s: We must not, Jacob, be deceived by words;


s: We must not take them as unheeding hands


s: But with a just suspicion try their sound,


s: He knows that his unmerciful drivers seek


s: Their profit, and not his. He hath not learned


s: That pigs were made for man,...born to be brawn'd


s: And baconized: that he must please to give


s: Just what his gracious masters please to take;


s: Perhaps his tusks, the weapons Nature gave


s: For self-defense, the general privilege;


s: Perhaps,...hark, Jacob! dost thou hear that horn?


s: Those eyes have taught the lover flattery.


s: His face, ...nay, Jacob! Jacob! were it fair


s: Fancy it dressed, and with saltpeter rouged.


s: Behold his tail, my friend; with curls like that


s: The wanton hop marries her stately spouse:


s: Rings round her lover's soul the chains of love.


s: Of parts harmonious? Give thy fancy scope,


s: And thou wilt find that no imagined change


s: Can beautify this beast. Place at his end


s: The starry glories of the peacock's pride,


s: Give him the swan's white breast; for his horn-hoofs


s: Shape such a foot and ankle as the waves


s: When Venus from the enamor'd sea arose;...


s: Jacob, thou canst but make a monster of him!


s: All alteration man could think, would mar


s: With noble and right-reverend precedents,


s: To thrive by dirty ways. But let me rest


s: On better ground the unanswerable defense.


s: No prejudice. Dirt?...Jacob, what is dirt?


s: If matter,...why the delicate dish that tempts


s: An o'ergorged epicure to the last morsel


s: That stuffs him to the throat-gates, is no more.


s: Think, Jacob, what that pig is, and the mire


s: Pleads with me, and has won thee to a smile


s: That speaks conviction. O'er yon blossom'd field


s: Of beans it came, and thoughts of bacon rise.


s: And breast, till in one comfortable sneeze


s: The full-collected pleasure bursts at last!


s: Most rare Columbus! thou shalt be for this


s: Of joy. The summer gale that from the heath,


s: At midnoon glowing with the golden gorse,


s: Not satisfies the sense; and all the flowers,


s: That with their unsubstantial fragrance tempt


s: And disappoint, bloom for so short a space,


s: That half the year the nostrils would keep lent,


s: No winter in his work; when Nature sleeps


s: His wheels roll on, and still administer


s: But thine are COMMON comforts!...To omit


s: Think what a general joy the snuff-box gives,


s: Him let the school-boy bless if he behold


s: His master's box produced, for when he sees


s: Stuffed up the nostrils: when hat, head, and wig


s: Shake all; when on the waistcoat black, brown dust,


s: Profusely scattered, lodges in its folds,


s: Full surely soon shall then the brow severe


s: Words that of birch remind not, sounds of praise,


s: And jokes that MUST be laughed at shall proceed.


s: While each man, through thy height'ning steam,


s: Friendliest of plants, that I must) leave thee.


s: Sad mortals! thus the gods still plague you!


s: In a minute, their doubts and their quarrels


s: And 'twill soon put an end to their morals.


s: When you swear that you'll love me forever


s: And laughing, said, "We'll steal it slily."


s: That little ring, which, night and morn,


s: Though Love's the theme, and Wisdom blames


s: Yet Truth, sometimes, like eastern dames,


s: These flights of birds, sat still at home,


s: These light-caught Loves, ere you could ask


s: Meanwhile, young Sue, whose cage was wrought


s: That, though 'tis pleasant weaving Nets,


s: The pounded yellow of two hard-boiled eggs;


s: Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,


s: Smoothness and softness to the salad give;


s: Distrust the condiment that bites so soon;


s: But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,


s: And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss


s: Oh, green and glorious! Oh, herbaceous treat!


s: 'Twould tempt the dying anchorite to eat;


s: Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,


s: And plunge his fingers in the salad bowl!


s: Fate can not harm me, I have dined to-day!


s: And here, at least, I'll make a clearance!


s: No, they'd have stay'd at home, like me,


s: "A ball!"--she knows that I'm no dancer--


s: I've seen the man but twice--here, burn it.


s: From Sam, "The Chancellor's motto,"--nay


s: "For King read Mob!" Brougham's old erratum.


s: "Till then I can't, my dearest John, stir;"


s: "Well name it John, and know with pleasure


s: You'll stand"--Five guineas more, confound it!--


s: Or thrown it in the Thames and drown'd it.


s: "Bill so long standing,"--"quite tired out,"--


s: "Called ten times,"--Here's a fuss about


s: A few coats, waistcoats, and small raiment.


s: But when his bill's as "tired of standing"


s: "I'll burn them precious stacks down, blow me!


s: Twelve skeins of silk for netting purses:


s: "And then, perhaps, you will as well, see


s: Come that's dispatch'd--what follows?--Stay


s: Ay, here stands the Poplar, so tall and so stately,


s: On whose tender rind--'twas a little one then--


s: We carved HER initials; though not very lately,


s: We think in the year eighteen hundred and ten.


s: Yes, here is the G which proclaimed Georgiana;


s: Our heart's empress then; see, 'tis grown all askew;


s: And it's not without grief we perforce entertain a


s: Conviction, it now looks much more like a Q.


s: This should be the great D too, that once stood for Dobbin,


s: Its once fair proportions, time, too, has been robbing;


s: Alas! how the soul sentimental it vexes,


s: That thus on our labors stern CHRONOS should frown


s: Should change our soft liquids to izzards and Xes,


s: And turn true-love's alphabet all upside down!


s: "HAM. The air bites shrewdly--it is very cold.


s: HOR. It is a nipping and eager air."--HAMLET.


s: Come, GENTLE Spring! ethereal MILDNESS, come!


s: O! Thomson, void of rhyme as well as reason,


s: How couldst thou thus poor human nature hum?


s: The Spring! I shrink and shudder at her name!


s: For why, I find her breath a bitter blighter!


s: And suffer from her BLOWS as if they came


s: Her praises, then, let hardy poets sing,


s: And be her tuneful laureates and upholders,


s: From me they can not win a single stanza.


s: I know her blooms are in full blow--and so's


s: Her cowslips, stocks, and lilies of the vale,


s: Her honey-blossoms that you hear the bees at,


s: Her pansies, daffodils, and primrose pale,


s: And fair its early buddings and its blowings--


s: But just suppose Consumption's seeds appear


s: For me, I find, when eastern winds are high,


s: Smitten by breezes from the land of plague,


s: O! where's the SPRING in a rheumatic leg,


s: And quake with Ague, that great Agitator,


s: Spring, mild and gentle!--yes, a Spring-heeled Jack


s: That classic house, those classic grounds,


s: Ay, there's the playground! there's the lime,


s: Lo! where they scramble forth, and shout,


s: Some hop, some run (some fall), some twine


s: Look, here's a white, and there's a black!


s: Some laugh and sing, some mope and weep,


s: Thy taws are brave!--thy tops are rare!--


s: Our hearts are dough, our heels are lead,


s: The fields, the forms, the beasts, the books.


s: Charles Medler loathed false quantities,


s: Through clean-clipped rows of box and myrtle: And Don and Sancho,


s: Wagged all their tails, and seemed to say,


s: "Our master knows you; you're expected!"


s: Her husband clasped his ponderous Barrow;


s: And twenty curious scraps of knowledge:--


s: That Earth is foul, that Heaven is gracious,


s: The hand and head that penned and planned them,


s: Cat's cradle, leap-frog, and Quae genus;


s: To steal the staff he put such trust in;


s: Whose hand is white, whose tone is clear,


s: In tattered old slippers that toast at the bars,


s: And a ragged old jacket perfumed with cigars,


s: Away from the world and its toils and its cares,


s: I've a snug little kingdom up four pair of stairs.


s: To mount to this realm is a toil, to be sure,


s: But the fire there is bright and the air rather pure;


s: Is grand through the chimney-pots over the way.


s: This snug little chamber is crammed in all nooks,


s: With worthless old knicknacks and silly old books,


s: And foolish old odds and foolish old ends,


s: Cracked bargains from brokers, cheap keepsakes from friends.


s: Old armor, prints, pictures, pipes, china (all cracked),


s: Old rickety tables, and chairs broken-backed;


s: What matter? 'tis pleasant to you, friend, and me.


s: No better divan need the Sultan require,


s: Than the creaking old sofa that basks by the fire;


s: And 'tis wonderful, surely, what music you get


s: From the rickety, ramshackle, wheezy spinet.


s: That praying-rug came from a Turcoman's camp;


s: By Tiber once twinkled that brazen old lamp;


s: A Mameluke fierce yonder dagger has drawn:


s: 'Tis a murderous knife to toast muffins upon.


s: Long, long through the hours, and the night, and the chimes,


s: Here we talk of old books, and old friends, and old times;


s: This chamber is pleasant to you, friend, and me.


s: But of all the cheap treasures that garnish my nest,


s: There's one that I love and I cherish the best;


s: For the finest of couches that's padded with hair


s: I never would change thee, my cane-bottomed chair.


s: 'Tis a bandy-legged, high-shouldered, worm-eaten seat,


s: With a creaking old back, and twisted old feet;


s: But since the fair morning when FANNY sat there,


s: I bless thee and love thee, old cane-bottomed chair.


s: If chairs have but feeling in holding such charms,


s: A thrill must have passed through your withered old arms!


s: I looked, and I longed, and I wished in despair;


s: I wished myself turned to a cane-bottomed chair.


s: It was but a moment she sat in this place,


s: She'd a scarf on her neck, and a smile on her face!


s: A smile on her face, and a rose in her hair,


s: And she sat there, and bloomed in my cane-bottomed chair.


s: And so I have valued my chair ever since,


s: Like the shrine of a saint, or the throne of a prince;


s: Saint FANNY, my patroness sweet I declare,


s: The queen of my heart and my cane-bottomed chair.


s: When the candles burn low, and the company's gone,


s: In the silence of night as I sit here alone--


s: I sit here alone, but we yet are a pair--


s: My FANNY I see in my cane-bottomed chair.


s: She comes from the past and revisits my room;


s: She looks as she then did, all beauty and bloom;


s: So smiling and tender, so fresh and so fair,


s: And yonder she sits in my cane-bottomed chair.


s: The skin, the sides, the chin, the chops,


s: When a slight breath of air is pray'd for,


s: We feel that "Children must be paid for."


s: We know there's something gone to smash;


s: Then pause to think--"How are they fed?"


s: Yes, "Children must indeed be paid for!"


s: Fair insect! that, with thread-like legs spread out,


s: And blood-extracting bill, and filmy wing,


s: Dost murmur, as thou slowly sail'st about,


s: In pitiless ears full many a plaintive thing,


s: And tell how little our large veins should bleed,


s: Would we but yield them to thy bitter need.


s: Thou gettest many a brush and many a curse,


s: For saying thou art gaunt, and starved, and faint:


s: Even the old beggar, while he asks for food,


s: Would kill thee, hapless stranger, if he could.


s: I call thee stranger, for the town, I ween,


s: Thou com'st from Jersey meadows, fresh and green,


s: The offspring of the gods, though born on earth;


s: For Titan was thy sire, and fair was she,


s: The ocean-nymph that nursed thy infancy.


s: Beneath the rushes was thy cradle swung,


s: And when, at length, thy gauzy wings grew strong,


s: Abroad to gentle airs their folds were flung,


s: Rose in the sky, and bore thee soft along;


s: The south wind breathed to waft thee on thy way,


s: And danced and shone beneath the billowy bay.


s: Calm rose afar the city spires, and thence


s: Came the deep murmur of its throng of men,


s: And as its grateful odors met thy sense,


s: They seemed the perfumes of thy native fen.


s: Fair lay its crowded streets, and at the sight


s: Thy tiny song grew shriller with delight.


