


s: And woodcocks bear woodknives cranes to kill,


s: And greenfinches to goslings do obedience,


s: When crows take salmon in woods and parks,


s: And camels in the air take swallows and larks,


s: And mice move mountains by wagging of their tails,


s: And shipmen take a ride instead of sails,


s: And when wives to their husbands do no offence,


s: When antelopes surmount eagles in flight,


s: And swans be swifter than hawks of the tower,


s: And wrens set gos-hawks by force and might,


s: And muskets make verjuice of crabbes sour,


s: And ships sail on dry land, silt give flower,


s: And apes in Westminster give judgment and sentence,


s: What motley cares Corilla's mind perplex,


s: Whom maids and metaphors conspire to vex!


s: At once invoking, though for different views,


s: Her gods, her cook, her milliner and muse.


s: Round her strewed room a frippery chaos lies,


s: Bills, books, caps, couplets, combs, a varied mass,


s: Oppress the toilet and obscure the glass;


s: There new-born plays foretaste the town's applause,


s: There dormant patterns pine for future gauze.


s: A scene she now projects, and now a dish;


s: Here Act the First, and here, Remove with Fish.


s: Now, while this eye in a fine frenzy rolls,


s: Black pins and daggers in one leaf she sticks,


s: And tears, and threads, and bowls, and thimbles mix.


s: In a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable,


s: With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin,


s: The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable,


s: But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades,


s: Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints,


s: He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies,


s: "Oh, where is All-Sinners', if this is All-Saints'?"


s: A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,


s: Adopt all these, as time and place will bear;


s: Then rest assur'd that those of little sense


s: Will deem you sure a man of consequence.


s: "Scorn not the sonnet," though its strength be sapped,


s: Nor say malignant its inventor blundered;


s: The corpse that here in fourteen lines is wrapped


s: Had otherwise been covered with a hundred.


s: Released, he hopefully for entrance cries


s: "Hast been through Purgatory?" Brahma said.


s: "I have been married," and he hung his head.


s: "Come in, come in, and welcome, too, my son!


s: In bliss extreme he entered heaven's door,


s: And knew the peace he ne'er had known before.


s: He scarce had entered in the Garden fair,


s: The self-same question Brahma asked again:


s: "Hast been through Purgatory?" "No; what then?"


s: "Thou canst not enter!" did the god reply.


s: "He that went in was no more there than I."


s: "Yes, that is true, but he has married been,


s: And so on earth has suffered for all sin."


s: "Married? 'Tis well; for I've been married twice!"


s: "Begone! We'll have no fools in Paradise!"


s: Who leads a good life is sure to live well.


s: And the vesper's bell is my bowl, ding-dong.


s: There was (not certain when) a certain preacher


s: That never learned, and yet became a teacher,


s: He seemed the same with study great to scan,


s: In English thus, _There was a certain man_.


s: "But now," quoth he, "good people, note you this,


s: He said there was: he doth not say there is;


s: For in these days of ours it is most plain


s: Of promise, oath, word, deed, no man's certain;


s: That surely once a certain man there was;


s: But yet, I think, in all your Bible no man


s: Can find this text, _There was a certain woman_."


s: She cleaned the keys of the harpsichord,


s: She cleaned the hilt of the family sword,


s: She cleaned my lady, she cleaned my lord,


s: Knights with daggers and stomachered dames--


s: She cleaned the works of the eight-day clock,


s: She cleaned the spring of a secret lock,


s: She cleaned the mirror, she cleaned the cupboard,


s: She cleaned the Dutch tiles in the place,


s: She cleaned some very old-fashioned lace;


s: She cleaned the tent-stitch and the sampler,


s: She cleaned the tapestry, which was ampler;


s: And the Shunammite woman with the boy in a fit.


s: You saw the reapers, _not_ in the distance.


s: And Elisha, coming to the child's assistance,


s: With the house on the wall that was built for the prophet,


s: The chair, the bed and the bolster of it.


s: The eyebrows all had a twirl reflective,


s: There was plenty of color but no perspective.


s: With a curious lamp, that hangs in the hall;


s: She cleaned the drops of the chandeliers,


s: I should say a thousand years old would do.


s: She cleaned the china, she cleaned the delf,


s: She cleaned the baby, she cleaned herself!


s: So I've made up my mind to be there to see


s: There's a beautiful place in the walnut tree;


s: She brings out her broom at six o'clock.


