s: And saw all the rest swallow'd up the wild stream in;


s: For the bodies, and poke in each cranny and creek;


s: They caught nothing but weeds, and perhaps a few perch.


s: Of methods, and brought down, to drag for the wreck, tackles


s: But they only fished up the clerk's tortoise-shell spectacles.


s: This tale has a moral. Ye youths, oh, beware


s: Of liquor, and how you run after the fair!


s: Shun playing at SHORTS--avoid quarrels and jars--


s: And don't take to smoking those nasty cigars!


s: Damsel, induce you to contemplate suicide!


s: Don't sit up much later than ten or eleven!--


s: Be up in the morning by half after seven!


s: Keep from flirting--nor risk, warn'd by Rupert's miscarriage,


s: An action for breach of a promise of marriage;--


s: And to sum up the whole, in the shortest phrase I know,


s: "Look at the Clock!" quoth Winifred Pryce,


s: As she opened the door to her husband's knock,


s: Then paused to give him a piece of advice,


s: Treat her who vow'd to love and obey you?--


s: Staggering home as it's just getting light!


s: You intoxified brute!--you insensible block!--


s: Her gown was a flower'd one, her petticoat green,


s: Her buckles were bright as her milking-cans,


s: Her hat was a beaver, and made like a man's;


s: Her little red eyes were deep set in their socket-holes,


s: Her gown-tail was turn'd up, and tuck'd through the pocket-holes;


s: To conclude, Mrs. Pryce was not over young,


s: Had very short legs, and a very long tongue.


s: I really believe he'd have emptied a pail;


s: To pronounce the word they make use of might trouble you,


s: Mr. David Pryce had been soaking his clay,


s: And amusing himself with his pipe and cheroots,


s: The whole afternoon at the Goat-in-Boots,


s: Both, like himself, prime singers and jokers;


s: And, long after day had drawn to a close,


s: And the rest of the world was wrapp'd in repose,


s: They were roaring out "Shenkin!" and "Ar hydd y nos;"


s: While David himself, to a Sassenach tune,


s: Sang, "We've drunk down the Sun, boys! let's drink down the Moon!


s: Mrs. Winifred Pryce, 't was made for you!"--


s: At length, when they couldn't well drink any more,


s: Old "Goat-in-Boots" showed them the door:


s: David felt when his wife cried, "Look at the Clock!"


s: For the hands stood as crooked as crooked might be,


s: The long at the Twelve, and the short at the Three!


s: That self-same clock had long been a bone


s: Of contention between this Darby and Joan;


s: When this otherwise amiable couple fell out,


s: At its case, of an "Uncle" of his, who'd a "Spout."


s: Than Winifred Pryce would turn her about,


s: "Spout" herself till her nose grew red at the tip,


s: Your wife,--ay, a dozen of wives,--for a shilling!


s: (Mrs. P. was too well-bred to mention her stock),


s: But I never will part with my Grandmother's Clock!"


s: Mrs. Pryce's tongue ran long and ran fast,


s: But patience is apt to wear out at last,


s: So he stretch'd out his hand, and caught hold of a stick;


s: Perhaps in its use he might mean to be lenient,


s: But walking just then wasn't very convenient,


s: Her case, perhaps, was not much mended by that:


s: But whatever it was,--whether rage and pain


s: Or her tumble induced a concussion of brain,


s: I can't say for certain,--but THIS I can,


s: When sober'd by fright, to assist her he ran,


s: Mrs. Winifred Pryce was dead as Queen Anne!


s: As adding to grim Death's exploits such a vast trophy,


s: Made a great noise; and the shocking fatality,


s: Ran over, like wild-fire, the whole Principality.


s: And then came Mr. Ap Thomas, the Coroner,


s: With his jury to sit, some dozen or more, on her.


s: Made a "powerful appeal" to the jury's "good sense,"


s: Any presumption of 'Malice Prepense;'"--        The unlucky lick


s: He "deplored"--he was "apt to be rather too quick;"--


s: Some trifling correction was just what he meant;--all


s: The rest, he assured them, was "quite accidental!"


s: And her gestures and hints about "breaking his bones,"


s: And swear they had witness'd, with grief and surprise,


s: The allusion she made to his limbs and his eyes.


s: The jury, in fine, having sat on the body


s: The whole day, discussing the case, and gin-toddy,


s: Return'd about half-past eleven at night


s: The following verdict, "We find, SARVE HER RIGHT!"


s: Mr. Pryce, Mrs. Winifred Pryce being dead,


s: Felt lonely, and moped; and one evening he said


s: He would marry Miss Davis at once in her stead.


s: Rose a mountain, it's name you'll excuse me from telling


s: For the vowels made use of in Welsh are so few


s: Have really but little or nothing to do;


s: And the duty, of course, falls the heavier by far,


s: On the L, and the H, and the N, and the R,


s: Come two LL's, and two HH's, two FF's, and an N;


s: About half a score R's and some Ws follow,


s: Beating all my best efforts at euphony hollow:


s: But we shan't have to mention it often, so when


s: We do, with your leave, we'll curtail it to "PEN."


s: When Pryce, being quit of his fuss and his fright,


s: A man puts out when walking in search of a bride


s: Till, finding his legs were beginning to tire,


s: He paus'd, and turn'd round to take breath, and to rest;


s: To make one, however robust, puff and blow,


s: So he stopp'd, and look'd down on the valley below.


s: All bright in the moonshine, his eye roved, and then


s: All the Patriot rose in his soul, and he thought


s: Upon Wales, and her glories, and all he'd been taught


s: Of her Bards with long beards, and harps mounted in gold


s: And the scandalous manner in which he behaved,


s: Of whom not one in fifty had ever been shaved--


s: Of the Court Ball, at which, by a lucky mishap,


s: Owen Tudor fell into Queen Katherine's lap;


s: Till the Dowager put on a new wedding ring,


s: And so made him Father-in law to the King.


s: He thought upon Arthur, and Merlin of yore,


s: On Pendragon, and Heaven knows how many more.


s: He thought of all this, as he gazed, in a trice,


s: On all things, in short, but the late Mrs. Pryce;


s: When a lumbering noise from behind made him start,


s: And sent the blood back in full tide to his heart,


s: Or the air,--from above,--or below,--or around?--


s: It's not like the clattering of pot or of pan,


s: Or the tramp of a horse,--or the tread of a man,--


s: Or the hum of a crowd,--or the shouting of boys,--


s: It's really a deuced odd sort of a noise!


s: Not unlike a cart's,--but that can't be;--for when


s: Could "all the King's horses, and all the King's men,"


s: With Old Nick for a wagoner, drive one up "PEN?"


s: Pryce, usually brimful of valor when drunk,


s: Now experienced what school-boys denominate "funk."


s: He had traversed; a thick cloud, uncommonly black,


s: At this moment obscured the broad disc of the moon,


s: And did not seem likely to pass away soon;


s: Be the noise what it might, it drew nearer and nearer,


s: And sounded, as Pryce to this moment declares,


s: Very much "like a coffin a-walking up stairs."


s: As in such a companion he saw no great fun,


s: He had passed, and he saw, with no little dismay,


s: Coming after him, bounding o'er crag and o'er rock,


s: The deceased Mrs. Winifred's "Grandmother's Clock!!"


s: 'Twas so!--it had certainly moved from its place,


s: And come, lumbering on thus, to hold him in chase;


s: 'Twas the very same Head, and the very same Case,


s: And nothing was altered at all--but the Face!


s: In that he perceived, with no little surprise,


s: The two little winder-holes turn'd into eyes


s: And the "Name of the Maker" was changed to a Lip,


s: And the Hands to a Nose with a very red tip,


s: No!--he could not mistake it,--'twas SHE to the life!


s: The identical face of his poor defunct Wife!


s: As the doctors write down when they send you their "stuff,"--


s: Like a Weather-cock whirled by a vehement puff,


s: He clear'd, in his start, at the very first bound!


s: I've seen people run at West End Fair for cheeses--


s: I've seen Ladies run at Bow Fair for chemises--


s: At Greenwich Fair twenty men run for a hat,


s: And one from a Bailiff much faster than that--


s: At foot-ball I've seen lads run after the bladder--


s: I've seen Irish Bricklayers run up a ladder--


s: I've seen little boys run away from a cane--


s: And I've seen (that is, READ OF) good running in Spain;


s: All I have ever heard of boys, women, or men,


s: Falls far short of Pryce, as he ran over "PEN!"


s: Having once gained the summit, and managed to cross it, he


s: Rolls down the side with uncommon velocity;


s: That bugbear behind him is after him still!


s: And close at his heels, not at all to his liking,


s: The terrible clock keeps on ticking and striking,


s: But falls as he reaches Miss Davis's door,


s: And screams when they rush out, alarm'd at his knock,


s: Miss Davis look'd up, Miss Davis look'd down,


s: She saw nothing there to alarm her;--a frown


s: A man should come knocking at that time of night,


s: And give her Mamma and herself such a fright;--


s: She begg'd "he'd not think of repeating his call;


s: She'd "have him to know she was meat for his Master!"


s: Then regardless alike of his love and his woes,


s: She turn'd on her heel and she turn'd up her nose,


s: He "dared not," he said, "cross the mountain again."


s: Was said she was setting her cap at the Curate;--


s: Be that as it may, it is certain the sole hole


s: Pryce found to creep into that night was the Coal-hole!


s: And with very bruised limbs, and with very sore feet,


s: But he sigh'd, and he sobb'd, and he groan'd, and he wept;


s: Bewailing his fate with contortions and grins,


s: And her he once thought a complete Rara Avis,


s: Consigning to Satan,--viz., cruel Miss Davis'


s: Mr. David has since had a "serious call,"


s: He never drinks ale, wine, or spirits, at all,


s: People that "they can't brew their malt liquor too small!"


s: That an ancient Welsh Poet, one PYNDAR AP TUDOR,


s: Was right in proclaiming "ARISTON MEN UDOR!"


s: And that GIN'S but a SNARE of Old Nick the deluder!


s: And "still on each evening when pleasure fills up,"


s: At the old Goat-in-Boots, with Metheglin, each cup


s: And make all his QUONDAM associates stare


s: By calling aloud to the Landlady's daughter,


s: "Patty, bring a cigar, and a glass of Spring Water!"


s: The dial he constantly watches; and when


s: The long hand's at the "XII.," and the short at the "X.,"


s: Takes his hat and great-coat off their several pegs,


s: With his President's hammer bestows his last knock,


s: And the Bagman resolved upon bringing him up,


s: To eat of his bread, and to drink of his cup,


s: He was such a dear little cock-tail'd pup!


s: He would carry, and fetch, and run after a stick,


s: Till the Bagman permissively waved his hand:


s: Then to throw up and catch it he never would fail,


s: As he sat up on end, on his little cock-tail.


s: Or possess'd of such natural talent as he;


s: Agreed he grew handsomer, sleeker, and bolder.


s: And the cock-tail'd puppy's a curly-tail'd dog!


s: And all thought he'd be turning out something sublime,


s: Whether soft liaison induced him to stray,


s: Or some kidnapping vagabond coaxed him away,


s: He had been, and was not--that's all that they knew


s: And the Bagman storm'd, and the Bagman swore


s: But storming or swearing but little avails


s: To recover lost dogs with great curly tails.


s: In a large paved court, close by Billiter Square,


s: Stands a mansion, old, but in thorough repair,


s: The only thing strange, from the general air


s: Of its size and appearance, is how it got there;


s: With a shell-pattern'd architrave over the door.


s: It is spacious, and seems to be built on the plan


s: Of a Gentleman's house in the time of Queen Anne;


s: Under Tudors and Stuarts the City could show


s: Many Noblemen's seats above Bridge and below,


s: Yet that fashion soon after induced them to go


s: From St. Michael Cornhill, and St. Mary-le-Bow,


s: To my tale--that's about Seventeen Sixty-Nine--


s: This mansion, now rather upon the decline,


s: Had less dignified owners--belonging, in fine,


s: A respectable House in the Manchester line.