s: At length thy pinion fluttered in Broadway---


s: Ah, there were fairy steps, and white necks kissed


s: By wanton airs, and eyes whose killing ray


s: Shone through the snowy vails like stars through mist;


s: And fresh as morn, on many a cheek and chin,


s: Bloomed the bright blood through the transparent skin.


s: Sure these were sights to tempt an anchorite!


s: What! do I hear thy slender voice complain?


s: Thou wailest when I talk of beauty's light,


s: Thou art a wayward being--well--come near,


s: What say'st thou, slanderer!--rouge makes thee sick?


s: And Rowland's Kalydor, if laid on thick,


s: Poisons the thirsty wretch that bores for blood?


s: Go! 'twas a just reward that met thy crime--


s: That bloom was made to look at--not to touch;


s: To worship--not approach--that radiant white;


s: And well might sudden vengeance light on such


s: As dared, like thee, most impiously to bite.


s: Thou should'st have gazed at distance, and admired--


s: Thou 'rt welcome to the town--but why come here


s: To bleed a brother poet, gaunt like thee?


s: And thin will be the banquet drawn from me.


s: Look round--the pale-eyed sisters in my cell,


s: Thy old acquaintance, Song and Famine, dwell.


s: Try some plump alderman, and suck the blood


s: Enriched by generous wine and costly meat;


s: On well-filled skins, sleek as thy native mud,


s: Fix thy light pump, and press thy freckled feet;


s: Go to the men for whom, in ocean's halls,


s: The oyster breeds, and the green turtle sprawls.


s: There corks are drawn, and the red vintage flows,


s: To fill the swelling veins for thee, and now


s: The ruddy cheek, and now the ruddier nose


s: Shall tempt thee, as thou flittest round the brow;


s: And when the hour of sleep its quiet brings,


s: No angry hand shall rise to brush thy wings.


s: I know not who thou art, thou lovely one,


s: Thine eyes were drooped, thy lips half sorrowful,


s: While handing up thy sixpence through the hole


s: Of that o'er-freighted omnibus!--ah, me!--


s: The world is full of meetings such as this;


s: A thrill--a voiceless challenge and reply,


s: And know not of each other's nearness now,


s: And even should I pass where thou dost dwell--


s: Nay, see thee in the basement taking tea--


s: I must glide on, I dare not feast mine eye,


s: Nor o'er the iron rails that hem thee in


s: Venture to throw to thee my innocent card,


s: A shadow o'er the face of this fair dream!


s: Can make thee, and the ministering hands


s: And still 'twixt me and thee, invisibly,


s: Manhattan's orient verge, and eke the west


s: May be the signer of a temperance pledge,


s: And clad all decently may walk the earth--


s: Nay--may be number'd with that blessed few


s: If, homeward wending from his daily cares,


s: He go by Murphy's Line, thence eastward tending--


s: Or westward from the Line of Kipp & Brown--


s: The doom upon the ear, "She's not genteel!"


s: And gentlemen are bound, as are the stars,


s: And I shall look for thee in streets where dwell


s: And if my dreams be true, and thou, indeed,


s: Then, lady of the snow-white chemisette,


s: The heart which vent'rously cross'd o'er to thee


s: Upon that bridge of sixpence, may remain--


s: And, with up-town devotedness and truth,


s: Argument.--The poet starts from the Bowling Green to take his


s: Come out, love--the night is enchanting!


s: And cool your warm heart for a shilling!


s: (A nasty cigar, by the smell!)O Woman! thou secret past knowing!


s: (Though sweet is I SCREAM* when the flutter


s: And an air, that, while daintily modest,


s: There's reason in tearing one's tether--


s: And, now, the fine airs that she flourish'd


s: The bright cup which angels might handle


s: And the star that "swaps" light with a candle,


s: The air-track of a snipe most passing fair--


s: Yet colder in her blood than she is fair--


s: And feels the snipe's flight in the eddying air,


s: And loves her for her coldness not the less--


s: But fain would win her to that warmer sky


s: Where love lies waking with the fragrant stars--


s: Where fruit, leaf, blossom, on the trees forever


s: Image the tropic deathlessness of love--


s: Have met, and long'd to win thee, fairest lady,


s: To a more genial clime than cold Broadway!


s: Tranquil and effortless thou glidest on,


s: As doth the swan upon the yielding water,


s: But as thou didst divide the amorous air


s: My heart sprang in beneath that fringed vail,


s: Like an adventurous bird that would escape


s: To some warm chamber from the outer cold!


s: And close that fringed window with a kiss,


s: And in the warm sweet chamber of thy breast,


s: 'Twas late, and the gay company was gone,


s: Of orange-leaves, and sweet verbena came


s: Through the uushutter'd window on the air,


s: And the rich pictures with their dark old tints


s: Hung like a twilight landscape, and all things


s: Was leaning on her harp, and I had stay'd


s: To whisper what I could not when the crowd


s: Hung on her look like worshipers. I knelt,


s: To the cool breath of reason, told my love.


s: There was no answer, and I took the hand


s: That rested on the strings, and press'd a kiss


s: That I was not indifferent to her heart,


s: Might have the seal of one sweet syllable.


s: I kiss'd the small white fingers as I spoke,


s: And she withdrew them gently, and upraised


s: Her forehead from its resting-place, and look'd


s: They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping


s: And your damsel that walks in the morning


s: And though you may smile again brightly,


s: You've lost so much light from your lips!


s: Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,


s: E'er hope for the smallest progression--


s: On the curb-stone the space of a minute,


s: Then cried, "Here's an opening at last!"


s: 'Twas no doubt from the want of a cause."


s: He could not keep his head above water!"


s: What though thy shell protects thy fragile head


s: From the sharp bailiffs of the briny sea?


s: Thy valves are, sure, no safety-valves to thee,


s: While rakes are free to desecrate thy bed,


s: And bear thee off--as foemen take their spoil--


s: Far from thy friends and family to roam;


s: Forced, like a Hessian, from thy native home,


s: Though thou art tender, yet thy humble bard


s: Declares, O clam! thy case is shocking hard!


s: How blest the youth whom love shall bring,


s: Who'll taste those ripenings of the south,


s: Shee ha beene alwayes true to the payle,


s: She has helpt us to butter and cheese, I trow


s: Itt hath been alwayes true to the weare,


s: 'Tis now but a sigh clout as you may see.


s: It will neither hold out winde nor raine;


s: Wee have brought them up to women and men;


s: They are cladd in blacke, greene, yellowe, or gray,


s: Itt's pride that putts this countrye downe,


s: I am forced to yield, though Ime good-man;"


s: Itt's not for a man with a woman to threape,


s: Of a notable prince, that was called King John;


s: And he ruled England with maine and with might,


s: For he did great wrong, and maintein'd little right.


s: And Ile tell you a story, a story so merrye,


s: How for his house-keeping, and high renowne,


s: They rode poste for him to fair London towne.


s: And fifty golde chaynes, without any doubt,


s: In velvet coates waited the abbot about.


s: How now, father abbot, I heare it of thee,


s: Thou keepest a farre better house than mee,


s: And for thy house-keeping and high renowne,


s: I feare thou work'st treason against my crown.


s: My liege, quo' the abbot, I would it were knowne,


s: I never spend nothing but what is my owne;


s: And I trust your grace will doe me no deere


s: For spending of my owne true-gotten geere.


s: Yes, yes, father abbot, thy fault it is high


s: And now for the same thou needest must dye;


s: Por except thou canst answer me questions three,


s: Thy head shall be smitten from thy bodie.


s: And first, quo' the king, when I'm in this stead,


s: With my crowne of golde so faire on my head,


s: Among all my liege-men, so noble of birthe,


s: Thou must tell me to one penny what I am worthe.


s: How soone I may ride the whole world about,


s: And at the third question thou must not shrink,


s: O, these are hard questions for my shallow witt,


s: But if you will give me but three weekes space,


s: Ile do my endeavour to answer your grace.


s: Now three weeks space to thee will I give,


s: And that is the longest time thou hast to live;


s: For if thou dost not answer my questions three,


s: Thy lands and thy livings are forfeit to mee.


s: Away rode the abbot, all sad at that word,


s: That could with his learning an answer devise.


s: Then home rode the abbot, of comfort so cold,


s: And he mett his shepheard agoing to fold:


s: How now, my lord abbot, you are welcome home,


s: What newes do you bring us from good King John?


s: Sad newes, sad newes, shepheard, I must give:


s: That I have but three days more to live;


s: For if I do not answer him questions three,


s: The first is to tell him there in that stead,


s: With his crowne of golde so fair on his head.


s: Among all his liege-men so noble of birth.


s: To within one penny of what he is worth.


s: The seconde, to tell him, without any doubt,


s: How soone he may ride this whole world about:


s: And at the third question I must not shrinke,


s: But tell him there truly what he does thinke.


s: Now cheare up, sire abbot, did you never hear yet,


s: That a fool he may learne a wise man witt?


s: Lend me horse, and serving-men, and your apparel,


s: And I'll ride to London to answere your quarrel.


s: Nay frowne not, if it hath bin told unto mee,


s: I am like your lordship, as ever may bee:


s: There is none shall knowe us in fair London towne.


s: Now horses and serving-men thou shalt have,


s: With sumptuous array most gallant and brave;


s: With crozier, and miter, and rochet, and cope,


s: Fit to appeare 'fore our fader the pope.


s: Now welcome, sire abbot, the king he did say,


s: 'Tis well thou'rt come back to keepe thy day;


s: For and if thou canst answer my questions three,


s: Thy life and thy living both saved shall bee.


s: And first, when thou seest me here in this stead,


s: With my crown of golde so fair on my head,


s: Among all my liege-men so noble of birthe,


s: For I thinke, thou art one penny worser than hee.


s: The King he laughed, and swore by St. Bittel,


s: I did not think I had been worth so littel!


s: --Now secondly tell me, without any doubt,


s: How soone I may ride this whole world about.


s: You must rise with the sun, and ride with the same,


s: Until the next morning he riseth againe;


s: And then your grace need not make any doubt


s: But in twenty-four hours you'll ride it about.


s: The king he laughed, and swore by St. Jone,


s: I did not think it could be gone so soone!


s: --Now from the third question thou must not shrinke,


s: But tell me here truly what I do thinke.


s: Yea, that shall I do, and make your grace merry:


s: But I'm his poor shepheard, as plain you may see,


s: That am come to beg pardon for him and for mee.


s: The king he laughed, and swore by the masse,


s: Ile make thee lord abbot this day in his place!


s: Now naye, my liege, be not in such speede,


s: For alacke I can neither write, ne reade.


s: Four nobles a week, then, I will give thee,


s: For this merry jest thou hast showne unto mee:


s: And tell the old abbot, when thou comest home,


s: Thou hast brought him a pardon from good King John.


s: He mounted himself on his steed so tall,


s: And there they rode to her father's hall,


s: To her father's hall they arrived strait;


s: The knight, when she had served him soe,


s: Farewell, sir knight, the clock strikes ten,


s: You'd never have stood for boots or shoes,


s: Thought shee, sir knight, to quench your rage,


s: The bridge is drawn, the gate is barr'd,


s: Falsehood and Truth walk'd out together,


s: The neighboring woods and lawns to view,


s: Through many a blooming mead they passed,


s: One spoke her thoughts, the other feign'd.


s: At length, quoth Falsehood, sister Truth


s: And rolls at church her saint-like eyes;


s: Poor Truth she stript, as has been said,


s: Holding the tempting prize within her bill.


s: She chose the tallest tree in all the wood,


s: And spoke so well only to hear you croak?


s: That first inspir'd, and carried on the cheat


s: 'Twas hunger furnish'd hands and matter,


s: Flatterers must live by those they flatter;


s: To pull some hair, forsooth, to line his nest;


s: And with such ease began the hair attack,


s: Was by himself, and not the Pig, possessed.