s: The frugal crone, whom praying priests attend,


s: Still tries to save the hallowed taper's end,


s: Collects her breath, as ebbing life retires,


s: For one puff more, and in that puff expires.


s: "Odious! in woollen! 'twould a saint provoke,"


s: Were the last words that poor Narcissa spoke;


s: "No, let a charming chintz and Brussels lace


s: Wrap my cold limbs, and shade my lifeless face:


s: One would not, sure, be frightful when one's dead,--


s: And--Betty--give this cheek a little red."


s: The courtier smooth, who forty years had shined


s: Just brought out this, when scarce his tongue could stir,


s: "If--where I'm going--I could serve you, sir?"


s: And sighed) "my lands and tenements to Ned."


s: Your money, sir? "My money, sir! What, all?


s: Why--if I must" (then wept)--"I give it Paul."


s: The manor, sir? "The manor, hold!" he cried,


s: "Not that,--I cannot part with that,"--and died.


s: What, he on whom our voices unanimously ran,


s: Made Pope at our last Conclave? Full low his life began:


s: His father earned the daily bread as just a fisherman.


s: So much the more his boy minds book, gives proof of mother-wit,


s: Becomes first Deacon, and then Priest, then Bishop: see him sit


s: No less than Cardinal ere long, while no one cries "Unfit!"


s: But some one smirks, some other smiles, jogs elbow and nods head;


s: Not he, of humble holy heart! "Unworthy me!" he sighs:


s: "From fisher's drudge to Church's prince--it is indeed a rise:


s: So, here's my way to keep the fact forever in my eyes!"


s: And straightway in his palace-hall, where commonly is set


s: Some coat-of-arms, some portraiture ancestral, lo, we met


s: His mean estate's reminder in his fisher-father's net!


s: Which step conciliates all and some, stops cavil in a trice:


s: "The humble holy heart that holds of new-born pride no spice!


s: So Pope he was: and when we flocked--its sacred slipper on--


s: To kiss his foot, we lifted eyes, alack, the thing was gone--


s: That guarantee of lowlihead,--eclipsed that star which shone!


s: Each eyed his fellow, one and all kept silence. I cried "Pish!


s: I'll make me spokesman for the rest, express the common wish.


s: Why, Father, is the net removed?" "Son, it hath caught the fish."


s: Garrick, of whom our nation justly brags;


s: The fellow hugged him with a kind embrace;--


s: "Good sir, I do not recollect your face,"


s: Quoth Garrick. "No?" replied the man of rags;


s: "The boards of Drury you and I have trod


s: "When?" with an oath, cried Garrick, "for, by G--d,


s: "Lord!" quoth the fellow, "think not that I mock--


s: When you played Hamlet, sir, I played the cock!"


s: "Good morrow, dame, I mean not any libel,


s: But in your dwelling have you got a Bible?"


s: "A Bible, sir?" exclaimed she in a rage,


s: "D'ye think I've turned a Pagan in my age?


s: Here, Judith, and run upstairs, my dear,


s: 'Tis in the drawer, be quick and bring it here."


s: The girl return'd with Bible in a minute,


s: Not dreaming for a moment what was in it;


s: Down fell her spectacles upon the floor.


s: But quick exclaim'd, "Dear sir, I'm glad you're come.


s: 'Tis six years since these glasses first were lost,


s: And I have miss'd 'em to my poor eyes' cost!"


s: Then as the glasses to her nose she raised,


s: She closed the Bible--saying, "God be praised!"


s: Three-fourths of man's whole time he keeps


s: Yea, all things change--the heart, the head,


s: The plain for steers; raised it and sighed.


s: "For twenty years (forgive these tears)--


s: He pulled his beard, then dropped in place


s: A broad right hand, all scarred and tan,


s: And the former called the latter "Little Prig";


s: Talents differ; all is well and wisely put;


s: Mine soldiers sing, "Der Wacht am Rhine,"


s: Dere's France, she swaggers all aroundt;


s: Dere's grandma dinks she's nicht small beer,


s: She dinks, good frau, fine ships she's got


s: Ach! We could knock them! Pouf! Like dot,


s: He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks;


s: He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can,


s: We can't never choose him, o' course--that's flat:


s: Guess we shall hev to come round (don't you?),


s: An' go in for thunder an' guns, an' all that;


s: He's been on all sides that give places or pelf;


s: But consistency still was a part of his plan--


s: He's been true to' _one_ party, and that is himself;


s: He don't vally principle mor'n an old cud;


s: What did God make us raytional creeturs fer,


s: But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood?