s: Who had travel'd full oft for the firm before,


s: But just at this period they wanted to send


s: Some person on whom they could safely depend--


s: A trust-worthy body, half agent, half friend--


s: On some mercantile matter, as far as Ostend;


s: And the person they pitch'd on was Anthony Blogg


s: A grave, steady man, not addicted to grog--


s: The Bagman, in short, who had lost the great dog.


s: That is the place where we all wish to be,


s: In the boudoir, the street, at the concert, and play,


s: You may roam through the City, transversely or straight


s: From Whitechapel turnpike to Cumberland gate,


s: And every young Lady who thrums a guitar,


s: Ev'ry mustached Shopman who smokes a cigar,


s: Of being a "Rover" and "Child of the Ocean"--


s: Whate'er their age, sex, or condition may be,


s: They all of them long for the "Wide, Wide Sea!"


s: The "Wessel" they "Woyage" in has made half her way


s: Between Shell-Ness Point and the pier at Herne Bay,


s: Let the wind meet the tide in the slightest degree,


s: They'll be all of them heartily sick of "the Sea!"


s: I've stood in Margate, on a bridge of size


s: Inferior far to that described by Byron,


s: Where "palaces and pris'ns on each hand rise--"


s: --That too's a stone one, this is made of iron--


s: And little donkey-boys your steps environ,


s: Each proffering for your choice his tiny hack,


s: Vaunting its excellence; and, should you hire one,


s: For sixpence, will he urge, with frequent thwack,


s: The much-enduring beast to Buenos Ayres--and back.


s: I've stood, and turn'd my gaze upon the pier,


s: And seen the crews, that did embark so gay


s: That self-same morn, now disembark so queer;


s: Then to myself I've sigh'd and said, "Oh dear!


s: Who would believe yon sickly-looking man's a


s: London Jack Tar--a Cheapside Buccaneer!--"


s: But hold, my Muse!--for this terrific stanza


s: Is all too stiffly grand for our Extravaganza.


s: --I hope you've sufficient discernment to see,


s: Gentle Reader, that here the discarding the D


s: Is a fault which you must not attribute to me;


s: Thus my Nurse cut it off when, "with counterfeit glee,"


s: She sung, as she danced me about on her knee,


s: In the year of our Lord eighteen hundred and three:


s: All I mean to say is, that the Muse is now free


s: From the self-imposed trammels put on by her betters,


s: And no longer like Filch, midst the felons and debtors,


s: At Drury Lane, dances her hornpipe in fetters.


s: To our hero, the Bagman--Alas! and Alack!


s: Spite of sundry unwonted potations of grog,


s: By the time the Dutch packet is fairly at sea,


s: With the sands called the Goodwins a league on her lee.


s: And now, my good friends, I've a fine opportunity


s: To obfuscate you all by sea terms with impunity,


s: (At which Mr. Poole has so wickedly laughed),


s: Of binnacles--bilboes--the boom call'd the spanker,


s: The best bower-cable--the jib--and sheet-anchor;


s: Of lower-deck guns--and of broadsides and chases,


s: Of taffrails and topsails, and splicing main-braces,


s: And "Shiver my timbers!" and other odd phrases


s: Employ'd by old pilots, with hard-featured faces;--


s: Of the expletives sea-faring Gentlemen use,


s: The allusions they make to the eyes of their crews;--


s: And what very long pigtails a great many wear.--


s: But, Reader, I scorn it--the fact is, I fear,


s: To be candid, I can't make these matters so clear


s: Or Sir E. Lytton Bulwer, who brought up the rear


s: Of the "Nauticals," just at the end of the year


s: Eighteen thirty-nine--(how Time flies!--Oh, dear!)--


s: With a well-written preface, to make it appear


s: That his play, the "Sea-Captain," 's by no means small beer.


s: There!--"brought up the rear"--you see there's a mistake


s: Which none of the authors I've mentioned would make,


s: I ought to have said, that he "sail'd in their wake."--


s: So I'll merely observe, as the water grew rougher


s: The more my poor hero continued to suffer,


s: Till the Sailors themselves cried, in pity, "Poor Buffer!"


s: And the thunder kick'd up such a hullballoo,


s: That even the Skipper began to look blue;


s: And seem'd not to know what exactly to do,


s: And they who'd the charge of them wrote in the logs,


s: "Wind N. E.--blows a hurricane--rains cats and dogs."


s: In short it soon grew to a tempest as rude as


s: That Shakspeare describes near the "still vex'd Bermudas,"


s: The King's ship, with the whole Neapolitan Court,


s: And swamp'd it to give "the King's Son, Ferdinand," a


s: Soft moment or two with the Lady Miranda,


s: While her Pa met the rest, and severely rebuked 'em


s: For unhandsomely doing him out of his Dukedom,


s: You don't want me, however, to paint you a Storm,


s: As so many have done, and in colors so warm;


s: Lord Byron, for instance, in manner facetious,


s: Mr. Ainsworth, more gravely,--see also Lucretius,


s: --A writer who gave me no trifling vexation


s: When a youngster at school, on Dean Colet's foundation.--


s: And the next, and the next, they were scudding away


s: Of those flatulent folks known in Classical story as


s: Till at length they came bump on the rocks and the shallows


s: In West longtitude, One, fifty-seven, near St. Maloes;


s: Or that Blogg, who had made, from intestine commotions,


s: His specific gravity less than the Ocean's,


s: Like a cork in a gutter, which, swoll'n by a shower,


s: Runs down Holborn-hill about nine knots an hour.


s: You've seen, I've no doubt, at Bartholomew fair,


s: Gentle Header,--that is, if you've ever been there,--


s: With their hands tied behind them, some two or three pair


s: Of boys round a bucket set up on a chair,


s: Their faces and hair with the water all dripping,


s: In an anxious attempt to catch hold of a pippin,


s: That bobs up and down in the water whenever


s: They touch it, as mocking the fruitless endeavor;


s: Exactly as Poets say,--how, though, they can't tell us,--


s: Old Nick's Nonpareils play at bob with poor Tantalus


s: 'T was the water itself that slipp'd from him, I fear;


s: Faith, I can't recollect, and I haven't Lempriere--


s: No matter,--poor Blogg went on clucking and bobbing,


s: Sneezing out the salt water, and gulping and sobbing,


s: Just as Clarence, in Shakspeare, describes all the qualms he


s: Experienced while dreaming they'd drown'd him in Malmsey.


s: "O Lord," he thought, "what pain it was to drown!"


s: And saw great fishes with great goggling eyes,


s: And looking as they thought him quite a prize,


s: When, as he sank, and all was growing dark,


s: A something seized him with its jaws!--A shark?--


s: No such thing, Reader--most opportunely for Blogg,


s: 'Twas a very large, web-footed, curly-tail'd Dog!


s: I'm not much of a trav'ler, and really can't boast


s: That I know a great deal of the Brittany coast,


s: The people of Granville, St. Maloes, and thereabout,


s: Are a class that society doesn't much care about;


s: Men who gam their subsistence by contraband dealing,


s: And a mode of abstraction strict people call "stealing,"


s: Notwithstanding all which, they are civil of speech,


s: Above all to a stranger who comes within reach;


s: At last dragged him out, high and dry on the beach.


s: By no means to think "all that glitters is gold,"


s: Join the manners and air of a Maitre de Danse,


s: To the morals--(as Johnson of Chesterfield said)--


s: Much addicted to flirting, and dressing in red.--


s: A suspicious observer perhans might have traced


s: The petiles soins, tendered with so much good taste


s: To the sight of an old-fashion'd pocket-book, placed


s: In a black leather belt well secured round his waist


s: And a ring set with diamonds, his finger that graced,


s: So brilliant, no one could have guess'd they were paste.


s: You will wonder, perhaps, there were not a few more;


s: But the fact is they've not, in that part of the nation,


s: What Malthus would term, a "too dense population,"


s: Indeed the sole sign of man's habitation


s: That led away inland direct from the shingle


s: Its sides clothed with underwood, gloomy and dark,


s: Some two hundred yards above high-water mark;


s: Viz., an old man, his wife, two lads, made a start, he


s: To express, in indifferent French, all he feels,


s: The great curly-tail'd Dog keeping close to his heels.--


s: They soon reach'd the hut, which seem'd partly in ruin,


s: All the way bowing, chattering, shrugging, Mon-Dieuing,


s: Grimacing, and what sailors call parley-vooing,


s: Is it Paris, or Kitchener, Reader, exhorts


s: You, whenever your stomach's at all out of sorts,


s: To try, if you find richer viands won't stop in it,


s: A basin of good mutton broth with a chop in it?


s: (Such a basin and chop as I once heard a witty one


s: Call, at the Garrick, "a c--d Committee one,"


s: An expression, I own, I do not think a pretty one.)


s: Such a mess as I speak of is very good cheer;


s: And is hungry, and tired, and don't know what to do.


s: Now just such a mess of delicious hot pottage


s: Was smoking away when they enter'd the cottage,


s: Through the whole of an ugly ill-furnish'd room;


s: Well replenish'd, but really I can't say with what;


s: For, famed as the French always are for ragouts,


s: No creature can tell what they put in their stews,


s: Whether bull-frogs, old gloves, or old wigs, or old shoes


s: Notwithstanding, when offer'd I rarely refuse,


s: Any more than poor Blogg did, when seeing the reeky


s: Repast placed before him, scarce able to speak, he


s: In ecstasy mutter'd, "By Jove, Cocky-leeky!"


s: Every feeling and faculty bent on the gruel, he


s: No more blamed Fortune for treating him cruelly,


s: But fell tooth and nail on the soup and the bouilli.


s: A part of his dress which the watery sky


s: Blandly he smil'd, but still he look'd sly,


s: And something sinister lurk'd in his eye,


s: Indeed, had you seen him his maritime dress in,


s: You'd have own'd his appearance was not prepossessing;


s: He'd a "dreadnought" coat, and heavy sabots,


s: With thick wooden soles turn'd up at the toes,


s: His nether man cased in a striped quelque chose,


s: And a hump on his back, and a great hook'd nose,


s: So that nine out of ten would be led to suppose


s: That the person before them was Punch in plain clothes.


s: Yet still, as I told you, he smiled on all present,


s: And did all that lay in his power to look pleasant.


s: Helping her guest to a deal of the stew;


s: She fish'd up the meat, and she help'd him to that,


s: She help'd him to lean, and she help'd him to fat.


s: And it look'd like Hare--but it might have been Cat.


s: The little garcons too strove to express


s: Their sympathy toward the "Child of distress"


s: With a great deal of juvenile French politesse;


s: Of the fat, and the lean, and the tender, and tough,


s: Till they thought he would never cry "Hold, enough!"


s: And the old woman's tones became far less agreeable,


s: Sounding like peste! and sacre! and diable!


s: I've seen an old saw, which is well worth repeating,


s: You'll find it so printed by Caxton or Wynkyn,


s: And a very good proverb it is to my thinking.


s: His ear caught the sound of the word "Morbleu!"


s: Pronounced by the old woman under her breath.


s: Now, not knowing what she could mean by "Blue Death!"


s: He conceiv'd she referr'd to a delicate brewing


s: Which is almost synonymous,--namely, "Blue Ruin."


s: So he pursed up his lip to a smile, and with glee,


s: In his cockneyfy'd accent, responded "Oh, VEE!"


s: So she turn'd to the cupboard, and, having some handy,


s: Produced, rightly deeming he would not object to it,


s: An oracular bulb with a very long neck to it;


s: In fact you perceive her mistake was the same as his,


s: Each of them "reasoning right from wrong premises;"--


s: Kind Reader--you sometimes permit me to stray--


s: 'Tis strange the French prove, when they take to aspersing,


s: So inferior to us in the science of cursing:


s: And how odd 'tis to hear him, when beat to a jelly,


s: Roar out in a passion, "Blue Death!" and "Blue Belly!"