s: The Boar looked up as thunder black to Mag,


s: Who, squinting down on him like an arch wag,


s: Informed Mynheer some bristles must be torn.


s: Then briskly went to work, not nicely culling:


s: Got a good handsome beakful by good pulling,


s: And flew, without a "Thank ye" to his thorn.


s: Who like a fool had built it 'midst a bramble.


s: And 'midst the bushes now began to scramble.


s: He drove the Magpie, tore his nest to rags,


s: And, happy on the downfall, poured his brags:


s: But ere he from the brambles came, alack!


s: His bleeding hide in such a plight forlorn,


s: He could not count ten hairs upon his back.


s: Then wherefore hide each blooming feature?


s: In vain she screeched--Hob did but smile;


s: Yet should not ceaseless hunt about the room


s: To catch each straggling pin to make a plumb:


s: That squeezes even the little guts of mice,


s: That peep with fearful eyes, and ask a crumb.


s: Yet pushed too far, it dulls each finer feeling--


s: Most easily inclined to make folks mean;


s: To over-reaching, perjury, and stealing.


s: Even when the heart should only think of grief


s: Who, rushing to obtain the foremost seat,


s: High from the gallery, ere the play begun,


s: In short, he broke his pretty Hebrew neck;


s: The mother was distracted, raving, wild--


s: Shrieked, tore her hair, embraced and kissed her child--


s: Afflicted every heart with grief around:


s: Soon as the shower of tears was somewhat past,


s: She cast about her eyes in thought profound


s: And being with a saving knowledge blessed,


s: She thus the playhouse manager addressed:


s: "Sher, I'm de moder of de poor Chew lad,


s: Sher, I muss haf de shilling back, you know,


s: But as for Avarice, 'tis the very devil;


s: The cancer of the heart--the worst of ills:


s: Like aconite where'er it spreads, it kills.


s: Can taint the beggar, and infect the king.


s: The mighty Marlborough pilfered cloth and bread,


s: So says that gentle satirist Squire Pope;


s: Although the ladies with such beauty blaze,


s: Their charms compensate, scarce, their want of TASTE.


s: And thus I give the dialogue that pass'd.


s: "Oh! the dear man!" cried one, "look! here's a bonnet!


s: He shall paint ME--I am determin'd on it--


s: Lord! cousin, see! how beautiful the gown!


s: What charming colors! here's fine lace, here's gauze!


s: Lord, cousin! he's the cleverest man in town!"


s: "Ay, cousin," cried a second, "very true--


s: And here, here's charming green, and red, and blue!


s: There's a complexion beats the ROUGE of Warren!


s: See those red lips; oh, la! they seem so nice!


s: What rosy cheeks then, cousin, to entice!--


s: Compar'd to this, all other heads are carrion.


s: "Cousin, this limner quickly will be seen,


s: While unobserv'd, the glory of our nation,


s: Close by them hung Sir Joshua's matchless pieces


s: Works! that a Titian's hand could form alone--


s: Works! that a Reubens had been proud to own.


s: What lately happen'd--therefore a true story:--


s: "Heav'ns! my dear beauteous angels, how d'ye do?


s: Upon my soul I'm monstrous glad to see ye."


s: "Swinge! Peter, we are glad to meet with you;


s: We're just to London come--well, pray how be ye?


s: "With all my heart, my angels."--On we walk'd,


s: And much of London--much of Cornwall talk'd.


s: How much that glorious structure would surprise,


s: How from its awful grandeur they would shrink


s: Behold, my lovely strangers, one and all,


s: As if they had been tumbled on the stones,


s: And some confounded cart had crush'd their bones.


s: After well fright'ning people with their cries,


s: And sticking to a ribbon-shop their eyes,


s: They all rush'd in, with sounds enough to stun,


s: And clattering all together, thus begun:--


s: "Swinge! here are colors then, to please!


s: "Here, here, are clever things--good Lord!


s: Here, here!--look! here are beauties to delight:


s: Before that one might meet with such a sight!"


s: "Come, ladies, 'twill be dark," cried I--"I fear.


s: Pray let us view St. Paul's, it is so near"--


s: "Lord! Peter," cried the girls, "don't mind St. Paul!


s: Don't be afraid--St. Paul's can't RUN AWAY."


s: If e'er thy bosom felt a thought SUBLIME,


s: Drop tears of pity with the man of rhyme!


s: Which labor can not to perfection bring:


s: Therefore, however great in your own eyes,


s: Pray do not hints from other folks despise:


s: A fool on something great, at times, may stumble,


s: On which, forever, your wise men may fumble,


s: Yes! I advise you, for there's wisdom in't,


s: The genius of each man, with keenness view--


s: Pray, have you heard? "Yes."--O, then, if you please


s: I'll give you the two Pilgrims and the Peas.


s: Were order'd to the Virgin Mary's shrine,


s: Who at Loretto dwelt, in wax, stone, wood,


s: And in a fair white wig look'd wondrous fine.


s: Fifty long miles had those sad rogues to travel,


s: With something in their shoes much worse than gravel


s: In short, their toes so gentle to amuse,


s: The priest had order'd peas into their shoes:


s: For purifying souls that stunk of crimes:


s: Which Popish parsons for its powers exalt,


s: But very diff'rent was their speed, I wot:


s: The other limp'd, as if he had been shot.


s: One saw the Virgin soon--peccavi cried--


s: Had his soul white-wash'd all so clever;


s: Made fit, with saints above, to live forever.


s: He met his brother rogue about half way--


s: Hobbling, with out-stretch'd hands and bending knees;


s: Damning the souls and bodies of the peas:


s: His eyes in tears, his cheeks and brows in sweat,


s: Deep sympathizing with his groaning feet.


s: "How now," the light-toed, white-washed pilgrim broke


s: No! to the Dev'l my sinful soul must go,


s: What pow'r hath work'd a wonder for YOUR toes:


s: While _I_, just like a snail am crawling,


s: Now swearing, now on saints devoutly bawling,


s: While not a rascal comes to ease my woes?


s: "How is't that YOU can like a greyhound go,


s: Merry, as if that naught had happen'd, burn ye?"


s: "Why," cried the other, grinning, "you must know,


s: That just before I ventur'd on my journey,


s: She stretched in vain to reach the prize;


s: How smooth those 'kerchiefs, and how sweet


s: With hunger pinched, and pinched for room,


s: That night, by chance, the poet, watching,


s: When opening his toothpick-case, one said,


s: "Grow!" cried the other, "yes, they GROW, indeed,


s: You might as well say grapes grow on a reed,


s: "Why, sir," returned the irritated other,


s: This matter you are thoroughly mistaken."


s: "Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit


s: To the assertion--none e'er saw or read it;


s: Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."


s: "Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are


s: "Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar,


s: You may affirm just any thing you please--


s: That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue,


s: "Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,"


s: Language like this no man can suffer cool:


s: So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied,


s: "Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face


s: That anchovies DON'T grow like cloves and mace?"


s: Leave the contention as they found it--bone,


s: For strength of argument; and he who winces


s: From force of words, with force of arms convinces!


s: With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint,


s: Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding,


s: Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading


s: (Their hearts already loaded) serv'd to show


s: It might be better they shook hands--but no;


s: When each opines himself, though frighten'd, right


s: And they DID fight: from six full measured paces


s: The unbeliever pulled his trigger first;


s: And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces,


s: The whizzing lead had whizz'd its very worst,


s: (His ire evanishing like morning vapors),


s: Found nim possess'd of one remaining ear,


s: Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth;


s: For while the surgeon was applying lint,


s: He, wriggling, cried--"The deuce is in't--Sir! I MEANT--CAPERS!"


s: Julia was blest with beauty, wit, and grace:


s: Small poets loved to sing her blooming face.


s: Preferr'd their vows; yet all preferr'd in vain.


s: Till charming Florio, born to conquer, came,


s: And touch'd the fair one with an equal flame.


s: The flame she felt, and ill could she conceal


s: What every look and action would reveal.


s: With boldness then, which seldom fails to move,


s: He pleads the cause of marriage and of love;


s: The fair one's eyes dance pleasure at the sounds.


s: Naught now remain'd but "Noes"--how little meant--


s: And the sweet coyness that endears consent.


s: The youth upon his knees enraptured fell:--


s: The strange misfortune, oh! what words can tell?


s: Tell! ye neglected sylphs! who lap-dogs guard,


s: Why snatch'd ye not away your precious ward?


s: Why suffer'd ye the lover's weight to fall


s: On the ill-fated neck of much-loved Ball?


s: The favorite on his mistress casts his eyes,


s: Sacred his ashes lie, and long his rest!


s: Anger and grief divide poor Julia's breast.


s: Her eyes she fix'd on guilty Morio first,


s: On him the storm of angry grief must burst.


s: That storm he fled:--he woos a kinder fair,


s: Whose fond affections no dear puppies share.


s: 'Twere vain to tell how Julia pined away;--


s: (From future almanacs the day be cross'd!)


s: Their names, little friends, I am sorry to say,


s: But the son, if you please, we'll call Pierre,


s: What the parents were called, never mind.


s: From France they came, in which fair land


s: And they took up their lodging one night on the way


s: And had lodged in the Hospice instead of the Inn,


s: As Potiphar's daughter, I think, would have been


s: Their wallets were searched, and in Pierre's


s: "The theft," he said, "was plain and proved,


s: "Mother," said he, "I am glad you're return'd,


s: Though I can not complain that I'm tired,


s: And the winds have but helped me to swing,


s: "Think not," quoth he, "to tales like this


s: And when each would have open'd its eyes,


s: And that there was no seeing without them.


s: Or what was their plight, or how they came there,


s: Because, you must know, that that morning,


s: The Hen would have pranked up her feathers,


s: And for want of them she would have shiver'd with cold,


s: If the roasting she had had not warm'd her.


s: That his head and his voice were he did not know where,


s: In they came from the yard without check,


s: And in flew the feathers, like snow in a shower,


s: And the Cock and the Hen in a trice were refledged,


s: Cluck! cluck! cried the Hen right merrily then,


s: Went first with banners and drum and fife;


s: And saw the Saint and his banners before 'em


s: They behaved with the greatest propriety,


s: The Knife, which had cut off their heads that morn,


s: Still red with their innocent blood, was borne,


s: And the Skewers also made part of the show,


s: With which they were truss'd for the spit.


s: And the Dish was display'd wherein they were laid


s: Next went the Alcayde, beating his breast,


s: The Father and Mother were last in the train;


s: That of telling a plain unvarnish'd tale,


s: His parents went back with him joyfully,


s: After which they returned to their own country,


s: And there, I believe, that all the three


s: And the Priest had absolved him, did he feel


s: The twice-born Birds to the Pilgrim's Church


s: And after following the Saint and his banners,


s: This Cock and Hen were so changed in their manners,


s: Saint Cock became all meekness and love;


s: These blessed Fowls, at seven years end,


s: That a Cock and Hen should be borne thenceforth,


s: And both, like their parents, were virtuous and white.


s: Was to rear this precious brood; and when


s: Sacred they are; neither magpie nor rat,


s: Snake, weasel, nor marten approaching them:


s: And some of the feathers are given them;


s: Of these feathers there is always store,


s: Thousands a thousand times told have bought them,


s: And if myriads and tens of myriads sought them,


s: You will bring away some of the feathers,


s: Oh, for a glance of that gay Muse's eye,


s: That lighten'd on Bandello's laughing tale,


s: And twinkled with a luster shrewd and sly,


s: When Giam Batttista bade her vision hail!--


s: Given by the natives of that land canorous;


s: We Britons have the fear of shame before us,


s: And, if not wise in mirth, at least must be decorous.


s: In the far eastern clime, no great while since,


s: Lived Sultaun Solimaun, a mighty prince,


s: Whose eyes, as oft as they perform'd their round,


s: Beheld all others fix'd upon the ground;


s: Whose ears received the same unvaried phrase,


s: "Sultaun! thy vassal hears, and he obeys!"