s: We're gettin' on nicely up here to our village,


s: With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't;


s: We o' thought Christ went against war and pillage,


s: An' that eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint;


s: Sez this kind o' thing's an exploded idee.


s: The side of our country must ollers be took,


s: An' President Pulk, you know, _he_ is our country;


s: An' the angel that writes all our sins in a book,


s: Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_;


s: Sez this is his view o' the thing to a T.


s: Parson Wilbur he calls all these arguments lies;


s: Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_;


s: An' that all this big talk of our destinies


s: Is half on it ignorance, an' t'other half rum;


s: Sez it ain't no such thing; an', of course, so must we.


s: Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heered in his life


s: Thet the Apostles rigg'd out in their swallow-tail coats,


s: An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife,


s: To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes;


s: Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.


s: Wal, it's a marcy we're gut folks to tell us


s: The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow--


s: God sends country lawyers an' other wise fellers


s: To drive the world's team wen it gits in a slough;


s: Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!


s: Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball


s: As every man would buy, with cash and sense.


s: A country bumpkin the great offer heard:


s: Poor Hodge, who suffered by a broad black beard,


s: That seemed a shoe-brush stuck beneath his nose


s: With cheerfulness the eighteen-pence he paid,


s: And proudly to himself, in whispers, said,


s: "This rascal stole the razors, I suppose.


s: It certainly will be a monstrous prize."


s: So home the clown, with his good fortune, went,


s: And quickly soaped himself to ears and eyes.


s: Hodge now began with grinning pain to grub,


s: 'Twas a vile razor!--then the rest he tried--


s: "I wish my eighteen-pence within my purse."


s: In vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces,


s: He cut, and dug, and winced, and stamped, and swore,


s: Brought blood, and danced, blasphemed, and made wry faces,


s: And cursed each razor's body o'er and o'er:


s: His muzzle, formed of _opposition_ stuff,


s: Firm as a Foxite, would not lose its ruff!


s: So kept it--laughing at the steel and suds:


s: Hodge, in a passion, stretched his angry jaws,


s: Vowing the direst vengeance, with clenched claws,


s: Hodge sought the fellow--found him--and begun:


s: "P'rhaps, Master Razor rogue, to you 'tis fun,


s: That people flay themselves out of their lives:


s: You rascal! for an hour have I been grubbing,


s: Giving my crying whiskers here a scrubbing,


s: "Friend," quoth the razor-man, "I'm not a knave.


s: "Not think they'd _shave_!" quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes,


s: And voice not much unlike an Indian yell;


s: "What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries:


s: "Made!" quoth the fellow, with a smile--"to _sell_."


s: To look at his snug little farm of the World,


s: And backward and forward he swish'd his tail


s: His coat was red and his breeches were blue,


s: And there was a hole where his tail came through.


s: Such a flourishing, fine, clever woman was she,


s: I should take her for my Aunt, thought he,


s: Whose face with his own when he came to compare


s: And the character, too, as it seem'd to a hair--


s: Such a twin-likeness there was in the pair


s: For he thought there was surely a looking-glass there,


s: He pass'd a cottage with a double coach-house,


s: Well enough, in sooth, he liked that truth


s: And here it proved, as has often been said


s: With his own red blood, the Devil cried,


s: He entered a thriving bookseller's shop;


s: As he passed through Cold-Bath Fields he look'd


s: And he was well-pleased, for it gave him a hint


s: He saw the same turnkey unfettering a man


s: And he chuckled to think of his dear slave-trade,


s: And the long debates and delays that were made,


s: And forgetting himself for joy at her sight,


s: But she tipt him the wink, drew back, and cried,


s: A fine man and a famous Professor was he,


s: With throbs and throes, and ah's and oh's.


s: And thundering with his voice, the while


s: He call'd her aside, and began to chide,


s: Nay, Father, I boast, that this is my post,


s: Whatever lets down this church that we hate,


s: Many irons, my sire, have we in the fire,


s: Fine progress they make in our liberal opinions,


s: Well pleased wilt thou be at no very far day


s: That they may unite and fall on the prey,


s: How the nice boys all will give mouth at the call,


s: My Macs and my Quacks and my lawless-Jacks,


s: My Shiels and O'Connells, my pious Mac-Donnells,


s: My joke-smith Sydney, and all of his kidney,


s: Great news! bloody news! cried a newsman;


s: Great news? bloody news? thought the Devil,


s: Lying varlet, thought he, thus to take in old Nick!