s: "To return to our sheep" from, this little digression:--


s: Blogg's features assumed a complacent expression


s: As he emptied his glass, and she gave him a fresh one;


s: Perhaps you or I might have done, though, as he did;


s: For when once Madam Fortune deals out her hard raps


s: At such times, of all things in nature, perhaps,


s: There's not one that is half so seducing as Schnaps.


s: Was, like most other Bagmen, remarkably shy,


s: Every time that she ask'd him to "wet t' other eye;"


s: For 'twas worthy remark that she spared not the stoup,


s: Though before she had seem'd so to grudge him the soup,


s: Gave hints of a strong disposition to doze,


s: And a yearning to seek "horizontal repose."--


s: During all the long meal had continued to toast


s: Perceived, from his breathing and nodding, the views


s: Of his guest were directed to "taking a snooze:"


s: So he caught up a lamp in his huge dirty paw,


s: With (as Blogg used to tell it) "Mounseer, swivvy maw!"


s: Up stairs to an attic, large, gloomy, and low,


s: Save an old-fashion'd bedstead, much out of repair,


s: That stood at the end most remov'd from the stair.--


s: Just as much as to say, "There!--I think you'll be snug!"


s: Makes a formal Salaam, and is then seen no more;


s: When just as the ear lost the sound of his tread,


s: To the Bagman's surprise, and, at first, to his dread,


s: The great curly tail'd Dog crept from under the bed!--


s: --It's a very nice thing when a man's in a fright,


s: And thinks matters all wrong, to find matters all right;


s: As, for instance, when going home late-ish at night


s: Through a Church-yard, and seeing a thing all in white.


s: Which, of course, one is led to consider a Sprite,


s: Or a miller, or chalky-faced donkey at most;


s: Or, when taking a walk as the evenings begin


s: To close, or, as some people call it, "draw in,"


s: And some undefined form, "looming large" through the haze


s: Presents itself, right in your path, to your gaze,


s: Or a sever'd carotid, to find that, instead


s: Of one of those ruffians who murder and fleece men,


s: It's your uncle, or one of the "Rural Policemen;"--


s: You're delighted with what just before gave you pain;


s: You laugh at your fears--and your friend in the fog


s: Meets a welcome as cordial as Anthony Blogg


s: Now bestow'd on HIS friend--the great curly-tail'd Dog.


s: For the Dog leap'd up, and his paws found a place


s: On each side his neck in a canine embrace,


s: And he lick'd Blogg's hands, and he lick'd his face,


s: And he waggled his tail as much as to say,


s: "Mr. Blogg, we've foregather'd before to-day!"


s: And the Bagman saw, as he now sprang up,


s: Before, had he not been so eager to sup,


s: 'T was Sancho!--the Dog he had rear'd from a pup!--


s: The Dog who when sinking had seized his hair--


s: The Dog who had saved, and conducted him there--


s: The Dog he had lost out of Billiter Square!


s: When friends, long sever'd by distance, meet--


s: With what warmth and affection each other they greet!


s: If there seems any chance of a little cadeau,


s: A "Present from Brighton," or "Token" to show,


s: In the shape of a work-box, ring, bracelet, or so,


s: That our friends don't forget us, although they may go


s: If some little advantage seems likely to start,


s: From a fifty-pound note to a two-penny tart,


s: It's surprising to see how it softens the heart,


s: And you'll find those whose hopes from the other are strongest,


s: Use, in common, endearments the thickest and longest


s: When abroad, and we have not a single friend near,


s: E'en a cur that will love us becomes very dear,


s: And the balance of interest 'twixt him and the Dog


s: Of course was inclining to Anthony Blogg,


s: Perhaps thinking "Enough is as good as a feast;"


s: And besides, as we've said, being sleepy and mellow,


s: He grew tired of patting, and crying "Poor fellow!"


s: So his smile by degrees harden'd into a frown,


s: And his "That's a good dog!" into "Down, Sancho! down!"


s: But nothing could stop his mute fav'rite's caressing,


s: Who, in fact, seem'd resolved to prevent his undressing,


s: "Most beloved of masters, pray, don't go to bed;


s: You had much better sit up, and pat me instead!"


s: Nay, at last, when determined to take some repose,


s: Blogg threw himself down on the outside the clothes,


s: And kept him awake with his very cold nose;


s: Till Blogg really believed he must have some design in


s: Thus breaking his rest; above all, when at length


s: The Dog scratch'd him off from the bed by sheer strength.


s: Extremely annoy'd by the "tarnation whop," as it


s: 's call'd in Kentuck, on his head and its opposite,


s: Of the flickering candle, that had not yet quite


s: Burnt down in the socket, though not over bright,


s: Certain dark-color'd stains, as of blood newly spilt,


s: Reveal'd by the dog's having scratch'd off the quilt--


s: Which hinted a story of horror and guilt'--


s: In an instant; for, when only decently drunk,


s: Nothing sobers a man so completely as "funk."


s: In the kitchen below--what the deuce are they at?--


s: There's the ugly old Fisherman scolding his wife--


s: And she!--by the Pope! she's whetting a knife!--


s: The edge of the weapon sounds shriller and louder!--


s: Half so much, or a dose of the best James's powder,--


s: It ceases--all's silent!--and now, I declare


s: There's somebody crawls up that rickety stair.


s: The horrid old ruffian comes, cat-like, creeping;--


s: He opens the door just sufficient to peep in,


s: And sees, as he fancies, the Bagman sleeping!


s: For Blogg, when he'd once ascertain'd that there was some


s: "Precious mischief" on foot, had resolv'd to play "'Possum;"--


s: Apparently sleeping as sound as the dead;


s: While, though none who look'd at him would think such a thing


s: Every nerve in his frame was braced up for a spring.


s: And you'd not have insur'd his guest's life for a shilling,


s: As the knife gleam'd on high, bright and sharp as a razor,


s: Blogg, starting upright, "tipped" the fellow "a facer;"--


s: --Down went man and weapon.--Of all sorts of blows,


s: From what Mr. Jackson reports, I suppose


s: There are few that surpass a flush hit on the nose.


s: (Though each of these names some pronounce a misnomer,


s: While, as to the second, they stoutly declare


s: He was no one knows who, and born no one knows where)


s: Or had I the quill of Pierce Egan, a writer


s: Acknowledged the best theoretical fighter


s: Who, doffing their coronets, collars, and ermine, treat


s: --I say, could I borrow these Gentlemen's Muses,


s: More skill'd than my meek one in "fibbings" and "bruises,"


s: And "regular turn-up," as ever you knew;


s: Not inferior in "bottom" to aught you have read of


s: Since Cribb, years ago, half knock'd Molyneux's head off.


s: But my dainty Urania says, "Such things are shocking!"


s: And turning, with air most disdainfully mocking,


s: From Melpomene's buskin, adopts the silk stocking.


s: The thumps, and the bumps, and the ups and the downs,


s: And the taps, and the slaps, and the raps on the crowns,


s: That pass'd 'twist the Husband, Wife, Bagman, and Dog,


s: As Blogg roll'd over them, and they roll'd over Blogg;


s: The Dog his old master most gallantly back'd;


s: Making both the gargcos, who came running in, sheer off,


s: With "Hippolyte's" thumb, and "Alphonse's" left ear off;


s: The floor, rent in tatters the old woman's jupon;


s: Then the old man turn'd up, and a fresh bite of Sancho's


s: Tore out the whole seat of his striped Calimancoes.--


s: Might have ended at last, I'm not able to say,


s: The dog keeping thus the assassins at bay:


s: But a few fresh arrivals decided the day;


s: Of the passengers, sailors, and one or two more


s: Who had aided the party in gaining the shore!


s: It's a great many years ago--mine then were few--


s: Since I spent a short time in the old Courageux;


s: A First-rate,--but was then what they term a Rasee,--


s: And they took me on board in the Downs, where she lay


s: (Captain Wilkinson held the command, by the way.)


s: In her I pick'd up, on that single occasion,


s: The little I know that concerns Navigation,


s: And obtained, inter alia, some vague information


s: Of a practice which often, in cases of robbing,


s: Is adopted on shipboard--I think it's call'd "Cobbing."


s: How it's managed exactly I really can't say,


s: Of which Sancho's exploit would increase the facility.


s: And, from all I can learn, I'd much rather be robb'd


s: Of the little I have in my purse, than be "cobb'd;"--


s: I mean the old scoundrel whose actions we've traced--


s: In such a position, that, on his unmasking,


s: His consent was the last thing the men thought of asking.


s: With her boys, the rough discipline used by the crew,


s: Who, before they let one of the set see the back of them,


s: "Cobb'd" the whole party,--ay, "every man Jack of them."


s: And now, Gentle Reader, before that I say


s: Farewell for the present, and wish you good-day.


s: Attend to the moral I draw from my lay!--


s: Be wary of strangers!--don't take too much grog!--


s: And don't fall asleep, if you should, like a hog!--


s: Above all--carry with you a curly-tail'd Dog!


s: Lastly, don't act like Blogg, who, I say it with blushing,


s: Sold Sancho next month for two guineas at Flushing;


s: But still on these words of the Bard keep a fix'd eye,


s: I felt so disgusted with Blogg, from sheer shame of him,


s: I never once thought to inquire what became of him;


s: If YOU want to know, Reader, the way. I opine,


s: Is,--(a penny will do't)--by addressing a line


s: When folks with headstrong passion blind,


s: And,--what was more her fate than blame,--


s: With thoughts like these her mind is cross'd:


s: The dame, they say, who doubts, is lost.


s: And need some help to keep things square.


s: What do you think?" When thus he met her


s: "Oh, take him, dear, you can't do better!"


s: "Well, well, my dear, don't have him then!"


s: "But help I must have, there's the curse.


s: Go straight, and what they tell you mark.


s: Have rung the poor dame's parting knell.


s: Your wish, not they, inspired the thought,


s: "Don't have that knave, that knave Guillot!"


s: "Too true," she cried, "there's not a doubt:


s: I've three per cents and five per cents;


s: "Your grace knows best," the lawyer said,


s: Such was old Brentford's honest testament;


s: And lies in Brentford church in peaceful rest.


s: Prince Edward lived, and money made and spent;


s: But his good sire was wrong, it is confessed,


s: To say his young son Thomas, never lent.


s: And nobly took his twenty-five per cent.


s: Long time the famous reign of Ned endured,


s: O'er Chiswick, Fulham, Brentford, Putney, Kew;


s: And when both died, as mortal men will do,


s: 'T was commonly reported that the steward


s: With twenty pounds but three weeks since


s: "La note," at times the guests will say,


s: The church-door beggar whines and prays,


s: Vengeance!" shrieked I, "vengeance! vengeance!"


s: Old Nick, who taught the village school,


s: "Less freedom, ma'am!"--Jane sighed and said


s: 'Tis they maintain the Church and State,


s: Take all their doctrines off their hands,


s: And pay for all their ropes and ladders;


s: So the young squire, when first he comes


s: He acts and talks, as they befriend him,


s: Smear'd with the colors which they lend him,


s: With folks who have more wealth than wit


s: Five deep he toasts the towering lasses;


s: SLY Merry Andrew, the last Southwark fair


s: At Southwark, therefore, as his tricks he show'd,


s: To please our masters, and his friends the crowd;


s: A huge neat's tongue he in his right hand held:


s: His left was with a huge black pudding fill'd.


s: Why, how now, Andrew! cries his brother droll,


s: To-day's conceit, methinks, is something dull:


s: Come on, sir, to our worthy friends explain,


s: Quoth Andrew; Honest English let us speak:


s: Your emble--(what d' ye call 't) is heathen Greek.


s: To tongue or pudding thou hast no pretense:


s: Learning thy talent is, but mine is sense.


s: That busy fool I was, which thou art now;


s: Blaming or praising things, as I thought fit


s: And dealing honestly, was almost starv'd.


s: But, thanks to my indulgent stars, I eat;


s: Since I have found the secret to be great.


s: O, dearest Andrew, says the humble droll,


s: Provided thou impart thy useful skill.--


s: Bow then, says Andrew; and, for once, I will.--


s: Be of your patron's mind, whate'er he says;


s: Sleep very much: think little; and talk less;


s: Mind neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong,


s: But eat your pudding, slave; and hold your tongue.