s: All have their tastes--this may the fancy strike


s: Of such grave folks as pomp and grandeur like;


s: For me, I love the honest heart and warm


s: Of monarch who can amble round his farm,


s: Or when the toil of state no more annoys,


s: I love a prince will bid the bottle pass,


s: Exchanging with his subjects glance and glass;


s: In fitting time, can, gayest of the gay,


s: Keep up the jest, and mingle in the lay--


s: Such Monarchs best our free-born humors suit,


s: But Despots must be stately, stern, and mute.


s: And where's Serendib? may some critic say--


s: Good lack, mine honest friend, consult the chart,


s: If Rennell has it not, you'll find, mayhap,


s: The isle laid down in Captain Sinbad's map--


s: Famed mariner! whose merciless narrations


s: Drove every friend and kinsman out of patience,


s: Till, fain to find a guest who thought them shorter,


s: He deign'd to tell them over to a porter--


s: Rees, Hurst, and Orme, our fathers in the Row.


s: Serendib found, deem not my tale a fiction--


s: This Sultaun, whether lacking contradiction--


s: (A sort of stimulant which hath its uses,


s: To raise the spirits and reform the juices,


s: --Sovereign specific for all sorts of cures


s: In my wife's practice, and perhaps in yours),


s: The Sultaun lacking this same wholesome bitter,


s: Of cordial smooth for prince's palate fitter--


s: Or if some Mollah had hag-rid his dreams


s: With Degial, Ginnistan, and such wild themes


s: I wot not--but the Sultaun never laugh'd,


s: Scarce ate or drank, and took a melancholy


s: That scorn'd all remedy profane or holy;


s: Physicians soon arrived, sage, ware, and tried,


s: As e'er scrawl'd jargon in a darken'd room;


s: With heedful glance the Sultaun's tongue they eyed,


s: Peep'd in his bath, and God knows where beside,


s: And then in solemn accent spoke their doom,


s: Then each to work with his specific fell;


s: While Roompot, a practitioner more wily,


s: And some the front assail, and some the rear;


s: Till the tired Monarch, though of words grown chary,


s: Yet dropt, to recompense their fruitless labor,


s: There lack'd, I promise you, no longer speeches,


s: To rid the palace of those learned leeches.


s: Then was the council call'd--by their advice


s: (They deem'd the matter ticklish all, and nice,


s: And sought to shift it off from their own shoulders)


s: Tartars and couriers in all speed were sent,


s: Of feudatory chieftains and freeholders--


s: Such have the Persians at this very day,


s: My gallant Malcolm calls them couroultai;--


s: I'm not prepared to show in this slight song


s: That to Serendib the same forms belong--


s: E'en let the learn'd go search, and tell me if I'm wrong.


s: Gave, like Sempronius, still their voice for war--


s: Too long has slept, nor own'd the work of death,


s: Let the Tambourgi bid his signal rattle,


s: Bang the loud gong, and raise the shout of battle!


s: This dreary cloud that dims our sovereign's day,


s: When the bold Lootie wheels his courser round,


s: And the arm'd elephant shall shake the ground.


s: Each noble pants to own the glorious summons--


s: And for the charges--Lo! your faithful Commons!"


s: From this oration auguring much disquiet,


s: Double assessment, forage, and free quarters;


s: And fearing these as China-men the Tartars,


s: Or as the whisker'd vermin fear the mousers,


s: Each fumbled in the pockets of his trowsers.


s: And next came forth the reverend Convocation,


s: Bald heads, white beards, and many a turban green,


s: Imaum and Mollah there of every station,


s: Their votes were various--some advised a Mosque


s: With fitting revenues should be erected,


s: With seemly gardens and with gay Kiosque,


s: Others opined that through the realms a dole


s: Be made to holy men, whose prayers might profit


s: But their long-headed chief, the Sheik Ul-Sofit,


s: More closely touch'd the point;--"Thy studious mood,"


s: Quoth he, "O Prince! hath thicken'd all thy blood,


s: And dull'd thy brain with labor beyond measure;


s: Wherefore relax a space and take thy pleasure,


s: And toy with beauty, or tell o'er thy treasure;


s: From all the cares of state, my Liege, enlarge thee,


s: And leave the burden to thy faithful clergy."


s: Where grave physicians lose their time and wit)


s: Resolved to take advice of an old woman;


s: His mother she, a dame who once was beauteous,


s: And still was called so by each subject duteous.


s: Now whether Fatima was witch in earnest,


s: But she profess'd to cure disease the sternest,


s: And, when all other skill in vain was shown,


s: She deem'd it fitting time to use her own.


s: "It works upon the fibers and the pores,


s: And thus, insensibly, our health restores,


s: And it must help us here.--Thou must endure


s: The ill, my son, or travel for the cure.


s: Search land and sea, and get, where'er you can,


s: I mean his SHIRT, my son; which, taken warm


s: And fresh from off his back, shall chase your harm,


s: Bid every current of your veins rejoice,


s: And your dull heart leap light as shepherd-boy's."


s: Such was the counsel from his mother came;--


s: As doctors have, who bid their patients roam


s: And live abroad, when sure to die at home;


s: Or if she thought, that, somehow or another,


s: Queen-Regent sounded better than Queen-Mother;


s: But, says the Chronicle (who will go look it?)


s: That such was her advice--the Sultaun took it.


s: All are on board--the Sultaun and his train,


s: In gilded galley prompt to plow the main.


s: The old Rais was the first who question'd, "Whither?"


s: They paused--"Arabia," thought the pensive Prince,


s: For Mokha, Rais."--And they came safely thither.


s: Could there the step of Happiness be traced.


s: One Copt alone profess'd to have seen her smile


s: When Bruce his goblet fill'd at infant Nile:


s: She bless'd the dauntless traveler as he quaff'd


s: But vanish'd from him with the ended draught.


s: "Enough of turbans," said the weary King.


s: "These dolimans of ours are not the thing;


s: Try we the Giaours, these men of coat, and cap, I


s: Incline to think some of them must be happy;


s: At least they have as fair a cause as any can,


s: They drink good wine and keep no Ramazan.


s: Then northward, ho!"--The vessel cuts the sea,


s: Her eagle-banners o'er a conquer'd world,


s: Long from her throne of domination tumbled,


s: Lay, by her quondam vassals, sorely humbled,


s: The Pope himself look'd pensive, pale, and lean,


s: And was not half the man he once had been.


s: "While these the priest and those the noble fleeces,


s: Our poor old boot," they said, "is torn to pieces.


s: Its tops the vengeful claws of Austria feel,


s: And the Great Devil is rending toe and heel.


s: If happiness you seek, to tell you truly,


s: We think she dwells with one Giovanni Bulli;


s: By land or ocean never strikes his flag--


s: Off set our Prince to seek John Bull's abode,


s: But first took France--it lay upon the road.


s: Monsieur Baboon, after much late commotion,


s: Quite out of sorts, and could not tell what ail'd him,


s: Only the glory of his house had fail'd him;


s: Besides, some tumors on his noddle biding,


s: Our Prince, though Sultauns of such things are heedless,


s: Thought it a thing indelicate and needless


s: And Monsieur, seeing that he was comme il faut, a


s: Loud voice muster'd up, for "Vive le Roi!"


s: Then whisper'd, "'Ave you any news of Nappy?"


s: The Sultaun answer'd him with a cross question--


s: "Pray, can you tell me aught of one John Bull,


s: That dwells somewhere beyond your herring-pool?"


s: The query seem'd of difficult digestion,


s: The party shrugg'd, and grinn'd, and took his snuff,


s: And found his whole good-breeding scarce enough.


s: Twitching his visage into as many puckers


s: As damsels wont to put into their tuckers


s: (Ere liberal Fashion damn'd both lace and lawn,


s: Replied the Frenchman, after a brief pause,


s: "Jean Bool!--I vas not know him--yes, I vas--


s: I saw him at von place call'd Vaterloo--


s: But den he had wit him one damn son-gun,


s: Rogue I no like--dey call him Vellington."


s: Monsieur's politeness could not hide his fret,


s: So Solimaun took leave, and cross'd the strait.


s: John Bull was in his very worst of moods,


s: Raving of sterile farms and unsold goods;


s: His sugar-loaves and bales about he threw,


s: And on his counter beat the devil's tattoo.


s: His wars were ended, and the victory won,


s: But then, 'twas reckoning-day with honest John;


s: And authors vouch, 'twas still this Worthy's way,


s: And then he always thinks, his temper's such,


s: The work too little, and the pay too much."


s: Yet grumbler as he is, so kind and hearty,


s: That when his mortal foe was on the floor,


s: And past the power to harm his quiet more,


s: Poor John had well-nigh wept for Bonaparte!


s: Such was the wight whom Solimaun salam'd--


s: "And who are you," John answer'd, "and be d--d?"


s: 'A stranger come to see the happiest man--


s: So, signior, all avouch--in Frangistan.'--


s: Unstock'd my pastures, and untill'd my land;


s: Sugar and rum a drug, and mice and moths


s: The sole consumers of my good broadcloths--


s: Happy?---why, cursed war and racking tax


s: Have left us scarcely raiment to our backs."--


s: "In that case, signior, I may take my leave;


s: "Favor?" said John, and eyed the Sultaun hard,


s: "It's my belief you came to break the yard!--


s: But, stay, you look like some poor foreign sinner--


s: Take that to buy yourself a shirt and dinner."--


s: With that he chuck'd a guinea at his head;


s: But, with due dignity, the Sultaun said,


s: "Permit me, sir, your bounty to decline;


s: A SHIRT indeed I seek, but none of thine.


s: Signior, I kiss your hands, so fare you well,"--


s: "Kiss and be d--d," quoth John, "and go to hell!"


s: Next door to John there dwelt his sister Peg,


s: When the blithe bagpipe blew--but, soberer now,


s: She DOUCELY span her flax and milk'd her cow.


s: And whereas erst she was a needy slattern,


s: Nor now of wealth or cleanliness a pattern,


s: Yet once a month her house was partly swept,


s: And once a week a plenteous board she kept.


s: And, whereas, eke, the vixen used her claws


s: And teeth of yore, on slender provocation.


s: The sole remembrance of her warlike joys


s: Was in old songs she sang to please her boys.


s: John Bull, whom, in their years of early strife,


s: She wont to lead a cat-and-doggish life,


s: Now found the woman, as he said, a neighbor,


s: Who look'd to the main chance, declined no labor,


s: Loved a long grace, and spoke a northern jargon.


s: And was d--d close in making of a bargain.


s: The Sultaun enter'd, and he made his leg,


s: (She loved a book, and knew a thing or two,


s: And guess'd at once with whom she had to do).


s: She bade him "Sit into the fire," and took


s: Her dram, her cake, her kebbuck from the nook;


s: Ask'd him "About the news from Eastern parts:


s: And of her absent bairns, puir Highland hearts!


s: If peace brought down the price of tea and pepper,


s: And if the NITMUGS were grown ONY cheaper;--


s: Were there nae SPEERINGS of our Mungo Park--


s: Ye'll be the gentleman that wants the sark?


s: If ye wad buy a web o' auld wife's spinning


s: I'll warrant ye it's a weel-wearing linen."


s: Then up got Peg, and round the house 'gan scuttle


s: In search of goods her customer to nail,


s: Until the Sultaun strain'd his princely throttle


s: And hallo'd--"Ma'am, that is not what I ail.


s: Pray, are you happy, ma'am, in this snug glen?"--


s: "Happy?" said Peg; "What for d'ye want to ken?