s: To know thou art paid beforehand for the trick,


s: That what he had seen and what he had said


s: And the other when he heard it at breakfast,


s: He hath scoff'd at my hoofs and my horns,


s: Having ordered some soles for his dinner,


s: Why no bait should be better than place,


s: But the soles in the bill were ten shillings;


s: If he charges at this rate for all things,


s: And with wit moreover being happily bitten,


s: The erudite bibber was he who had written


s: I have put many ill thoughts in his mouth,


s: And if seeking an illicit connection with fame,


s: Where the silly rogue shall be caught by the leg,


s: So thought he I'll step into a gaming-house,


s: But just before he could get to the door


s: He came upon General ----'s burning face;


s: And it struck him with such consternation,


s: That home in a hurry his way did he take,


s: And Father Molloy he came to confess him;


s: Paddy pray'd hard he would make no delay,


s: But forgive him his sins and make haste for to bless him.


s: "First tell me your sins," says Father Molloy,


s: "For I'm thinking you've not been a very good boy."


s: "Oh," says Paddy, "so late in the evenin', I fear,


s: 'Twould throuble you such a long story to hear,


s: For you've ten long miles o'er the mountains to go,


s: While the road _I've_ to travel's much longer, you know.


s: So give us your blessin' and get in the saddle,


s: To tell all my sins my poor brain it would addle;


s: And the docther gave ordhers to keep me so quiet--


s: 'Twould disturb me to tell all my sins, if I'd thry it,


s: And your Reverence has towld us, unless we tell _all_,


s: 'Tis worse than not makin' confession at all.


s: So I'll say in a word I'm no very good boy--


s: And, therefore, your blessin', sweet Father Molloy."


s: "Well, I'll read from a book," says Father Molloy,


s: "The manifold sins that humanity's heir to;


s: And when you hear those that your conscience annoy,


s: You'll just squeeze my hand, as acknowledging thereto."


s: Then the father began the dark roll of iniquity,


s: And Paddy, thereat, felt his conscience grow rickety,


s: And he gave such a squeeze that the priest gave a roar--


s: "Oh, murdher," says Paddy, "don't read any more,


s: For, if you keep readin', by all that is thrue,


s: Your Reverence's fist will be soon black and blue;


s: Besides, to be throubled my conscience begins,


s: That your Reverence should have any hand in my sins,


s: So you'd betther suppose I committed them all,


s: For whether they're great ones, or whether they're small,


s: Or if they're a dozen, or if they're fourscore,


s: 'Tis your Reverence knows how to absolve them, asthore;


s: So I'll say in a word, I'm no very good boy--


s: And, therefore, your blessin', sweet Father Molloy."


s: "Well," says Father Molloy, "if your sins I forgive,


s: So you must forgive all your enemies truly;


s: And promise me also that, if you should live,


s: You'll leave off your old tricks, and begin to live newly."


s: "I forgive ev'rybody," says Pat, with a groan,


s: "Tut, tut," says the priest, "you're a very bad man;


s: For without your forgiveness, and also repentance,


s: You'll ne'er go to Heaven, and that is my sentence."


s: "Poo!" says Paddy McCabe, "that's a very hard case--


s: With your Reverence and Heaven I'm content to make pace;


s: But with Heaven and your Reverence I wondher--_Och hone_--


s: You would think of comparin' that blackguard Malone--


s: But since I'm hard press'd and that I _must_ forgive,


s: I forgive--if I die--but as sure as I live


s: That ugly blackguard I will surely desthroy!--


s: So, _now_ for your blessin', sweet Father Molloy!"


s: "Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop,


s: The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop;


s: The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading


s: The "Daily," the "Herald," the "Post," little heeding


s: The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;


s: Not one raised a head, or even made a suggestion;


s: How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is--


s: In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 't is!


s: I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,


s: And cannot be blinded to any deflections


s: Arising from unskilful fingers that fail


s: To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.


s: Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!"


s: I've made the white owl my study for years,


s: And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!


s: To _look_ at that owl really brings on a dizziness;


s: The man who stuffed _him_ don't half know his business!"


s: Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather.


s: In fact, about _him_ there's not one natural feather."