s: A reverend prelate stopp'd his coach and six,


s: To laugh a little at our Andrew's tricks;


s: But when he heard him give this golden rule,


s: Drive on (he cried); this fellow is no fool.


s: They walk'd and eat, good folks: what then?


s: They seem'd just tallied for each other.


s: Their beer was strong; their wine was port;


s: Their meal was large; their grace was short.


s: For which they claim their Sunday's due,


s: That might decrease their present store:


s: When bells were rung, and bonfires made,


s: Nor wish'd, nor car'd, nor laugh'd, nor cried:


s: And scorns the ground, and upward springs


s: His morning draughts till noon can swill


s: Or, stuff'd with phlegm up to the throat


s: When beasts could speak (the learned say


s: (Which therefore made them more devout),


s: Should to the priest confess their sins;


s: Sometimes his friend he would not spare,


s: Then for his voice, there's none disputes


s: ('T was Nature's fault) without a beard.


s: Which he resolved to keep forever hence,


s: And strictly too, as doth his reverence.


s: Though neither foe nor friend allows us.


s: He fail'd, because he could not flatter:


s: Supports their minds with heavenly food:


s: 'T was known, though he had borne aspersion,


s: To serve the king, and please the nation.


s: To crowd the court with their relations:


s: His brothers fleece him when he's drunk,


s: But carries loads, and feeds on thistles.


s: Sheridan's, are replaced from the Irish edition. They hit the


s: *[Footnote: Most ladies, in reading, call this word a smile;


s: but they are to note, it consists of three syllables, sim-i-le.


s: When, bellowing*, they discharge their thunder:


s: *[Footnote: This word is not here to be understood of a bull,


s: but a cloud, which makes a noise like a bull, when it thunders.]


s: those of the present age, who are possessed of the like laudable


s: Being asked at another time, by a friend, how he could bear her


s: those in the honorable station of matrimony.]


s: Than lightning's flash, or thunder's roar.


s: The clouds about the welkin roam: [Footnote: Ramble.]


s: Again she's pleased, his fear's beguiled,


s: (I hope this simile will strike)[Footnote: Hit your fancy.]


s: Though in the darkest dumps* you view them,


s: *[Footnote: Sullen fits. We have a merry jig called Dumpty-Deary,


s: Stay but a moment, you'll see through them.


s: (For they, like ladies, have their bow;)


s: *[Footnote: Not grace before and after meat, nor their graces the


s: The clouds delight to change their fashion:


s: The clouds are fring'd with borrow'd gold;


s: Where words fall thick, and soft, and slow;


s: While brisk coquettes,* like rattling hail,


s: *[Footnote: Girls who love to hear themselves prate, and put on a


s: Shock's fate I mourn; poor Shock is now no more:


s: Ye Muses! mourn: ye Chambermaids! deplore.


s: Doom'd to survive thy joy and only care.


s: Thy wretched fingers now no more shall deck,


s: And tie the favorite ribbon round his neck;


s: No more thy hand shall smooth his glossy hair,


s: And comb the wavings of his pendent ear.


s: Yet cease thy flowing grief, forsaken maid!


s: Our surest hope is in an hour destroy'd,


s: And love, best gift of Heaven, not long enjoy'd.


s: Methinks I see her frantic with despair,


s: Her streaming eyes, wrung hands, and flowing hair


s: Her Mechlin pinners, rent, the floor bestrow,


s: And her torn fan gives real signs of woe.


s: Hence, Superstition! that tormenting guest,


s: That haunts with fancied fears the coward breast,


s: Stream eyes no more, no more thy tresses rend.


s: Though certain omens oft forewarn a state,


s: And dying lions show the monarch's fate,


s: Why should such fears bid Celia's sorrow rise?


s: Cease, Celia, cease; restrain thy flowing tears,


s: Some warmer passion will dispel thy cares.


s: In man you'll find a more substantial bliss,


s: More grateful toying, and a sweeter kiss.


s: He's dead. Oh! lay him gently in the ground!


s: And may his tomb be by this verse renown'd:


s: "Here Shock, the pride of all his kind, is laid,


s: Who fawn'd like man, but ne'er like man betray'd."


s: As every man would buy, with cash and sense.


s: A country bumpkin the great offer heard:


s: Poor Hodge, who suffered by a broad black beard,


s: That seemed a shoe-brush stuck beneath his nose;


s: With cheerfulness the eighteen-pence he paid,


s: And proudly to himself, in whispers, said,


s: "This rascal stole the razors, I suppose.


s: It certainly will be a monstrous prize."


s: So home the clown, with his good fortune, went,


s: And quickly soaped himself to ears and eyes.


s: Hodge now began with grinning pain to grub,


s: 'Twas a vile razor!--then the rest he tried--


s: "I wish my eighteen-pence within my purse."


s: In vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces,


s: He cut, and dug, and winced, and stamped, and swore,


s: Brought blood, and danced, blasphemed, and made wry faces,


s: And cursed each razor's body o'er and o'er:


s: Firm as a Foxite, would not lose its ruff:


s: So kept it--laughing at the steel and suds:


s: Hodge, in a passion, stretched his angry jaws,


s: Vowing the direst vengeance, with clenched claws,


s: Hodge sought the fellow--found him--and begun:


s: "P'rhaps, Master Razor rogue, to you 'tis fun,


s: That people flay themselves out of their lives:


s: You rascal! for an hour have I been grubbing,


s: Giving my crying whiskers here a scrubbing,


s: "Friend," quoth the razor-man, "I'm not a knave.


s: "Not think they'd SHAVE!" quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes,


s: And voice not much unlike an Indian yell;


s: "What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries:


s: "Made!" quoth the fellow, with a smile--"to SELL."


s: A great law Chief, whom God nor demon scares,


s: Compelled to kneel and pray, who swore his prayers,


s: The devil behind him pleased and grinning,


s: Patting the angry lawyer on the shoulder,


s: Like this, a subject would be reckoned rare,


s: Which proves what blood game infidels can dare;


s: Which nothing but an English tar would act.


s: In ships of war, on Sunday's, prayers are given,


s: For though so wicked, sailors think of heaven,


s: Where, if they find no brandy to get drunk,


s: Then vow they to th' Almighty to reform,


s: If in His goodness only once, once more,


s: He'll suffer them to clap a foot on shore.


s: They ne'er on weekdays pester heaven with prayers


s: For 'tis among the Jacks a common saying,


s: "Where there's no danger, there's no need of praying."


s: That prayers were handing out, had stolen away,


s: And, thinking praying but a useless task,


s: The boy was soon found missing, and full soon


s: The boatswain's cat, sagacious smelt him out,


s: "Come out, you skulking dog," the boatswain cried,


s: "And save your d---d young sinful soul."


s: And turned him like a badger from his hole


s: Sulky the boy marched on, and did not mind him,


s: Altho' the boatswain flogging kept behind him


s: "Flog," cried the boy, "flog--curse me, flog away--


s: There is a little moral thing in France,


s: Much are the English mob inclined to scout it,


s: But rarely is Monsieur Canaille without it.


s: To flatter, par example, keep smooth faces


s: When kicked, or suffering grievous want of coin.


s: To vulgars, bienseance may seem an oddity--


s: In place of something solid, it will stand


s: Give people for their services a guinea,


s: Which Frenchmen have rewarded with a bow.


s: Yet called by Quakers, children of inanity,


s: But as they pay their court to people's vanity,


s: Like rolling-pins they smooth where er they go


s: The souls and faces of mankind like dough!


s: With some, indeed, may bienseance prevail


s: At Paris some time since, a murdering man,


s: Sad, stumbling at the threshold of his plan,


s: The bungler was condemned to grace the wheel,


s: On which the dullest fibers learn to feel,


s: Amid ten thousand people, perhaps, or more;


s: Whenever Monsieur Ketch applied a stroke,


s: The culprit, like a bullock made a roar.


s: Stepped up to him and checked him for his cry--


s: "Bohl" quoth the German, "an't I 'pon de wheel?


s: D'ye tink my nerfs and bons can't feel?"


s: "Sir," quoth the beau, "don't, don't be in a passion;


s: I've naught to say about your situation;


s: But making such a hideous noise in France,


s: How pleasant 'tis the courtier clan to see!


s: How kicks the heart against the ribs, for joy!


s: But should the monarch turn from sweet to sour,


s: Which cometh oft to pass in half an hour,


s: How altered instantly the courtier clan!


s: How faint! how pale! how woe-begone, and wan!


s: Thus Corydon, betrothed to Delia's charms,


s: In maddening fancy, cheeks, eyes, lips devours;


s: Plays with the ringlets that all flaxen flow


s: In rich luxuriance o'er a breast of snow,


s: And on that breast the soul of rapture pours.


s: Night, too, entrances--slumber brings the dream--


s: Gives to his lips his idol's sweetest kiss;


s: Bids the wild heart, high panting, swell its stream,


s: Sad, chapfallen, lo! he hangs himself or drowns!


s: Oh, try with bliss his moments to beguile:


s: Strive not to make your sovereign frown--but smile:


s: Sublime are royal nods--most precious things!--


s: To have him lean familiar on one's shoulder,


s: A heart of very stone must grow quite glad.


s: Oh! would some king so far himself demean,


s: The excess of joy would nearly make me mad!


s: How on the honored garment I should dote,


s: And think a glory blazed around the coat!


s: Blessed, I should make this coat my coat of arms,


s: In fancy glittering with a thousand charms;


s: And show my children's children o'er and o'er;


s: "Here, babies," I should say, "with awe behold


s: This coat--worth fifty times its weight in gold:


s: This very, very coat your grandsire wore!


s: "Here"--pointing to the shoulder--I should say,


s: "Here majesty's own hand so sacred lay"--


s: Then p'rhaps repeat some speech the king might utter;


s: As--"Peter, how go sheep a score? what? what?


s: What's cheapest meat to make a bullock fat?


s: Hae? hae? what, what's the price of country butter?"


s: Then should I, strutting, give myself an air,


s: And deem myself adorned with immortality:


s: Then should I make the children, calf-like stare,


s: And yet, not stopping here, with cheerful note,


s: The muse should sing an ode upon the coat.


s: Knows naught of smile, and nod, and sweet hand-kissing,


s: Knows naught of golden promises of kings;


s: Knows naught of coronets, and stars, and strings;


s: We suffer not her wail to wound our ear:


s: For food we bid her hopeless children prowl,


s: This wants an eastern, that a western, wind:


s: A third, petition for a southern, utters.


s: Some pray for rain, and some for frost and snow:


s: How can Heaven suit ALL palates?--I don't know.


s: Was one dry summer begged to pray for rain.


s: The powers of prayer were soon displayed;


s: Immediately a TORRENT drenched the plain.


s: It chanced that the church warden, Robin Jay,


s: Had of his meadow not yet SAVED the hay:


s: Thus was his hay to HEALTH quite past restoring.


s: It happened too that Robin was from home;


s: He sought the parson, like a lion roaring.


s: "Zounds! Parson Lamb, why, what have you been doing!


s: A pretty storm, indeed, ye have been brewing!


s: What! pray for RAIN before I SAVED my hay!


s: Ask you to dine with me and Mistress Jay,


s: "YOU, parson, serve one such a scurvy trick!


s: Zounds! you must have the bowels of Old Nick.


s: What! bring the flood of Noah from the skies,


s: With MY fine field of hay before your eyes!


s: A numskull, that I wer'n't of this aware.--


s: Curse me but I had stopped your pretty prayer!"


s: "Dear Mister Jay!" quoth Lamb, "alas! alas!


s: I never thought upon your field of grass."


s: "Lord! parson, you're a fool, one might suppose--


s: Was not the field just underneath your NOSE?


s: "Sir," quoth the curate, "know that Harry Cobb


s: Your brother warden joined, to have the prayer,"--


s: "Cobb! Cobb! why this for Cobb was only SPORT:


s: What doth Cobb own that any rain can HURT?"