s: Besides, just think upon this by-gane year,


s: Grain wadna pay the yoking of the pleugh."--


s: "What say you to the present?"--"Meal's sae dear,


s: To make their brose my bairns have scarce aneugh."--


s: "The devil take the shirt," said Solimaun,


s: "I think my quest will end as it began.--


s: Farewell, ma'am; nay, no ceremony, I beg"--


s: "Ye'll no be for the linen then?" said Peg.


s: The Emerald Isle, where honest Paddy dwells,


s: The cousin of John Bull, as story tells.


s: For a long space had John, with words of thunder


s: Hard looks, and harder knocks, kept Paddy under,


s: Till the poor lad, like boy that's flogg'd unduly,


s: Hard was his lot and lodging, you'll allow,


s: His landlord, and of middle men two brace,


s: Had screw'd his rent up to the starving-place;


s: His garment was a top-coat, and an old one,


s: But still for fun or frolic, and all that,


s: In the round world was not the match of Pat.


s: When mass is ended, and his load of sins


s: Confess'd, and Mother Church hath from her binns


s: Then is Pat's time for fancy, whim, and spirit!


s: To jest, to sing, to caper fair and free,


s: And dance as light as leaf upon the tree.


s: Rush in and seize him--do not do him hurt,


s: But, will he nill he, let me have his SHIRT."


s: Shilela their plan was well-nigh after baulking


s: (Much less provocation will set it a-walking),


s: But the odds that foil'd Hercules foil'd Paddy Whack;


s: They seized, and they floor'd, and they stripp'd him--Alack


s: Up-bubboo! Paddy had not--a shirt to his back!!!


s: And the King, disappointed, with sorrow and shame


s: Went back to Serendib as sad as he came.


s: A donkey whose talent for burden was wondrous,


s: So much that you'd swear he rejoiced in a load,


s: One day had to jog under panniers so pond'rous,


s: That--down the poor donkey fell, smack on the road.


s: His owners and drivers stood round in amaze--


s: What! Neddy, the patient, the prosperous Neddy


s: So easy to drive through the dirtiest ways,


s: For every description of job-work so ready!


s: One driver (whom Ned might have "hail'd" as a "brother")


s: Had just been proclaiming his donkey's renown,


s: For vigor, for spirit, for one thing or other--


s: When, lo! 'mid his praises, the donkey came down.


s: But, how to upraise him?--one shouts, T'OTHER whistles,


s: While Jenky, the conjurer, wisest of all,


s: Declared that an "over-production" of thistles--


s: (Here Ned gave a stare)--was the cause of his fall.


s: Another wise Solomon cries, as he passes--


s: "There, let him alone, and the fit will soon cease,


s: The beast has been fighting with other jack-asses,


s: And this is his mode of 'TRANSITION TO PEACE'"


s: Some look'd at his hoofs, and, with learned grimaces,


s: Pronounced that too long without shoes he had gone--


s: "Let the blacksmith provide him a sound metal basis


s: (The wiseacres said), and he's sure to jog on."


s: But others who gabbled a jargon half Gaelic,


s: Exclaim'd, "Hoot awa, mon, you're a' gane astray"--


s: And declared that "whoe'er might prefer the METALLIC,


s: They'd shoe their OWN donkeys with papier mache."


s: Meanwhile the poor Neddy, in torture and fear,


s: Lay under his panniers, scarce able to groan,


s: And, what was still dolefuler--lending an ear


s: To advisers whose ears were a match for his own.


s: At length, a plain rustic, whose wit went so far


s: As to see others' folly, roar'd out as he pass'd--


s: "Quick--off with the panniers, all dolts as ye are,


s: Or your prosperous Neddy will soon kick his last."


s: I was in Margate last July, I walk'd upon the pier,


s: I saw a little vulgar Boy--I said "What make you here?--


s: The gloom upon your youthful cheek speaks any thing but joy;"


s: Again I said, "What make you here, you little vulgar Boy?"


s: He frown'd, that little vulgar Boy--he deem'd I meant to scoff--


s: And when the little heart is big, a little "sets it off;"


s: He put his finger in his mouth, his little bosom rose,--


s: He had no little handkerchief to wipe his little nose!


s: Run home and get your supper, else your Ma' will scold--Oh fie!--


s: The tear-drop in his little eye again began to spring,


s: His bosom throbb'd with agony--he cried like any thing!


s: I stoop'd, and thus amidst his sobs I heard him murmur--"Ah


s: I haven't got no supper! and I haven't got no Ma'!--


s: "My father, he is on the seas,--my mother's dead and gone!


s: And I am here on this here pier, to roam the world alone;


s: I have not had, this live-long day, one drop to cheer my heart,


s: Nor 'BROWN' to buy a bit of bread with,--let alone a tart.


s: "If there's a soul will give me food, or find me in employ,


s: By day or night, then blow me tight!" (he was a vulgar Boy;)


s: "And now I'm here, from this here pier it is my fixed intent


s: To jump, as Mr. Levi did from off the Monu-ment!"


s: "Cheer up! cheer up! my little man--cheer up!" I kindly said.


s: You are a naughty boy to take such things into your head:


s: "Come home with me, my little man, come home with me and sup;


s: My landlady is Mrs. Jones--we must not keep her up--


s: There's roast potatoes on the fire,--enough for me and you--


s: Come home,--you little vulgar Boy--I lodge at Number 2."


s: I took him home to Number 2, the house beside "The Foy"


s: I bade him wipe his dirty shoes,--that little vulgar Boy,--


s: And then I said to Mistress Jones, the kindest of her sex,


s: "Pray be so good as go and fetch a pint of double X!"


s: But Mrs. Jones was rather cross, she made a little noise,


s: She said she "did not like to wait on little vulgar Boys."


s: She with her apron wiped the plates, and, as she rubb'd the delft


s: I did not go to Jericho--I went to Mr. Cobb--


s: I changed a shilling--(which in town the people call "a Bob")--


s: It was not so much for myself as for that vulgar child--


s: And I said, "A pint of double X, and please to draw it mild!"


s: When I came back I gazed about--I gazed on stool and chair--


s: I could not see my little friend--because he was not there!


s: I peep'd beneath the table-cloth--beneath the sofa too--


s: I said "You little vulgar Boy! why what's become of you?"


s: I could not see my table-spoons--I look'd, but could not see


s: The little fiddle-pattern'd ones I use when I'm at tea;


s: --I could not see my sugar-tongs--my silver watch--oh, dear!


s: I know 'twas on the mantle-piece when I went out for beer.


s: I could not see my Mackintosh!--it was not to be seen!


s: My roast potatoes!--all are gone!--and so's that vulgar Boy!


s: I rang the bell for Mrs. Jones, for she was down below,


s: "--Oh, Mrs. Jones! what do you think?--ain't this a pretty go?


s: --That horrid little vulgar Boy whom I brought here to-night,


s: --He's stolen my things and run away!!"--Says she, "And sarve you


s: Next morning I was up betimes--I sent the Crier round,


s: All with his bell and gold-laced hat, to say I'd give a pound


s: To find that little vulgar Boy, who'd gone and used me so;


s: But when the Crier cried "O Yes!" the people cried, "O No!"


s: I went to "Jarvis' Landing-place," the glory of the town,


s: There was a common sailor-man a-walking up and down;


s: I told my tale--he seem'd to think I'd not been treated well,


s: And called me "Poor old Buffer!" what that means I cannot tell.


s: That sailor-man, he said he'd seen that morning on the shore,


s: A son of--something--'twas a name I'd never heard before,


s: A little "gallows-looking chap"--dear me; what could he mean?


s: With a "carpet-swab" and "muckingtogs," and a hat turned up with


s: And then he hitch'd his trowsers up, as is, I'm told, their use,


s: I did not understand him well, but think he meant to say


s: He'd seen that little vulgar Boy, that morning swim away


s: In Captain Large's Royal George about an hour before,


s: And they were now, as he supposed, "someWHERES" about the Nore.


s: A landsman said, "I TWIG the chap--he's been upon the Mill--


s: And 'cause he GAMMONS so the FLATS, ve calls him Veeping Bill!"


s: He said "he'd done me wery brown," and "nicely STOW'D the SWAG."


s: --That's French, I fancy, for a hat--or else a carpet-bag.


s: I went and told the constable my property to track;


s: He asked me if "I did not wish that I might get it back?"


s: I answered, "To be sure I do!--it's what I come about."


s: Not knowing what to do, I thought I'd hasten back to town,


s: He sent for Mr. Whithair then, and I described "the swag,"


s: My Mackintosh, my sugar-tongs, my spoons, and carpet-bag;


s: He promised that the New Police should all their powers employ;


s: But never to this hour have I beheld that vulgar Boy!


s: Remember, then, what when a boy I've heard my Grandma' tell,


s: Don't link yourself with vulgar folks, who've got no fix'd abode,


s: Give my respects to Mrs. Jones, and say I 'm pretty well!


s: There stands a City,--neither large nor small,


s: Whether the ladies there are short or tall,


s: Brunettes or blondes, only, there stands a city!--


s: That there's a Castle, and a Cobbler in it.


s: And kings and heroes lie entombed within her;


s: There pious Saints, in marble pomp repose,


s: Whose shrines are worn by knees of many a Sinner;


s: There, too, full many an Aldermanic nose


s: And there stood high the holy sconce of Becket,


s: --Till four assassins came from France to crack it.


s: The Castle was a huge and antique mound,


s: Proof against all th' artillery of the quiver,


s: To send cold lead through gallant warrior's liver


s: Resembling (to compare great things with smaller)


s: A well-scooped, moldy Stilton cheese--but taller.


s: The Keep, I find, 's been sadly alter'd lately,


s: And 'stead of mail-clad knights, of honor jealous,


s: In martial panoply so grand and stately,


s: Its walls are rilled with money-making fellows,


s: And stuff'd, unless I'm misinformed greatly,


s: With leaden pipes, and coke, and coal, and bellows


s: In short, so great a change has come to pass,


s: But to my tale.--Before this profanation,


s: And ere its ancient glories were out short all,


s: A poor hard-working Cobbler took his station


s: In a small house, just opposite the portal;


s: His birth, his parentage, and education,


s: I know but little of--a strange, odd mortal;


s: His aspect, air, and gait, were all ridiculous;


s: His name was Mason--he'd been christened Nicholas.


s: Nick had a wife possessed of many a charm,


s: She'd sometimes exercise when in a passion;


s: Would now and then seize, upon small occasion,


s: A stick, or stool, or any thing that round did lie,


s: And baste her lord and master most confoundedly.


s: No matter;--'tis a thing that's not uncommon,


s: 'Tis what we all have heard, and most have read of,--


s: --And so did Nick,--whom sometimes there would come on


s: A sort of fear his Spouse might knock his head off,


s: Demolish half his teeth, or drive a rib in,


s: She shone so much in "facers" and in "fibbing."


s: "There's time and place for all things," said a sage


s: (King Solomon, I think), and this I can say,


s: Within a well-roped ring, or on a stage,


s: --'Tis not so well in Susan or in Nancy:--


s: To get well mill'd by any one's an evil,


s: And so thought Nicholas, whose only trouble


s: (At least his worst) was this, his rib's propensity;


s: For sometimes from the ale-house he would hobble,


s: Of cogitation--then he couldn't cobble--


s: And then his wife would often try the density


s: Of his poor skull, and strike with all her might,


s: As fast as kitchen wenches strike a light.


s: Mason, meek soul, who ever hated strife,


s: Of this same striking had a morbid dread,


s: On these occasions he'd sneak up to bed,


s: Grope darkling in, and soon as at the door


s: He heard his lady--he'd pretend to snore.


s: One night, then, ever partial to society,


s: Nick, with a friend (another jovial fellow),


s: Went to a Club--I should have said Society--


s: At the "City Arms," once call'd the "Porto Bello"


s: A Spouting party, which, though some decry it, I


s: Consider no bad lounge when one is mellow;


s: There they discuss the tax on salt, and leather,


s: And change of ministers and change of weather.