s: Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,


s: The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,


s: Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic


s: (Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic,


s: And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:


s: "Your learning's at fault _this_ time, anyway;


s: Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.


s: I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good day!"


s: What will we do when the good days come--


s: And the man who reads us his "little things"


s: Has lost his voice like the girl who sings;


s: When stilled is the breath of the cornet-man,


s: And the shrilling chords of the quartette clan;


s: When our neighbours' children have lost their drums--


s: Oh, what will we do when the good time comes?


s: Oh, what will we do in that good, blithe time,


s: When the tramp will work--oh, thing sublime!


s: And the scornful dame who stands on your feet


s: Will "Thank you, sir," for the proffered seat;


s: And the man you hire to work by the day,


s: Will steal no more than she thinks is right;


s: When the boy you hire will call you "Sir,"


s: And you have the key to the "wealth of nations."


s: Given "no cards," broad views, and a hovel,


s: Given symptoms and doctors with potion and pill,


s: And your heirs will ere long be contesting your will.


s: That good leads to evil there's no denying:


s: If it were not for _truth_ there would be no _lying_.


s: "Folks say," _et cetera_! Well, they shouldn't,


s: And if they knew you well, they wouldn't.


s: When you coddle your life, all its vigor and grace


s: Shrink away with the whisper, "We're in the wrong place."


s: You may notch it on de palin's as a mighty resky plan


s: To make your judgment by de clo'es dat kivers up a man;


s: For I hardly needs to tell you how you often come across


s: A fifty-dollar saddle on a twenty-dollar hoss;


s: An', wukin' in de low-groun's, you diskiver, as you go,


s: Dat de fines' shuck may hide de meanes' nubbin in a row.


s: I think a man has got a mighty slender chance for heben


s: Dat holds on to his piety but one day out o' seben;


s: Dat talks about de sinners wid a heap o' solemn chat,


s: And nebber draps a nickel in de missionary hat;


s: Dat's foremost in de meetin'-house for raisin' all de chunes,


s: But lays aside his 'ligion wid his Sunday pantaloons.


s: I nebber judge o' people dat I meets along de way


s: By de places whar dey come fum an' de houses whar dey stay;


s: For de bantam chicken's awful fond o' roostin' pretty high,


s: An' de turkey buzzard sails above de eagle in de sky;


s: Dey ketches little minners in de middle ob de sea,


s: An' you finds de smalles' possum up de bigges' kind o' tree!


s: And down they went thro' the garden trim,


s: In cassock and cowl, to the river's brim.


s: "Oh, to-morrow will be Friday, so we'll fish the stream to-day!


s: Oh, to-morrow will be Friday, so we'll fish the stream to-day!


s: And fish'd till the light was growing dim;


s: They fish'd the stream till the moon was high,


s: They fish'd the stream in the bright moonshine,


s: These rascally fish are all gone to sea.


s: And to-morrow will be Friday, but we've caught no fish to-day;


s: Oh, to-morrow will be Friday, but we've caught no fish to-day!


s: For they thought of the morrow with faces white,


s: But down in the depths of the vault below


s: So they quaff their wine, and all declare


s: That fish, after all, is but gruesome fare.


s: "Oh, to-morrow will be Friday, so we'll warm our souls to-day!


s: Oh, to-morrow will be Friday, so we'll warm our souls to-day!


s: Just take a trifling handful, O philosopher,


s: Of magic matter, give it a slight toss over


s: O hours Utopian which we may anticipate!


s: Thick London fog how easy 'tis to dissipate,


s: And make the most pea-soupy day as clear


s: Poet-professor! now my brain thou kindlest;


s: I am become a most determined Tyndallist.


s: This to deny, the folly of a dunce it is;


s: The creed of Archimedes, erst of Sicily,


s: And of D'Israeli ... _forti nil difficile_,


s: Why should an author scribble rhymes or articles?


s: Bring me a dozen tiny Tyndall particles;


s: Therefrom I'll coin a dinner, Nash's wine,


s: Churches and creeds are all lost in the mists;


s: Truth must be sought with the Positivists.


s: Wise are their teachers beyond all comparison,


s: Social arrangements are awful miscarriages;


s: Cause of all crime is our system of marriages.


s: Poets with sonnets, and lovers with trysts,


s: Husbands and wives should be all one community,


s: Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists--


s: There was an ape in the days that were earlier;


s: Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier;


s: Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist--


s: Bow down and worship the mass of humanity.