s: Roared furious Jay as broad as he could stare.


s: As that's the case, zounds! what are showers to HIM?


s: Not Noah's flood could make HIS trumpery SWIM.


s: "Besides--why could you not for drizzle pray?


s: Why force it down in BUCKETS on the hay?


s: Would _I_ have played with YOUR hay such a freak?


s: No! I'd have stopped the weather for a week."


s: Till you and all the parish are AGREED."


s: On kings behold it breakfast, dine, and sup--


s: Now shall she praise, and try to make it up.


s: Why will the simple world expect wise things


s: Adored and flattered, taught that they are gods,


s: Jove-like, to shake the pillars of creation!


s: They scorn that little useful imp called mind,


s: Who fits them for the circle of mankind!


s: Pride their companion, and the world their hate;


s: Immured, they doze in ignorance and state.


s: Sometimes, indeed, great kings will condescend


s: An instance take:--A king of this great land,


s: Did visit Salisbury's old church so fair:


s: An Earl of Pembroke was the Monarch's guide;


s: Incog. they traveled, shuffling side by side;


s: The verger met them in his blue silk gown,


s: And humbly bowed his neck with reverence down,


s: Looking the frightened verger through and through,


s: And with his eye-glass--"Well, sir, who are you?


s: What, what, sir?--hey, sir?" deigned the king to say.


s: "I am the verger here, most mighty king:


s: Sweep it, an't please ye, sir, and keep it clean."


s: "Hey? verger! verger!--you the verger?--hey?"


s: "Yes, please your glorious majesty, I BE,"


s: The verger answered, with the mildest mien.


s: Then turned the king about toward the peer,


s: And winked, and laughed, then whispered in his ear,


s: "Hey, hey--what, what--fine fellow, 'pon my word:


s: I'll knight him, knight him, knight him--hey, my lord?"


s: Then with his glass, as hard as eye could strain,


s: He kenned the trembling verger o'er again.


s: "He's a poor verger, sire," his lordship cried:


s: "Sixpence would handsomely requite him."


s: "Poor verger, verger, hey?" the king replied:


s: "No, no, then, we won't knight him--no, won't knight him."


s: Now to the lofty roof the king did raise


s: His glass, and skipped it o'er with sounds of praise!


s: For thus his marveling majesty did speak:


s: "Fine roof this, Master Verger, quite complete;


s: High--high and lofty too, and clean, and neat:


s: What, verger, what? MOP, MOP it once a week?"


s: "An't please your majesty," with marveling chops,


s: The verger answered, "we have got no mops


s: "Not mop, no, no, not mop it," quoth the king--


s: "No, sir, our Salisbury mops do no such thing;


s: They might as well pretend to scrub the sky."


s: That ignorance, a king too often lurches;


s: For, hid from art, Lord! how should monarchs know


s: The natural history of mops and churches?


s: From Salisbury church to Wilton House, so grand,


s: "My lord, you've got fine statues," said the king.


s: "A few! beneath your royal notice, sir,"


s: Replied Lord Pembroke--"Sir, my lord, stir, stir;


s: Let's see them all, all, all, all, every thing,


s: "Who's this? who's this?--who's this fine fellow here?


s: "Sesostris," bowing low, replied the peer.


s: "Sir Sostris, hey?--Sir Sostris?--'pon my word!


s: One of my making?--what, my lord, my making?"


s: "SE-sostris, sire," so soft, the peer replied--


s: "Oh, poh!" th' instructed monarch snappish cried,


s: "I need not that--I need not that be told."


s: "Pray, pray, my lord, who's that big fellow there?"


s: "'Tis Hercules," replies the shrinking peer;


s: "Strong fellow, hey, my lord? strong fellow, hey?


s: Cleaned stables!--cracked a lion like a flea;


s: Killed snakes, great snakes, that in a cradle found him--


s: The queen, queen's coming! wrap an apron around him."


s: It shows with kings that ignorance may dwell:


s: It shows that subjects must not give opinions


s: It shows that decency may live with kings,


s: On whom the bold virtu-men turn their backs;


s: And shows (for numerous are the naked things)


s: That saucy statues should be lodged in sacks.


s: The devil is not so black as he is painted.


s: Thou triest to starve the tuneful train,


s: What have they done?--those heavenly strains,


s: Like lightning dost thou fly, when called,


s: By men through rouguish tricks in trade,


s: Should Heaven their prayers so ardent grant,


s: With desperate prayers thy head to maul,


s: With sins of all sorts, coarse and fine,


s: The dice-box break, and burn each card--


s: The rich, the proud, the potent King of Spain,


s: Whose ancestors sent forth their troops to smite


s: The peaceful natives of the western main,


s: For hunting, roasting heretics, and boiling,


s: Baking and barbecuing, frying, broiling,


s: Was thought Heaven's cause amazingly to further;


s: For which most pious reason, hard to work,


s: They went, with gun and dagger, knife and fork,


s: To charm the God of mercy with their murther!


s: I say, this King, in seventy-eight surveyed,


s: A horse with stirrups, crupper, bridle, saddle:


s: Within the stirrup, lo, the monarch tried


s: In vain!--he could not o'er the palfry straddle!


s: Stiff as a Turk, the beast of yarn remained,


s: Who, 'midst his labors, to the ground was tumbled,


s: And greatly mortified, as well as humbled.


s: At which the poor-chafed monarch now 'gan grin,


s: And swore by every saint and holy martyr


s: When bold he pierced the lines, immortal fray!


s: Attacks a sister of the smuggling trade,


s: Whose winks, and nods, and sweet resistless smile,


s: And to her bed of healthy straw persuade;


s: Where mice with music charm, and vermin crawl,


s: And snails with silver traces deck the wall.


s: And now he kicked, and sore the palfry bruised;


s: Yet, lo, the horse seemed patient at each kick,


s: Arid bore with Christian spirit whip and stick;


s: And what excessively provoked this prince,


s: The horse so stubborn scorned even once to wince.


s: Now rushed the monarch for a bow and arrow


s: And, lo, with shafts well steeled, with all his force,


s: Just like a pincushion, he stuck the horse!


s: Now with the fury of the chafed wild boar,


s: With nails and teeth the wounded horse he tore,


s: Now to the floor he brought the stubborn beast;


s: Now o'er the vanquish'd horse that dared rebel,


s: Most Indian-like the monarch gave a yell,


s: Pleased on the quadruped his eyes to feast;


s: Blessed as Achilles when with fatal wound


s: He brought the mighty Hector to the ground.


s: He vengeful flung the palfry in the fire!


s: Showing his pages round, poor trembling things,


s: How dangerous to resist the will of kings.


s: Though dropped her jaw, her lip though pale,


s: Could grief my Grizzle's life restore!--


s: When next you come, pray bring your bill


s: Her limbs, with gentlest fingers, spare,


s: To parry from his soul the wrath Divine,


s: That followed mother Eve's unlucky apple,


s: At first the Soldier at a distance kept,


s: Begging her vote and interest in heaven--


s: With seeming bitterness the sinner wept,


s: Wrung his two hands, and hoped to be forgiven:


s: Dinned her two ears with Ave-Mary flummery!


s: Declared what miracles the dame could do,


s: Even with her garter, stocking, or her shoe,


s: What answer Mary gave the wheedling sinner,


s: Who nearly and more nearly moved to win her,


s: And therefore I can't tell but by invention,


s: One day, as he was making love and praying,


s: And pious Aves, thick as herring, saying,


s: And twitched a pretty diamond from her ear,


s: Instead of taking the good lady's blessing.


s: Nor once turned back to give her thanks:


s: Of that same long-armed giant, christened Law.


s: They asked if aught he had in vindication,


s: To save his wretched body from the flames,


s: And sinful soul from terrible damnation.


s: The Soldier answered them with much sang froid,


s: Which showed, of sin, a conscience void,


s: That if they meant to kill him they might kill:


s: As for the diamond which they found about him,


s: He hoped they would by no means doubt him,


s: That madam gave it him from pure good-will.


s: The answer turned both judge and jury pale;


s: Until his Holiness should hear the tale,


s: The Pope, to all his counselors, made known


s: This strange affair--to cardinals and friars,


s: Good pious gentlemen, who ne'er were known


s: To act like hypocrites, and thieves, and liars.


s: This was the stumbling-block that stopped the way--


s: This made Pope, cardinals, and friars lower.


s: And keep secure the diamonds that were left;


s: They said, she MIGHT, indeed, the gem bestow,


s: But then they passed immediately an act,


s: Of taking presents from the Virgin's hand,


s: Should know no mercy, but be led to slaughter,


s: Flayed here, and fried eternally hereafter.


s: Which bids you not let men approach too near,


s: But keep the saucy fellows at a distance;


s: Since men you find, so bold, are apt to seize


s: Whose whiteness did the snow's pure whiteness shame,


s: Thrice happy rogue, upon the town of doves,


s: "Now, sire, pray take it out"--quoth she,


s: No, marveling reader, but the chimney tongs,


s: What a chaste thought in this good king!


s: When shall we hear agen of such a thing?


s: The youths would search the bosom through,


s: An island lies, whose name I do not know;


s: You understand that there they had no hens;


s: After a while, carried some poultry there.


s: Fast they increased as any one could wish;


s: Until fresh eggs became the common dish.


s: But all the natives ate them boiled--they say--


s: Because the stranger taught no other way.


s: At last the experiment by one was tried--


s: Sagacious man!--of having his eggs fried.


s: And, O! what boundless honors, for his pains,


s: Another, now, to have them baked devised--


s: Most happy thought I--and still another, spiced.


s: Next, some one gave his friends an omelette.


s: "Ah!" all exclaimed, "what an ingenious feat!"


s: But scarce a year went by, an artiste shouts,


s: "I have it now--ye're all a pack of louts!--


s: With nice tomatoes all my eggs are stewed."


s: And the whole island thought the mode so good,


s: That they would so have cooked them to this day,


s: But that a stranger, wandering out that way,


s: And showed them eggs cooked a la Huguenot.


s: Successive cooks thus proved their skill diverse,


s: That luxury, from time to time, invents?


s: Soft, hard, and dropped; and now with sugar sweet,


s: And now boiled up with milk, the eggs they eat:


s: In sherbet, in preserves; at last they tickle


s: Their palates fanciful with eggs in pickle,


s: All had their day--the last was still the best


s: But a grave senior thus, one day, addressed


s: The epicures: "Boast, ninnies, if you will,


s: These countless prodigies of gastric skill--


s: But blessings on the man WHO BROUGHT THE HENS!"


s: New-fangled modes of cooking eggs to show.


s: The stupid mob. From me the worst it gets,


s: And never fails to praise," With vile pretense,


s: The scurrilous author thus his trash excused.


s: A poet shrewd, hearing the lame defense,


s: Indignant, thus exposed the argument abused.


s: While doling out to him his lock of straw,


s: "Here, take it--since such diet suits your taste,


s: And much good may it do your vulgar maw!"


s: Often the slighting speech the man repeated.


s: The Ass--his quiet mood by insult heated--


s: Replies: "Just what you choose to give, I take,


s: Master unjust! but not because I choose it.


s: Think you I nothing like but straw? Then make


s: The experiment. Bring corn, and see if I refuse it."


s: Ye caterers for the public, hence take heed


s: How your defaults by false excuse you cover!


s: Fed upon straw--straw it may eat, indeed;


s: Try it with generous fare--'t will scorn the other.


s: Reviled and loved, renounced and followed,


s: Thus, bit by bit, the world is swallowed;


s: Each thinks his neighbor makes too free,


s: With, sophistry their sauce they sweeten,


s: Till quite from tail to snout 'tis eaten.


s: Between Nose and Eyes a strange contest arose,


s: The spectacles set them unhappily wrong;


s: The point in dispute was, as all the world knows,


s: To which the said spectacles ought to belong.


s: So Tongue was the lawyer, and argued the cause


s: With a great deal of skill, and a wig full of learning;


s: While chief baron Ear sat to balance the laws,


s: So famed for his talent in nicely discerning.