s: In short, it was a kind of British Forum,


s: Like John Gale Jones', erst in Piccadilly,


s: Only they managed things with more decorum,


s: And the Orations were not QUITE so silly;


s: Far different questions, too, would come before 'em


s: Not always politics, which, will ye nill ye,


s: Their London prototypes were always willing,


s: To give one QUANTUM SUFF. of--for a shilling.


s: And tenfold talent, as I'm told, in Bow-street,


s: Where kindlier nurtured souls do congregate,


s: And, though there are who deem that same a low street


s: And genuine humor it's surpassed by no street,


s: When the "Chief Baron" enters, and assumes


s: To "rule" o'er mimic "Thesigers" and "Broughams."


s: Here they would oft forget their Rulers' faults,


s: And waste in ancient lore the midnight taper,


s: Inquire if Orpheus first produced the Waltz,


s: How Gas-lights differ from the Delphic Vapor.


s: Whether Hippocrates gave Glauber's Salts,


s: And what the Romans wrote on ere obey'd paper,--


s: This night the subject of their disquisitions


s: One learned gentleman, "a sage grave man,"


s: Talk'd of the Ghost in Hamlet, "sheath'd in steel:"--


s: His well-read friend, who next to speak began,


s: Said, "That was Poetry, and nothing real;"


s: A third, of more extensive learning, ran


s: Of sheeted Specters spoke with shorten'd breath,


s: And thrice he quoted "Drelincourt on Death."


s: Nick, smoked, and smoked, and trembled as he heard


s: The point discuss'd, and all they said upon it,


s: How frequently some murder'd man appear'd,


s: To tell his wife and children who had done it;


s: Or how a Miser's Ghost, with grisly beard,


s: And pale lean visage, in an old Scotch bonnet,


s: Wander'd about to watch his buried money!


s: When all at once Nick heard the clock strike One--he


s: Sprang from his seat, not doubting but a lecture


s: Impended from his fond and faithful She;


s: Nor could he well to pardon him expect her,


s: For he had promised to "be home to tea;"


s: But having luckily the key o' the back door,


s: Might creep up stairs again, pretend to doze,


s: And hoax his spouse with music from his nose.


s: Vain fruitless hope!--The wearied sentinel


s: Till, ere his hand can sound the alarum-bell,


s: When slumb'ring on her post, the mouse may go,--


s: But woman, wakeful woman, 's never weary,


s: --Above all, when she waits to thump her deary.


s: Soon Mrs. Mason heard the well-known tread;


s: She heard the key slow creaking in the door,


s: Spied through the gloom obscure, toward the bed


s: Nick creeping soft, as oft he had crept before;


s: When, bang, she threw a something at his head,


s: And Nick at once lay prostrate on the floor;


s: While she exclaim'd with her indignant face on,--


s: "How dare you use your wife so, Mr. Mason?"


s: Spare we to tell how fiercely she debated,


s: Roused by the bump into a good set passion,


s: So great, that more than once he execrated,


s: Ere he crawl'd into bed in his usual fashion;


s: --The Muses hate brawls; suffice it then to say,


s: He duck'd below the clothes--and there he lay:


s: 'Twas now the very witching time of night,


s: When church-yards groan, and graves give up their dead,


s: And many a mischievous, enfranchised Sprite


s: Had long since burst his bonds of stone or lead,


s: And hurried off, with schoolboy-like delight,


s: To play his pranks near some poor wretch's bed,


s: Sleeping, perhaps, serenely as a porpoise,


s: Nor dreaming of this fiendish Habeas Corpus.


s: Still to the same tremendous theme recurred,


s: The same dread subject of the dark narrations,


s: Which, back'd with such authority, he'd heard;


s: Lost in his own horrific contemplations,


s: He pondered o'er each well-remembered word;


s: When at the bed's foot, close beside the post,


s: Plain and more plain the unsubstantial Sprite


s: To his astonish'd gaze each moment grew;


s: Ghastly and gaunt, it rear'd its shadowy height,


s: Of more than mortal seeming to the view,


s: And round its long, thin, bony fingers drew


s: A tatter'd winding-sheet, of course ALL WHITE;--


s: The moon that moment peeping through a cloud,


s: Nick very plainly saw it THROUGH THE SHROUD!


s: And now those matted locks, which never yet


s: Had yielded to the comb's unkind divorce,


s: Nay, e'en the very cap, of texture coarse,


s: Whose ruby cincture crown'd that brow of jet,


s: Was but a type of Nick's up-squatting in the bed.


s: Quaked every limb,--the candle too no doubt,


s: En regle, WOULD have burnt extremely blue,


s: And he, though naturally bold and stout,


s: In short, was in a most tremendous stew;--


s: The room was fill'd with a sulphureous smell,


s: But where that came from Mason could not tell.


s: All motionless the Specter stood,--and now


s: Its reverend form more clearly shone confest,


s: From the pale cheek a beard of purest snow


s: The thin gray hairs, that crown'd its furrow'd brow,


s: Told of years long gone by.--An awful guest


s: It stood, and with an action of command,


s: Beckon'd the Cobbler with its wan right hand.


s: "Whence, and what art thou, Execrable Shape?"


s: Nick MIGHT have cried, could he have found a tongue,


s: His gooseberry orbs seem'd as they would have sprung


s: Forth from their sockets,--like a frightened Ape


s: And shook, and grinn'd, and chatter'd with affright.


s: And still the shadowy finger, long and lean,


s: Now beckon'd Nick, now pointed to the door;


s: And many an ireful glance, and frown, between,


s: As if quite vexed that Nick would do no more


s: Than stare, without e'en asking, "What d' ye mean?"


s: Because, as we are told,--a sad old joke too,--


s: Ghosts, like the ladies, "never speak till spoke to."


s: Cowards, 'tis said, in certain situations,


s: And then perform, from downright desperation,


s: Much more than many a bolder man would dare.


s: Nick saw the Ghost was getting in a passion,


s: And therefore, groping till he found the chair,


s: Seized on his awl, crept softly out of bed,


s: And follow'd quaking where the Specter led.


s: And down the winding stair, with noiseless tread,


s: The tenant of the tomb pass'd slowly on,


s: Seem'd to his step at once familiar grown,


s: So safe and sure the labyrinth did he tread


s: As though the domicile had been his own,


s: Though Nick himself, in passing through the shop,


s: Had almost broke his nose against the mop.


s: Despite its wooden bolt, with jarring sound,


s: And forth the Spirit issued,--yet around


s: It turn'd as if its follower's fears it knew,


s: And once more beckoning, pointed to the mound,


s: The antique Keep, on which the bright moon threw


s: With such effulgence her mild silvery gleam,


s: The visionary form seem'd melting in her beam.


s: Beneath a pond'rous archway's somber shade,


s: Where once the huge portcullis swung sublime,


s: The Phantom held its way,--and though afraid


s: Even of the owls that sung their vesper chime,


s: Pale Nicholas pursued, its steps attending,


s: And wondering what on earth it all would end in.


s: Within the moldering fabric's deep recess


s: At length they reach a court obscure and lone;


s: It seemed a drear and desolate wilderness,


s: The blackened walls with ivy all o'ergrown;


s: The night-bird shrieked her note of wild distress,


s: As though indignant mortal step should dare,


s: So led, at such an hour, should venture there!


s: --The Apparition paused, and would have spoke


s: Pointing to what Nick thought an iron ring,


s: But then a neighboring chanticleer awoke,


s: And then "it started like a guilty thing,"


s: As that shrill clarion the silence broke.


s: --We know how much dead gentlefolks eschew


s: The appalling sound of "Cock-a-doodle-do!"


s: The vision was no more--and Nick alone--


s: "His streamer's waving" in the midnight wind,


s: Which through the ruins ceased not to groan;


s: --His garment, too, was somewhat short behind,--


s: And, worst of all, he knew not where to find


s: The ring,--which made him most his fate bemoan--


s: The iron ring,--no doubt of some trap door,


s: 'Neath which the old dead Miser kept his store.


s: "What's to be done?" he cried, "'t were vain to stay


s: Here in the dark without a single clew--


s: 'Fore George, I'm sadly puzzled what to do."


s: (Then clapped his hand behind)--"'Tis chilly too--


s: I'll mark the spot, and come again by day.


s: What can I mark it by?--Oh, here's the wall--


s: The mortar's yielding--here I'll stick my awl!"


s: Then rose from earth to sky a withering shriek,


s: Such as when tempests roar, and timbers creak,


s: And o'er the side the masts in thunder go;


s: While on the deck resistless billows break,


s: And drag their victims to the gulfs below;--


s: Such was the scream when, for the want of candle,


s: Nick Mason drove his awl in up to the handle.


s: Scared by his Lady's heart-appalling cry,


s: Vanished at once poor Mason's golden dream--


s: For dream it was;--and all his visions high,


s: Of wealth and grandeur, fled before that scream--


s: When gibing neighbors make "the Ghost" their theme


s: While ever from that hour they all declare


s: That Mrs. Mason used a cushion in her chair!


s: With his scrip, and his bottle, and sandal shoon;


s: Yet his lady deems him return'd full soon.


s: Yet scarce had he crossed ayont the sea,


s: Ere a spruce young spark of a Learned Clerk


s: Had called on his Lady, and stopp'd to tea.


s: This spruce young guest, so trimly drest,


s: Stay'd with that Lady, her revels to crown;


s: They laugh'd, and they ate, and they drank of the best


s: And they turn'd the old castle quite upside down.


s: They would walk in the park, that spruce young Clerk,


s: With that frolicsome Lady so frank and free,


s: Trying balls and plays, and all manner of ways,


s: To get rid of what French people call Ennui.


s: Now the festive board with viands is stored,


s: Rich puddings and big, and a barbacued pig,


s: There's a flagon of ale as large as a pail--


s: While on naught they are thinking save eating and drinking,


s: "You must be pretty deep to catch weasels asleep,"


s: Says the proverb: that is "take the Fair unawares."


s: A maid o'er the banisters chancing to peep,


s: Whispers, "Ma'am, here's Gengulphus a-coming up-stairs."


s: Pig, pudding, and soup, the electrified group,


s: With the flagon pop under the sofa in haste,


s: And contrive to deposit the Clerk in the closet,


s: As the dish least of all to Gengulphus's taste.


s: Then oh! what rapture, what joy was exprest,


s: When "poor dear Gengulphus" at last appear'd!


s: She kiss'd and she press'd "the dear man" to her breast,


s: In spite of his "great, long, frizzly beard."


s: Such hugging and squeezing! 'twas almost unpleasing,


s: A smile on her lip, and a tear in her eye;


s: She was so very glad, that she seem'd half mad,


s: And did not know whether to laugh or to cry.


s: Then she calls up the maid and the table-cloth's laid,


s: And she sends for a pint of the best Brown Stout;


s: On the fire, too, she pops some nice mutton-chops,


s: And she mixes a stiff glass of "Cold Without."


s: Then again she began at the "poor dear" man;


s: She press'd him to drink, and she press'd him to eat,


s: And she brought a foot-pan, with hot water and bran,


s: To comfort his "poor dear" travel-worn feet.


s: "Nor night nor day since he'd been away,


s: Had she had any rest," she "vow'd and declared."


s: She "never could eat one morsel of meat,


s: For thinking how 'poor dear' Gengulphus fared."


s: She "really did think she had not slept a wink


s: Since he left her, although he'd been absent so long,"


s: Here he shook his head,--right little he said,


s: But he thought she was "coming it rather too strong."


s: Now his palate she tickles with the chops and the pickles


s: Till, so great the effect of that stiff gin grog,


s: His weaken'd body, subdued by the toddy,


s: Falls out of the chair, and he lies like a log.


s: Then out comes the Clerk from his secret lair;


s: He lifts up the legs, and she lifts up the head,


s: And, between them, this most reprehensible pair


s: Undress poor Gengulphus and put him to bed.