s: We're our own Gods, say the Positivists.


s: And I'll envy no Rothschild his million.


s: Things unattempted yet, in prose or rhyme,"


s: A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire.


s: Happy the man, who, void of cares and strife,


s: A Splendid Shilling: he nor hears with pain


s: New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale;


s: But with his friends, when nightly mists arise,


s: To Juniper's Magpie, or Town-hall repairs:


s: Where, mindful of the nymph, whose wanton eye


s: Transfix'd his soul, and kindled amorous flames,


s: Chloe, or Phillis, he each circling glass


s: Wisheth her health, and joy, and equal love.


s: Meanwhile, he smokes, and laughs at merry tale,


s: With scanty offals, and small acid tiff,


s: (Wretched repast!) my meagre corpse sustain:


s: Regale chill'd fingers: or from tube as black


s: As winter-chimney, or well-polish'd jet,


s: Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size,


s: Smokes Cambro-Briton (vers'd in pedigree,


s: Sprung from Cadwallador and Arthur, kings


s: O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff,


s: High over-shadowing rides, with a design


s: To vend his wares, or at th' Avonian mart,


s: Yelep'd Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream


s: Whence flow nectareous wines, that well may vie


s: Thus while my joyless minutes tedious flow,


s: With looks demure, and silent pace, a Dun,


s: Horrible monster! hated by gods and men,


s: With vocal heel thrice thundering at my gate,


s: With hideous accent thrice he calls; I know


s: The voice ill-boding, and the solemn sound.


s: What should I do? or whither turn? Amaz'd,


s: Of wood-hole; straight my bristling hairs erect


s: Through sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews


s: My shuddering limbs, and (wonderful to tell!)


s: My tongue forgets her faculty of speech;


s: Intrench'd with many a frown, and conic beard,


s: And spreading band, admir'd by modern saints,


s: Disastrous acts forbode; in his right hand


s: Long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves,


s: With characters and figures dire inscrib'd,


s: Grievous to mortal eyes; (ye gods, avert


s: Such plagues from righteous men!) Behind him stalks


s: A catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods,


s: With force incredible, and magic charms,


s: Of debtor, straight his body, to the touch


s: Obsequious (as whilom knights were wont,)


s: Where gates impregnable, and coercive chains,


s: In durance strict detain him, till, in form


s: Beware, ye debtors! when ye walk, beware,


s: The caitiff eyes your steps aloof, and oft


s: Prompt to enchant some inadvertent wretch


s: With his unhallowed touch. So, (poets sing)


s: Portending her fell claws, to thoughtless mice


s: Obvious to vagrant flies: she secret stands


s: Within her woven cell: the humming prey,


s: Regardless of their fate, rush on the toils


s: Their arts, or arms, or shapes of lovely hue;


s: The wasp insidious, and the buzzing drone,


s: Distinct with gold, entangled in her snares,


s: Useless resistance make; with eager strides,


s: She towering flies to her expected spoils;


s: Then, with envenomed jaws, the vital blood


s: Drinks of reluctant foes, and to her cave


s: So pass my days. But when nocturnal shades


s: This world envelop, and th' inclement air


s: With pleasant wines, and crackling blaze of wood;


s: Me, lonely sitting, nor the glimmering light


s: Of make-weight candle, nor the joyous talk


s: Of loving friend, delights: distress'd, forlorn,


s: Amidst the horrors of the tedious night,


s: Darkling I sigh, and feed with dismal thoughts


s: My anxious mind: or sometimes mournful verse


s: Indite, and sing of groves and myrtle shades,


s: Or desperate lady near a purling stream,


s: And restless wish, and rave; my parched throat


s: Thoughtful of drink, and eager, in a dream,


s: In vain; awake I find the settled thirst


s: Still gnawing, and the pleasant phantom curse.


s: Thus do I live, from pleasure quite debarred,


s: Nor taste the fruits that the sun's genial rays


s: Mature, john-apple, nor the downy peach,


s: Nor walnut in rough-furrow'd coat secure,


s: Afflictions great! yet greater still remain:


s: My galligaskins, that have long withstood


s: The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts,


s: By time subdued (what will not time subdue!)