s: In behalf of the Nose it will quickly appear,


s: And your lordship, he said, will undoubtedly find,


s: That the Nose has had spectacles always to wear,


s: Which amounts to possession time out of mind.


s: Then holding the spectacles up to the court--


s: Your lordship observes they are made with a straddle


s: As wide as the ridge of the Nose is; in short,


s: Designed to sit close to it, just like a saddle.


s: Again, would your lordship a moment suppose


s: ('Tis a case that has happened, and may be again)


s: That the visage or countenance had not a nose,


s: Pray who would, or who could, wear spectacles then?


s: On the whole it appears, and my argument shows,


s: With a reasoning the court will never condemn,


s: That the spectacles plainly were made for the Nose,


s: And the Nose was as plainly intended for them.


s: Then shifting his side (as a lawyer knows how),


s: But what were his arguments few people know,


s: For the court did not think they were equally wise.


s: So his lordship decreed with a grave solemn tone,


s: Decisive and clear, without one IF or BUT--


s: That, whenever the Nose put his spectacles on,


s: By daylight or candlelight--Eyes should be shut!


s: When drinkers drink, and swearers swear,


s: Lest he owre high and proud should turn,


s: He drinks, and swears, and plays at cartes,


s: Frae Gr-d's ain priests the people's hearts


s: Thy strong right hand, L--d, mak' it bare


s: To think how we stood groanin', shakin',


s: While Auld wi' hinging lip gaed snakin',


s: "O Prince! O Chief of many throned Pow'rs,


s: That led th' embattled Seraphim to war!"--


s: An,' faith! thou's neither lag nor lame,


s: Whyles on the strong-wing'd tempest flyin'


s: To say her prayers, douce, honest woman!


s: Or, rustlin, thro' the boortries comin',


s: The stars shot down wi' sklentin' light,


s: When wi' an eldritch, stoor quaick--quack--


s: Thence countra wives, wi' toil an' pain,


s: On young guidmen, fond, keen, an' crouse;


s: And lows'd his ill-tongu'd, wicked scawl,


s: An' now, auld Cloots, I ken ye're thinkin',


s: Some luckless hour will send him linkin'


s: But, faith! he 'll turn a corner jinkin',


s: To look at his snug little farm of the World,


s: And backward and forward he swish'd his tail


s: His coat was red and hia breeches were blue,


s: And there was a hole where his tail came through.


s: Such a flourishing, fine, clever woman was she,


s: I should take her for my Aunt, thought he,


s: Whose face with his own when he came to compare


s: And the character, too, as it seem'd to a hair--


s: Such a twin-likeness there was in the pair


s: For he thought there was surely a looking-glass there,


s: He pass'd a cottage with a double coach-house,


s: Well enough, in sooth, he liked that truth.


s: And here it proved, as has often been said


s: With his own red blood, the Devil cried,


s: He entered a thriving bookseller's shop;


s: As he passed through Cold-Bath Fields he look'd


s: And he was well-pleased, for it gave him a hint


s: He saw the same turnkey unfettering a man


s: And he chuckled to think of his dear slave-trade,


s: And the long debates and delays that were made,


s: And forgetting himself for joy at her sight,


s: But she tipt him the wink, drew back, and cried,


s: A fine man and a famous Professor was he,


s: With throbs and throes, and ah's and oh's.


s: And thundering with his voice, the while


s: He call'd her aside, and began to chide,


s: And great pardons to sell      For those who pay well,


s: Nay, Father, I boast, that this is my post,


s: Whatever lets down this church that we hate,


s: Many irons, my sire, have we in the fire,


s: Fine progress they make in our liberal opinions,


s: Well pleased wilt thou be at no very far day


s: That they may unite and fall on the prey,


s: How the nice boys all will give mouth at the call,


s: My Macs and my Quacks and my lawless-Jacks,


s: My Shiels and O'Connells, my pious Mac-Donnells,


s: My joke-smith Sydney, and all of his kidney,


s: Great news! bloody news! cried a newsman;


s: Great news? bloody news? thought the Devil,


s: Lying varlet, thought he, thus to take in old Nick!


s: To know thou art paid beforehand for the trick,


s: That what he had seen and what he had said


s: And the other when he heard it at breakfast,


s: He hath scoff'd at my hoofs and my horns,


s: Having ordered some soles for his dinner,


s: Why no bait should be better than place,


s: But the soles in the bill were ten shillings;


s: If he charges at this rate for all things,


s: And with wit moreover being happily bitten,


s: The erudite bibber was he who had written


s: I have put many ill thoughts in his mouth,


s: And if seeking an illicit connection with fame,


s: Where the silly rogue shall be caught by the leg,


s: So thought he I'll step into a gaming-house,


s: But just before he could get to the door


s: He came upon General ----'s burning face;


s: And it struck him with such consternation,


s: That home in a hurry his way did he take,


s: And knock'd whole scores of watchmen down.


s: While naught could they whose heads were broke


s: Meanwhile, the Friar, whose head was turn'd


s: Dealt much in pompous oaths and curses--


s: (As courts must wrangle to decide well),


s: But NOT to crack poor people's heads, too.


s: Nay--look not thus, with brow reproving:


s: The world would be in strange confusion!


s: We've swearing kiss'd, and kissing sworn.


s: Long as you're false and he believes you,


s: Millennium at hand!--I'm delighted to hear it--


s: As matters both public and private now go,


s: With multitudes round us, all starving or near it,


s: A good rich millennium will come A PROPOS.


s: Only think, Master Fred, what delight to behold,


s: Instead of thy bankrupt old City of Rags,


s: A bran-new Jerusalem, built all of gold,


s: Sound bullion throughout, from the roof to the flags--


s: A city where wine and cheap corn shall abound--


s: A celestial Cocaigne, on whose butterfly shelves


s: We may swear the best things of this world will be found,


s: As your saints seldom fail to take care of themselves!


s: Thanks, reverend expounder of raptures elysian,


s: Divine Squintifobus, who, placed within reach


s: Of two opposite worlds by a twist of your vision


s: Can cast, at the same time, a sly look at eaoh;--


s: Thanks, thanks for the hopes thou hast given us, that we


s: Which so long has been promised by prophets like thee,


s: And so often has fail'd, we began to despair.


s: There was Whiston, who learnedly took Prince Eugene


s: For the man who must bring the Millennium about;


s: There's Faber, whose pious predictions have been


s: All belied, ere his book's first edition was out;--


s: There was Counsellor Dobbs, too, an Irish M.P.,


s: Who discoursed on the subject with signal eclat,


s: And, each day of his life, sat expecting to see


s: A Millennium break out in the town of Armagh!


s: There was also--but why should I burden my lay


s: With your Brotherses, Southcotes, and names less deserving


s: When all past Millenniums henceforth must give way


s: To the last new Millennium of Orator Irv-ng,


s: Go on, mighty man--doom them all to the shelf--


s: And, when next thou with prophecy tronblest thy sconce,


s: Oh, forget not, I pray thee, to prove that thyself


s: Art the Beast (chapter 4) that sees nine ways at once!


s: In Thibet once there reign'd, we're told,


s: Raised to the throne, that realm to bless,


s: Some say his FIRST tooth, some his SECOND,


s: And would have given their heads, if wanted,


s: Were ready with their aids and succors--


s: And the land groan'd with bibs and tuckers.


s: Tweak'd the Lord Chancellor by the nose,


s: And grew so mischievous (God bless him!)


s: That his chief Nurse--though with the aid


s: When in these moods, to comb or dress him;


s: For Kings, through thick and thin, to stickle,


s: Thought him (if they'd but speak their mind


s: To which things went, combined their strength,


s: The hereditary pap-spoon o'er 'em--That, as for treason, 't was a


s: That made them almost sick to think of--


s: Throughout his measles and his chin-cough,


s: (And chiefly those in leading-strings)--


s: But that, of late, such pranks and tricks,


s: The alarm thus given, by these and other


s: Spread through the land, till, such a pother


s: Did, then and there, his whipping get,And (as the Nursery Gazette


s: Have all behaved themselves MUCH better.


s: Without some cursed, round English face,


s: 'Mid northern lakes, 'mid southern vines,


s: As--"Baddish news from 'Change, my dear--


s: The Funds--(phew, curse this ugly hill!)


s: Are lowering fast--(what! higher still?)--


s: And--(zooks, we're mounting up to Heaven!)--


s: And scarce a pin's head difference WHICH--


s: WILL leave their puddings and coal fires,


s: E'er pass'd so many secrets through it--


s: With foreign names one's ear to buzz in--


s: When GEORGE, alarm'd for England's creed,


s: He sent such hints through Viscount THIS,


s: Kean learn'd from Ned his cleverest parts,


s: And Scott's last work by him was hinted.


s: And, here and there, infused some soul in 't--


s: What a time since I wrote!--I'm a sad naughty girl--


s: Though, like a tee-totum, I'm all in a twirl,


s: Yet even (as you wittily say) a tee-totum


s: Between all its twirls gives a LETTER to note 'em.


s: But, Lord, such a place! and then, Dolly, my dresses,


s: My gowns, so divine!--there's no language expresses,


s: Except just the TWO words "superbe," "magmfique,"


s: The trimmings of that which I had home last week!


s: It is call'd--I forget--a la--something which sounded


s: Like alicampane--but, in truth, I'm confounded


s: And bother'd, my dear, 'twixt that troublesome boy's


s: (Bob's) cookery language, and Madame Le Roi's:


s: What with fillets of roses, and fillets of veal,


s: Things garni with lace, and things garni with eel,


s: One's hair, and one's cutlets both en papillote,


s: And a thousand more things I shall ne'er have by rote,


s: I can scarce tell the difference, at least as to phrase,


s: Between beef a la Psyche and curls a la braise.--


s: But, in short, dear, I'm trick'd out quite a la Francaise,


s: With my bonnet--so beautiful!--high up and poking,


s: Like things that are put to keep chimneys from smoking.


s: Where SHALL I begin with the endless delights


s: Of this Eden of milliners, monkeys, and sights--


s: This dear busy place, where there's nothing transacting,


s: But dressing and dinnering, dancing and acting?


s: Brother Bobby's remark t'other night was a true one


s: "This MUST be the music," said he, "of the SPEARS,


s: For I'm curst if each note of it doesn't run through one!"


s: Pa says (and you know, love, his book's to make out),


s: 'T was the Jacobins brought every mischief about;


s: That this passion for roaring has come in of late,


s: Since the rabble all tried for a VOICE in the State.


s: What a frightful idea, one's mind to o'erwhelm!


s: What a chorus, dear Dolly, would soon be let loose of it!


s: Had a voice like old Lais, and chose to make use of it!


s: No--never was known in this riotous sphere


s: Such a breach of the peace as their singing, my dear;


s: So bad, too, you'd swear that the god of both arts,


s: For setting a loud fit of asthma in parts,


s: And composing a fine rumbling base to a cholic!


s: But, the dancing--ah parlez moi, Dolly, des ca--


s: There, indeed, is a treat that charms all but Papa.


s: Such beauty--such grace--oh ye sylphs of romance!


s: One light-footed nymph in her train, that can dance


s: Like divine Bigottini and sweet Fanny Bias!


s: Fanny Bias in Flora--dear creature!--you'd swear,


s: When her delicate feet in the dance twinkle round,


s: That her steps are of light, that her home is the air,


s: And she only par complaisance touches the ground.


s: Her black flowing hair, and by demons is driven,


s: Oh! who does not envy those rude little devils,


s: That hold her, and hug her, and keep her from heaven?


s: Then, the music--so softly its cadences die,


s: So divinely--oh, Dolly! between you and I,


s: It's as well for my peace that there's nobody nigh


s: To make love to me then--YOU'VE a soul, and can judge


s: What a crisis 't would be for your friend Biddy Fudge!


s: The next place (which Bobby has near lost his heart in),


s: They call it the Play-house--I think--of Saint Martin:


s: Quite charming--and VERY religious--what folly


s: To say that the French are not pious, dear Dolly,


s: When here one beholds, so correctly and rightly,


s: The Testament turn'd into melo-drames nightly


s: And, doubtless, so fond they're of scriptural facts,


s: They will soon get the Pentateuch up in five acts.