s: Then the bolster they place athwart his face,


s: And his night-cap into his mouth they cram;


s: And she pinches his nose underneath the clothes,


s: Till the "poor dear soul" goes off like a lamb.


s: For a little bird whisper'd "Perchance you may swing;


s: Here's a corpse in the case, with a sad swell'd face,


s: And a Medical Crowner's a queer sort of thing!"


s: So the Clerk and the wife, they each took a knife,


s: And the nippers that nipp'd the loaf-sugar for tea;


s: With the edges and points they sever'd the joints


s: At the clavicle, elbow, hip, ankle, and knee.


s: Thus, limb from limb, they dismember'd him


s: So entirely, that e'en when they came to his wrists,


s: With those great sugar-nippers they nipped off his "flippers,"


s: As the Clerk, very flippantly, termed his fists.


s: When they cut off his head, entertaining a dread


s: Lest the folks should remember Gengulphus's face,


s: They determined to throw it where no one could know it,


s: Down the well,--and the limbs in some different place.


s: But first the long beard from the chin they shear'd,


s: And managed to stuff that sanctified hair,


s: With a good deal of pushing, all into the cushion


s: That filled up the seat of a large arm-chair.


s: They contriv'd to pack up the trunk in a sack,


s: Which they hid in an osier-bed outside the town,


s: The Clerk bearing arms, legs, and all on his back,


s: As that vile Mr. Greenacre served Mrs. Brown.


s: But to see now how strangely things sometimes turn out,


s: And that in a manner the least expected!


s: Who'd been thus carbonado'd, out up, and dissected?


s: No doubt 't would surprise the pupils at Guy's;


s: I am no unbeliever--no man can say that o' me--


s: But St. Thomas himself would scarce trust his own eyes


s: If he saw such a thing in his School of Anatomy.


s: You may deal as you please with Hindoos and Chinese,


s: Or a Mussulman making his heathen salaam, or


s: When a man has to do with a Pilgrim or Palmer.


s: By chance the Prince Bishop, a Royal Divine,


s: Sends his cards round the neighborhood next day, and urges his


s: Of the resident clergy, the gentry, and burgesses.


s: At a quarter past five they are all alive,


s: At the palace, for coaches are fast rolling in,


s: And to every guest his card had express'd


s: "Half-past" as the hour for "a greasy chin."


s: Some thirty are seated, and handsomely treated


s: With the choicest Rhine wine in his Highness's stock


s: When a Count of the Empire, who felt himself heated,


s: Requested some water to mix with his Hock.


s: The Butler, who saw it, sent a maid out to draw it,


s: But scarce had she given the windlass a twirl,


s: Ere Gengulphus's head, from the well's bottom, said


s: In mild accents, "Do help us out, that's a good girl!"


s: Only fancy her dread when she saw a great head


s: In her bucket;--with fright she was ready to drop:--


s: Conceive, if you can, how she roar'd and she ran,


s: With the head rolling after her, bawling out "Stop!"


s: She ran and she roar'd, till she came to the board


s: Where the Prince Bishop sat with his party around,


s: When Gengulphus's poll, which continued to roll


s: At her heels, on the table bounced up with a bound.


s: Never touching the cates, or the dishes or plates,


s: The decanters or glasses, the sweetmeats or fruits,


s: The head smiles, and begs them to bring his legs,


s: As a well-spoken gentleman asks for his boots.


s: Kicking open the casement, to each one's amazement


s: Straight a right leg steps in, all impediment scorns,


s: And near the head stopping, a left follows hopping


s: Behind,--for the left leg was troubled with corns.


s: Next, before the beholders, two great brawny shoulders,


s: And arms on their bent elbows dance through the throng;


s: While two hands assist, though nipped off at the wrist,


s: The said shoulders in bearing the body along.


s: They march up to the head, not one syllable said,


s: For the thirty guests all stare in wonder and doubt,


s: As the limbs in their sight arrange and unite,


s: Till Gengulphus, though dead, looks as sound as a trout.


s: I will venture to say, from that hour to this day,


s: Ne'er did such an assembly behold such a scene;


s: Or a table divide fifteen guests of a side


s: With a dead body placed in the center between.


s: Yes, they stared--well they might at so novel a sight


s: No one utter'd a whisper, a sneeze, or a hem,


s: But sat all bolt upright, and pale with affright;


s: And they gazed at the dead man, the dead man at them.


s: The Prince Bishop's Jester, on punning intent,


s: As he view'd the whole thirty, in jocular terms


s: Said "They put him in mind of a Council of Trente


s: Engaged in reviewing the Diet of Worms."


s: But what should they do?--Oh! nobody knew


s: What was best to be done, either stranger or resident;


s: The Chancellor's self read his Puffendorf through


s: In vain, for his book could not furnish a precedent.


s: The Prince Bishop mutter'd a curse, and a prayer,


s: Which his double capacity hit to a nicety;


s: His Princely, or Lay, half induced him to swear,


s: And the jury agreed,--not a doubt could they harbor,--


s: "That the chin of the corpse--the sole thing brought to light--


s: Had been recently shav'd by a very bad barber."


s: They sent out Van Taunsend, Von Burnie, Von Roe,


s: Von Maine, and Von Rowantz--through chalets and chateaux,


s: Towns, villages, hamlets, they told them to go,


s: And they stuck up placards on the walls of the Stadthaus.


s: "WHEREAS, a dead gentleman, surname unknown,


s: Has been recently found at his Highness's banquet,


s: Rather shabbily dressed in an Amice, or gown


s: In appearance resembling a second-hand blanket;


s: "And WHEREAS, there's great reason indeed to suspect


s: That some ill-disposed person, or persons, with malice


s: Aforethought, have kill'd, and begun to dissect


s: The said Gentleman, not far from this palace.


s: "THIS IS TO GIVE NOTICE!--Whoever shall seize;


s: And such person or persons, to justice surrender,


s: Shall receive--such REWARD--as his Highness shall please,


s: On conviction of him, the aforesaid offender.


s: "And, in order the matter more clearly to trace


s: To the bottom, his Highness, the Prince Bishop, further,


s: Of his clemency, offers free PARDON and Grace


s: To all such as have NOT been concern'd in the murther.


s: "Done this day, at onr palace,--July twenty-five--


s: Deceased rather in years--had a squint when alive;


s: And smells slightly of gin--linen marked with a G."


s: The Newspapers, too, made no little ado,


s: Though a different version each managed to dish up;


s: Some said "The Prince Bishop had run a man through,"


s: Others said "an assassin had kill'd the Prince Bishop."


s: The "Ghent Herald" fell foul of the "Bruxelles Gazette,"


s: The "Bruxelles Gazette," with much sneering ironical,


s: Scorn'd to remain in the "Ghent Herald's" debt,


s: And the "Amsterdam Times" quizz'd the "Nuremberg Chronicle."


s: In one thing, indeed, all the journals agreed,


s: Spite of "politics," "bias," or "party collision;"


s: Viz.: to "give," when they'd "further accounts" of the deed,


s: "Full particulars" soon, in "a later Edition."


s: But now, while on all sides they rode and they ran,


s: Trying all sorts of means to discover the caitiffs,


s: Losing patience, the holy Gengulphus began


s: To think it high time to "astonish the natives."


s: First, a Rittmeister's Frau, who was weak in both eyes,


s: And supposed the most short-sighted woman in Holland,


s: Found greater relief, to her joy and surprise,


s: From one glimpse of his "squint" than from glasses by Dollond.


s: By the slightest approach to the tip of his Nose,


s: Meagrims, headache, and vapors were put to the rout;


s: And one single touch of his precious Great Toes


s: Was a certain specific for chillblains and gout.


s: Apply to his shin-bones--not one of them lingers--


s: All bilious complaints in an instant withdrew,


s: If the patient was tickled with one of his fingers.


s: Much virtue was found to reside in his thumbs:


s: When applied to the chest, they cured scantness of breathing.


s: Sea-sickness, and colic; or, rubb'd on the gums,


s: Were "A blessing to Mothers," for infants in teething.


s: Where the mark remain'd visible still of the knife,


s: Notwithstanding east winds perspiration might check,


s: Was safe from sore-throat for the rest of his life.


s: Thus, while each acute and each chronic complaint


s: Giving way, proved an influence clearly Divine,


s: They perceived the dead Gentleman must be a Saint,


s: So they lock'd him up, body and bones, in a shrine.


s: Through country and town his new Saintship's renown


s: As a first-rate physician kept daily increasing,


s: Till, as Alderman Curtis told Alderman Brown,


s: It seem'd as if "Wonders had never DONE CEASING,"


s: The Three Kings of Cologne began, it was known,


s: A sad falling off in their offerings to find,


s: His feats were so many--still the greatest of any,--


s: For the German Police were beginning to cease


s: From exertions which each day more fruitless appear'd,


s: When Gengulphus himself, his fame still to increase,


s: Unravell'd the whole by the help of--his beard!


s: If you look back you'll see the aforesaid barbe gris,


s: When divorced from the chin of its murder'd proprietor,


s: Had been stuffed in the seat of a kind of settee,


s: Or double-arm'd chair, to keep the thing quieter.


s: It may seem rather strange, that it did not arrange


s: Itself in its place when the limbs join'd together;


s: Perhaps it could not get out, for the cushion was stout,


s: And constructed of good, strong, maroon-color'd leather


s: Or what is more likely, Gengulphus might choose,


s: For saints, e'en when dead, still retain their volition,


s: It should rest there, to aid some particular views,


s: Be that as it may, on the very first day


s: That the widow Gengulphus sat down on that settee,


s: What occur'd almost frightened her senses away,


s: Beside scaring her hand-maidens, Gertrude and Betty,


s: They were telling their mistress the wonderful deeds


s: Of the new Saint, to whom all the Town said their orisons;


s: And especially how, as regards invalids,


s: His miraculous cures far outrival'd Von Morison's.


s: "The cripples," said they, "fling their crutches away,


s: And people born blind now can easily see us!"


s: But she (we presume, a disciple of Hume)


s: Shook her head, and said angrily, "'Credat Judaeus!'


s: "Those rascally liars, the Monks and the Friars,


s: To bring grist to their mill, these devices have hit on.


s: He works miracles!--pooh!--I'd believe it of you


s: Just as soon, you great Geese,--or the Chair that I sit on!"


s: The Chair--at that word--it seems really absurd,


s: But the truth must be told,--what contortions and grins


s: Distorted her face!--She sprang up from her place


s: Just as though she'd been sitting on needles and pins!


s: For, as if the Saint's beard the rash challenge had heard


s: Which she utter'd, of what was beneath her forgetful


s: Each particular hair stood on end in the chair,


s: Like a porcupine's quills when the animal's fretful,


s: That stout maroon leather, they pierced altogether,


s: Like tenter-hooks holding when clench'd from within,


s: And the maids cried--"Good gracious! how very tenacious!"


s: --They as well might endeavor to pull off her skin!--


s: She shriek'd with the pain, but all efforts were vain;


s: In vain did they strain every sinew and muscle,--


s: The cushion stuck fast!--From that hour to her last


s: She could never get rid of that comfortless "Bustle"!


s: And e'en as Macbeth, when devising the death


s: Of his King, heard "the very stones prate of his whereabouts;"


s: So this shocking bad wife heard a voice all her life


s: Crying "Murder!" resound from the cushion,--or thereabouts.


s: With regard to the Clerk, we are left in the dark


s: As to what his fate was; but I can not imagine he


s: Got off scot-free, though unnoticed it be


s: For cut-throats, we're sure, can be never secure,


s: And "History's Muse" still to prove it her pen holds,


s: As you'll see, if you'll look in a rather scarce book,


s: "God's Revenge against Murder," by one Mr. Reynolds.