s: Eurus and Auster, and the dreadful force


s: Of Boreas, that congeals the Cronian waves,


s: Tumultuous enter with dire chilling blasts,


s: Portending agues. Thus a well-fraught ship,


s: Long sail'd secure, or through th' Ægean deep,


s: On Scylla, or Charybdis (dangerous rocks!)


s: She strikes rebounding; whence the shatter'd oak,


s: The crowding waves gush with impetuous rage


s: The mariners; Death in their eyes appears,


s: They stare, they lave, they pump, they swear, they pray


s: (Vain efforts!) still the battering waves rush in,


s: The ship sinks foundering in the vast abyss.


s: 'Tis not for wealth, with all the shocks


s: And lands that stretch with endless span


s: Though Laureates bask in Fortune's smile,


s: True but for lying, honest but for stealing,


s: Did fall one day extremely sick by chance,


s: And on the sudden was in wondrous trance.


s: The Fiends of hell, mustering in fearful manner,


s: Of sundry-coloured silks displayed a banner,


s: Which he had stol'n; and wished, as they did tell,


s: That one day he might find it all in hell.


s: He bought a Bible of the new translation,


s: And in his life he showed great reformation.


s: He heard three lectures and two sermons weekly;


s: And in his speech he used no oath but "truly":


s: And, zealously to keep the Sabbath's rest,


s: His meat for that day on the even was dressed.


s: And, lest the custom that he had to steal


s: Might cause him sometime to forget his zeal,


s: He gives his journeyman a special charge


s: That, if the stuff allowed fell out too large,


s: And that to filch his fingers were inclined,


s: He then should put the Banner in his mind.


s: This done, I scant the rest can tell for laughter.


s: A Captain of a ship came three days after,


s: And bought three yards of velvet and three quarters,


s: To make Venetians down below the garters.


s: He, that precisely knew what was enough,


s: Soon slipped away three quarters of the stuff.


s: "Remember, Master, how you saw the vision!"


s: "Peace, knave," quoth he; "I did not see one rag


s: Of such-a-coloured silk in all the flag."


s: Who money has, becomes of gentle strain;


s: Who money has, the ladies ne'er disdain;


s: Who money has, loud praises will attain;


s: Who money has, in the world's heart is stored,


s: O'er all mankind he holds his conquering track--


s: Who money has, will wisdom's credit gain;


s: Who money has, praise is his sure reward,


s: Who money has, from nothing need refrain;.


s: Who money has, in every heart does reign;


s: Who money has, all to approach are fain;


s: Who money has, none does his right restrain;


s: Who money has, can whom he will maintain;


s: Who money has, clerk, prior, by his gold,


s: Who money has, all raise, none hold him back--


s: She'll make up her mind not to mind them.


s: It come fum de Jimmerson cawn fiel', dah on ter side er de road.


s: _I'll_ fix you. Mirandy! Mirandy! go cut me a hick'ry--make 'ase!


s: En he's tuk it down up yander in coal-black, blood-red letters--


s: "One water-million stoled by Wi'yum Josephus Vetters."


s: En wut you s'posin' Brer Bascom, yo' teacher at Sunday school,


s: 'Ud say ef he knowed how you's broke de good Lawd's Gol'n Rule?


s: John Grumlie swore by the light o' the moon


s: And a' gade wrang, and nought gade right;


s: While John Grumlie swore by the light o' the moon


s: It was an hairy oubit, sae proud he crept alang;


s: A feckless hairy oubit, and merrily he sang:


s: "My Minnie bade me bide at home until I won my wings,


s: I shew her soon my soul's aboon the warks o' creeping things."


s: This feckless hairy oubit cam' hirpling by the linn,


s: A swirl o' wind cam' doun the glen, and blew that oubit in.


s: Oh, when he took the water, the saumon fry they rose,


s: And tigg'd him a' to pieces sma', by head and tail and toes.


s: Tak' warning then, young poets a', by this poor oubit's shame;


s: Though Pegasus may nicher loud, keep Pegasus at hame.


s: O haud your hands frae inkhorns, though a' the Muses woo;


s: For critics lie, like saumon fry, to mak' their meals o' you.


s: But he shaved with a shell when he chose,--


s: And the Dawn, and the Moon, and the trees


s: Till their knees came right under their nose,--


s: But he sang in a strain that would scan,


s: For (to doubt it, perchance, were morose)


s: With his stones, and his bones, and his bows,


s: When he rushed on the world and its woes,--


s: Good Luck is the gayest of all gay girls;


s: Back from your brow she strokes the curls,