s: Here Daniel, in pantomime, bids bold defiance


s: To Nebuchadnezzar and all his stuff'd lions,


s: While pretty young Israelites dance round the Prophet,


s: In very thin clothing, and BUT little of it;--


s: Here Begrand, who shines in this scriptural path,


s: As the lovely Susanna, without even a relic


s: Of drapery round her, comes out of the Bath


s: In a manner, that, Bob says, is quite EVE-ANGELIC!


s: But, in short, dear, 't would take me a month to recite


s: All the exquisite places we're at, day and night;


s: And, besides, ere I finish, I think you'll be glad


s: Just to hear one delightful adventure I've had.


s: Last night, at the Beaujon, a place where--I doubt


s: If I well can describe--there are cars that set out


s: From a lighted pavilion, high up in the air,


s: And rattle you down, Doll--you hardly know where.


s: These vehicles, mind me, in which you go through


s: This delightfully dangerous journey, hold TWO.


s: Some cavalier asks, with humility, whether


s: You'll venture down with him--you smile--'tis a match;


s: In an instant you're seated, and down both together


s: Go thundering, as if you went post to old Scratch;


s: Well, it was but last night, as I stood and remark'd


s: On the looks and odd ways of the girls who embark'd,


s: The impatience of some for the perilous flight,


s: The forc'd giggle of others, 'twixt pleasure and fright,


s: That there came up--imagine, dear Doll, if you can--


s: A fine sallow, sublime, sort of Werter-fac'd man,


s: With mustaches that gave (what we read of so oft),


s: The dear Corsair expression, half savage, half soft


s: As Hyienas in love may be fancied to look, or


s: A something between Abelard and old Bincher!


s: Up he came, Doll, to me, and uncovering his head


s: (Rather bald, but so warlike!) in bad English said,


s: "Ah! my dear--if Ma'maelle vil be so very good--


s: Just for von little course"--though I scarce understood


s: What he wish'd me to do, I said, thank him, I would.


s: Off we set--and, though 'faith, dear, I hardly knew whether


s: My head or my heels were the uppermost then,


s: For 't was like heaven and earth, Dolly, coming together--


s: Yet, spite of the danger, we dared it again.


s: And oh! as I gazed on the features and air


s: Of the man, who for me all this peril defied,


s: I could fancy almost he and I were a pair


s: Of unhappy young lovers, who thus, side by side,


s: Were taking, instead of rope, pistol, or dagger, a


s: Desperate dash down the falls of Niagara!


s: This achiev'd, through the gardens we saunter'd about,


s: Saw the fire-works, exclaim'd "magnifique!" at each cracker


s: And, when 't was all o'er, the dear man saw us out


s: With the air, I WILL say, of a prince, to our fiacre.


s: Now, hear me--this stranger--it may be mere folly--


s: But WHO do you think we all think it is, Dolly?


s: Why, bless you, no less than the great King of Prussia,


s: Who's here now incog.--he, who made such a fuss, you


s: Remember, in London, with Blucher and Platoff,


s: When Sal was near kissing old Blucher's cravat off!


s: Pa says he's come here to look after his money


s: (Not taking things now as he used under Boney),


s: Which suits with our friend, for Bob saw him, he swore,


s: Looking sharp to the silver received at the door.


s: Besides, too, they say that his grief for his Queen


s: (Which was plain in this sweet fellow's face to be seen)


s: Requires such a stimulant dose as this car is,


s: Used three times a day with young ladies in Paris.


s: Some Doctor, indeed, has declared that such grief


s: Should--unless 't would to utter despairing its folly push--


s: Fly to the Beaujon, and there seek relief


s: By rattling, as Bob says, "like shot through a holly-bush."


s: I must now bid adieu--only think, Dolly, think


s: If this SHOULD be the King--I have scarce slept a wink


s: With imagining how it will sound in the papers,


s: And how all the Misses my good luck will grudge,


s: When they read that Count Buppin, to drive away vapors,


s: Has gone down the Beaujon with Miss Biddy Fudge.


s: Nota Bene.--Papa's almost certain 'tis he--


s: For he knows the L*git**ate cut, and could see,


s: In the way he went poising, and managed to tower


s: So erect in the car, the true Balance of Power.


s: Well, it ISN'T the King, after all, my dear creature!


s: But DON'T you go laugh, now--there's nothing to quiz in 't--


s: For grandeur of air and for grimness of feature,


s: He MIGHT be a King, Doll, though, hang him, he isn't.


s: At first I felt hurt, for I wish'd it, I own,


s: If for no other cause than to vex MISS MALONE--


s: (The great heiress, you know, of Shandangan, who's here,


s: Showing off with SUCH airs and a real Cashmere,


s: While mine's but a paltry old rabbit-skin, dear!)


s: But says Pa, after deeply considering the thing,


s: "I am just as well pleased it should NOT be the King;


s: As I think for my BIDDY, so gentilie jolie,


s: Whose charms may their price in an HONEST way fetch,


s: That a Brandenburg--(what IS a Brandenburg, DOLLY?)--


s: Would be, after all, no such very great catch,


s: If the R--G--T, indeed--" added he, looking sly--


s: (You remember that comical squint of his eye)


s: But I stopp'd him--"La, Pa, how CAN you say so,


s: When the R--G--T loves none but old women, you know!"


s: Which is fact, my dear Dolly--we, girls of eighteen,


s: And so slim--Lord, he'd think us not fit to be seen;


s: And would like us much better as old--ay, as old


s: As that Countess of Desmond, of whom I've been told


s: That she lived to much more than a hundred and ten,


s: And was kill'd by a fall from a cherry-tree then!


s: What a frisky old girl! but--to come to my lover,


s: Who, though not a king, is a HERO I'll swear--


s: You shall hear all that's happen'd just briefly run over,


s: Since that happy night, when we whisk'd through the air!


s: Let me see--'t was on Saturday--yes, Dolly, yes--


s: From that evening I date the first dawn of my bliss;


s: When we both rattled off in that dear little carriage,


s: Whose journey, Bob says, is so like love and marriage,


s: "Beginning gay, desperate, clashing down-hilly;


s: And ending as dull as a six-inside Dilly!"


s: Well, scarcely a wink did I sleep the night through,


s: And, next day, having scribbled my letter to you,


s: With a heart full of hope this sweet fellow to meet,


s: Set out with Papa, to see Louis Dix-huit


s: Make his bow to some half-dozen women and boys,


s: Who get up a small concert of shrill Vive le Rois--


s: And how vastly genteeler, my clear, even this is,


s: Than vulgar Pall-Mall's oratorio of hisses!


s: The gardens seem'd full--so, of course, we walk'd o'er 'em,


s: 'Mong orange-trees, clipp'd into town-bred decorum,


s: And Daphnes, and vases, and many a statue


s: There staring, with not even a stitch on them, at you!


s: The ponds, too, we view'd--stood awhile on the brink


s: To contemplate the play of those pretty gold fishes--


s: "LIVE BULLION" says merciless Bob, "which I think,


s: Would, if COIN'D, with a little MINT sauce, be delicious!"


s: But WHAT, Dolly, what is the gay orange-grove,


s: Or gold fishes, to her that's in search of her love?


s: In vain did I wildly explore every chair


s: Where a thing LIKE a man was--no lover sat there!


s: At the whiskers, mustaches, and wigs that went past,


s: To obtain, if I could, but a glance at that curl,


s: But a glimpse of those whiskers, as sacred, my girl,


s: As the lock that, Pa says, is to Mussulmen given,


s: For the angel to hold by that "lugs them to heaven!"


s: Alas, there went by me full many a quiz,


s: And mustaches in plenty, but nothing like his!


s: Disappointed, I found myself sighing out "well-a-day,"


s: Thought of the words of T-H M-RE'S Irish melody,


s: Something about the "green spot of delight,"


s: (Which you know, Captain Macintosh sung to us one day)


s: Ah, Dolly! MY "spot" was that Saturday night,


s: And its verdure, how fleeting, had wither'd by Sunday!


s: We dined at a tavern--La, what do I say?


s: If Bob was to know!--a Restaurateur's, dear;


s: Where your PROPEREST ladies go dine every day,


s: And drink Burgundy out of large tumblers, like beer.


s: Fine Bob (for he's really grown SUPER-fine)


s: Condescended, for once, to make one of the party;


s: Of course, though but three, we had dinner for nine,


s: And, in spite of my grief, love, I own I ate hearty;


s: Indeed, Doll, I know not how 'tis, but in grief,


s: I have always found eating a wondrous relief;


s: And Bob, who's in love, said he felt the same QUITE--


s: "My sighs," said he "ceased with the first glass I drank you,


s: The LAMB made me tranquil, the PUFFS made me light,


s: And now that's all o'er--why, I'm--pretty well, thank you!"


s: To MY great annoyance, we sat rather late;


s: About singing and cookery--Bobby, of course,


s: Standing up for the latter Fine Art in full force;


s: And Pa saying, "God only knows which is worst,


s: The French singers or cooks, but I wish us well over it--


s: If MY head or my stomach will ever recover it!"


s: 'T was dark when we got to the Boulevards to stroll,


s: And in vain did I look 'mong the street Macaronis,


s: When sudden it struck me--last hope of my soul--


s: That some angel might take the dear man to Tortoni's!


s: We enter'd--and scarcely had Bob, with an air,


s: For a grappe a la jardiniere call'd to the waiters,


s: When, oh! Dolly, I saw him--my hero was there


s: (For I knew his white small-clothes and brown leather gaiters),


s: A group of fair statues from Greece smiling o'er him,


s: And lots of red currant-juice sparkling before him!


s: Oh Dolly, these heroes--what creatures they are!


s: In the boudoir the same as in fields full of slaughter;


s: As cool in the Beaujon's precipitous car


s: As when safe at Tortoni's, o'er iced currant-water!


s: He joined us--imagine, dear creature my ecstasy--


s: Join'd by the man I'd have broken ten necks to see!


s: Bob wish'd to treat him with punch a la glace,


s: But the sweet fellow swore that my beaute, my GRACE,


s: And my je-ne-sais-quoi (then his whiskers he twirl'd)


s: Were, to HIM, "on de top of all ponch in de vorld."--


s: How pretty!--though oft (as, of course, it must be)


s: But, in short, I felt happy as ever fond heart did:


s: And, happier still, when 't was fix'd, ere we parted,


s: That, if the next day should be PASTORAL weather,


s: We all would set off in French buggies, together,


s: To see Montmorency--that place which, you know,


s: Is so famous for cherries and Jean Jacques Rousseau.


s: His card then he gave us--the NAME, rather creased--


s: But 't was Calicot--something--a colonel, at least!


s: After which--sure there never was hero so civil--he


s: Saw us safe home to our door in Rue Rivoli,


s: Where his LAST words, as at parting, he threw


s: A soft look o'er his shoulders, were--"how do you do?"


s: But, Lord--there's Papa for the post---I'm so vex'd--


s: Montmorency must now, love, be kept for my next.


s: That dear Sunday night!--I was charmingly dress'd,


s: And--SO providential--was looking my best;


s: Such a sweet muslin gown, with a flounce--and my frills,


s: You've no notion how rich--(though Pa has by the bills)--


s: And you'd smile had you seen, when we sat rather near,


s: Colonel Calicot eyeing the cambric, my dear.


s: Then the flowers in my bonnet--but, la, it's in vain--


s: So, good by, my sweet Doll--I shall soon write again,


s: Nota bene--our love to all neighbors about--


s: Your papa in particular--how is his gout?


s: P. S.--I 've just open'd my letter to say,


s: In your next you must tell me (now DO, Dolly, pray


s: For I hate to ask Bob, he's so ready to quiz)


s: What sort of a thing, dear, a BRANDENBURG is.