s: Now, you grave married Pilgrims, who wander away,


s: Like Ulysses of old (vide Homer and Naso),


s: Don't lengthen your stay to three years and a day,


s: And when you are coming home, just write and say so!


s: And you, learned Clerks, who're not given to roam,


s: Stick close to your books, nor lose sight of decorum,


s: Don't visit a house when the master's from home!


s: Shun drinking,--and study the "Vilce Sanctorum!"


s: Above all, you gay ladies, who fancy neglect


s: In your spouses, allow not your patience to fail;


s: But remember Gengulphus's wife!--and reflect


s: On the moral enforced by her terrible tale!


s: Sir Rupert the Fearless, a gallant young knight,


s: In brief, or as Hume says, "to sum up the tottle,"


s: Unstain'd by dishonor, unsullied by fear,


s: All his neighbors pronounced him a preux chevalier.


s: Despite these perfections, corporeal and mental,


s: He had one slight defect, viz., a rather lean rental;


s: Besides, 'tis own'd there are spots in the sun,


s: So it must be confess'd that Sir Rupert had one;


s: A night, but addict himself sadly to drinking;


s: Till these, and a few less defensible fancies


s: Brought the Knight to the end of his slender finances.


s: Their rents, swearing "tunes were so bad they were losing,"


s: Since aught through my hands reach'd the baker or grocer,


s: And the tradesmen in general are grown great complainers."


s: Sir Rupert the brave thus address'd his retainers:


s: Is out, with the Kurchwasser, Barsae, Moselle,


s: And we're fairly reduced to the pump and the well,


s: For each to shake hands with his friends ere he goes,


s: Mount his horse, if he has one, and--follow his nose;


s: My best way is to throw myself into the Rhine,


s: Where pitying trav'lers may sigh, as they cross over,


s: Though he lived a roue, yet he died a philosopher."


s: The Knight, having bow'd out his friends thus politely.


s: Got into his skiff, the full moon shining brightly,


s: A dame, whose complexion was fair as new cream,


s: In other respects she was scanty of clothes;


s: For, so says tradition, both written and oral,


s: Her ONE garment was loop'd up with bunches of coral.


s: Full sweetly she sang to a sparkling guitar,


s: With silver chords stretch'd over Derbyshire spar,


s: Soon found his astonishment merged in delight;


s: Till at length it invaded her very chemise,


s: While the heavenly strain, as the wave seem'd to swallow her


s: And slowly she sank, sounded fainter and hollower;


s: "Here goes," cried Sir Rupert, "by jingo I'll follow her!"


s: Then into the water he plunged with a souse


s: That was heard quite distinctly by those in the house.


s: Down, down, forty fathom and more from the brink,


s: Sir Rupert the Fearless continues to sink,


s: Through his ears, and his eyes, and his mouth, and his nose


s: Till the rum and the brandy he'd swallow'd since lunch


s: Wanted nothing but lemon to fill him with punch;


s: Some minutes elapsed since he enter'd the flood,


s: Ere his heels touch'd the bottom, and stuck in the mud.


s: When he stood in the depth of the stream bolt upright!--


s: Rose above and about him;--great fishes and small


s: Came thronging around him, regardless of danger,


s: And seem'd all agog for a peep at the stranger,


s: Their figures and forms to describe, language fails--


s: They'd such very odd heads, and such very odd tails;


s: Of their genus or species a sample to gain,


s: You would ransack all Hungerford market in vain;


s: Though hundreds of passengers doubtless would stop


s: To stare, were such monsters exposed in his shop.


s: But little reck'd Rupert these queer-looking brutes,


s: For a sight, beyond any of which I've made mention,


s: In a moment completely absorb'd his attention.


s: A huge crystal bath, which, with water far clearer


s: Than George Robins' filters, or Thorpe's (which are dearer),


s: Lay stretch'd out before him--and every nerve thrill'd


s: Till the vision a perfect quandary put him in;--


s: All slightly accoutred in gauzes and lawns,


s: They came floating about him like so many prawns.


s: Sir Rupert, who (barring the few peccadilloes


s: Alluded to), ere he lept into the billows


s: To feel rather queer, as a modest young man;


s: When forth stepp'd a dame, whom he recognized soon


s: As the one he had seen by the light of the moon,


s: And lisp'd, while a soft smile attended each sentence,


s: "Sir Rupert, I'm happy to make your acquaintance;


s: All do me the honor to call me their Queen;


s: I'm delighted to see you, sir, down in the Rhine here


s: And hope you can make it convenient to dine here."


s: Of subaqueous beauties, then answer'd aloud;


s: "Ma'am, you do me much honor--I can not express


s: The delight I shall feel--if you'll pardon my dress--


s: May I venture to say, when a gentleman jumps


s: In the river at midnight for want of the 'dumps,'


s: He rarely puts on his knee-breeches and pumps;


s: If I could but have guess'd--what I sensibly feel--


s: Your politeness--I'd not have come en dishabille,


s: But have put on my SILK tights in lieu of my STEEL."


s: Quoth the lady, "Dear sir, no apologies, pray,


s: You will take our 'pot-luck' in the family way;


s: And our water's thought fairish; but here in the Rhine,


s: I can't say we pique ourselves much on our wine."


s: The Knight made a bow more profound than before,


s: When a Dory-faced page oped the dining-room door,


s: Rupert tender'd his arm, led Lurline to her place,


s: And a fat little Mer-man stood up and said grace,


s: What boots it to tell of the viands, or how she


s: Apologized much for their plain water-souchy,


s: Or how Rupert, on his side, protested, by Jove, he


s: Preferr'd his fish plain, without soy or anchovy.


s: Besides some remarkably fine salmon peel,


s: The Knight, sooth to say, thought much less of the fishes


s: Than what they were served on, the massive gold dishes;


s: While his eye, as it glanced now and then on the girls,


s: Was caught by their persons much less than their pearls,


s: And a thought came across him and caused him to muse,


s: When dinner was done, at a sign to the lasses,


s: The table was clear'd, and they put on fresh glasses;


s: Much as Dido, of old, did the pious Eneas,


s: "Dear sir, what induced you to come down and see us?"--


s: Rupert gave her a glance most bewitchingly tender,


s: Loll'd back in his chair, put his toes on the fender,


s: Had never been last at a feast or a fight;


s: And drinking neat wines all the same as small-beer,


s: How he borrow'd large sums at two hundred per cent.;


s: Messrs. Howard and Gibbs, made him bitterly rue it he'd


s: And, his mortgages being about to foreclose,


s: How he jumped into the river to finish his woes!


s: Lurline was affected, and own'd, with a tear,


s: That a story so mournful had ne'er met her ear:


s: And said, with some emphasis, "Ah! miss, had I


s: A free Count of the Empire once more I might reign,


s: (For the parson should come, and the knot should be tied);


s: No couple so happy on earth should be seen


s: As Sir Rupert the brave and his charming Lurline;


s: Not that money's my object--No, hang it! I scorn it--


s: And as for my rank--but that YOU'D so adorn it--


s: And, instead of 'the GREAT,' be call'd 'Rupert the SMALL,'


s: --To gain but your smiles, were I Sardanapalus,


s: I'd descend from my throne, and be boots at an alehouse."


s: Growing faint at this sudden proposal to wed,


s: As though his abruptness, in "popping the question"


s: So soon after dinner, disturb'd her digestion.


s: "You are welcome," she murmur'd in tones most bewitching,


s: "To every utensil I have in my kitchen!"


s: One arm, which the lady most closely embraced,


s: Of her lily-white fingers the other made capture,


s: And he press'd his adored to his bosom with rapture,


s: "And, oh!" he exclaim'd, "let them go catch my skiff,


s: I'll be home in a twinkling and back in a jiffy,


s: Nor one moment procrastinate longer my journey


s: Than to put up the bans and kick out the attorney."


s: One kiss to her lip, and one squeeze to her hand


s: And Sir Rupert already was half-way to land,


s: Old Nick, caught him up in one hand, though no light one,


s: Sprang up through the waves, popp'd him into his funny,


s: Which some others already had half-fill'd with money;


s: In fact, 'twas so heavily laden with ore


s: And pearls, 'twas a mercy he got it to shore;


s: Still he heard, faintly sounding, the water-nymphs' song.


s: The unearthly voices scarce had ceased their yelling,


s: When Rupert reach'd his old baronial dwelling.


s: The old housekeeper put a clean shirt down to air,


s: And she fear'd he'd catch cold, and lumbago, and cramp;


s: Wet jacket, or trousers, or thought of repining,


s: Since their pockets had got such a delicate lining.


s: When they found he'd the cash, and intended to pay!


s: Away went "cognovits," "bills," "bonds," and "escheats,"


s: Rupert cleared off old scores, and took proper receipts.


s: Or schnapps, but resolves to do henceforth without,


s: Abjure from this hour all excess and ebriety,


s: Enroll himself one of a Temp'rance Society,


s: And new-cushion and hassock the family pew!


s: Nay, to strengthen him more in this new mode of life


s: He boldly determined to take him a wife.


s: Now, many would think that the Knight, from a nice sense


s: Of honor, should put Lurline's name in the license,


s: And that, for a man of his breeding and quality,


s: Is not quite consistent with rigid morality;


s: But whether the nymph was forgot, or he thought her


s: From her essence scarce wife, but at best wife-and-water


s: For, all things consider'd, I own 'twas a rum thing,


s: Made proposals in form to Miss Una Von--something


s: (Her name has escaped me), sole heiress, and niece


s: To a highly respectable Justice of Peace.


s: So much time is saved in the billing and cooing--


s: The ring is now bought, the white favors, and gloves,


s: And all the et cetera which crown people's loves;


s: A magnificent bride-cake comes home from the baker.


s: And lastly appears, from the German Long Acre,


s: That shaft which, the sharpest in all Cupid's quiver is,


s: A plumb-color'd coach, and rich Pompadour liveries,


s: With his beautiful bride, dress'd all in white,


s: And the bridemaids fair with their long lace vails,


s: As they all walk'd up to the altar rails,


s: While nice little boys, the incense dispensers,


s: March'd in front with white surplices, bands, and gilt censers.


s: With a gracious air, and a smiling look,


s: And had read so far as to ask if to wed he meant?


s: And if "he knew any just cause or impediment?"


s: When from base to turret the castle shook!!!


s: O'ershadow'd the church, and the party, and crowd;


s: How it could happen they could not divine,


s: The morning had been so remarkably fine!


s: Still the darkness increased, till it reach'd such a pass


s: That the sextoness hasten'd to turn on the gas;


s: As if heaven and earth were coming together;


s: None ever had witness'd such terrible weather.


s: In the vails, as it danced on the brass chandeliers;


s: The parson ran off, though a stout-hearted Saxon,


s: When he found that a flash had set fire to his caxon.


s: Though all the rest trembled, as might be expected,


s: Sir Rupert was perfectly cool and collected,


s: Whisp'ring tenderly, "Pray don't be frighten'd, my dear


s: Should it even set fire to the castle, and burn it, you're


s: Amply insured, both for buildings and furniture."


s: Informing his master 'the river was rising,


s: And flooding the grounds in a way quite surprising.'


s: Of the waters was heard as they reach'd the church-door,


s: While, high on the first wave that roll'd in, was seen,


s: Riding proudly, the form of the angry Lurline;


s: And all might observe, by her glance fierce and stormy,


s: She was stung by the spretoe injuria formoe.


s: What she said to the Knight, what she said to the bride,


s: What she said to the ladies who stood by her side,


s: What she said to the nice little boys in white clothes,


s: For the roof tumbled in, and the walls tumbled out,


s: And the folks tumbled down, all confusion and rout,


s: The billows and water-nymphs roll'd more and more in


s: One only survived who could hand down the news,


s: A little old woman that open'd the pews;


s: In an oak-tree, and there she hung, crying and screaming,