s: At last, DOLLY--thanks to a potent emetic


s: Which BOBBY and Pa, with grimace sympathetic,


s: Have swallowed this morning to balance the bliss


s: Of an eel matelote, and a bisque d'ecrevisses--


s: I've a morning at home to myself, and sit down


s: To describe you our heavenly trip out of town.


s: How agog you must be for this letter, my dear!


s: Lady JANE in the novel less languish'd to hear


s: If that elegant cornet she met at LORD NEVILLE'S


s: Was actually dying with love or--blue devils.


s: But love, DOLLY, love is the theme _I_ pursue;


s: With, blue devils, thank heaven, I've nothing to do--


s: Except, indeed, dear Colonel CALICOT spies


s: Any imps of that color in CERTAIN blue eyes,


s: Which he stares at till _I_, DOLL, at HIS do the same;


s: Then he simpers--I blush--and would often exclaim,


s: If I knew but the French for it, "Lord, sir, for shame!"


s: Well, the morning was lovely--the trees in full dress


s: For the happy occasion--the sunshine EXPRESS--


s: Had we order'd it dear, of the best poet going,


s: It scarce could be furnish'd more golden and glowing.


s: Though late when we started, the scent of the air


s: Was like GATTIE'S rose-water, and bright here and there


s: On the grass an odd dew-drop was glittering yet,


s: Like my aunt's diamond pin on her green tabinet!


s: And the birds seemed to warble, as blest on the boughs,


s: As if EACH a plumed CALICOT had for her spouse,


s: And the grapes were all blushing and kissing in rows,


s: And--in short, need I tell you, wherever one goes


s: With the creature one loves, 'tis all couleur de rose;


s: And ah, I shall ne'er, lived I ever so long, see


s: A day such as that at divine Montmorency!


s: There was but ONE drawback---at first when we started,


s: The Colonel and I were inhumanly parted;


s: How cruel--young hearts of such moments to rob!


s: He went in Pa's buggy, and I went with BOB:


s: And, I own, I felt spitefully happy to know


s: That Papa and his comrade agreed but so-so,


s: For the Colonel, it seems, is a stickler of BONEY'S--


s: Served with him, of course--nay, I'm sure they were cronies;


s: So martial his features, dear DOLL, you can trace


s: Ulm, Austerlitz, Lodi, as plain in his face


s: As you do on that pillar of glory and brass


s: Which the poor Duc de B**RI must hate so to pass,


s: It appears, too, he made--as most foreigners do--


s: About English affairs an odd blunder or two.


s: For example--misled by the names. I dare say--


s: He confounded JACK CASTLES with Lord CASTLEREAGH,


s: And--such a mistake as no mortal hit ever on--


s: Fancied the PRESENT Lord CAMDEN the CLEVER one!


s: But politics ne'er were the sweet fellow's trade;


s: 'T was for war and the ladies my Colonel was made.


s: And, oh, had you heard, as together we walk'd


s: Through that beautiful forest, how sweetly he talk'd;


s: And how perfectly well he appear'd, DOLL, to know


s: All the life and adventures of JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU!--


s: "'T was there," said he--not that his WORDS I can state--


s: 'T was a gibberish that Cupid alone could translate;--


s: But "there," said he (pointing where, small and remote,


s: The dear Hermitage rose), "there his JULIE he wrote,


s: Upon paper gilt-edged, without blot or erasure,


s: Then sanded it over with silver and azure,


s: And--oh, what will genius and fancy not do?-


s: Tied the leaves up together with nomparsille blue!"


s: What a trait of Rousseau! what a crowd of emotions


s: From sand and blue ribbons are conjured up here!


s: Alas! that a man of such exquisite notions,


s: Should send his poor brats to the Foundling, my dear!


s: "'T was here, too, perhaps," Colonel CALICOT said--


s: As down the small garden he pensively led--


s: (Though once I could see his sublime forehead wrinkle


s: With rage not to find there the loved periwinkle)--


s: "'T was here he received from the fair D'EPINAY,


s: (Who call'd him so sweetly HER BEAR, every day),


s: That dear flannel petticoat, pull'd off to form


s: A waistcoat to keep the enthusiast warm!"


s: Such, DOLL, were the sweet recollections we ponder'd,


s: As, full of romance, through that valley we wander'd,


s: The flannel (one's train of ideas, how odd it is)


s: Cambric, and silk, and I ne'er shall forget,


s: For the sun way then hastening in pomp to its set,


s: And full on the Colonel's dark whiskers shone down,


s: When he ask'd ne, with eagerness--who made my gown?


s: The question confused me--for, DOLL, you must know,


s: And I OUGHT to have told my best friend long ago,


s: That, by Pa's strict command, I no longer employ


s: That enchanting couturiere, Madame LE ROI,


s: But am forc'd, dear, to have VICTORINE, who--deuce take her--


s: It seems is, at present, the king's mantua-maker--


s: I mean OF HIS PARTY--and, though much the smartest,


s: LE ROI is condemned as a rank B*n*pa*t*st.


s: Think, DOLL, how confounded I look'd--so well knowing


s: The Colonel's opinions--my cheeks were quite glowing;


s: I stammer'd out something--nay, even half named


s: The LEGITIMATE semptress, when, loud, he exclaimed,


s: "Yes, yes, by the stiching 'tis plain to be seen


s: It was made by that B*rb*n**t b--h, VIOTORINE!"


s: What a word for a hero, but heroes WILL err,


s: And I thought, dear, I'd tell you things JUST as they were,


s: Besides, though the word on good manners intrench,


s: I assure you, 'tis not HALF so shocking in French.


s: But this cloud, though embarrassing, soon pass'd away,


s: And the bliss altogether, the dreams of that day,


s: The thoughts that arise when such dear fellows woo us--


s: The NOTHINGS that then, love, are EVERYTHING to us--


s: That quick correspondence of glances and sighs,


s: Ah DOLL, though I KNOW you've a heart, 'tis in vain


s: To a heart so unpracticed these things to explain,


s: They can only be felt in their fullness divine


s: By her who has wander'd, at evening's decline,


s: Through a valley like that, with a Colonel like mine!


s: But here I must finish--for BOB, my dear DOLLY,


s: Whom physic, I find, always makes melancholy,


s: Is seized with a fancy for church-yard reflections;


s: And full of all yesterday's rich recollections,


s: Is just setting off for Montmartre--"for THERE is,"


s: Said he, looking solemn, "the tomb of the VERYS!


s: Long, long have I wisn'd, as a votary true,


s: O'er the grave of such talents to utter my moans;


s: And to-day, as my stomach is not in good cue


s: For the FLESH of the VERYS--I'll visit their BONES!"


s: He insists upon MY going with him--how teasing!


s: This letter, however, dear DOLLY, shall lie


s: Unseal'd in my drawer, that if any thing pleasing


s: Occurs while I'm out, I may tell you--Good-by.


s: Oh, DOLLY, dear DOLLY, I'm ruin'd forever--


s: I ne'er shall be happy again, DOLLY, never;


s: To think of the wretch!--what a victim was _I_!


s: 'Tis too much to endure--I shall die, I shall die!


s: My brain's in a fever--my pulses beat quick--


s: I shall die, or, at least, be exceedingly sick!


s: Oh what do you think? after all my romancing,


s: My visions of glory, my sighing, my glancing,


s: This Colonel--I scarce can commit it to paper--


s: This Colonel's no more than a vile linen-draper!!


s: 'Tis true as I live--I had coax'd brother BOB so


s: (You'll hardly make out what I'm writing, I sob so),


s: For some little gift on my birth-day--September


s: The thirtieth, dear, I'm eighteen, you remember--


s: That BOB to a shop kindly order'd the coach


s: (Ah, little thought I who the shopman would prove),


s: To bespeak me a few of those mouchoirs de poche,


s: Which, in happier hours, I have sighed for, my love--


s: (The most beautiful things--two Napoleons the price--


s: And one's name in the corner embroidered so nice!)


s: Well, with heart full of pleasure, I enter'd the shop,


s: But--ye gods, what a phantom!--I thought I should drop--


s: There he stood, my dear DOLLY--no room for a doubt--


s: There, behind the vile counter, these eyes saw him stand,


s: With a piece of French cambric before him roll'd out,


s: And that horrid yard-measure upraised in his hand!


s: Oh--Papa all along knew the secret, 'tis clear--


s: 'T was a SHOPMAN he meant by a "Brandenburg," dear!


s: The man, whom I fondly had fancied a King,


s: And when THAT too delightful illusion was past,


s: As a hero had worship'd--vile treacherous thing--


s: To turn out but a low linen-draper at last!


s: My head swam round--the wretch smil'd, I believe,


s: But his smiling, alas! could no longer deceive--


s: I fell back on BOB--my whole heart seem'd to wither,


s: And, pale as a ghost, I was carried back hither!


s: I only remember that BOB, as I caught him,


s: With cruel facetiousness said--"Curse the Kiddy,


s: A staunch Revolutionist always I've thought him,


s: But now I find out he's a COUNTER one, BIDDY!"


s: Only think, my dear creature, if this should be known


s: To that saucy satirical thing, MISS MALONE!


s: What a story 't will be at Shandangen forever!


s: What laughs and what quizzing she'll have with the men!


s: It will spread through the country--and never, oh never


s: Farewell--I shall do something desperate, I fear--


s: And ah! if my fate ever reaches your ear,


s: One tear of compassion my DOLL will not grudge


s: To her poor--broken-hearted--young friend,


s: Nota Bene,--I'm sure you will hear with delight,


s: That we're going, all three, to see BRUNET to-night


s: A laugh will revive me--and kind Mr. Cox


s: (Do you know him?) has got us the Governor's box.


s: What motley cares Corilla's mind perplex,


s: Whom maids and metaphors conspire to vex!


s: At once invoking, though for different views,


s: Her gods, her cook, her milliner and muse.


s: Bound her strewed room a frippery chaos lies,


s: Bills, books, caps, couplets, combs, a varied mass,


s: Oppress the toilet and obscure the glass;


s: There new-born plays foretaste the town's applause,


s: There dormant patterns pine for future gauze.


s: A scene she now projects, and now a dish;


s: Here Act the First, and here, Remove with Fish.


s: Now, while this eye in a fine frenzy rolls,


s: Black pins and daggers in one leaf she sticks,


s: And tears, and threads, and bowls, and thimbles mix.


s: When to matin, and vesper, and compline chime,


s: And, thy courts and "long-drawn aisles" among,


s: And delicate ladies, in bombazeen gowns,


s: Stiff, and staid, and solemn, and sad,--


s: --But one, methought, wink'd at the Gardener-lad!


s: Then came the Abbot, with miter and ring,


s: And pastoral staff, and all that sort of thing,


s: And a monk with a book, and a monk with a bell,


s: Swinging their censers, and making a smell.--


s: And see where the Choir-master walks in the rear


s: Now and then pinching a little boy's ear


s: When he chants the responses too late or too soon,


s: Or his Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La's not quite in tune.


s: Not a fix'd one as now--and of course never knew


s: And I welcom'd the vision with pure delight.


s: And there was an ugly hole in the wall--


s: For an oven too big,--for a cellar too small!


s: And I said, "Here's a Nun has been playing some tricks!--


s: 'I'm a grave that gapes for a living prey!'"


s: And my heart grew sick, and my brow grew sad--


s: And I thought of that wink at the Gardener-lad.


s: That maiden's eye, which was made to wink,


s: Should here be compelled to grow blear and blink,


s: Should here grow wither'd and dry as a chip!


s: --That wandering glance and furtive kiss,


s: As to call for a sentence severe as this!--


s: And I said to myself, as I heard with a sigh


s: COULD wall up that hole in a Christian land!


s: And though, when his ladies run after the fellows, he


s: Stands not on trifles, if madden'd by jealousy,


s: Its objects, I'm sure, would declare, could they speak,


s: In their Georgian, Circassian, or Turkish, or Greek,


s: 'When all's said and done, far better it was for us,


s: To be pitch'd neck-and-heels from a boat in the Bosphorus!'


s: Should be no better treated than Combe's double X!


s: Sure some one might run to the Abbess, and tell her